By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
AUGUST 28, 2008
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q3]

-The show opened with a brief video feature saying that Sting is a master of psychological warfare, and now people want to know why Sting attacked Samoa Joe at Victory Road. "Now a new element has come into play," said the narrator as images of the guitar appeared. "Now for the first time an explanation for the actions of the Icon Sting. Sting Speaks!"

-They went to Lauren catching up with Sting in the parking garage. She eagerly told him that they've been waiting over a month to hear from him. He said the time is now and tonight is the night. I really question showing him in painters pants and a white t-shirt wearing sunglasses and no make-up on TV when his whole image is that of this mysterious, mystical, magical icon. Imagine if WWE showed Undertaker showing up in street clothes carrying his own suitcase? Talk about a mystique-buster.

-Mike Tenay and Don West introduced and previewed the show.

1 -- AWESOME KONG (w/Ryeesha Saeed) vs. SOUJOURNER BOLT (sp?)

Tenay said Bolt has wrestled all over the world, but is making her TNA debut. He said she asked for a toughest competition and TNA has delivered. She scored some early flying offense against Kong, but Kong barely seemed fazed and then shoved her to the floor and beat on her. Back in the ring Bolt leaped off the second rope, but Kong knocked her hard to the mat and finished her with an Awesome Bomb.

WINNER: Kong in 2:00.

-Afterward, Saeed helped Kong set up bolt for another Awesome Bomb on two chairs, but ODB made the save. She went after Saeed first and threw her to the floor. Kong and ODB then brawled. She gave Kong a big DDT off the ropes, then mounted her and pounded away. The ref tried to pull her off, but she easily shoved him away. Two referees tried, but that didn't work. ODB punched Kong's butt. That's probably not the most damaging line of attack. She was finally pulled away by several officials. Her t-shirt with two hands on her breasts could have a real niche market if merchandised.

-Jeremy Borash interviewed A.J. Styles backstage. He asked about the main event at No Surrender and facing Christian Cage. Styles said he's interested in anything that affects the World Title. He said they've gone from brothers to bitter enemies to getting along again. He said Christian is one of the best wrestlers in the world, and he knows he thinks the same about himself, so it'll be a heck of a fight. Borash then asked him about Sting being in the building. Styles got upset and said he's going to get back at Sting. He said after Sting says what he's going to say, he's going to stick his hand down his throat. Borash asked about the Gold Medal. Styles said he beat Kurt Angle twice for it, so it's his. "It's in good hands," he said. Borash asked, "But where is it?" Styles walked away. I like to see A.J. be A.J. now on promos. The early part of the interview talking briefly about his history with Christian was a nice ode to acknowledging the history of those two.

[Commercial Break]

[Q2]

-Another profile video aired on Consequences Creed. Terry Taylor and A.J. Styles talked about him. Taylor said Pacman Jones couldn't wrestle as scheduled, so they went with NWA Anarchy wrestler Creed. They aired a clip of Creed at an NWA Anarchy event being presented with the TNA contract. He said he was so excited he wanted to throw up, but once he walked through the tunnel of TNA, it's game time.

2 -- SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR & PETEY WILLIAMS (w/Rhaka Khan) vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED & BLACK MACHISMO

A clip aired of the latest incident last week where So Cal Val got knocked down by Machismo. West said Machismo has to concentrate on wrestling and do what he does best and worry about Val later. Rhaka yanked Creed off the ring apron, sending him face first into the edge of the ring. Petey gained the advantage at that point. Lethal got a hot tag at 4:00 and went after Petey. Bashir broke up the pin. Lethal double-DDT'd both second later. The crowd popped. He motioned for the top ropp elbow, but Bashir knocked him off the top. Bashir then climbed to the top as Petey set up a Canadian Destroyer. Creed shoved Bashir off the top rope right into Petey. Petey took offense, then Lethal rolled him up for the win. Referees had to separate Petey and Bashir afterward. Is this a babyface turn for Petey? What happens to Rhaka Khan if that's the case?

WINNERS: Creed & Lethal in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *

-Lauren interviewed ODB, who was carrying a flask. ODB slapped Lauren's ass and said, "I'm One Dirty Bitch... Half the time I don't know I'm saying or doing." She said she doesn't sweat Kong and thiz zoo isn't big enough for the both of them. She spread her legs and grabbed her crotch and said, "The ODB Saloon is wide open and we're serving up some beer, broads, and booze. Bam!" That was pretty much crossing the line of crudeness. Man! She still has some timing and delivery issues on her promos where she seems to be rushing through her lines and sound like she's reciting cliches rather than speaking from the heart (or perhaps elsewhere, in her case?). She's still a compelling and unique character and a valuable part of TNA's Knockouts Division

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-Karen interviewed Abyss. He said his name is Chris Parks, not Abyss. He said he wants to make himself more comfortable. He tipped over the coffee table and sat on the floor, rocking back and forth. She asked about his stay at the mental institution. He said it's not a mental institution, it's his home. He said they fed and clothed him. He said he learned that Abyss is a destructive, menacing force that destroys people. He said they taught him that he is a good person. He said Chris is a good person and is always trying to come out. He said he doesn't know what the future holds for Abyss or Chris, but they are now one. He said he wants to wrestle and challenged anyone to face him because he's rehabilitated now. He laughed maniacally. He said he has one question for Karen. He stood up and sat next to her. She cowered in fear. He asked her shat she likes in a man. He snarled and asked if she likes that. She winced and shrieked in fear. He read her a poem: "Your skin is golden, your eyes are brown, I will take you with me, you can't make a sound. Not a cry, not a whisper, not even a peep, like a pool of blood - a lot of blood - my love is so deep. Oh Miss Angle, I can be your Teddy Bear, but just for now, accept this gift." He then began pulling out his hair and handed it to her. She gagged as she held it. He walked away. Tenay said: "Some interesting comments, explanations, and even actions from Abyss including his issuing that open challenge. Now let's send it to Lauren." That may have been the most disconnected and emotionless and unnecessary statement Tenay ever read on Impact.

-They went to Kip James and The Beautiful People giving Lauren a chaotic makeover. She said she had enough and handed the mic to Velvet Sky and left. She said they're the Beautiful People "and we are better than you, but don't take it personally, because we're better than everyone." She said they're the ones all girls wants to be like and all boys want to be with. Angelina Love said what they are is what they will never have or be. She told Taylor Wilde she will take her belt at No Surrender. She said the belt will look great around her itty bitty tiny tight waist. She vowed to pin Taylor's "cottage cheese ass."

[Commercial Break]

-Borash interviewed Kurt Angle and Frank Trigg backstage. Angle took exception with Borash calling Angle a "former Olympic Gold Medalist." Borash gulped. He said his medal can never be taken away. He said A.J. beat him by hitting him over the head with a guitar twice. He said he hopes he shows up tonight so he can whip his ass. He said he won't rest until he gets the gold back. Borash said A.J. told him he doesn't have his medal anymore, but he said it's in good hands. Trigg told Angle to worry about Nash and nothing else. That's right, there's a match between Angle and Nash that they've done almost nothing to set up or promote at this point. It's only a rare singles TV match for Nash and the first singles match between those two long-time main event veterans, so why not just throw it on TV and treat it like just another TV match.

3 -- CURRY MAN vs. JIMMY RAVE (w/Christy Hemme)

Tenay insisted that Curry Man's personality and energy is infectious and we "must get on our feed." Curry attacked Rave at the bell. Curry helped Christy to the floor as she got in his face. That gave Rave the distraction he needed to get control of the match. Curry gave Rave a backbreaker and then finished him with the Spice Rack.

WINNER: Curry Man in 2:00.

[Q4]

-Afterward Christy slapped Curry and challenged him to come after her. Curry raised his hand. Lance Rock charged into the ring. Curry turned to him. Christy low-blowed Rock. Rock and Rave began double-teaming him. Super Eric and Shark Boy made the save and cleared the ring.

-Lauren interviewed Jim Cornette backstage. He said if Christy wants to put herself in a wrestler's position, he can make her happy. He booked Rock & Rave & Christy vs. Curry & Eric & Shark. Traci Brooks entered and Cornette told her he decided to take her up on her offer to be his assistant. She celebrated and hugged him. He said no public displays of affection on camera. He said he has so many videos and resumes to watch. He said there's 700 Knockout applications already. He said the ones he's already got are driving him "as crazy as a rainbow trout in a car wash." He said he needs somebody who speaks their language. He said she is "obviously female." He said she's going to keep law and order in the Knockout dressing room. He said he doesn't care how she does it, use her own methods, "plausible deniability on my part." He said, "Wrestlers are products. Wrestlers have a shelf life." Then came tired jokes about her boobs bouncing up and down in excitement (Cornette: "You'll never drown.") Lauren asked Traci what Cornette meant by women having a shelf life. Traci said she might find out. This played out like a MAD TV skit in a bad way. The idea itself of Traci being in charge of the Knockouts Division has some potential, though.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay threw to Booker T's locker room where a group was gathering to watch Sting's interview later. Borash sat on the couch and asked him about his upcoming match at No Surrender for the TNA World Title. Booker told "Jeremiah" it was a great night for them last week and will be at the PPV. Team 3D began arguing over which luxurious leopard print jacket to wear. Booker yelled at the to sit down and be respectful. Ray spilled a drink in Sharmell's lap.

-Tenay and West promoted the Nash vs. Angle and Roxxi & Taylor vs. The Beautiful People matches.

-Borash interviewed Nash - who has never won a match on TNA Impact - that he was facing Angle for a shot to enter the PPV main event. Nash said he called in a favor, with a nice reference to the favor he did Jim Cornette by clearing some people out of Cornette's office, and he told Cornette he wanted in. Nash said this isn't about winning the title. He said this is about watching Samoa Joe's back at No Surrender. He said Joe is preoccupied with the Sting situation. He said if Joe isn't on his game at No Surrender, then he will shift priorities and go after the World Title again. He patted Borash on the shoulder and walked away.

[Commercial Break]

[Q5]

4 -- KURT ANGLE vs. KEVIN NASH -- Four Ways to Glory Qualifier

Angle came out first. Samoa Joe was sitting ringside with Tenay and West. Joe said anyone who wants a piece of him can come get some. He predicted he'll remain champion at No Surrender. Tenay asked Joe if he's rooting for his mentor, Nash, and added it'd be great to have Nash to watch his back at No Surrender. Joe said when you're champion, you can't really count on anyone to watch your back. He said he's no. 1 right now and Nash has never been good at being no. 2. Angle bailed out as Nash entered the ring. Tenay asked Joe about Nash saying he was looking for him all day, but he couldn't find him because he was searching for Sting. Joe said Nash knew where he was - he was in the rafters. He said if he really had his back, he'd have been with him watching his back. Tenay asked if his temper is his weakness. Joe said his anger works for him. When Tenay restated what Joe said (which he often does for no reason), Joe said he's pretty sure he didn't stutter. A lot of this exchange sounded stiff and scripted due to both how it was scripted and how it was delivered. Nash opened up against Angle with some punches and bodyslammed him. When he dropped an elbow, Angle moved. Joe said Nash is the best power guy who can kick teeth in, but Angle is the best technical wrestler. Nash came back with a backbreaker for a two count. Tenay said he's setting Angle up for a powerbomb. Nash took Angle into the corner and dropped him with an elbow. Joe said some people doubt whether Nash has much left in the tank, but he's showing him a lot tonight. At 2:00 they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Angle worked over Nash's legs after the break including a figure-four. Nash rolled over to reverse it and then grasped the ropes to force a break at 7:00. Then he hit a big sideslam to neutralize Angle. Both men were slow to get up.

[Q6]

Nash shoulder tackled Angle for a two count at 8:00 for a two count, then clotheslined him to the floor. Angle crawled over to the announce table. He slapped Joe in the face and told him to keep his eyes on him. That was out of nowhere. Nash gave Angle a big boot to the face. Joe stood up and walked to ringside. Nash set up a Jackknife. Angle gave Nash a low-blow from behind. Angle hit the Olympic Slam for the win.

WINNER: Angle in 10:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Decent action. Nash worked within what he can do with the standing punches and elbows and some power moves (he even left his feet for a shoulder tackle!). The match didn't overstay its welcome, but it also wasn't designed to be an epic match, as it mainly existed to lead to the slap and the distraction to build tension between Joe and Nash.

-Angle slipped out of the ring afterward. Joe paced behind Nash as he got to his feet. Joe asked him what that was all about. Joe told Nash to practice what he preaches, saying he let his temper get the best of him. I don't get what Joe did to set off Nash from Nash's perspective. Just that Joe didn't make enough eye contact with him at ringside? Nash left the ring with his head hanging.

-A video package aired on "the guitar." It showed lots of guitar shots by Jeff Jarrett, but also several others. The narrator talked of guitars mysteriously appearing in recent weeks. After closing with a clip of Styles using a guitar to beat Angle last week, they went back to Tenay and West. Tenay said for weeks the wrestling world has been "speculating on who is the individual who is behind the mystery of the guitar." West said everywhere they go - hotels, airports, restaurants - and they want to talk about the guitar mystery. That's just not believable. Sorry. They threw to another video, this one on Jeff Jarrett. The screen said he was "the heart of TNA from day one." Jarrett talked about the early days of TNA and his decision to walk away from the ring on Oct. 22, 2006. He talked about "carrying the company on his back" in the early years (nothing personal everyone else who worked the same shows). Then they went to the coverage of his wife Jill's death from cancer. The graphic then asked, "What's next for the King of the Mountain?" Gee, the announcers aren't allowed to state the obvious by mentioning Jarrett's name when speculating about the guitar, but they can air a video package on Jarrett right after Tenay and West talk about what a big mystery the guitar situation is? Odd.

[Commercial Break]

[Q7]

-Lauren interviewed So Cal Val backstage. She asked about her getting hit last week. Lauren asked where this situation from here. She said due to the foolishness of Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt, she got hit. She said they can kill themselves over her if they wish. She said she's going to hang the engagement ring over the ring and the first person to get to it gets her. She said, "There's no other way." Yeah, because picking one of them or neither of them isn't an option. She handed Lauren the ring and stormed away.

-A vignette aired on the TNA Knockouts. In an instance of bad timing, Gail Kim was part of the video and part of narrating it. Otherwise, good little segment to tout the division.

5 -- THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/Kip James) vs. ROXXI & TAYLOR WILDE

After early offense by Roxxi and Taylor, Love hit Taylor with Kip's make-up kit (he carried one around now) as the ref was distracted by Sky. Sky took over offense from there. They cut to a break at 4:00.

[Commercial Break]

Roxxi and Taylor regained offense after the break. Four-way action broke out at 7:00. Kip gave Sky a bottle to spray Roxxi in the face. Love kicked the blinded, gasping-for-air Roxxi in the face and scored the pin.

WINNERS: Beautiful People in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4

[Q8]

-Afterward Kip put the brown paper bag over the heads of Love and Sky afterward. Taylor made the save and slapped Kip. The BP attacked Taylor. Kip went back to his make-up box and pulled out scissors. He threatened to cut Taylor's hair. Rhino made the save and the heel trio bailed out. Kip is good in this role, but it still seems odd they haven't done more with him of substance before this. If he's worth having on payroll, test his limits. Kip is also red-flag hugely muscular at this point.

[Commercial Break]

-Sting made his entrance wearing his facepaint and robe carrying a baseball bat. He said a few months ago he had a long, in-depth interview with Tenay. He said one of the questions regarded whether he was considering retirement. He said he considered it, but he wondered what it would mean if he turned things over to the next generation. He said he knew the answer to that question, but he couldn't let it happen. He said it would be a grave mistake. He said they would spit in the face of it, just like they spit in his face.

He said at Victory Road, Joe could have taken the 1-2-3 at Victory Road and walked away, but he wanted to bloody his opponent, "a jewel in pro wrestling." He said Booker is a legend in the business. Some fans cheered. He said he involved himself in the match because he wanted to help him and reason with him. He said he saw him as someone who could carry the torch for the company, but he rejected everything he said and flipped him off. He said that is no way to show respect for someone who paved the way for him to have a job.

He said when he was his age, a young Ric Flair took him under his wing because he believed in him the way he now believes in Joe. He said he respected what Flair had to say. He said he respected all of the older wrestlers because without them, he couldn't be a wrestler. He said then there's Styles who one day is calling him Mr. Sting and the next a coward. He said Styles is wrong when he claims Sting owes him something. Sting said he paved the way for him, so he owes him nothing. Sting finally paused after saying all of that without a period or a breath (like Al Gore at the Dem Convention a couple hours earlier). He said Styles should be thanking him every month when he pays his mortgage because it's because of him. He said there are a whole lot of the guys in the back who are spoiled rotten brats. He said not all, but most. He said one way or another, he is going to bring respect back into this business where it belongs even if he has to be the parent nobody wants to listen to or the babysitter. "If you think I'm wrong, you come and tell me to my face," he said.

Tenay said it's been a time of reflection for Sting. He began, as usual, needlessly restating what Sting just said. Styles entered the ring and told Sting, "You're wrong. You're dead wrong." He said he looked up to him and idolized him, but he never disrespected him ever and you know it." He asked Sting who helped get the company started. Sting said he wanted to help him, too, because he saw he and Joe as the future of the business. Sting said you can't respect someone and call them a coward all in one breath. He asked him what he did at Hard Justice to his opponent. He said he took things a step further than he had to. He said he could have scored the pin and walked away. He said Angle is a World Champion in WWE and TNA and an Olympic Gold Medalist. He said Styles may disagree with him and might have a problem with his tone. He said he's going to take his bat and put it in his hand and turn his back and let him hit him over the head. (Do it!) Styles stared at the bat, then grabbed it. Sting turned his back. He shoved him when he paused. Styles turned Sting and took a swing. Sting blocked it, kicked him in the gut, and gave him a Scorpion Death Drop.

Jeff Jarrett's music played. Sting stood over smiles and laughed. Tenay said it's obvious to him Sting isn't the only who is playing mind games. That's where it ended.

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