By Lee Stevens, PWTorch Specialist

Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling report - Week 6
Orignally aired Nov. 22 on CMT
Report by Lee Stevens, PWTorch specialist

Picture this: the Giants beat the Panthers in the NFC Championship game to advance to the Super Bowl. After a week of excitement and anticipation, the Giants take the field to face the AFC Champion Colts. Just before kickoff, the Panthers run out from the locker room and grab a microphone to announce that they weren't ready last week, but they are here tonight and they are more than ready to compete. Not only are they not told to leave the building immediately, they are actually given a chance to play despite all rules pointing out the absurdity of their request. Far-fetched? In most areas, yes. In reality TV? No. In wrestling? Of course not. In reality TV featuring wrestling? We're lucky that we haven't seen worse.

Before we look closer at the CCW rulebook, we see the remaining five celebrities relaxing at the start of another day, reflecting back on the previous match. Trishelle has a few choice words for Dennis Rodman and he responds accordingly. Apparently tensions are a bit high all around as Dustin Diamond and Todd Bridges begin to get to know each other much better. Diamond is ready to defend himself until Bridges actually comes closer to him and then he does what all tough guys from the street do. He threatens litigation.

"That's assault," Diamond reminds Bridges. Dustin Diamond reminding Todd Bridges what qualifies as assault is like me reminding LeBron James what qualifies for money. Trust me, he knows. Dustin, only one remaining celebrity was accused of attempted murder, not once, but twice. Here's a hint, it's not Butterbean.

Just before Bridges goes for the trial trifecta (for the record, he was never convicted), the judges come in with identical haircuts and an announcement. The newly blond Brutus Beefcake and Brian Knobs invite the final five to go on a field trip. The zoo? A museum? No, we're going to where the excitement is. A junkyard. Eric Bischoff greets the celebrities and tells them that this week, they're going hardcore. They find their weapons of choice and take out their aggression on an abandoned car. Bridges looks likes he's done this before, proving once again that Diamond made the smart move by not proceeding with their earlier fight. If Kenny Rogers has taught us nothing else it's that you need to know when to walk away.

Apparently Danny Bonaduce is not a fan of "The Gambler." After the junkyard road trip, the final five are shocked to see Dangerous Danny walk into the building ready to get to work. Diamond continues his streak of picking fights with the perfect person by telling Bonaduce that he was eliminated last week. Danny responds with trademark denial, reminding him, "The only way I can be eliminated is if the right person says 'you're a jobroni, get out of my ring.'" Diamond quickly counters that those words were spoken last week, only to hear one of the more bizarre rebuttals in organized debate. "Did you want to dispute this with me right now?!" Those words may not seem odd, but if you saw the crazed look on his face when it was said, you understand that Danny may be here, but he's not really "here."

I would have loved to have heard Bonaduce's rationale for his objection, considering he wasn't even at the arena when it happened. Before he could articulate his counter-argument, he went to the wallet. He once challenged Erin Murphy with a bet of 50 G's, but this time, it's a $20 bill to Diamond insisting that that he'll be back to work later that day. With the Andrew Jackson smackdown applied to Diamond, Bonaduce searches out Hulk Hogan to state his case.

"If you say that I'm a jobroni and I need to get out of your ring, I'm going home right now," Bonaduce insists. When Hogan informs him that decision was made last week, I thought the situation was resolved. Instead, Diamond made the mistake of interrupting the two while they were talking. As a result, Hogan booked both of them in a hardcore, Falls Count Anywhere match. So, if you're eliminated, you're forgiven. If you interrupt me while I'm talking? You are in SO much trouble. Apparently, Danny is back.

Hardcore rules followers: Catholic school nuns, the military, Reality TV show producers with wrestling ties.

As Dustin and the "artist formerly known as eliminated" prepare for their hardcore match, Danny gets upset when Dustin gets hardcore. No, I'm not trying to be clever. Dustin practiced one of this week's moves and Danny snapped, to the point where Dustin left the ring, leaving Danny, alone with his trash can. Naturally, just as any sane person would do, he proceeded to hit himself over the head with it.

Almost lost in the chaos were the moves of the week. Hitting someone in the gut, across the back and on the head in a hardcore match. Everyone took their lumps, with Trishelle looking the most nervous of the bunch. To give them pointers on intensity, Goldberg made his return to the squared circle. Bill Goldberg has taken some heat for turning his back on wrestling, but it was good to see him fully committed to helping a project related to the career which made him famous. When I say "fully committed," of course I mean that he didn't change out of his jeans and he never took off his jacket. Yes, the check's in the mail, Bill.

Many fans will remember Goldberg's intensity. A stiff kick from Goldberg to Bret Hart likely helped push "the Hitman" into retirement. Later, he tore up his arm after smashing the glass of the NWO limo. Perhaps there was a safer, more appropriate way to get the former champ on the show, such as the Frank Stallone episode, or Tiffany. She was hardcore.

As for the matches, Trishelle's fear of injury kept her outside the ring for much of the match, but she returned to the ring long enough to help her and Rodzilla get the win. It was a typical hardcore match with signs and cookie sheets and frying pans. The Falls Count Anywhere match went to the Locker Room and to the Gym before ending in a 1-2-3.

In the end, Diamond, Bonaduce and Trishelle were up for elimination, which should seem familiar, since Bonaduce was already eliminated! Hogan asked the determining question of Trishelle. "Did you give it 100 percent this week?"

When she said "no," she was eliminated and later admitted that she was proud of what she accomplished but fear overcame here. To her credit, she represented herself quite well and did nothing to embarrass herself during her run on the show.

Now the final five has become the final five. Trishelle is gone but Danny is back, so our number doesn't change. The lesson kids? If you're ever fired from your job, just come back on Monday as if nothing ever happened. Explain that you didn't quite understand the rules and you're ready to do better now.

As for Trishelle, if she doesn't come back next week, she's missing an opportunity. Just claim that you didn't understand the rules, but now you're ready. Plus, the producers could be onto something. If they continue to bring back contestants, this show could run forever. Bring back Frank Stallone. I beg you.

Lee Stevens recaps Hulk Hogan's CCW and goes "Under The Microscope" for Raw and Smackdown. He holds no personal grudge against Danny Bonaduce or the voices in Bonaduce's head. You can comment below or write to Lee at GLStevens.Torch@gmail.com

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