By Lee Stevens, PWTorch Specialist

Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling report - Week 5
Orignally aired Nov. 15 on CMT
Report by Lee Stevens, PWTorch specialist

With Nikki Ziering eliminated last week, we're down to six remaining celebrities and it appears that everyone actually wants to be there even if not everyone is actually there.

We start this week with two apparent topics of conversation. One, Trishelle is now the last woman standing. Two, Danny is not standing in the ring. The celebrities are upset that Bonaduce frequently shows up four hours late and acts as if they should be happy that he bothered to show up.

Apparently, some are just as concerned that a female was invited to their party. Brian Knobs delicately reminded us that she was the "only girl, uh woman left" and Dennis Rodman was far less polite. "This is a man's sport, why is she here?" To Trishelle's credit, she didn't let it intimidate her and countered by showing us her pink bra strap.

I repeat. She made sure that she didn't play into the sexist comments directed at her based on a negative perception of the opposite gender by...showing us her pink bra strap. We were so close to something positive. The movement will have to wait.

Eric Bischoff brings the five celebrities (and the aura of the missing Bonaduce) into the ring to announce that this week's match will be a Battle Royal and that the teams are disbanded. Team Beefcake and Team Nasty will become Team Hogan and for one, Butterbean doesn't like it. "Team Nasty is ugly, stinky, and they're not the smartest tools in the shed."

Yes, I hit rewind to make sure. "They're not the smartest tools in the shed." Now, we can assume several things. Perhaps he just misspoke and he meant the sharpest tools in the shed, or Bean talks to his rakes. Either way, we have an early contender for quote of the week.

Although the teams have gone the way of Hulk Hogan's Pastamania, the trainers are still here as Brutus Beefcake and Brian Knobs introduce two of the three moves of the week. Since it's a Battle Royal, the celebs will learn how to go "over the top" and the "duck and boost." Knobs wisely warns the participants about going directly over the ropes and he advises them to brace the fall on the apron until they get more confident. All five (and the ghost of Bonaduce past) listen intently and show appropriate levels of concern.

Todd Bridges is the first to attempt it and breaks his fall and initially it appears that he landed cleanly. Until he comes up wincing and after apparently landing on his "special purpose." Initially, I thought that meant he damaged his hat, until I saw the general area he was attempting to NOT hold until the cameras were off of him. Best wishes on a speedy recovery. I'll pass along my gym coach's advice: walk it off.

Trishelle went over well, however Bean needed a bit of assistance. After some convincing, Dennis Rodman took the plunge, however Dustin Diamond could not be convinced, insisting that he wanted to save his shoulder. I didn't notice this in week's past, but Diamond does enjoy the tape. He generally has something wrapped and it often changes from scene to scene.

It's possible that they are showing injuries from various weeks out of order, or he has become this generation's Les Nessman. For non-WKRP in Cincinnati fans, Nessman was famous for having a bandage somewhere on his body in every episode and it would rarely be in the same place. Trishelle had a less nostalgic view of Dustin, adding, "There's two women here, me and Dustin."

As if the celebs weren't already respectful of the dangerous nature of the move, they were quickly reminded as Rodman tossed one of the trainers over the top and he went flying into the air. If several other people were on the outside ready to catch him, it would have been a perfect move. If my aunt had a "special purpose," she would have been my uncle. Neither happened. The only thing catching "Sammy" was the floor. One broken wrist later and we have more respect for the process of going over the top rope.

The third move of the week comes from our special guest Rob Van Dam who taught the celebrities how to roll, no, that isn't right. He taught the celebrities about finishing moves. The thoughts of Mean Bean giving a Five-Star Frog Splash quickly left as they looked for individual finishers. Danny showed up just in time to meet RVD and when they needed a volunteer to demonstrate going over the top rope, he immediately stepped forward.

Please remember, Mr. Bonaduce joined practice already in progress, so he has the maniacal look, the insatiable hunger, but the one thing he does not have is experience. Van Dam tosses Bonaduce and he lands awkwardly and immediately falls to the ground.

Not surprisingly, the medic is called for an apparently back injury. As the brace is fitted around his neck and Bonaduce is stretchered out, the other contestants seem worried. Knobs comforts everyone with the calming words, "Welcome to the wrestling business, kid." There's your recruitment slogan. When you're on a stretcher and you can't feel your legs, welcome to your career. I'm not naive enough to think the professional wrestling has the same orientation as most professional jobs, but that's scary. "They gave me a pen and a map of the building, what did you get?" "Chronic next pain." "Sweet."

The remaining five participate in the Battle Royal without Bonaduce. Bridges surprised me with a decent job of "skinning the cat" to stay alive and if you enjoy this type of match, you probably enjoyed Butterbean who gave us the classic big guy routine of men from Haystacks Calhoun to One Man Gang to Uncle Elmer to Viscera and many robust men in between. Nothing pretty from Bean, but standard work from a man of 400 pounds, before getting tossed out by the other four celebrities.

Although it was billed as a Battle Royal, it had the appearance of a Royal Rumble match as two men started the match and then another competitor would join the match in progress. Bridges hit his finisher of a respectable sunset flip off the top rope to pin Diamond. Bridges was tossed over the rope by Rodman and as they became entangled, Trishelle wisely ran over and tossed both of them to the floor, winning the match.

At the elimination, it appeared as if the judges would eliminate one of the five who actually had wrestled. In the interest of fairness, Hulk Hogan eventually announced that the person eliminated was the person who didn't bother to show up. "Danny Bonaduce, you're a jobroni, never again climb back in my ring." With that, we immediately say goodbye to the man Knobs affectionately referred to as "red-headed freak" and "red-headed stepchild" in this episode. Ah, the memories.

If you know anything about guys who are just a bit too intense for the activity in front of them, you know they don't usually leave quietly. Previews of next week show the return of Bonaduce and our guest star, Bill Goldberg. For the record, next week they get "hardcore." I'm not sure if you remember Goldberg's physical success rate, but it's the only thing I fear more than a scorned Danny Bonaduce. Please move your limos and guard your head and join me here next week for the final five, or will it be six?

Lee Stevens recaps "Hulk Hogan's CCW" and takes a closer look at Raw by going "Under The Microscope". He's not the sharpest tool in the shed or the smartest tool in the shed. You can leave your comments below, e-mail him at GLStevens.Torch@gmail.com or just sit quietly and think about your special purpose.

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