By Lee Stevens, PWTorch Specialist

In honor of WWE's Cyber Sunday, we've set up fictional text numbers to vote for this week's winners on Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. The cost of each text message is free, because it's not real. You don't need your parent's permission before calling, because it's not real. Don't text now, because it's not real. (That should take care of the legal side.)

I was genuinely surprised at the near-universal disappointment in the series premiere. I'm not going to defend the debut as world-class television, but I was surprised that anyone had high expectations of a show featuring Brian Knobs and Brutus Beefcake as "trainers." Knobs's signature move involved placing the opponents face in his armpit and Beefcake hit an opponent with his butt. If you'd like to vote for the trainers, please text STINKFACE to 123456.

We start this week by looking back at last week's results. Frank Stallone reminisces about the shots he took from Dennis Rodman and Team Nasty and Team Beefcake trade insults about which side was better. Specifically, Erin Murphy and Danny Bonaduce pick up their 40 year feud.

Bonaduce: "Bet 50 G's that I'm here after you."

Murphy: "How's your ex-wife, Danny."

Bonaduce: "Is that the ex-wife you said you didn't like last night?"

(Murphy wipes away the tears as the judges enter the room)

Murphy: "I wouldn't bet a penny."

Bonaduce: "That's because you don't have a penny."

Later, Bonaduce gives a bit of historical perspective on the classic child actor squabble: "I made her cry on Bewitched when I was 6. I've been making that girl cry my whole life."

To vote for Bonaduce, text 7THGRADEBULLY to 123456

Murphy continues to wipe away the tears while Bonaduce counts his newly found milk money.

Before we learn moves, we face our first challenge. The celebrities are challenged to jump from a crane 30 feet in the air to a stunt person's airbag. As Butterbean looms overhead, the airbag's manufacturer's are checking the safety specs and waiver forms. Brutus leads the way, although Knobs is conspicuous by his spot safely on the ground. Team Brutus succeeds and Team Nasty follows suit, except for Frank Stallone. Stallone brilliant claims that he's severely "agoraphobic" and the producers quickly dismiss that claim by reminding us that agoraphobia is the fear of large groups or public places. Stallone was actually looking for the word "acrophobia." Regardless, Stallone stands his ground, by standing on the ground. He refuses to budge from the crane and is the only person to not attempt the jump. Since they are all mature adults, they applaud his determination and conviction. Actually, most of the group joins in collective clucking. Beefcake has the best chicken imitation, although I don't think that's part of the judging tonight. To vote for the chicken, please text B-GAWK to 1234546.

The three moves which must be learned by the celebs are the Headlock Takedown, The School Boy and Shoulder Tackle. The judges demonstrated the moves, although not flawlessly. Beefcake hit the ropes and the ropes hit back causing a quick edit and near embarrassment. After they demonstrated 3 relatively simple moves, Knobs was clearly out of breath. To vote for ring rust, text OUTOFSHAPE to 123456.

Practice didn't bring incredible drama this week, although Bonaduce brought attention to himself by missing practice for work. He explained it in his usual gracious way: "I have a job. I have 3 families to feed." His arch-enemy Erin had her own problems in practice, especially with the headlock. Her attempted headlock with her partner looked like a drunken hook-up at a freshman mixer. Her excuse? Her neck was killing her. Her reaction? More crying. She wasn't the only one under the gun at practice. Stallone received more scorn from Knobs with his schoolboy attempt. "You got your own way of doing EVERYTHING. Right thigh!" When a large man with spikey hair criticizes your method of grabbing another man's thigh, you're having a bad day. Todd Bridges hit the ropes well and looked comfortable in practice and Nikki Ziering dropped her opponent with her version of a shoulder tackle. If you saw the same thing I did and believe she tackled with something other than her shoulder, please text DOUBLE-D'S to 362436.

As for the actual matches, Team Nasty had to make a last-minute change when Rodman hurt his shoulder while clotheslining Knobs from the second rope. Apparently Knobs hurt his ribs (two straight weeks that Rodman hurt someone) and Rodman hurt his rotator cuff. The switch meant that Rodman would be the manager and Stallone would be in the ring. While they make the adjustments, Team Beefcake walks to the ring. Trishelle and Danny face Bridges and Butterbean, with all 4 having their positive moments. Bridges and Bonaduce combine for one of the worst shoulder tackles in the history of shoulders and tackles, but otherwise, the match was solid. Bridges did finally lose the hat and we did see that he shares another bond with Hogan beyond this show. Hogan chooses the bandana for his matches, Bridges prefers the hat. Both share the same reason. To vote for their hairlines, text YOU'RENOTFOOLINGANYONE to 123456. Bonaduce and Trishelle get the pin with the schoolboy, but Butterbean gets the last word by tossing Bonaduce over the top rope after the bell.

Team Nasty counters with Murphy and Dustin Diamond versus Stallone and Nikki Ziering. Nikki looked no worse than some of the other Diva Search winners just after they won their titles and Diamond performed as the heel quite well. Stallone and Murphy continued their shaky performances from throughout the show, with Stallone having the excuse of changing roles so late in the day. Diamond and Murphy get the win in the match, but team Nasty gets the loss when it comes to the judges.

The judges correctly single out Diamond as safe, followed by Ziering. It comes down to Rodman, Stallone and Murphy and despite Hogan giving Stallone credit for stepping up and pitching in for an injured teammate, he gets the big boot and is told to get out of Hogan's ring. Stallone probably lost the moment he refused to jump from 30 feet above the airbag, but it appeared that Murphy should have been asked to quietly leave. I wouldn't be surprised if her time is quickly approaching.

As for next week's show, the contestants are challenged to come up with personas or characters. Keep in mind, they will be getting advice from a man who wrestled as "Zodiac," "The Booty Man," and "The Man With No Name." To vote for irony, please text to BROTHERBRUTI at 123456.

Lee Stevens follows CCW and believes that Jimmy Hart's hair color is real. He also takes a closer look at Monday Night Raw with "Under The Microscope." If you have any questions or comments for him, you can e-mail him at glstevens.torch@gmail.com.

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