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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 1/15: Styles vs. Angle the scheduled main event, Sarah Palin exposed as a fake, Hernandez cashes in World Title shot
Jan 16, 2009 - 5:33:46 AM
KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
JANUARY 15, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
[Q1]
-The show opened with the highlight package that, as usual, makes whatever PPV just took place the previous Sunday look like the Biggest Show Ever Boy Did You Miss Out. The title of the show: "Mick Foley apologizes for his performance on Sunday" or "When Icons Collide." I couldn't quite tell; it flashed by so quickly.
-The TNA Impact opening aired, followed by Mike Tenay and Don West introducing the show as the camera panned the crowd. They hyped a TNA Knockouts match, a tag team title contenders match, and Kurt Angle vs. A.J. Styles with Mick Foley as the special enforcer.
-Kurt Angle led the Main Event Mafia to the ring. They were dressed to wrestle, not dressed in suits. Scott Steiner, Booker T, Sharmell, and Sting followed Angle. Tenay called Foley's return to the ring "one bright spot" from the PPV. West updated Kevin Nash's staph infection that hospitalized him. Angle said the MEM are brothers who share a common value system and would take a bullet for each other. He said the MEM would be the greatest array of champions ever to be assembled as one in the history of the business. He talked about shattering dreams and breaking bones and ending careers. "Careers you can't really brag about, but careers nonetheless," he said, after which they went to clips of their attacks on B.G. James and Samoa Joe. Angle then bragged about "taking Jeff Jarrett out for good" on Sunday. He said they won their battles, but they didn't win the war, and that's Mick Foley's fault. He also said they were shorthanded due to Nash's absence. He said tonight the war comes to an end as he takes out A.J. Styles. No love for Kip? None given. He said tonight there will be multiple hits.
Hernandez walked out onto the stage and said if they want a hit, hit this. He looked Sting's direction and announced "right here, right now" he's cashing in his Feast or Fire title shot. Shane Sewell held his briefcase open with the title shot displayed. Sting got slightly bug-eyed. He's too injured to wrestle much of a match.
[Commercial Break]
[Q2]
1 -- STING (w/Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner) vs. HERNANDEZ -- TNA World Hvt. Title
Hernandez opened with some chops in the corner against Sting, who was still wearing a gray t-shirt. Hernandez followed with a slingshot shoulder tackle. He followed with another shoulder tackle. Angle showed concern at ringside. Hernandez scored a two count at 1:00. Steiner interfered as Angle distracted the referee. Tenay hyperventilated as he tried to sneak in all of his talking points hyping the rest of Impact, as if you should have to reiterate the line-up in the midst of a TNA World Title match rather than just making the match in and of itself seem like the biggest deal possible. Hernandez tore off his shirt after a couple clotheslines, then set up a powerbomb. Booker T threw Hernandez's shirt in his face just as he lifted Sting. Then the MEM attacked Hernandez, prompting the ref to call for the DQ.
WINNER: Hernandez via DQ in 4:00.
-In the midst of the brawl, Sewell yanked the Legends belt away from Booker T. Booker swung at him. Sewell ducked and Booker flew over the top rope. Sewell looked shocked and got in that "scared racoon" mode he gets in when he gets excited and nervous at the same time, then a few seconds later set the belt down and turned back to the beatdown in the ring. Homicide charged to the ring to make the save. It's good to see LAX in the mix with the MEM. Several other referees ran to the ring and began waving their hands at ringside as the MEM outnumbered LAX and continued the beating. The bell rang frantically as Styles headed to the ring to make the spirited save. Booker cut off his flurry with a kick to the face. Brother Ray and Brother Devon charged to the ring for the save. Brother Ray had a mohawk haircut, taking on a Road Warrior Animal look. They just got done saying Ray was out indefinitely and then he's back a week later? The babyfaces finally had the numbers advantage and powerbombed Angle through a table.
[Commercial Break]
-A winded Devon talked about the return of Ray. He said there is one thing they haven't done yet, and that's show good they are doing it as singles competitors. Ray seemed surprised by Devon's comment. So did Styles. Devon said he wants to kick off the new year right by kicking Angle's Gold Medal ass all over at Against All Odds.
[Q3]
Ray then took the mic and said, "Guess who's back! Guess who's back! Guess who's back!" He asked the fans if they like his new mohawk. He said if they were a real Mafia, they'd have had him buried in the ground and have a dog piss on him. "What'd you do? You threw me a dumpster. I had a party and now I'm back." They cut to Styles smiling and laughing. Ray looked at Devon and said he's right, they should try singles wrestling. Did they try it in WWE and it didn't really work out particularly well. Anyway, he said if Devon wants Angle, he wants Sting. He complained that Sting knew what his MEM cohorts did to him was wrong, but he stood and watched and didn't do anything. He said he's starting to expose himself for the liar and the cheat he really is. he said he could have stopped that beating, but he didn't. He closed with: "Sting, you wanted the bull? At Against All Odds, you've got the horns and I'm going to shove them straight up your assssss!" At least they didn't bleep "ass." Tenay said now it's up to Sting and Angle to accept the challenge.
-A TNA "Cross the Line" mini-vignette aired.
-Backstage, Lauren interviewed the Beautiful People with Cute Kip. She said "The Governor" is having them sign the final documents so on Jan. 20 they can inaugurated into the White House, "even though that's President-Elect Obama's night." Angelina Sky replied: "What do you know about politics, anyway, idiot hole." Angelina Love and Sky were giddy like they were standing front row at a Beatles concert in the 1960s. Kip said he's had enough of this and "it's a rib." Love said Kip is "above and beyond annoying" because he's obviously jealous of the governor. Sky asked him to enjoy their moment. He said he's going to smile because he's done all he can do and tonight they're on their own. He walked away with a big smile.
[Commercial Break]
-Tenay and West were shown on camera with their backs to the ring. They threw to a video package of Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett at Genesis, including blood flowing from Jarrett's forehead and later his face just covered in blood. Tenay said that footage was pretty tough to watch. West said he had a medical list of injuries including a broken bone in his foot, two cracked ribs, grade one concussion, contusions of the kidneys, and more.
-Borash was backstage as medics checked on Angle's neck. Docs said he wasn't cleared. Steiner told Angle he could take his place against Styles tonight. He said it's just one match. Angle said every match matters and ordered everyone out of the room.
[Commercial Break]
[Q4]
-A video package aired on the skits with the Beautiful People and The Governor (the Sarah Palin impersonator).
-Love, Sky, and the Gov walked to the ring together. The Gov told the BPs they passed every test so they can join them at the inauguration next Tuesday. She said they are fit to be role models. She said stripping their faces of make-up and letting their natural make-up shine through was one of the keys (which doesn't make sense because it's not Gov. Palin doesn't wear make-up; she's been accused of being a diva herself - the whole Palin spoof totally derailed from anything that would qualify as a parody of the real person a long time ago). They signed the docs and hugged her. Taylor Wilde and Roxxi walked out. Taylor said the BPs are the two most plastic, phony, dumb biatches to ever grace a wrestling ring. Taylor said for six months she's been trying to find a way to humble them. She said they've been representing the women's division well, while they were making a mockery of the Knockouts with their fake hair, nails, noses, and boobs. Taylor said, "We are not Divas. We are the TNA Knockouts." She said: "Once you take away all that make-up and all those slutty clothes, the only thing left are two dumb blonds." Oh, snap!
Roxxi took the mic and said what Taylor is trying to tell them "and that brain surgeon Kip has been trying to tell you for a month" is that the woman behind them is not Sarah Palin and there is no inauguration. "Punking you guys wasn't quite fun enough, so now it's time for you two hos to get Mucked." Love and Sky mockingly acted scared. Mud dropped from the rafters onto them in center ring. They screamed and cried like Nellie Olseon on "Little House on the Prairie."
[Commercial Break]
-After a replay of Sky and Love getting mucked, West and Tenay commented on it, then threw to Lauren.
-Lauren interviewed the newly named "Kongtourage" - Awesome Kong, Soujourner Bolt, Rhaka Khan, and Raesha Saeed. Bolt cut a promo.
-A video package aired on Soujourner Bolt, with her narrating pics of her growing up with many brothers. Borash said he'd never want to date a woman he knows could kick his ass. They bleeped him saying ass for some reason. She told a story of attacking a date because he ordered hear meal no. 1 instead of no. 2 with two cheeseburgers. Oh, and she drinks grape, not Diet Coke. Terry Taylor talked about spotting her at an indy show in Chicago two years ago. He said she commanded the attention of the audience as soon as she stepped out there. She talked about getting on the road and traveling from show to show. She said she's driven 12 hours to be in the ring for two and a half minutes. She said she's worked hard for everything she's earned.
-Four minutes of official in-ring action in the first hour.
[Q5]
2 -- ODB & ROXXI & TAYLOR WILDE vs. RAESHA SAEED & RHAKA KHAN & SOUJOURNER BOLT - Street Fight Rules
A couple minutes of back and forth action, heels on offense first, then ODB came back. They cut to a break at 3:00.
[Commercial Break]
After some ringside brawling, Roxxi went on a flurry of offense and scored a near fall on Bolt with a bridge at 8:00. A minute later Roxxi finished Khan with the Voo Doo Drop.
WINNERS: Roxxi & Wilde & ODB in 9:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4* -- TNA still really misses Gail Kim.
-A mini-vignette aired on Booker T.
[Q6]
-Backstage Borash held the mic as Booker T gave Angle a pep talk. He said TNA belongs to them. He called Mick Foley a washed-up has-been.
3 -- ABYSS & MATT MORGAN vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED & "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL
At 2:00, after Creed did his silly splits routine before popping up to punch Morgan, Morgan KO'd him with a big boot to the face off the ropes. That deserved a big babyface pop. They cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Morgan was still beating down Creed after the break. Tenay and West noted that Abyss wanted to tag out, but Morgan was reluctant because he hasn't felt he's had enough ring time in their tag matches lately. As soon as Abyss tagged in, Creed caught him with a boot and hot-tagged Lethal in. Lethal and Creed double-teamed Abyss and then hit Morgan at ringside with a stereo shoulder dive through the ropes. Creed caught Abyss with a top rope dropkick seconds later for a near fall at 7:00. Morgan entered the ring and gave Creed an overhead slam. Creed landed on his feet. Abyss caught a flying Lethal in mid-air, but slammed him inadvertently onto Morgan for the pin.
WINNERS: Lethal & Creed in 8:00 to earn a tag title shot against Beer Money at Against All Odds.
STAR RATING: *
[Q7]
-Afterward, Morgan pie-faced Abyss in anger. West said it might be good for them to hash out their differences so they can move past it. They brawled with each other briefly and then security and referees ran into the ring to pry them apart. Abyss broke free and dove at Morgan in the corner. Morgan then broke free and jumped Abyss.
-They cut backstage to Jim Cornette telling Angle he can't wrestle because the doctors said no. He told Angle to pick a replacement. Steiner said he had it. Booker wanted it. They argued. Sharmell said Booker called it first. Cornette stepped in and said Steiner is in the main event against Styles. Cornette promised fines and suspensions if anyone interfered.
[Commercial Break]
-A vignette aired hyping Brutus Magnus's pending debut. "My time for glory is upon us," he said.
-Borash, in full carnival barker voice, interviewed Foley backstage about their win on Sunday. Foley said congrats may not be in order because he doesn't find himself in a celebratory mood. He he's walking in a great deal of pain after his leg nearly snapped on Sunday. He said Jeff Jarrett isn't so lucky because he's at home healing from his injuries. He said he welcomes any MEM members to try to interfere.
4 -- SCOTT STEINER vs. A.J. STYLES -- Mick Foley as Special Referee
West said Styles "might be the most talented wrestler on the planet today." Steiner took Styles down amateur style and then slapped the back of his head a few times. Foley gave what appeared to be a pep talk to Styles at ringside. West said Foley is noticeably limping at ringside. Styles came back with a headlock at 2:00 followed by a signature dropkick. He played to the crowd and then flip dove onto Steiner on the floor.
[Commercial Break]
[Q8]
Steiner was in control after the break with chops in the corner and then a suplex. Tenay said the Jarrett-Angle match was one of the greatest matches they've had the opportunity to call. West said it was the hardest to call. Steiner bear-hugged Styles and then just tossed him face-first onto the mat in a nasty looking spot. Steiner gave Styles a Steinerline, then grabbed a chair from the crowd. Foley yelled at ref Earl Hebner. Steiner wedged the chair into the corner. The ref lectured him. Styles recovered and whipped Steiner into the chair. Styles took over with a stretch of offense leading to a near fall at 12:00. Steiner raked Styles's eyes afterward. Styles came right back with a bridge suplex and then a hard flying clothesline in the corner. When he went for a Stinger splash, Steiner yanked the ref into his path. Steiner then face-planted Styles as Foley checked on Hebner. Steiner grabbed his steel pipe and hit Foley on the back with it. Steiner then hit Styles with the pipe. With Styles down, Steiner made the cover. Hebner came to long enough to count, but Styles kicked out before three. West said it must've just been an instinctive reaction. Steiner then applied the Steiner Recliner. The ref came to and checked on Styles. Foley came to and pounded on the mat to encourage a Styles comeback. Styles reached for the ropes, so Steiner released the hold and forearmed Styles. He dragged him back to center-ring and reapplied the Recliner. Foley showed off his "famous sock." Petey Williams ran out and leaped off the top rope with a dropkick to Steiner's jaw. The ref didn't see it. Styles then hit Steiner with a Pele Kick for the win. The show closed with Foley, Styles, and Petey standing together in the ring with their arms raised.
WINNER: Styles in 15:00.
STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Steiner's pretty limited, but Styles is pretty good, and Steiner stuck with what he can do - the suplexes and power moves - and they put together a solid match. The finish forwarded the seemingly forgotten Petey-Steiner conflict.
FINAL THOUGHTS: A middle of the road edition of Impact. Nothing stood out as horrible storyline-wise for them, but nothing really grabbed you, either. Just more of MEM and Front Line battling each other. The returns of Brother Ray and Petey was supposed to carry the show from a newsy standpoint. The Palin payoff was a bit of a letdown as the Palin impersonator just disappeared after it was revealed she wasn't the real deal. The Hernandez cash-in was a letdown, too. He better get that briefcase back after how cheap his title match ending was. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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