By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
FEBRUARY 26, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.

[Q1]

-Clips aired of last week's Empty Arena (not counting Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, and several security members) between Sting and Kurt Angle including the "spit in face" incident that upset Sting more than Angle vowing to kill him minutes earlier. The title of the show is "Family Couselling Needed."

-Mike Tenay and Don West introduced the show in the empty Impact Zone. Tenay said they were taping this segment hours before this week's Impact event began. He touted that over 2 million viewers watched Angle vs. Sting, setting a new record for TNA. I know TNA is giddy over setting a record rating with the empty arena match, but they gave away an empty arena match between its two top stars and didn't even beat the previous ratings record by a full tenth of a rating point, and it's not like they can do an empty arena match every week. It's a new high, and that's a good thing, and probably worth bragging about on TV, but internally, they need to keep this in perspective. Also, imagine what the rating would have been with two or three weeks of hype, or even a full month! Imagine what kind of record buyrate they might have achieved had they put it on PPV instead! They threw to brief highlights, then Tenay said the Main Event Mafia will address the situation later in the show.

-The TNA Impact opening montage aired. Then the camera panned the crowd as Tenay and West previewed the rest of the show, centering on the ramifications of the "incredible implosion" of the MEM last week. West plugged a Beer Money match and a four-way ladder match for the X Division title. That four-way ladder match, in a more prudently booked TNA, would have been hyped for two or three weeks so fans could anticipate it and look forward to it for weeks rather than have it thrown at them with no notice. It just defines it down as no big deal, which reveals how the bookers feel about it, when it could and should be the centerpiece main event around which an entire week of TV is built.

1 -- MADISON RAIN & TAYLOR WILDE vs. THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (w/Cute Kip)

Taylor dominated early. Rain tagged in. Taylor got in Kip's face when he acted as a distraction to the advantage of the BPs. The BPs dominated from then out for several minutes until a hot tag to Taylor at 4:00. Taylor went on a flurry of offense against Love. The BPs double-teamed Taylor to take control. Rain jumped in to check on Taylor, but then slapped her. This is why people who hate TNA, hate TNA. The pace of booking in terms of turns has all the patience of a three year old. It'd be hilarious if it weren't so frustrating to watch. It happened so quickly with Madison that it means about as close to nothing as is possible, if not actually nothing at all. Rain walked out as Sky finished Wilde with the Beauty Mark finisher. You haven't lived until you've heard Tenay say "Biyatch-slap."

WINNERS: The Beautiful People in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *

-The Main Event Mafia, minus Sting, got out of their limo in the parking area. Jeremy Borash accosted Angle with questions about whether Sting accepted his challenge. Angle stared him down and then walked away.

[Commecial Break]

[Q2]

-Borash complained to Angle about not returning his text messages asking about Sting. He said he and the fans have a right to know. Angle said that's not true - MEM business is MEM business. Angle said he will make a statement at the top of the hour. Two police officers walked into the room. Scott Steiner instantly said, "She was 19! She was 19!" The officers asked if there was a Mr. Huffman there. Booker said he's there. Angle began laughing that his last name is Huffman. Booker said he'd talk with them outside. Angle continued to laugh uproariously. Borash laughed, too, and Angle asked, "What are you smiling at?"

2 -- BEER MONEY INC. (w/Miss Jacqueline) vs. ROCK 'N' RAVE CONNECTION -- Tag Titles vs. Loser Leaves Town

Rave got in some early offense against James Storm. RnR threw a double elbow drop on Roode next. Roode made a comeback against Rave, including dropping him neck-first over the top rope leading to a two count. Rave came back with a hard clothesline at 3:00. Rave hot-tagged Rock in. He punched away at both Roode and Storm. Rock gave Roode his overhead slam finisher. Jackie distracted the ref was Storm KO'd Rock with his belt for the win. Lance Rock must now leave TNA. The replay of the finish was sponsored by Popeye's Chicken. That's new.

WINNERS: Beer Money Inc. at 4:00.

STAR RATING: *

-A vignette aired on the TNA X Division, hyping them as bringing it all and leaving nothing behind; it's not about weight limits, it's about no limits, etc.

-Sting drove up in his yellow sports car with the broken driver's door. Borash pelted him with questions, saying the public needs to know. Sting ignored him, too. Sting was wearing a Main Event Mafia sweat shirt. There was a mystery person observing in the background that the camera zoomed in on. The lens was out of focus on purpose to hide the person's identity.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-Backstage there was yellow police tape on the doorway to Booker's locker room. He told the police A.J. Styles stole from him. Booker is so into his gibberish routine that it's pretty much impossible to understand him, so either he's entertaining because you like the gibberish gimmick or he's a total waste of TV time if you don't. Sharmell tried to calm Booker down.

-Tenay and West were shown on camera again. The crowd is no longer behind them, as they're facing the ring. They went to clips of the recent angles between Styles and Booker. West then plugged upcoming dates for the "TNA Respect Tour" starting March 27 in Rochester, Minn. Plus he plugged TNA Lockdown's ticket launch on Saturday in Philadelphia. Tenay threw to Abyss's latest therapy session.

-The segment titled "Dr. Stevie Is In" began with Abyss pacing and a view of Stevie's pony tail. Abyss talked about unwrapping Christmas presents and how happy he'd be to get a Jonas Brothers CD. He knew their names. He said he wants to be a teen idol, but not if he had to lose the mask. Stevie said that's all he had time for. Same place next week. Abyss said he's looking forward to it already.

[Commercial Break]

-A video graphic thanked the fans for making last week's episode of TNA Impact the most watched of all time.

-A "One Night with ODB" segment aired. The narrator said one lucky man will have a chance to show her what he's made of. Was the bi-sexual angle too much for TNA and/or Spike TV? They showed videos sent in by fans, a lot of real losers burping and drinking beer shirtless and being just creepy in general.

-Booker told the police that Styles is dangerous to society and his ass should be locked up. Booker talked to the cops like you'd tell a dog to go fetch. Styles showed up. He was the figure in the background earlier who was blurry. Styles attacked Booker. Security pulled Styles away, then Booker attacked him as they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

-Lauren interviewed Steiner. She asked what's going down later tonight when Tenay gets in the ring to interview Angle and Sting at the same time. Steiner said, "What's going down? You are. Later tonight. In my hotel room." Steiner got bleeped a dozen times as he went into a rant about Samoa Joe. The lights went out and Joe barged into the room and held a stick or knife against Steiner's throat. There was a lot of heavy breathing as Joe said he can scream, but no sound will come out. Joe left and Steiner looked up at Lauren and said, "That was a knife!"

-Borash interviewed Jeff Jarrett. The Sage said, "You know, J.B., whenever you have a bunch of egomaniacs united, you're going to have a problem. Wrestling always has been and always will be an individual sport. No team ever remains united in this business." In TNA, teams usually break up within two hours of forming. He smiled at the camera and said MEM will soon break up and it'll be business back to usual.

[Q4]

[Commercial Break]

-"Hardcore History 101" with Mick Foley: He said he's often asked what his best hardcore match was. He said for a long time it was against Shawn Michaels in 1996. He said he was in a good shape for his standards then. He said his comeback match in 2004 teaming with The Rock, he was okay, but he realized he wasn't in good enough shape given his limited physical gifts to begin with. Foley said he had a second chance to a final good impression against Randy Orton. He said afterward he was having a donut afterward and threw up all over Edmonton, but despite the head trauma, he had as good a hardcore match as possible. He said until he can top that April 2004 match, that will be his personal favorite hardcore memory.

-Tenay introduced the Main Event Mafia. Angle said this was going to be at the top of the hour, but it was actually about seven minutes before. Nash said he's been deemed spokesman for the Main Event Mafia. He said when this group of champions got together in Las Vegas, they knew it wouldn't be easy for that group of champions to stay together. He said they've had a week to patch up their differences. He said things may not be great, but they are a family. Tenay said he doesn't feel that vibe. Nash said he's trying to stir things up. He asked Tenay whom he works for. Tenay said TNA. Nash said he works for Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Nash said Jarrett used Angle and Sting to draw a big rating at the expense of the MEM. Nash said the only one who can break them up is themselves because together they're stronger than anything. He said they're stronger than the guys in the back and the front office. Nash said Angle doesn't have to love Sting and Sting doesn't have to love Angle, but he asked them to respect each other. Jarrett's music played.

Jarrett walked into the ring. He said knowing Sting like he has for the last 20 years, he's seeing what everybody in the arena is seeing - "I'm seeing that Sting ain't buying this crap for one minute." He said that Sting stands on a platform about honor, dignity, tradition, integrity. "Where in the hell is the integrity at when one of your brothers spit directly in your face?" Jarrett said "as the founder of TNA" (everyone take a drink!), he's going to give Angle his wish, the wish he asked for at the end of last week's program. He booked Sting vs. Angle in a TNA Title match. Booker barged into the mix and grabed the mic and yelled, "Wait one damn minute!" He said he wanted to know who died and made him the law around there.

[Q5]

Booker said he had a question for Jarrett. He wanted to know what he founded - "a company of nobodies and wannabes?" Booker said that rumor has it he started the company out of a flea market and painted the building himself. Booker said he needs to step to the back before they begin kicking his punk ass. Jarrett asked Booker what he was going to do, then stepped up to his face and said he's not going to do a damn thing. He said he doesn't need a badge to kick his ass all over the ring. Jarrett said he painted the Asylum and gave his blood, sweat, and tears for the company, "but look at us now!" He continued: "This is my house and these people are my family." He said his family wants Angle and Sting to fight it out for the title. He said they're going to get the contract signed later tonight. Jarrett was as strong on the mic in that segment as he's been in a long time. Just good presence and delivery.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay and West were shown on camera, this time with their back to the crowd again. Tenay plugged that Jarrett did it and stepped up to the plate and signed Angle-Sting. West looked upset and told Tenay, "While you're in ass-kissing mode, why don't you kiss Sting's ass as well." Tenay asked, "What in the hell are you talking about?" West said he knows what it is about. Tenay said he doesn't know. West yanked off his mic clip and said there's something that needs to be said. He stood up and held the wireless mic. He said they've called every single match in TNA together (well, there was that Mafia takeover episode) and they've been to each other's houses. He said their wives are best friends. Tenay asked what this was about West. West asked for him to let him finish. West said a few days ago TNA management held meetings that included a discussion about his future as a co-host. West said he heard Tenay was at that meeting and when the subject of West came up, Tenay wouldn't pick sides, he wouldn't speak up for him. "You're nothing but a selfish prick! You could've done the right thing, but you didn't have the balls," said West. "I don't know what my future holds, but I know two things. Number one, our friendship will never be the same. And number two, you can take this microphone and shove it up your ass." He threw the mic down and walked away.

Wow. That was out of nowhere. But boy does that parallel Tenay's real-life reputation, someone who is spineless at meetings dating back to his WCW days, someone who would protect his job at all costs and never say what he knew needed to be said, and a lot of people resent Tenay for that. It's quite a twist, though, that this is brought up on TV. I can't imagine where they're going with this, but I do know I've heard Tenay and West both have had bouts of insecurity about their position as announcers in the past, so this - as often is the case with TNA - draws from reality. Of course, it doesn't matter if an angle draws from reality; what matters is whether it's interesting to fans and draws ratings or sells tickets. Totally made up or based on reality is 100 percent inconsequential, but that doesn't mean that reality can't at times inspire a good angle. Unfortunately, it's often inspired really lousy, out-of-left field angles. I think in this case, there are some people who feel that way about Tenay and they wanted to call him out for it on TV to shove it in his face under the guise of being "merely an angle." If this is the beginning of West moving to play-by-play and Foley joining him on color commentary, I'd be intrigued to see that. Anything to keep Foley from talking about himself and the olden days and back doing what he did well on Smackdown as a color commentator, and anything to keep West on the air.

[Commercial Break]

-There was a big argument going on behind Lauren in the back halls between the Kongtourage members. I mean, you can't parody this company. Every single faction - including the announcers - is feuding from within, even if they just formed a week ago or a month ago.

-At ringside, Tenay said he never saw that meltdown coming. He said Keith Mitchell in the truck told him they were going to review the segment. They went to clips of West chewing out Tenay.

[Q6]

-Soujourner Bolt and Rhaka Khan entered the ring. They took some shots at Awesome Kong and Ryesha Saeed and called them out.

-A vignette aired on the TNA Knockouts division.

-They went to ringside with Tenay, this time with the stage behind him. Tenay remained upset with what happened with West as he threw to ring intros for the next match.

3 -- AWESOME KONG & RAISHA SAEED vs. SOUJOURNER BOLT & RHAKA KHAN

Tenay called the match solo. Khan took control on Saeed, but when Kong tagged in, she took control. She splashed Khan hard in the corner, then tagged Saeed back in. Saeed drew Bolt into the ring with a shove. Kong dropped Saeed onto Khan. Saeed hot-tagged Bolt into the ring and she went on an offensive run against Saeed. When Kong entered the ring, Bolt jumped on her. Saeed yanked her off. Khan went after Saeed. Four-way action broke out. Kong whipped Khan into Saeed. Kong threw Khan over the top rope to the floor. Bolt then finished Saeed with a sidekick to the chin as Kong and Khan fought at ringside. Bolt then pinned Saeed with a backslide. Afterward, Kong gave an Awesome Bomb to Bolt on top of Khan.

WINNERS: Bolt & Khan in 5:00.

STAR RATING: neg. * -- Really lousy match. Almost everything in the final two minutes was awful and awkward. The crowd didn't like this at all, either.

[Commercial Break]

-They showed a split screen of Sting and Angle pacing in separate rooms.

-A video aired on the Ultimate X match. Alex Shelley said he's sacred of heights. Styles said he doesn't like to think about fear. Chris Sabin said they were all unprepared for the first Ultimate X match. He said they put the posts on the ringpost for the practice session and Frankie Kazarian got on the cables and the poles all bent inward, so they went with the lighting grids instead. Shelley said he didn't want to think too hard about it going into it because he's psych himself out.

-A music video aired of "My Turn" by Hoobastank with Ultimate X match clips interspersed with the regular video. "My Turn" was released in October 2008 by this "post-grunge quartet" out of Los Angeles, Calif. that first went national in 2001.

4 -- ALEX SHELLEY vs. "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. CHRIS SABIN -- Ladder Match X Title match

The X Title was hanging above the ring. It's just absurd that the threw this on TV with zero build up or backstory. They could get so much more out of these matches than they do, it's so frustrating. A four-way match, a ladder match, and a title match each should be treated a very big deal on TV; to throw all three stips together and barely mention it ahead of time is a booking crime of inefficiency. Without hype, it just seems so much less important. Sabin and Shelley worked together early with success. As Creed and Lethal slid ladders into the ring, Sabin and Shelley slidekicked the ladders, k knocking Creed and Lethal to the mat. They went to a break at 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

Back from the break, Creed and Lethal set Sabin on a ladder bridging the middle rope and an upright latter center-ring. Sabin came back by dropping Creed over that ladder and then throwing him to the floor. Sabin then climbed the ladder to reach for the belt, but Lethal cut him off. Lethal one-arm slammed Sabin off one ladder onto the other. Ouch. Shelley then gave Lethal a jawbreaker off of the ladder. Shelley gave Creed his Sliced Bread move off the ladder. He then grabbed the X belt to win.

WINNER: Shelley in 8:00 to retain the X Title.

STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Some cool spots, but it all felt rushed and the finish was anticlimactic as a result.

[Q8]

-As Shelley celebrated, Suicide slid to the ring on a rope to maybe the worst entrance song this side of Christian's new WWE team. He attacked all four in the ring. The rumors aren't true that Suicide is going to form a kiddie-targeted faction with a new tag team named "Rape and Incest." The lights went out, and then when they came back on, he was gone.

-They showed Jarrett pacing backstage as Tenay, still going solo on commentary, plugged the Angle-Sting contract signing. They showed Sting and Angle separately heading to the ring.

[Commercial Break]

-Jarrett walked out to his intro music. Remember, you have to take a drink every time he refers to himself as the "TNA Founder" or if someone else does. He said at this time he wanted to bring out Angle first. The Mafia music played and Angle walked out with Nash, Booker, and Steiner. Jarrett said he's not a big movie buff, but he's seen his share of gangster movies. He said usually the thug stands behind the Godfather. "Aren't you supposed to be Tony Soprano-like?" Jarrett said to Angle. "Maybe Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino?" He told Angle that there's a big difference between him and those Godfathers. "They had balls and you don't," he said. Angle took off his sunglasses and grabbed the clipboard from Jarrett. Angle skimmed over the contract and as the crowd chanted "Sign it!" Angle signed it. Tenay said Angle hesitated before signing it. Angle then bashed Jarrett over the head with the clipboard. Then he gave him an Angle slam. MEM security half-heartedly tried to stop Angle. Mick Foley ran to the ring and made the save. As Foley checked on Jarrett, Angle attacked him and applied an anklelock. Sting then ran out with a baseball bat. He swung and hit Angle's legs from behind with the bat. Then he butted him to the mat. Angle was KO'd on his back as Sting stood center ring, bat in hand, as the crowd cheered. Sting helped Jarrett to his feet. Foley got to his feet and limped near the ropes as Sting picked up the clipboard and signed the contract. Tenay said, "There it is! Sting puts pen to paper." He dropped the clipboard over Angle's KO'd body.

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