By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MARCH 5, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-Clips aired of the Kurt Angle-Sting-Jeff Jarrett-Mick Foley angle that closed out last week's show. Sting came to Foley's defense, breaking further from the MEM. The show is titled "Stiff Penalty for the Godfather."

-The show opened with Jeremy Borash holding a mic for Jeff Jarrett. He said: "Good evening and welcome to Impact. As the founder of TNA Wrestling..." (Everyone take a drink.) He then announced that Kurt Angle was suspended. He said it gave him "great remorse." Wait, why does it give him great remorse after all that Angle has done to him, including threatening his young daughters? If he was being sarcastic, that wasn't clear, but he sure was talking fast. Jarrett said he's no longer an active wrestler, but despite his position, he attacked him and executive shareholder Mick Foley. He then smiled and said they've donated Angle's salary to a worthy cause. "Thanks, and enjoy the show," he concluded. Borash looked curiously at Jarrett.

-The Impact opening aired. Mike Tenay introduced the show. Tenay gave West a cartoonish mean stare. "I understand you are going to explain your comments and you actions last week when you walked off the show," Tenay said. West then sheepishly said what he said last week was out of character for him. He said things he said hurt fans, family, and friends. He said he's done some soul searching and looked into his heart. He said if he could have last week back again, "I wouldn't change any of it. I won't apologize for nothing. I was right. And anybody who's been betrayed by a friend knows exactly what I'm talking about." He said until he hears differently, he's part of the announce team and there's not a damn thing Tenay can do about it. He told viewers to grab a beer, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Tenay shot him an icy stare.

-Mick Foley's ring intro began. Tenay said the next two hours with him will be as exciting as an emergency landing in the Hudson River. That's an odd reference, being that it's several weeks ago and really has no link to anything they're talking about. Tenay said West was unprofessional last week walking off the show, so he'd expect nothing more from him than this. What I want to know is whether what West said Tenay did is true. Tenay hasn't denied it. When Tenay accused West of being unprofessional last week, West didn't say anything.

Foley called Sting to the ring. Sting walked out to his full ring intro. Foley thanked Sting for his help last week. Foley, believe it or not, then began talking about himself and a moment of his career he's proud of. It's like if that Chris Farley SNL character was famous and interviewed himself all the time. Actually, one nice thing about TNA is that it does at times feel like the continuation of WCW history, sans any ownership of the footage. Foley talked about dropping an elbow on Sting after coming out of a refrigerator box. He said it was a thing of beauty to see someone with his body taking a leap like that. He said that move wouldn't have meant a damn thing against anyone else. He said it was the right move, but it was also on the right guy at the right time. He said that move changed his life.

"Everything I have - the books, the fans - every bit of success I've had goes back to that day 18 years ago." He said on that day Sting saved him, so now he'd like to save him. Wait, how Sting being elbowdropped translate to Sting saving him? I mean, on an insider level, which has no place on TV in the context of a wrestling show's storyline, Sting agreeing to work with Foley (not that he had pull at that time to veto it) was sorta of a "kind gesture" that helped elevate Foley, but really, in the context of a wrestling storyline, it makes so little sense my head hurts thinking about. Foley is saying to Sting that because he once dropped an elbow on him 18 years ago and that launched a feud that led to his stardom, now he owes Sting a save? Had Foley said he owed Sting because he attacked him 18 year ago and has never felt good about it, that'd make more sense than this twisted logic based on a half-insider perspective. Also, just imagine, in 18 years in 2027 (at least two U.S. presidents from now and perhaps more than four), Edge and John Cena might be having a similar discussion on some wrestling TV show. Think of how old you'll be then. That's how far back the Sting-Foley feud goes. That's not criticism or praise, but more just to put in perspective the relative ages and timeline of this interview compared to the angle it's referencing.

Foley said no matter what happens at Destination X between he and Angle, he hopes he's seen the last of Sting at part of the MEM. He said TNA needs Sting back. He said as an executive shareholder, he needs Sting back. He said most importantly, the fans need Sting back.

Sting said he appreciates all of those kind words. He said he's not going to let a maniac like Kurt Angle decide whether he's in the MEM. He said he has a past with Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Booker T, and he doesn't have a problem with them. Foley said he's never used the MEM like those guys have. The MEM music played and out walked Nash, Booker, Sharmell, and Steiner. West said despite efforts by Foley and Jarrett, Sting doesn't seem to want to leave the Mafia. He said it might be better if they tried to get Angle out of there.

Nash pulled rank and said he's been around TNA longer than he has. He said he knows the lay of the land better than Foley. Nash looked at Sting and said: "He's office. He ain't one of the boys, he's a stooge, man." Nash pitched to Sting that they're close to getting the respect they all agreed they were going to fight for. Sting said Angle didn't respect him when he spit in his face, and Nash should know that. Nash said, "We all knew when we got in this, Kurt was a hothead. But, dammit, he's our hothead. And I'll tell you right now, if we go to war, I want Kurt Angle with me. And I sure as hell want you, too." Nash said Jarrett and Foley painted then into a corner, so now he and Angle have to fight, but they can fight with honor, dignity, and respect, but when it's over, they can shake hands because at the end of the night, no matter who wins, the belt stays in the family. He said then they're stronger than ever. "Or you turn your back and you walk away," Nash said. "You don't finish what we set out to do." He said Sting may able to live with that, but the rest of the guys can't.

Good delivery and a healthy dose of bad-angle-saving-logic from Nash, who's become the new Jim Cornette at trying creatively to fill in creative gaps in booking, but one problem stands out. There's almost nothing left to the original MEM inspiration, which was the whole "respect" argument. It's so abstract now because there's not really any sense of who disrespects them. I mean, there's hardly any active wrestler not in MEM who is treated as if they matter other than perhaps the knife-wielding Samoa Joe and A.J. Styles.

[Q2]

[Commercial Break]

-A video package aired of Styles, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Devon, and Consequences Creed revealing their picks as the most memorable moments in Ultimate X Matches. Lots of crazy moves were highlighted.

-Lauren interviewed a very dapper Creed and Jay Lethal. She asked them what the occasion was. Creed said Jarrett gave them a bonus and they spent it on new threads. Lethal went into a Ric Flair impersonation. He ripped off his suit and began running around like Flair when he went berserk on promos. Creed asked what he was doing and shook some sense into him. Lethal then busted back into his Black Machismo persona. Lethal talked about having new heights to climb.

1 -- ALEX SHELLEY (w/Chris Sabin) vs. KIYOSHI -- X Division Title match

With all of these tournaments and special matches TNA holds where wrestlers earn X Division Title matches, what exactly did Kiyoshi do to deserve this "out of the blue" title match? As Tenay talked about the Sting-Angle situation, West said he wishes Tenay could look at it objectively. It was the first sign of tension between them since their first exchange earlier. Rapid fire back and forth action early. Shelley won clean with a frog splash.

WINNER: Shelley in 4:00 to retain the X Title.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- What was the point of that being an X Title match? Why not do something to build it up ahead of time so it seemed to mean something? And to have the announcers spend most of the match talking about the MEM, it really diminished any chance the X Title had of feeling even the slightest bit important. I mean, when you're trying to sell the Ultimate X match so hard, why not treat an X Title match as something of value and worth focusing on instead of throwing it out there as a backdrop to discussing something else?

-After the match, Suicide slide to the ring on a rope and attacked Shelley and Sabin. West said he wants to see him in an actual match since it's easy to attack someone when they're tired. West said Suicide should try to get into Ultimate X and show what he can do in a match like that. The lights went dark, then came back on and Suicide was missing.

-Another brief vignette aired on the Ultimate X match.

[Q3]

-Backstage, Steiner asked Angle if he's nuts. He said Jarrett banned him from the building, so he might suspend him for a month. He told him to leave. Angle said, "I'm Kurt Angle, Olympic Gold Medalist. He's Jeff Jarrett, a washed-up has-been wannabe. (Jarrett wants to be a washed-up has-been?) Nash told Angle he didn't listen to him las week. He told him to do himself a favor and go home because the last thing they need are more headaches between him and Sting. Angle said he's there to have fun. Booker said he heard Jarrett gave his weekly paycheck to the Front Line. (The what? I have a faint recollection of those words being spoken on TNA Impact.) Angle said if the Front Line spent his money, he should go get what they bought with it.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay threw to clips of the "Off the Wagon" challenges the last two weeks that sent Petey Williams and Lance Rock packing from TNA.

-Lauren interviewed Beer Money Inc. backstage. She asked if they have any compassion because there's a recession going on. Robert Roode said the truth is in this recession he's lost a truckload of money, but he's got truckloads more. "Boo freakin' hoo, go get another job," he said. He told them to go work in a soup kitchen for all he cares. James Storm said one half of LAX is being sent home tonight, too.

-Tenay and West hyped the rest of the show. Tenay was making frowning boo-boo faces like a toddler who's told his favorite toy was being taken away due to a temper tantrum.

-LAX walked out to the ring for what appeared to be a ring entrance. Hernandez cut a very brief promo. But it apparently wasn't their ring intro. Strange.

-They went backstage to Booker T on his cell phone. He talked about someone needing to learn from tough love. "I'm going to set him up and you're going to take him down," he said. West said, "Main Event Mafia are keeping it interesting." Booker yelled it was going down tonight and something about black snow.

[Commercial Break]

-An update aired on ODB's contest to go on a date with a fan. March 15 the date takes place. More clips aired of fans making their pitches. Shark Boy, doing his Stone Cold impersonation, made a pitch, too. They should do a mock Hall of Fame skit with Shark Boy at a Zoo or something with a crazy "head zoo keeper" in a suit inducting him.

-They cut to Angle attacking Creed backstage. He wrapped a cable around his neck and then bashed him across his back with a chair. Angle said he wants his suit and his money back. Security walked up to him, but then backed of.

[Q4]

2 -- THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/Kip James) vs. RYESHA SAEED & AWESOME KONG vs. ROXXI & TAYLOR WILDE (w/The Gov)

Tenay took another dig at West, tying in what Madison Rain did to Taylor Wilde, saying he wouldn't expect him to understand someone with experience take someone green under their wing only to get stabbed in the back. West said opinions are like You Know What, but he suggested they rise about it all and call the match. Madison walked toward ringside and they cut to a break at 1:00.

[Commercial Break]

Chaos broke out shortly after the break. Tenay took another dig at West, saying "Nobody likes being humiliated in national television," a reference to the BPs being caught buying into The Gov's Sarah Palin impersonation. The Gov got involved in the ring, after which so did Madison, followed by Love pinning Roxxi.

WINNERS: The BPs in 6:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Just nondescript chaos throughout. Too much at once and everything felt rushed and frenetic.

-Borash asked Jarrett for a comment on Angle defying his suspension. Jarrett said there will be repercussions.

[Commercial Break]

[Q5]

-A video packaged aired on the Booker T-Styles feud. Booker T, Sharmell, and Steiner walked to the ring. West said he can't believe Styles could resort to attacking someone from behind. Tenay made that about himself somehow and said West should be serious and put last week behind them. Booker stood mid-ring and addressed Styles as the fans chanted "A.J. Styles, A.J. Styles." Booker said he was wrong for all the things he said about him being a hick. He said he was trying to show him some tough love, but Styles showed him something - how to be humble. He said he wants to bring Styles out there right now so they can squash the whole thing. He said if Styles will bring him his belt back, he won't press charges. He said he's made Styles a better man, so they're brothers now. The crowd chanted "Liar! Liar!" at him. When Styles didn't come out right away, Booker lost his cool and told him to bring his punk ass out there and bring him his damn property. Styles's music then played. Tenay said the longer Booker talked, the more clear it became that Booker's apology wasn't sincere.

Styles attacked Steiner and Booker from behind with the Legends Championship title belt. A few seconds later Steiner and Booker overwhelmed Styles. Steiner held Styles as Booker slapped him. Styles ducked a Booker clothesline and slid out of the ring. He took the belt with him, but then security in Darth Vader masks came out and handcuffed Styles and dragged him to the back. One of the security guards entered the ring, took off his mask, and revealed himself as Samoa Joe. Joe put his Samoan tribal knife up to Steiner's throat. Unmasked security walked out and tried to talk some sense into Joe. West called out Tenay for treating the Mafia like the anti-Christ while condoning Joe's actions. He said the Mafia "is the best thing going today."

[Commercial Break]

-As Tenay and West commented on a replay of the Joe-Steiner angle, Tenay apologized for West. West told Tenay not to dare apologize to him.

-Backstage in the garage Booker taunted Styles as security shoved him into the backseat of a limo and took him away. Booker laughed and said he's on his way to being locked up in jail.

-They showed Tenay and West on camera. West couldn't believe Tenay's take on it, saying Booker is justified because Styles stole his belt and attacked him from behind. When Tenay shot back at him, West said, "I can't do this anymore right now, not tonight. I just can't look at your face." West stormed away. In the background, Angle dragged Lethal onto the stage and dragged him ton the ringside area. In the ring he gave Lethal an Angle Slam. Tenay said Angle is disgusting just like his broadcast partner

-Backstage Jarrett said he has seen enough and he hoped it wouldn't come to this, but Angle has given his no choice. Borash asked if he was going to go out there and fight him. Jarrett said, "No, I'm going to go kick his ass."

[Q6]

[Commercial Break]

-In another Dr. Stevie segment with Abyss, Abyss said his neighbor Huey enlightened him that at the end of every "Tom & Jerry" show the cat and the house seem to end up friends again. He said Huey told him they're not fighting, they're playing. "That's really deep! Who would have thought." Dr. Stevie asked about the weapons and the brutality he used to use all the time. "My question is have you become less dependent on both?" he asked. Abyss said he's totally cured. "No worried."

3 -- MATT MORGAN vs. SHANE SEWELL

Tenay said we're about to find out if Sewell has the physical ability to compete with Morgan. Tenay then shifted to criticizing West for walking off the show again because he can't take criticism. Tenay said West has disrespected the fans by walking out on the show. Morgan toyed with Sewell early until Sewell surprised hom with a dropkick off the second rope after Sewell argued with a referee. Sewell went for a monkey flip, but Morgan countered with a powerbomb. Tenay said Cornette has "taken back" the Legends Championship belt, which has Booker PO'd. Tenay said Cornette wants to get control of the situation. Wait, Booker just made up that belt himself, so how is it something Cornette could "take back" control of. It was never legit or sanctioned to begin with. Morgan gave Sewell a fallaway slam, posturing and waving to the camera first. When he went for the pin, Morgan lifted Sewell's shoulder before the three count. Sewell made a ridiculous Tommy Dreamer comeback with his corny facial expressions. Morgan brushed him off, though, and set up a chokeslam. Sewell gave Morgan a low blow, then climbed to the top rope. Morgan side-stepped him and shoved him face-first to the mat. He followed with his Hellivator finisher. It looked more like Sewell DDT'd him; it's one of those moves where you can't really tell who's supposed to be hurt on the move.

WINNER: Morgan in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

-Afterward, Morgan brought a black bag into the ring. He held the bag in the air and said that's the most important thing in the world to that "sideshow retard Abyss." They bleeped "retard." He poured out hundreds of tacks on the mat. He said everyone knows Abyss can't compete with him. He said he finished no. 1 in his class in college while playing two sports, whereas Abyss is a mental patient. He said he is the DNA of TNA and the Blueprint of the Perfect Athlete. Morgan said he's going to sink down to Abyss's level and challenge him to a match of 10,000 tacks.

-Lauren interviewed Eric Young, who was also wearing a suit she said was purchased with Kurt Angle's money. Now Lauren's bought into Angle's logic that money Angle never got because he was suspended was somehow still his? Young said he got his sweet suit at the Salvation Army. He said with the rest of the money he bought himself a really cool surround system. He invited Angle over to his house to play anytime. Angle then jumped Young. They brawled on the floor as Lauren called for help. Security intervened. Tenay said there has to be a showdown tonight between Angle and Jarrett.

[Q7]

-Cornette lectured Jarrett that he's not an active wrestler anymore. He asked what happens to TNA if he gets hurt. Cornette turned to Foley, sitting on a couch in the background as usual, and asked for him to talk some sense into Jarrett. Foley said, "Once a wrestler, always a wrestler." He told Jarrett to be careful out there. Sting said Angle is his problem, so leave this fight for him. Jarrett made Sting one promise - he's leave a piece of Angle for him.

-A vignette aired on Jarrett.

4 -- BEER MONEY INC. (Robert Roode & James Storm w/Jacqueline) vs. LAX (Homicide & Hernandez)

Homicide took control of Storm at the start. Homicide slidekicked Storm and Roode at ringside at 1:00. Hernandez then Border Tossed his own partner Homicide onto Beer Money on the floor, and then they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

The heels controlled for a while after the break, but at 8:00 LAX came back and Hernandez hit his big dive over the top rope. When Homicide chased Jackie, that gave Roode an opening. Hernandez spit beer out of Storm's beer bottle in his face. He set up his Border Toss, but Roode entered with a hair and bashed Hernandez over the head (unprotected) and the ref called for the DQ. As Beer Money beat down LAX, Team 3D made the save.

WINNERS: LAX via DQ in 9:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Basic stuff with a copout finish, but one that fit the storyline since neither LAX member are leaving TNA, but Beer Money aren't losing the tag belts yet.

[Q8]

-Brother Ray addressed Beer Money. He said every time they beat a team, the guy they beat have to leave TNA. He said that affects his livelihood and his ability to put food on the table for his family. Ray said that's pretty low in his book. Ray issued an official challenge to them at Destination X. Beer Money protested. Devon said, "Oh my brother, testify!" Ray wore a "Tapout" t-shirt spoof that said "Pullout."

-Tenay hyped the Destination X PPV line-up: Ultimate X, Awesome Kong vs. Sojournor Bolt, Steiner vs. Joe, and Sting vs. Angle, plus One Night with ODB.

-Angle made his way to the ring, past security, whom he managed to intimidate into leaving him alone. He grabbed a mic and called out "boss" Jarrett. He said he's waiting for him. He said he's sick, twisted, and over-the-top demented now thanks to Jarrett and Sting, so he's going to eat Jarrett alive as an appetizer, and the main course will be Sting at Destination X.

-They cut backstage to Bad Ass TNA Founder Jarrett wearing jeans and a t-shirt and taping his wrists.

[Commercial Break]

-The brawl began after the break with five minutes left in the show. Jarrett clotheslined Angle over the top rope to the floor. The fight quickly moved to the crowd. Angle finally made a comeback and crotched Jarrett over a barrier. Jarrett made a comeback a minute later and pounded Angle. Tenay said, "This is the last thing I thought we would see tonight." Angle used a low blow to come back once again. They brawled to the back. Jarrett reverse whipped Angle into a big wall covered in a Destination X poster. Then they fought all the way backstage. Jarrett threw Angle out of the building and then slammed the door shut. Tenay said that was symbolic. Team 3D congratulated Jarrett. Jarrett entered the ring and the crowd applauded and chanted, "Thank you, Jeff!" Foley, Team 3D, and Jarrett closed the show with their arms raised.

FINAL THOUGHTS (4.0): I've seen better, I've seen worse. The flippant treatment of the X Title match, the odd follow-up with the West-Tenay situation (with Tenay not addressing West's point of criticism that he backstabbed him at a meeting), and Super-Jeff-O-Mac mixed with a bunch of decent but rushed other segments and matches. There were some decent performances by Sting, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, and even Jarrett (who was good in his role, albeit he remains overpushed and somewhat delusional in the Stone Cold TNA Founder Sage Role - and what was with that speed-talking in the opening segment?), but the booking foundation remains largely a mess. Nash probably gets my MVP vote for doing a better job trying to make sense of and fill in the gaping logic holes in the MEM Sting-Angle situation.

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