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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT 1/2: Matt & Jeff Hardy vs. Big Show & Edge, The Episode Where Triple H Made Fun of Vickie for Being Fat
Jan 9, 2009 - 5:39:28 AM |
By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor
KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
JANUARY 2, 2008
TAPED IN EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. AT THE IZOD CENTER
AIRED ON MY NETWORK TV
[Q1]
-The show opened with the opening of the show. How novel. Jim Ross hyped the show, saying they had an "amazing main event," Edge & Big Show vs. Matt & Jeff Hardy.
-Justin Roberts introduced Smackdown's General Manager, Vickie Guerrero. She walked out smiling and waving as Ross wished viewers a happy new year. She said the Road to WrestleMania kicks off with the Royal Rumble. She said Jeff Hardy will face her husband Edge in a big match, plus everyone is looking forward to the 30-man Rumble. She said participants would be announced later in the night. As she was about to leave the ring, Triple H walked out to his music. Let me guess. He's going to be prick in some way.
He met her center ring and said he can't wait for the Royal Rumble as she sneered at him. She said he'll have to wait until later to hear her announce his name. Triple H said he's always been impatient. He said the fans are the same way and if they get unruly, they may begin to follow her everywhere. He began listing places where a woman who wasn't slim could buy fattening food to keep her figure. He said they might follow her around and chant "Triple H." He said the might switch to a less nice chant with just two words. The crowd said, "Suck it!" She said if he keeps that up, he won't be in the Rumble. Triple H said if he's not entered into the Rumble, then probably a Smackdown wrestler won't win the Rumble, and thus she'll be seen as a weak General Manager, and then she'll probably be fired and disappear into obscurity. He said that wouldn't be good because then nobody would buy her doll. He pulled out the official Vickie Guerrero action figure. Triple H held up to her face. He said, "It's got the same vacant, confused, I'm-in-over-my-head look on the face." He made a crack about her child-bearing hips and plus-sized clothes. Overweight women are such slobs! Let's make fun of them and then smile and let everyone cheer! Nothing is funnier than making fun of a woman with more bodyfan than Michelle McCool! Keep going, Triple H. It just gets funnier all the time, judging people and mocking people by their looks instead of their character. That's not being a prick, that's being totally cool.
Vickie got understandably flustered and asked him to leave the ring. Triple H began to leave, but Columbo'd his way back with "just one more thing." He said it's a big embarrassing, but while playing with her doll, one thing led to another "and the clothes came off." He said, "That's when I noticed it." He took the doll's clothes off. He said, "Some things got much bigger and some things got much smaller, but no matter how I looked at it, your action figure is hot." He said next thing he knew he was on the Internet "looking for information, and that's when I found them, Vickie. That's when I found the nude photos." Vickie said she didn't know what he was talking about. He said he's seen them on eBay, and he assumed she was the one selling them. Triple H said the auction closes in five minutes and he put a lot of money down on them. He said he keeps getting outvoted by a guy named "ChavoG2009." She ran to the back in a panic.
-They cut backstage to a photo shoot with Khali, Finlay, Hornswoggle, and Ranjin Singh. They were having soooo much fun goofing around!
[Commercial Break]
[Q2]
-A vignette aired hyping the pending return of Umaga.
1 -- CURT HAWKINS & ZACH RYDER vs. THE GREAT KHALI (w/Ranjin Singh) & FINLAY (w/Hornswoggle)
Ryder was much, much more excited about the match than Hawkins, to the point of freaking out Hawkins who wanted his personal space respected. Hornswoggle ran out and jumped under the ring. Ross said he must have have a big screen under there. When Khali walked out, Tazz said the music makes him want to dance. Or makes "one want to dance," I should say. Early on Khali banged the heads of Hawkins and Ryder together. Hornswoggle ran out did the same. Ross called him lovable. Tazz called him mean. Finlay tagged in and continued the beat down. Hawkins took over with a slidekick, then stomped on him in the ring. Ryder settled into a dynamic chinlock in center ring at 3:00. Khali tagged in and whipped Hawkins into Ryder in the corner. He followed with the Punjabi Plunge for the win. Hornswoggle got in a few final licks, including a top rope tadpole splash. Everyone danced and smiled afterward. Nobody's had more fun in a ring since Cousin Luke square-danced with Uncle Elmer in 1986.
WINNERS: Khali & Finlay in 4:00.
-Ross plugged the tag team main event and wondered how Edge and Show would coexist.
[Commercial Break]
-As an aerial shot aired of New York City, Ross plugged the Rumble announcement later.
-Eve interviewed Michelle McCool about her post-match attack of special referee Maria last week after she lost her Divas Championship. Eve said, "I thought you and Maria were friends?" Michelle said, "Yeah, well, what about what I deserve?" She blamed Maria for costing her the title last week on purpose. She said she got what she deserved. Eve asked her to apologize. McCool said, "There you go thinking again. Why don't you stick with what you do best." Then she shoved the mic toward her face in a suggestive way.
-Edge freaked out backstage about his wife having naked pictures on eBay. Show leaned back on a couch and said he saw the pictures. "They weren't as bad as I thought they'd be," he said. Vickie stormed away. Edge said, "That's my wife you're talking about." Show stood up and said he hides behind his wife and lets her fight all of his battles, so he should be embarrassed. Edge said what's embarrassing is getting "knocked out by a flyweight at WrestleMania." He told him to go ahead to knock out Jeff Hardy and win the Rumble and face him for the World Title at WrestleMania.
[Q3]
[Commercial Break]
-WWE Fact: WWE is watched by more than 15 million people each week in the U.S. Torch Fact: Did you know if watch Raw, you're two people. And if you watch Smackdown, ECW, and anything on WWE.com, you've become five people? Throw in a PPV and you're a half-dozen people!
2 -- JESSE & FESTUS vs. BRIAN KENDRICK & EZEKIEL
When the bell rang, Festus went berserk on both heels. When Festus leaped onto Kendrick, Tazz said, "That's like a small foreign car landing on your chest." Kendrick clipped Festus's knee, then kicked it with several round kicks. Ezekiel tagged in and continued to work on his leg at 2:00. Festus hot-tagged Jesse a minute later. He hit Kendrick with rapid-fire offense. Ezekiel broke up his pin attempt, drawing Festus into the ring. Ezekiel dumped Festus over the top rope to the floor, then one-arm slammed Jesse and scored the pin. Ross called Ezekiel "Kendrick's human shield."
WINNER: Ezekiel & Kendrick in 4:00.
-Ross again plugged the big main event tag match.
[Commercial Break]
[Q4]
3 -- VLADIMIR KOZLOV vs. HURRICANE HELMS
Tazz talked up Hurricane's showing against Shelton last week. If you squint, Hurricane looks a bit like Al Snow. Tazz said Alexander Karelin has nothing on Vladimir Kozlov, in his opinion. Kozlov overpowered Helms and kicked him hard in the ribs. Ross called him "a very dangerous human being." He's not just "very dangerous." He's "a very dangerous human being." Meanwhile, a fan yelled, "Boring!" Vlad finished him with the battering ram. Ross said, "Helms just couldn't get started tonight." Pretty bland match. It didn't make Helms seem strong because he survived four minutes instead of three, so that early match boring armlock could have been left out.
WINNER: Kozlov in 4:00.
-A segment aired with Mr. Kennedy co-stars saying his being a WWE Superstar gave him an edge. Kennedy said it was an awesome feeling to fire a machine gun.
[Commercial Break]
-Jim Ross stood mid-ring and talked about the Royal Rumble. He said the lone survivor will earn a title match at WrestleMania 25. He announced some of the participants: Triple H, Big Show, Vladimir Kozlov, and Shelton Benjamin. At that point, Shelton interrupted Ross. He asked Ross what's wrong with him. He said he's not just a participant. He insisted he is the odds on favorite. He said unless he wants to be the first man he throws over the top rope, he should leave the ring now. Ross left. Shelton held up his U.S. Title belt and bragged about being champion for six months strong. He said in 2009 he plans to realize his ultimate goal is main event WM25 and leave as champion. He said there's a reason he's called the Gold Standard, and there is no one in the Rumble match who can compare to him. He said he doesn't care if it's Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, Fit Finlay, or R-Truth. Who's "Fit" Finlay?
[Q5]
Undertaker's voice said, "I think you forgot someone." The lights went out. When they came back on, Taker was standing there. He chokeslammed Shelton. Ross said it goes without saying that the Dead Man will be in the Royal Rumble match "much to the chagrin of 29 other Superstars." Taker's music played and he snarled and glared and snorted and stuff.
[Commercial Break]
-A Kizarney vignette aired, same one as last week.
-Michelle McCool walked to the ring to her music. Ross called her "controversial." She said she owes Maria an apology. She said if she can hear her, please accept her apology. She got fake teary-eyed. She said there's someone else she needs to apologize to. She asked Eve to come out to the ring. Eve walked out. McCool said it wasn't cool of her to take out her frustrations at the time with Maria on her. She asked for forgiveness. Eve said, "Of course." Then they hugged. Eve walked out of the ring as her music played. McCool ran out to ringside and jumped EVe as she waved at the fans, hitting her in the head with a mic. McCool ripped at her mouth Mad Dog Vachon-style, then stomped on her a few times. Eve cried. McCool gave her a running knee to the side of the head. Tazz profoundly said, "Eve doesn't deserve this." Glad he took that stand. Someone had to say it.
-Vickie told Chavo that she liked his idea. "You're onto something," she said with a smile. But then she got upset about the pictures again. Triple H walked into the room. Vickie said if he thinks he can insult people and not apologize, he's mistaken. Triple H said she should be apologize because he's not the one with naked pictures of himself spread all over the Internet. She booked him in a tables match, handicapped match, and last man standing match next week. Chavo called it "Triple Jeopardy." Vickie said, "Shut up, Chavo. Triple Jeopardy!" Triple H sneered (one of WWE's eight basic facial expressions).
[Commercial Break]
[Q6]
4 -- MVP vs. KIZARNEY
Tazz said a lot of people have been going to the pawn shop lately, and MVP's fallen on tough times like a lot of people. A dejected MVP called for whoever his opponent is to come on out. Out came Kizarney. Ross and Tazz talked about how he was homeless and just travelled with the carnival and lived in the streets. Tazz said he eats fire and a lot of his friends are bearded ladies. Kzarney went for an early backslide. MVP blocked it. Tazz said it's tough for MVP to prepare to face someone he's never seen "compete" (Compete is the new euphemism for "wrestle," the word that no one dares mention on WWE TV or athletic commissons might want to regular them or something.) Kizarney dove through the ropes onto MVP. Tazz said Kizarney considers pain an art form. MVP made a comeback at 3:00. Kizarney used unconventional offense, prompting Tazz to call him "bizarre." Ross said, "He has a close relationship with pain, if you will." MVP set up his finisher, but Kizarney countered with a flip double-arm DDT for the pin.
WINNER: Kizarney in 7:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4* -- The crowd didn't like this, but it didn't help that they don't know Kizarney's ring style yet. It took the selling by the announcers to make sense of it. MVP's offense consisted of lying on the mat with a bearhug twice, but otherwise he was a punching bag.
-As MVP tried to gain his senses, Mr. Kennedy came out again and said he just got whooped. "I think the correct terminology is whizupped," he added. He then plugged his new DVD. Whatever star power Kennedy once had is evaporating every time he steps out onto the stage doing this routine. This is not working for him at all.
[Commercial Break]
[Q7]
-Ross and Tazz plugged Kendrick & Ezekiel facing Carlito & Promo in a tag team title match next week.
-As Edge made his ring entrance, Tazz said a lot of female stars do foolish things when they're young. Edge said, "Naked pictures of not, you will respect my wife, and you will respect me." He said after the Rumble, he will be the World Champion for the seventh time. He said when Jeff Hardy's reign comes to an end, then blame him.
[Commercial Break]
5 -- EDGE & THE BIG SHOW vs. MATT & JEFF HARDY
They began the tag match with 15 minutes left in the show, plenty of time for a good main event tag. Jeff Hardy was wearing early Great Muta-like red facepaint. A minute in, the Hardys threw Edge over the top rope right into Big Show's arms. Show seems annoyed at having to catch Edge. He told Edge to calm down and gather himself. They cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Edge was on offense against Jeff after the break. A clip aired of Show interfering to turn momentum in the match Edge's way. Edge and Show took turns beating on Hardy for several minutes as Jeff worked the crowd and reached for a hot tag. At 10:00 Show just walked out. Edge paused to yell Show's way. Matt tried to make a comeback, but Edge gave Hardy a DDT for a near fall. An angry Edge set up a spear to finish Matt. Matt met him with a front kick to the face and a Side Effect. He then hot-tagged Jeff at 11:00. The crowd popped as Jeff went on a flurry of offense against Edge. Edge survived and kicked out. Jeff tagged Matt back in, who at least still appeared to be selling the effects of being beat down for eight minutes. He gave Edge a running bulldog and then wiggled his fingers to signal the Twist of Fate. He hit the move, then tagged Jeff back in, who hit the Twist of Fate for the win. The show closed with Matt and Jeff hugging.
WINNERS: The Hardys in 14:00.
STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Basic tag match. The Matt Hardy beat down went on a long time and wasn't exactly exciting, and after the hot tag, it was over within two minutes, so not a lot to it overall.
-So, uh, what happened with the eBay auction for the pics? I guess that's a cliffhanger. Triple H was just mean to Vickie early in the show. McCool seems like she'll be a believable heel. Edge was, as usual, entertaining. Overall, a can-miss show. Not terrible, but not particularly memorable otherwise. And that photo shoot scene with Finlay and Khali et al was just creepy weird.
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