TV REPORTS CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 7/31: Joe shouts, screams, and hollers his way through fruitless show
Aug 1, 2008 - 1:53:08 AM
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By James Caldwell, PWTorch columnist
TNA Impact on Spike TV
July 31, 2008
Taped July 28 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist
The show started with King Booker and Sharmell backstage with Jeremy Borash. Booker said tonight will be a very special night because he will give Samoa Joe a personal tour of his six sides of steel. Booker said a very special person will be in the ring as well. Borash asked if it's Sting, but Booker only huffed and puffed. Booker and Sharmell sipped some champagne, then gave Borash the boot. Booker toasted to tonight, then he took a wild swig of alcohol.
Impact intro: Clips from the upcoming video game served as the TV show intro.
In-ring: Beer Money started things off for a #1 Contenders match for the TNA Tag Titles. Rhino and Christian Cage were the second team out.
1 -- BEER MONEY (ROBERT ROODE & JAMES STORM w/Jacqueline Moore) vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE & RHINO -- #1 Contender's match
Basic exchange to start things off and set the table. Heels took advantage for a second, then an even exchange to lead into commercial.
Christian took a hot tag at 8:00 and wanted a frog splash on Storm, but Brother Ray came to ringside to run interference. Christian took him out with a splash, then Rhino smashed Johnny Devine. Rhino smashed Storm with a Gore for the pin, but the ref was yanked out of the ring. Brother Devon became involved, but Miss Jackie got involved. More stupidity ensued with interference and ridiculousness until Rhino took a 3D in the ring. Storm then rolled over and draped an arm over Rhino for the win.
WINNERS: Beer Money in 10:00. Just a ridiculous, classically over-done TNA TV match. (n/a)
Post-match: Christian took the mic afterward and said it's over. He said he's tired of Team 3D screwing around with them, so how about a New Jersey street fight at the Hard Justice PPV? Tenay asked if 3D will sign a contract for the match.
Backstage: Lauren brought in Christy, Rave, and Hoyt for an incoherent promo. Christy called Lauren a rat, then she rambled on about living out the gimmick. Rock 'n Rave are like that one kid in the "Superstar" movie with Molly Shannon who pretends to be high or drunk just to act cool, but everyone rolls their eyes at him because he's an idiot.
2 -- JOHNNY DEVINE & LANCE HOYT & JIMMY RAVE (w/Christy Hemme) vs. CURRY MAN & SHARK BOY & BLACK MACHISMO JAY LETHAL (w/So Cal Val)
They're doing video game ring entrances for some of the wrestlers and it's becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference between the video game and the actual wrestlers. Not because the video game graphics are so tight, but because this show is just a cartoon/comic book/video game. Christy became involved and Curry played air guitar on her stomach. After Shark Boy took out Hoyt and Rave on the floor, Lethal won it with the Lethal Combination on Devine.
Post-match: Lethal took the mic and welcomed Val into the ring. He went down on one knee to pop the question again, but Val didn't have the engagement ring on. She said she must have lost it or something. Lethal snapped and said she must not have even wanted to marry him in the first place. He left the ring in a huff as usual.
WINNERS: Team Lethal in 4:00. Post-match took precedence as usual. Not much here, just building to Lethal vs. Dutt at the PPV. (1/2*)
Backstage: Borash was with some guy named Brian Smith from CMT. No, not Hulk Hogan. Suddenly, Super Eric interrupted to strike up a conversation with himself. He said they must find the ring to save the marriage between Val and Lethal. He flew away. There are no words.
Garage: Borash caught up with TNA champion Samoa Joe to discuss Booker's invite earlier. Of course, Joe snapped and yelled and screamed and huffed about leaving the cage after beating up Booker and whoever the third person is inside the cage. "Hey, uh, Joe, your shoelace is untied." ... "What? You dare challenge me on my skills tying a shoe?! There will pain and blood and only one shoelace will be left standing when I'm done bringing terror upon you."
Video package: They focused on Joe vs. Booker at Hard Justice inside in the cage. ... Announcers: Tenay and West demanded answers from Sting.
Backstage: More Borash, this time with Kevin Nash. Nash slowly walked over to Joe, who was ready to scream and yell and rant and rave about Booker. Nash was completely exasperated. Joe said he was looking Booker in the eyes - in the eyes, man! - when he got smacked in the back last week. Nash said if they're going to war, they need a plan. Joe agreed they'll do it Nash's way.
Steel Cage: Booker entered the ring with weapons hanging on the six sides of steel. Booker said these are weapons that will - and I quote - "hurt a man real bad." That was unintentionally hilarious. Booker extended the invitation to Joe, but Joe needs to know he da man up in here. Joe's music hit, then TNA security escorted Joe to the ringside area. Joe warned Booker that if he gets in the cage, Booker is taking a whooping. Joe approached the cage door, then entered. Booker said he figured Joe wouldn't have any backup.
Joe then whipped out a weapon to scare Booker while Nash slowly walked to ringside to block Booker's exit from the cage. Booker laughed it up, then Joe snapped on Booker with right hands. Joe took it to Booker, then Sharmell cautiously approached the cage. Nash held her back while Joe just continued to wail on Booker. Suddenly, a baseball bat came down from the rafters and Booker grabbed it. He laid out Joe from behind and the announcers accused Sting of being the man behind this. This is just like the old NWO angle when "WCW" accused Sting of siding with NWO before he showed his true colors and spent 1 1/2 years chasing Hogan. Unfortunately, this isn't 1996 anymore.
Video package: Daivari narrated clips of homelessness and poverty in his community. He accused society of running from their problems. Daivari said an example needs to be made.
Cage: A.J. Styles helped Joe recover, then Styles addressed Sting. He wants to know what's going on with Sting. Styles wanted to know how Sting's bat keeps knocking out Samoa Joe. Styles shouted about Sting hiding and possibly feeling guilty about something. He called Sting a coward, then the lights went off and Sting's music hit. Lights came back on and Kurt Angle was in the ring to give Styles an Olympic Slam. He followed with another Olympic Slam. And a third one for good measure.
Backstage: Borash was with Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, Shark Boy, and Curry Man. Shark Boy called Velvet an ignorant slut, then he demanded Val's ring back. He wanted a full-body cavity search, but Curry interrupted and did his Japanese accent to apologize on behalf of Shark Boy. The cartoons left, then Angelina and Velvet discussed tonight's tag match tonight. They decided that "she" is ready. Borash couldn't get the answer on who "she" is.
Backstage: Lauren brought in Petey Williams and Steiner's freak to discuss evil villains from cartoons. He ripped on Consequences Creed, then said Creed hasn't done anything to be taken seriously in wrestling. Apparently Creed is the #1 Contender to the X Division Title.
3 -- CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. X Division champion PETEY WILLIAMS (w/Rhaka Khan) -- non-title match
Hermie Sadler was at the broadcast position to comment on the match and stretch some NASCAR analogies into a wrestling context. It's never a good sign when the referee appears to be larger than the wrestlers in the ring. Creed laid out Petey in center ring, but Creed missed with a top rope leg drop. Petey tried to follow with the Destroyer, but Creed blocked and rolled him up with a sunset pin for the win.
WINNER: Creed in 4:00.
Backstage: Shark and Curry went to LAX accusing them of taking the ring. Salinas told Shark that he took his beef to the wrong part of town. Shark made a threat, but Curry calmed him down and cut a promo about his gang knowledge from the streets of Tokyo. Eric Young saved them from a whooping from Homicide, and they left to analyze a break in the case.
Announcers: Jim Cornette joined Tenay and West to discuss the Hard Justice PPV. They've added Styles vs. Angle...again...in a Last Man Standing match. Cornette said they hopefully find out where Sting stands at the PPV.
Karen's Angle: Part 2 picked up with Karen interviewing Kaz about returning to TNA in 2006. Kaz played up the undercard card, then he discussed the loss in Ultimate X at Victory Road. Karen said it was a team, though, not just Kaz out there. He said he wanted to make this call in the Impact Zone, but as of the end of the interview, he is no longer on the TNA roster. Kaz said he made the choice to walk away, so now he has to see what's out there for him. Karen said she's sorry he made that decision, and Kaz will be greatly missed. Lots of quick editing here to give it the wrong vibe.
Post-Karen's Angle footage: The cameras kept rolling after Kaz left, leading to Tomko hopping on the set to verbally attacked Karen. He then cut off the camera.
Backstage: Lauren brought in Kevin Nash for another interview. Way too many non-wrestling segments on this show. Joe then interrupted holding his neck in pain. He ranted and raved about breaking every bone in Sting's body. Nash could only shake his head in frustration.
4 -- MATT MORGAN vs. SAL RINAURO
Sal was sporting an outfit that consisted of one pant leg and one cut-off leg. Memorable, but ridiculous fashion choice. Morgan squashed Rinauro with vertical suplex into a swinging slam - the Hellevator - for the easy win. Don West said Rinauro just joined the mile high club. That's just wrong.
WINNER: Morgan in 1:00. Squash. (n/a)
Post-match: Morgan took the mic and excitedly addressed Tomko to show up and fight him. Morgan suddenly had a revelation that Tomko's head is so far up Angle's ass that he probably can't hear him. Tomko had enough and just shook his head walking out to the ring. Tomko laughed, then he piefaced Morgan. Security intervened to hold them back, but there was of course the standard break-away-attack-pull-back-break-away-attack sequence until Morgan landed a running bicycle kick on Tomko. He gave him the Hellevator for good measure.
Backstage: Another segment involving Borash, who brought in Young, Shark, and Curry. They were looking at some footage from last week that might reveal Dutt stole Val's ring. Shark and Curry nearly came to blows, but Young calmed them down and said they would figure this out next week.
Backstage: Borash was with Team 3D and Beer Money to talk. Ray realized something - they're all scumbags. Ray said Christian & Rhino will get theirs next week, as well as LAX in an eight-man tag. Ray said somebody is going through a table. Everyone threw out their catchphrases, then Ray went in close and suggested a glass table could become involved.
Rough Cut: Taylor Wilde was profiled about being an underdog. Bill DeMott was phone interviewed about Taylor's Knockouts Title victory. ODB said she didn't like it to see the monster, Awesome Kong, pinned with a roll up. Angelina said everyone's jaws were on the floor when Taylor won. Traci said Taylor has a target on her back. Thank goodness for ODB to keep it real.
In-ring: Angelina and Velvet came to the ring for the TV main event. They recapped Taylor's successful title defenses last week, then Gail Kim bounced to the ring prior to Taylor Wilde's entrance.
5 -- ANGELINA LOVE & VELVET SKY vs. GAIL KIM & Knockouts champion TAYLOR WILDE
Heels were in control as they prepared to take a break. Prior to going to break, they showed Samoa Joe climbing a flight of stairs leading to the rafters to hopefully get a word with Sting.
Action broke down after the break with all four women becoming involved in the action. Heels tried to double-team Taylor in the ring, but she rolled up Velvet with a sunset flip with the help of a dropkick from Gail. Taylor scored the pin on Velvet for the win.
Post-match: Angelina and Velvet jumped the champ for another beat down attempt, but Gail made the save. Suddenly, Awesome Kong stormed the ring as the "surprise" third person. She knocked around Gail, then Taylor and landed a double clothesline. Gail took an Awesome Bomb, then Taylor was lined up and given the Bomb. ODB, dressed as a hobo, then stormed the ring and stared down Kong. Roxxi even tried to join the action with steel chair in hand. Kong then backed away from the bum and bald girl. Suddenly, Traci Brooks showed up on the entrance ramp to survey the scene.
WINNERS: Gail & Taylor in 7:00. Post-match took precedence over the match, which was OK, but it didn't feel like anything special to warrant a main event slot. Just a run-of-the-mill knockouts segment.
Rafters: They showed Samoa Joe screaming in search of Sting. The camera then spotted a crow sitting on a perch as they ended the show.
We welcome your 1-10 score and comments on this show for an "Impact Reax" feature in the Torch Feedback section of PWTorch.com. To contribute your thoughts on Impact, click here.
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