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2/23 WWE Heat review (UK version): Maven-Richards, Dudleys

Feb 25, 2003 - 11:45:00 AM
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WWE Euro-Sunday Night Heat review
Aired Sunday February 23, 2003.
Taped Monday February 17, 2003 in Columbus, Ohio.
Aired exclusively on Sky One, a UK channel.
Review by Celian Varini, Torch Team Contributor


Commentated by Jonathan Coachman and Marc Lloyd. Yes you read that right. How some of you complained that they had to sit through 15 minutes of Coach on Monday should come over here in Europe for a week-end just to listen to this duo of buffoons completely ruin what could actually be a good show. They have to be pretty confident about their job security to act like this. I'm pretty pissed off about the way they're destroying everything they're associated with. But it could be worse: it could be Ernest Miller and Coach! Yesssss. (This "Yessss" can only be understood by the one percent of people who actually ever heard Coach comment a match).

Also a quick note, Sunday Night Heat is actually shown at 11am over in the UK, noon for me in France. Does anybody else see the moronic irony here?

(1) The Dudley Boyz beat Lance Cade & Rene Dupre in 7:03 when D-Von pinned Dupre after a 3-D.

Rene Dupre? Is this a joke? I don't know if you guys in the US realize, but this is the most ridiculous name in the world. Since it's a French name, you can trust me on that one. I don't know, but it would be like having a guy called Cletus Bernardson trying to pass off as a pretty boy teenager. What's the other Rene you know? Yep, the scary fat bald Celine Dion husband: see what I mean? What do you mean it's his real name? No wonder he bulked up to offset the insults he must have suffered through his youth: now he can be "that bully with the stupid name". I read someone who said that Dupre looked like a small Batista without tattoos: he was right. Cade is what we call "un gars en slip" over here in France. Just "some guy in tights". Kind of like the guy you get in wrestling video games in the "create a wrestler" option when you just don't choose anything. I think he was billed as being from "Generic Town, Indiana". Johnny C., or Maven's bro as he liked to be called, proved his talent once again after the Dudley squash with this expert commentary:

Coach: "You think they're ready for No Way Out? Oh , they're not on the card right now, but you gotta believe the Dudley Boyz are ready for the road, oh... To Wrestlemania."

Pathetic. Let me remind you that this guy earns more money than YOU.

A commercial for No Way Out aired focusing on Rock-Hogan II. For all the courageous people over here, the show starts at 1am UK time (2am in France) tonight, or tomorrow morning actually. Let's just hope that they put the Undi Vs BS match high on the card or I may quickly doze off.

WWE Rewind: The Dudleyz put Chief Morley through a table. Of course, it was censored on UK TV, as everything else, so we just basically saw a 30 second freeze-frame with sound of breaking wood.

Raw last week: 3MW and Rico thrash Spike Dudley. Thank God Spike changed t-shirts, the awful and forbidden word "Bastard" doesn't appear on my TV set anymore, and we can watch a Spike match without UK TV censorship. Seriously, after my last review where I wondered why Spike's matches were always censored, I was forwarded an e-mail from Lee Relph, the brilliant reviewer for the WWE Classics show on - euh, - a different website, and here is what he wrote:

"Your reviewer (NB: Me!) wonders why the Spike Dudley matches are heavily censored when they are screened over here in the UK. The reason is simple: Spike has the legend "One Tough Little Bastard" emblazoned on the back of his T-shirt! As HEAT airs at 11.00 am on a Sunday Morning (and is repeated at 7.00am and 5.30pm during the week), the ITC program code prohibits language of that nature to be broadcast on TV during these daytime periods and any time when children can be watching TV. I should add, that the rules of program for daytime TV in the UK is very strict but after 9.00pm there are relaxed considerably hence the (usually) uncensored versions of Raw, Smackdown and Velocity that air in these timeslots. Admittedly, the sight of this word would only be fleeting as Spike's continual movement should lessen it's visibility although prolonged periods of inactivity with the camera upon Spike's back would, of course, reignite the problem. However, I am in agreement with your reviewer (NB: Me again!) that the constant cutting away to crowd shots is very annoying and does hamper one's enjoyment of the match. How is anyone meant to get into the match when you can't see most of it? Personally, I don't why the WWE can't just blur out the offending word (they used to for Saturday morning screenings of Smackdown when Big Show used to where the "Big Nasty Bastard" T-Shirt in 2000) like they do with the old "WWF" logo on the retro clips or even, have Spike change his T-Shirt".

And that's what they did! Seriously Lee, thank you very much for those explanations. As you know, I come from France, the country where tits & ass are exposed everywhere in the streets and on TV at any time of the day, so that's why I'm astounded by that stupid way of thought. I really had no idea. Hell, I didn't even consider "bastard" a rude word. Also Lee, thanks for using good English: it really offsets my way of writing. I'm I'm doing the best I can, "et si vous tes pas contents, c'est le mme prix!"

They aired the,"Please, don't do this at home" video. Astounding piece of work where you can see that these guys are willing to die for our entertainment (and a pay-check). And Powell complains about a little back ache! Gee.

Commercial break: "The Michael Jackson interview" tomorrow at nine. No, not the first one that created the scandal, the one filmed by Mr. Mike's crew that actually shows that he isn't a pedophile - out of this world madman, but in fact that he really is the human form of Love-A-Lot Bear from the hit TV show, The Care Bears.

WWE Rewind: HBK Sweet Chin Music'd Jeff Hardy a couple of weeks ago. I'm trying out new verbs.

Raw last week: HBK teams up with "heel a week/face the next" Jeff Hardy to beat the 2 Chris': Jericho and Tian. Nice to see a Big BossMan homage with the use of the ol' "handcuffed to the ropes trick". Christian is my favorite on the Raw side by far. Laugh out loud moment when he screamed "I'm a sexy beast" in the face of Michaels. Also, he was born on November 30th like me and Billy Idol, so he's gotta be a nice guy.

They aired a video on Y2J: He's the "Kingovzeworld". These 30 seconds clips are just astounding. They should be renewed more often though, but still the guys in the editing room are grade A employees.

(2) Tommy Dreamer beat Michael Shane at 4:10 with the "It's me, it's me, it's D-V... D!" (aka Death Valley Driver).

Coach & Lloyd actually billed this as a rematch! Coach talked about the fact that one day Scoot Andrews and Michael Shane talked with Spike Dudley about what it took to be a WWE Superstar, and where overheard by Dreamer. Dreamer didn't take well to that (why?) and decided to teach a lesson to Shane. Whatzehellwazzat? You mean this horrid squash has a back story but the show's main event doesn't? Some new proof that you won't see "Coach is God" signs anytime soon:

After a telegraphed top rope elbow drop by Michael Shane: Coach: "1812 called, they want their telegraph machine back" Lloyd: "Ahahaaaaa (maniacal laugh). That's good stuff there!" Coach: "I love saying that! Well you know, our producer Simon just yelled in my ear "Don't ever say that again." You know what I say? Shut up Simon! I'll say whatever I want" Lloyd: "Simon says!".

I swear all of this is true... sadly. Talking about sad:

They re-aired the Mr.Perfect tribute. In 100 seconds, I cried twice. How come all of my childhood heroes all die one by one? I never had anybody close to me ever die (yet), so every time this kind of tragedy happens in the wrestling world, it feels like I lost a friend. Also there's so many guys that deserve to die an atrocious pain in this business, that it's always unfair to see one of the "good guys" go.

Commercial break: Special Wild Thornberrys edition! UK is flooded with merchandise from that hit movie! You can play with Darwin in your KFC Kid's meal, or with Eliza in special packs of Wheetos. Now before you all head to the closest 7-11, remember these offers are UK only.

Raw last week: Scott Steiner & Booker T. beat Triple H & Batista. Hunter did the job! What?

A fabulous Scott Steiner clip aired. "Whisper something nice and I'll make you scream twice". He stole my catch-phrase. Actually no, I use the word "thrice" instead of "twice".

WWE Rewind: Vinnie MacMannequin announces Austin Vs Bisch' for NWO.

Raw last week: "Karate Chop" Bischoff Crane kicks JR and straightens up his face. "Bells Palsy 3:16"! Glad to see that Ralph Macchio will forever live in the psyche of everyone, thanks to the greatest movie of all time: The Karate Kid. Too bad we can't say the same for Billy Zabka... you know: Johnny! Don't worry, Debarge said it before you: "Who's Johnny?" You know, the blond bad guy in "Karate Kid". Ok, how's that: the blond bad guy from "Back to school". No? Still nothing. Anyway, Bischoff killed Ross.

Commercial break: "Just because the man's gone green, don't become so over-keen. You gotta stop and think to be: King of the road." Get it? Got it? Good.

(3) Steven Richards (with his main squeeze, Luna Vach... euh, WWE Women's champion Victoria) beat Maven at 5:38 with the Stevie-T.

For those who don't watch the week-end shows (ie: everyone one of YOU), you never see Steven Richards wrestling, so you never see the Stevie-T. I am now going to reveal what that new finisher is: a twisting top rope Moonsaulted Powerbomb, unbelievable finisher and the fact that this one isn't banned but the Vertebreaker is, is astounding! No seriously, it's just a double arm DDT. For those who were wondering if Victoria and Steven have an S&M relationship: no they do not. I believe Victoria is just paying back Steven who ordered one of his RTC fellows (I believe The Goodfather) to Powerbomb her through a table back when she was a Ho. By the way, even if Victoria is one of the worst actresses in WWE right now, she is also one of the hottest, and she seems to be the nicest in "real life" (send me an angel). I listened to her interview on "Byte This" a few months ago and her genuinely warm and nice giggle echoes in my mind every time I think of her - Ahhh - Also I'd like to personally slap around with a large trout everyone who criticized Steven's new attire. It' different, It's great, it suits him, it matches Vic's attire. What could possibly be wrong about it? So what it's pink? It's a good thing. You see he's supposed to be crazy, and remember what you learned in the Simpsons: where did Homer go when he was spotted wearing a pink shirt? That's right: the psychiatric ward. So it's all a tie-in. This pretty bad show ended with the best 30 seconds of this week in wrestling: During the match, Steven mistakenly bumped into Victoria, so after his victory he pleaded for her forgiveness. He was in her face screaming "I'm sorry" repeatedly with his mouth wide open. She pulled on his hair and she started twitching uncontrollably, and then forced him to kiss her on the forehead. But when he did, she pulled on his hair again! Unbelievable finish to a bad show.

Homo-erotic moment of the month: Steven's the kinda guy who can make anything look good, even shiny fuschia tights who doesn't hide much of his tight body. Owww, have mercy.

Next week won't come quick enough.


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