By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA REPORT
MARCH 26, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-The show opened with the narrator describing a 20 man Lethal Lockdown qualifier match. The title of the show is "Captain - Cage - Chaos!!" Then the TNA Impact opening aired. Mike Tenay introduced the show and hyped the match that will determine the captains of something at the PPV.

-Jim Cornette stood center ring and anounced that Sting will face Mick Foley for the TNA World Hvt. Title. How does Foley under any criteria deserve a title shot? As most of the TNA roster stood on the ramp, Cornette explained the rules of the Lethal Lockdown qualifier match. There were a lot of things to take in regarding the rules, and watching I wasn't sure whether the rules he described were for the qualifying match tonight or the PPV match, and sadly I didn't care because it hurt my head to listen that closely and for that long. I've learned that when you're sick, listening to Cornette explain rules for over 60 seconds for two complex matches is excruciating.

The Main Event Mafia walked out. Tenay said last week's main event match was the most watched in TNA history. Yeah, if you throw a ton of eggs into a cake recipe it's going to rise really high, but it might not be the best use of your month's supply of eggs. Angle complained to Cornette about giving "these jabronis" the same opportunity as the MEM. Cornette said he'd have as much opportunity as them. Angle said he wasn't done talking. He said they wouldn't get any opportunity. Angle said he will captain his team which will consist of Booker T, Kevin Nash, and Scott Steiner. He said they've dominated since October and they'll continue to dominate throughout the rest of 2009 and 2010. What about 2011? Huh, Kurt? What about it?

Jeff Jarrett's music played and he walked out wearing a t-shirt that was tucked into his trunks. He finds new ways to set off bad fashion alarms every week. Jarrett told Angle he's going to be one of the 20 competitors and his sole goal is to be sure he's not a team captain at Lethal Lockdown. "Why don't you choke on that, Slap Nut." He punched Angle. They had a pullapart brawl. Don West spoke his first words of the show, calling it a cheapshot by Jarrett. He's right. They threw to a break.

[Commercial Break]

-They aired highlights of what just happened. Then they went to Tenay and West, who had their backs to the ring and the fans. They hyped the Team Captains main event 20 man gauntlet match.

-Jeremy Borash interviewed the Main Event Mafia. Angle told Nash to take Jenna from Survivor somewhere else. Scott told Kev to save some for him when he's done with her. Borash asked about Jarrett wanting to prevent him from being a team captain. Angle said Jarrett won't make it to the match. He asked for Steiner's lead pipe and then vowed "bash his head with this pipe and then shove it straight up his ass."

[Q2]

1 -- SUICIDE vs. KIYOSHI (w/No Limit) -- X Division Title match

Did Kiyoshi do more to earn a title shot than Foley? No explanation was offered how they come up with him as the no. 1 contender. (I suppose you could say Great Muta was an emerging star 20 years ago, just like Cactus Jack was 18 years ago.) It cheapens all other matches that are to determine who a top contender is if they appear to be arbitrarily given out. Why not make it non-title? Is anyone really going to tune out if Kiyoshi is pushed as needing to win this non-title match to earn a future title match? As soon as the bell rang, Tenay and West instantly began talking about Jarrett and Angle. Tenay asked West about Jenna from Survivor, too, as Kiyoshi and Suicide were doing their thing in the ring as a backdrop. Eventually West talked about No Limit's big win over the Motor City Machine Guns last week. Tenay said as a result of that win, No Limit is in line for another shot at the New Japan Wrestling Junior Tag Team Titles. Suicide won with the Suicide Solution.

WINNER: Suicide in 4:00.

STAR RATING: * -- There were some nice moves, but apparently none mattered as West and Tenay talked about anything but the moves in the ring. This was the definition for Booking 101 class of how to diminish a title into meaning nothing.

-A video package aired on Lethal Lockdown with a bunch of highfalutin phrases that added up to nonsense.

-They went backstage to Angle who bashed a picture of Jarrett with Steiner's pipe.

[Commercial Break]

-Angle was being held back by security and other babyface mid-carders as Jarrett trash talked him. West and Tenay hyped he captain's cage match TV main event.

-Lauren interviewed Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and the Beautiful People pledge, Madison Rayne. Love said she's glad they're facing Amazing Kong & Ryesha Saeed later. She said she's not sweating it because the BPs don't sweat, period. Sky told Madison that tonight the hazing continues. She said tonight she wants her to rip the braids out of "the bison Kong's hair."

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-A Rough Cut segment aired with Brother Ray. He talked about training with a "former enhancement talent with the WWF." He said he resents him to this day for not training himself properly. He said it worked out as he got together with Devon later. He said he and Devon have seen more of each other than their wives, girlfriends, and kids. He said they are successful because they know each other and are able to coexist all these years together. He said fans don't pay to see Brother Ray or Brother Devon wrestle alone. He said they've checked their egos at the door years ago and are happy sharing the spotlight. Ray said Steve Austin used to say if you're not in the business to be World Champion, you shouldn't be in the business. Ray said if you're not in the business to be one-half of the greatest tag team in the business, you shouldn't be in the business.

-A video package aired on the Beer Money Inc. vs. Team 3D feud culminating in a match at Lockdown.

-Tenay had a sitdown interview with both teams at once. They each bragged about their chances at Lockdown as Tenay listened and made faces. James Storm said afer they win, they'll be bigger than the Steiners, The Road Warriors, and Team 3D. He quoted a friend who used to wrestle and say: "Beat me if you can, survive if I let you." (It was Taz, by the way.) Ray varied it by saying, "Best us if you can, survive if the fans in Philadelphia let you." Robert Roode said the match at Lockdown means more to them than anything and he asked if they realize what they've gotten themselves into. Good segment.

-They went to Tenay and West at ringside who hyped the 20 man gauntlet match with a collage of everyone in the match including Jarrett and Angle. Then they commented on a replay of Mick Foley hitting Sting with a chair last week.

-Lauren interviewed Sting, but first recapped pretty much the entire storyline with Foley. Sting said after a week of thinking about it, he's still not sure what he wants to say to Foley. He said there's no logical explanation for it. He said there are no excuses for his actions last week. He said if he decides to come armed again, he'll come armed again himself.

[Commercial Break]

-Lauren interviewed Foley. She said the world is still shocked about his actions toward Sting last week. He said he ready to talk about the question on everybody's mind - the controversial finish of "The Bachelor." He said he didn't really love her ever. Foley said in all seriousness, he's watched a replay and realized he was wrong. He said he will apologize and shake hands and do what fans love - "watch two men hug, yeah!" What's with that "yeah!" deal he does? Lauren brought up that Sting is bringing is baseball bat. Foley sarcastically said Sting is silly and there's no need for violence. I don't get Foley's character and I don't think he does, either, these days. He's all over the place, but maybe this will make sense once it played out.

[Q4]

2 -- AWESOME KONG & RAISHA SAEED (w/Rhaka Khan) vs. THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (w/Madison Rayne)

West said Sting won't fall for that false Foley apology ploy. Who are we rooting for in this feud? Doesn't matter. What matters is Sting, Foley, Angle, and Jarrett, the focus of the commentary. Tenay said Borash has more late-breaking news of the controversial celebrity involvement in the Lockdown match. Love finished Saeed with the Lights Out finisher.

WINNERS: The Beautiful People in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Afterward, Love, Sky, and Rayne attacked Kong. When they grabbed the scissors, Kong fought back and cleared the ring. West said things are changing in the Knockouts Division.

-They showed Foley acting intentionally ridiculously obnoxious backstage, dancing like a street character in "Starsky & Hutch." A split screen showed Sting heading toward the entrance tunnel with his baseball bat.

[Commercial Break]

(WWE bought an ad for "12 Rounds" on Spike TV which aired during the break.)

-Sting entered the ring with his World Title belt and, more importantly, the baseball bat! He said he's been trying to figure Foley out, but he can't, so he's asking him to come to the ring. Foley walked out to his "Bang Bang" theme song. He acted like Dude Love. Tenay said one thing that's helped Foley stand out from the pack is his unpredictability. Foley said he's going to give him the explanation he wants and when he's done, they'll be laughing about what happened. He said he had Keith Mitchell put a video together. He said he took a hell of a beating at the hands of Angle. He said his head had literally bounced off of the concrete floor, so he may have in a slightly altered state at the time. He narrated a clip of Jarrett bringing a guitar into the ring. He said after Sting grabbed the guitar, he saw Sting with the guitar and it appeared he was threatening the life of "The Founder" Jeff Jarrett (do a shot). He then lashed out with a chair to protect the man "who founded TNA." (Do another shot.) Foley laughed.

Sting said he wasn't laughing then and he's not laughing now. He said he was trying to protect him last week. "Mick, let's face it. I realize the physical pain you're in," Sting said. "Mick, I've seen the pain in your face just trying to get in and out of a chair. Mick, your body is ravaged." He said Mick did it for the wrestling fans and for "all the boys, all the wrestlers in the back; you even did it for me." He said when he tried to protect him last week, he did it because he respected him. "But I'm starting to get a little pissed off now," he said. It took Sting until age 50 to learn to deliver promos with precision and passion like this?

Foley talked about the stock market, job market, and housing market. He said a lot of people could use his help, but he's not one of them. "Who in the hell are you to pity me?" he asked. He said he was happy just reliving his past with Hardcore History memories, but now things have changed. He said since that chair made impact with his skull, the tables of time turned. He said you can feel it in the air. "No one's talking about that other wrestling show in April anymore, Stinger. They're talking about Lockdown. They're talking about you versus me, Icon vs. Legend, which is exactly the way it should be." He said when that cage door slams shut, they're not going to be reliving history, they'll be making history. He said he has a couple big dives left. That would sound better if they didn't spend so much time explaining that Foley has trouble standing up out of his chair. Why not try to convince viewers that Foley has a lot more in him rather than drawing attention to him being a virtual cripple? Good delivery by both Foley and Sting.

[Q5]

-West plugged upcoming dates. He also added that Sting will be at Fan Interaction in Philadelphia before the PPV.

-They showed A.J. Styles and Abyss on a split screen. Tenay said they'll be the first entrants in the main event cage match.

[Commercial Break]

(A commercial aired plugging TNA Impact on iTunes.)

3 -- TEAM CAPTAIN GAUNTLET CAGE MATCH

Abyss entered first, then A.J. Styles. Tenay got sassy with West for the third time in the show. Abyss controlled most of the opening two minutes. Then Alex Shelley joined third. Shelley sprayed water in the eyes of Abyss and then kicked him as he headlocked Styles. He charged with an elbow into the corner on Abyss, then kicked him twice more. Abyss caught a charging Shelley and pressed and dropped him to slow his attack. Styles then dove off the ropes with a forearm at Abyss. Black Machismo came out fourth as Tenay and West argued. They cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Back from the break, Matt Morgan ran to the ring. During the break, Chris Sabin joined the match. Styles staggered Morgan with a Pele Kick. Abyss then gave him a Black Hole Slam for the pin. That was a bit of a surprise. Homicide and Scott Steiner joined the match next. Then they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

They showed that Homicide was eliminated during the break by Chris Sabin. Consequences Creed came out next and worked with Lethal. Lethal flipped onto both Gunns for a near fall at 18:00. Rhino entered next and went after Steiner. West and Tenay questioned that strategy, rather than going after Abyss or Styles who had been worn down longer. Next out was Jeff Jarrett. Angle attacked him from behind. West said Angle is a man of his word. Angle bashed Jarrett over the shoulder with a chair, then walked away with a grin. Tenay said Jarrett had been severely injured. Nice to see one chairshot being sold as a big deal. It looked like a big deal, so it's nice they're selling it as such. As medics tended to Jarrett, Nido from No Limit joined the match. He hit Creed with a top rope dropkick. Lethal pinned Shelley with the Lethal Combination finisher at 26:00.

When Angle's music played, he came out but rather than enter the match, he first took another shot at Jarrett at ringside. Then he entered the ring and immediately made Creed tapout to the anklelock. Tenay said director of security Hack Myers told him they're trying to stabilize Jarrett's shoulder. Angle then eliminated Sabin and then Lethal.

[Commercial Break]

Angle eliminated Shane Sewell. Not sure when he entered. Next out was Sheik Abdul Bashir. Tenay said obviously someone cut Bashir down last week after Samoa Joe hung him upside down. West pushed Lockdown as the best PPV of the year because of the all-cage format and unpredictability of it all. Booker T entered next. He gave Styles a Bookend to get a quick pin on Styles at 34:00. Tenay said he was picking the bones since Styles had been in so long already. Booker trash-talked him afterward. Rhino surprised Booker with a Gore for the pin seconds later.

[Q8]

It was down to Bashir, Angle, Steiner, Rhino, and Abyss at this point. Yujiro entered next. Angle gave an Angle Slam to Bashir for the win after pretending to be his friend first. Next out was Eric Young. Steiner and Angle double slammed and double covered Abyss to eliminate him. Rhino pinned Yujiro after a Gore, but Angle surprised Rhino with an Angle Slam for the pin. That left Angle and Steiner alone. Angle laid down and let Steiner cover him, but at the two count, Angle kicked out. Steiner and Angle laughed. Steiner laid down and let Angle cover him, but Steiner kicked out at two. Hernandez was out next. He managed to hold his own and set up a Border Toss on Steiner. Angle broke it up and then gave him an Angle Slam for the pin at 41:00. Steiner's face was bleeding.

Jarrett walked out to rejoin the match. His shoulder was taped. He went after Steiner and Angle. Soon Angle and Steiner were able to work over Jarrett. Jarrett surprised Angle with a schoolboy for a near fall a minute later. He gave Steiner his Stroke finisher for the pin. Angle then went for an Angle Slam, but Jarrett avoided it and hit two clotheslines and set up a Pedigree. Angle flipped out of that and went into an Anklelock. Jarrett kicked out of it, then hit an enzuigiri. He followed up with the Stroke. Steiner stopped the ref from hitting the mat a third time. West said that was fair because Jarrett shouldn't have been in there anyway. Angle then gave Jarrett the Angle Slam for the pin.

As Angle celebrated, Samoa Joe walked out as the final entrant. West said that was the 21st person. Tenay said Joe's the 20th. Joe put a sleeper on Angle. Angle escaped and went for an Anklelock. Joe escaped, but Angle came back with an Angle slam. Angle celebrated. Joe leaping roundkicked him in the face, then set up a Muscle Buster for the pin.

WINNER: Joe in 45:00.

STAR RATING: ***1/4 -- Lots of good action and intricately booked for a TV match of this type. It sure established who the top guys were and who are there to flip around and bump around until their time comes.

[Commercial Break]

-After West and Tenay commented on the finish of the main event, Jim Cornette joined them. West demanded to know why Jarrett was allowed a second chance. Cornette said Jarrett was unfairly eliminated, so he felt he should get a fair shot. Cornette apologized for not sending him a memo earlier. West said, "I bet those rules apply to everyone who's not the TNA founder."

-Borash held the mic for Angle backstage who at first said he had nothing to say, but then said he does. He said he eliminated three times. He said he's the booker and promoter, but he eliminated him twice, yet he caused him to lose. He told Joe they will end his career next chance they get. He told him he hopes to God he brings the Nation of Violence and Jarrett. "Main Event Mafia will never die!" he exclaimed.

Tenay then asked Cornette if TNA management is prepared for a potential MEM takeover at Lockdown. West said the blood is on his hands for letting Jarrett back in there. Cornette said he has faith in the Frontline and he did what was right.

-Lauren congratulated Joe for his win. Joe sat on the floor stroking his knife. Joe said he's not interested in being a captain at Lockdown. He said he's not interested in fighting the good fight. He said his only interest is in torturing each and every member of the MEM. Lauren asked if not him, who will captain his team. Joe said that's not his concern. He said he'll be at Lockdown, and the knife will be coming with him.

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