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7/17 Impact Review by Wilkenfeld: A fairly dull Impact tells us to look forward to a rerun of Victory Road next month
Jul 17, 2008 - 11:05:48 PM |
By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: After weeks of solid build-up, Samoa Joe and Booker T surprised no one on Sunday by failing to have a great blow-off match. They did surprise everyone by failing to have a match at all, as for some as yet undisclosed reason the referees stopped caring about the bout halfway through, and Sting decided that the better part of valor for Joe was to stop caring about the match as well. In all fairness, since the X Division champion wasn't even on the show, I guess it's only fair that no one care about the heavyweight title either. Anyway, Booker, apparently being the only one to remember that there was a match going on, covered Samoa Joe as Sharmell made the three count. Booker is now in possession of the title belt, despite never having won it. Also, Team Mexico won the World X Cup, and Sonjay Dutt picked up the upset win over Jay Lethal when a conflicted SoCal Val asked Lethal to go easy on him.
…
[For the second time in four weeks, I didn't get the beginning of the show. In defense of the cable company though, this week was in fact entirely my fault. Apparently, in the first 37 minutes Cornette informed Booker that he wasn't the champ and booked a rematch for Hard Justice. Joe told Booker he could hang on to the belt till he beats him at the PPV. Super Eric had a secret meeting with Shark Boy & Curry Man about cleaning up the filth in TNA (I miss Right to Censor). Angle arrived with Team 3D, all in Sting masks. Joe started to doubt whether he could beat Booker, and Nash tried to perk him up. Beer Money went on a belting frenzy. Petey Williams successfully defended his title against Kaz.]
(2) MATT MORGAN defeats JIMMY RAVE
I'm going to trust that this match would make more sense if I'd seen the start of the show. Morgan comes out to a variant of "Click Click Boom" by Saliva, and in the time it took to type that Morgan won with a sort of lifting Rock Bottom.
Christy Hemme had run to the back during the match, and the newly rechristened "Lance Rock" is down. He cuts a short promo to the effect that if you want to mess with the band, you have to start with the man on lead guitar, which is him. I don't know why Lance never got the push he was in line for a while back, or why they'd change one of the two names the audience enjoys chanting for no good reason (ODB being the other).
(3) MATT MORGAN defeats LANCE ROCK
Rock goes for a Cross Body Block, but Morgan catches him and nails a Fall Away Slam. He hoists up Rock on his shoulders, but Christy gets up on the apron and creates enough of a distraction for Lance to slip out. He kicks Morgan to the mat, but whiffs on the attempted Moonsault and eats a Big Boot from Morgan. The Impact Zone rallies slightly for Morgan as he puts Rock away with that same finisher, which on closer inspection seems to be a Delayed Vertical Suplex into a Rock Bottom.
JB is in the back with Jim Cornette and the knockouts. The women are unhappy about something, so Cornette demands a spokeswoman. Gail Kim steps up, which just creates more turmoil. Traci eventually quiets everyone down. Cornette says he can just read their minds, since he can read at higher than a first grade level. They know there's a new champ, and they all think they can beat her cause she hasn't paid her dues. There can only be one challenger though, so they're going to have a 10-woman gauntlet later in the show, with the winner getting Taylor next week for the title. After the other women leave, Traci hangs back. She reminds Cornette of her offer, and says that it looks like he should take her up on that. If they've said what the offer is, I missed it, but I assume he needs an enforcer among the women?
[Commercial Break]
Karen Angle is debuting a new talk show segment next week. It's good to find out what her job is.
Beer Money beats up random Universal Studios security guards as Not-Crystal begs them to stay away from the fans.
Angle appears on the ramp along with Team 3D, all wearing Sting masks, sporting baseball bats and trench coats, and whoo-ing to the crowd.
[Commercial Break]
Angle and Team 3D have lifted the masks to cut a promo. Angle says that they're out there not just to celebrate their big victory at the PPV, but also to welcome Sting to their "fraternity". They said it was impossible, but in wrestling anything can happen. After twenty years of kissing babies and whoo-ing like an idiot, at Victory Road he finally revealed his true self with one swing of the bat. Now everyone wants to know why, but it's simple—Sting is ticked off and he's not going to take it anymore. He's been busting his ass for years, only to be disrespected by the fans and young punks. And if we think Angle's joking, he knows all this cause he spoke to Sting just last night. AJ Styles, Rhino, and Christian appear on the ramp, and AJ's not buying any of it. He doesn't know why Sting did what he did, but he trusts him, and knows he had his reasons. Eventually he'll let us know what they were, but in the meantime, we're not here to talk about Sting. We're here to talk about three morons in the ring, because…well, we don't know why, cause Brother Ray cuts him off before he can say. Ray figures they want a rematch. He tells AJ he's just a kid, call's Rhino an idiot, and says Christian's ego is bigger than Awesome Kong's toilet. The crowd starts a massive "Instant Classic" chant. Ray says that if they want a rematch, they can have a tables match at Hard Justice. Cage tells "Silent Bob" that he's in no position to give orders about what sort of match they'll have. The only time people take his orders seriously is at the drive-thru. Christian says the match won't be at Hard Justice, it'll be next week, and it won't just be a table match, it'll be a five-table-elimination match. I wonder what happens if they use two tables at once? The crowd chants for the tables, and Ray yells at them, cause that's what they're supposed to chant for Team 3D. Cage says he hopes Team 3D and Angle spend the next week putting themselves over, so they feel good right up to the moment they hear the words "Rhino…get the tables!"
They hype the women's gauntlet. I assume that means it's the main event, but apparently it's up now.
(4) VELVET SKY defeats ROXXI LEVEAUX, GAIL KIM, JACQUELINE, ODB, ANGELINA LOVE, TRACI, SALINAS, RHAKA KHAN, and CHRISTY HEMME
Gail Kim and Jacqueline start things off. They trade forearms till Kim takes control with a Twisting Head Scissors. Kim goes for her finisher, which is odd in an over-the-top-rope context. Jacqueline locks in an Arm Bar as Angelina Love hits the ring. She shoves Jacqueline out of the way to get a shot at Kim, but Ms. Jackie doesn't like that any. They start shoving each other in the middle of the ring, so they don't notice Kim taking them both down with a Double Clothesline. Angelina gets up and takes Kim down with a Spinning Wheel Kick just in time for Salinas to come down. She pairs off with Love as Kim and Jacqueline fight in the corner. Kim almost gets Jacqueline out, but she uses her legs to cling to Kim's head. Velvet Sky comes down and immediately goes to help her partner. They double-team Salinas for a minute, at which point Roxxi comes down. Roxxi goes right after The Beautiful People as the crowd comes alive for her. She goes for a Voodoo Drop on Salinas, but it's countered into a Face Plant. The Beautiful People toss Salinas as she gets up. Rhaka Khan is out, and immediately dominates. She knocks down Leveaux and Kim as Traci comes out. The Beautiful People try to attack her as she gets into the ring, but she fights through. Khan powers her into the corner, but Traci knocks her back and yanks her down by the hair. Christy Hemme's out, and she tries to pick off Gail Kim. The crowd chants for ODB, and here she is. She hits the booze to the face of Christy and knocks around the Beautiful People a bit.
[Commercial Break]
There were three eliminations during the break? Rhaka Khan, Christy Hemme, and Traci are all gone, and Jacqueline tosses ODB just as we get back. Roxxi tries to toss Ms. Jackie in turn, but she Skins the Cat, catches Roxxi between her legs, and pulls her out over the top. Roxxi, in a fine show of sportsmanship, pulls Jacqueline out after her, and we're down to Gail Kim and The Beautiful People. Sky & Love gain the quick advantage, but Kim keeps trying to fight through. Sky holds her up, but when Love goes for a kick Kim ducks and Sky eats it. Kim and Love trade shots in the middle of the ring. Love goes for Lights Out, but Kim reverses it with a few elbows and hits a Backstabber. She shoves Love out to the apron, but Love pulls her out with her. They fight on the apron for a second, till Kim gets the better of it and knocks Love off. She rolls back into the ring, but keeps watching Love, which allows Sky to nail a School Girl for the win. That was not a result I expected. I guess they're saving Angelina Love for the PPV? Velvet Sky seems more surprised than I am.
JB is in Booker's dressing room with Booker and Sharmell. He says that Booker's been given permission to pick his opponent tonight. Booker is looking though a TNA face-book, and his eye catches Consequences Creed. Just like Apollo Creed gave the unknown Rocky a title shot, Booker will be giving the unknown Creed a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship. He dials 9-1-1 on his cell and asks for an ambulance to be stationed outside the Impact Zone, cause tonight there's going to be a Stretcher Match.
[Commercial Break]
JB is in the back with Jay Lethal and SoCal Val, and he wants to know where this all ends. Lethal says it ends when he says it does, cause the guru brought this all on himself. Val asks what Jay expects Sonjay to do, since he has feelings for her. Lethal says he wants him to make a left at the fork and get the hell off the road. Val says that he's being way too hard on Sonjay, than walks off. Lethal goes to follow her.
I think I have to repeat this comment by Don West verbatim. Commenting on SoCal Val's sympathy for Sonjay:
West: Well, think about it, it's just like a woman. I mean, it doesn't matter how creepy the guy is or how weird he's acting. If they're infatuated with 'em then obviously they're going to be concerned at some point. It's the flattery thing, If Lethal takes him out he won't have feelings for her anymore. I don't know. I can't figure women out. I've been married to one for seventeen years and I can't figure them out.
Tenay (in a nice cover?): It sounds like there's personal problems in the diatribe of Don West.
(5) SONJAY DUTT defeats JOHNNY DEVINE and ERIC YOUNG
Devine and Dutt double-team EY to start, but when they go to hug Sonjay goes for a Small Package and gets two. Dutt apologizes, but as soon as he turns his back Devine rolls him up with a School Boy for two. Young tosses Dutt from the ring, and takes a High Knee from Devine for two more. Devine tries to follow up with a Springboard Moonsault, but Young gets up the knees. EY hits a Polish Hammer and a 360-Degree Clothesline. Sonjay tries to get back into the ring, but Young knocks him down. He goes for the Wheelbarrow Cutter, but Devine slips out. He goes to the top rope and jumps at Young, but they blow the spot and EY rolls him up for two. Young hits a Death Valley Driver, which I assume is what was supposed to happen the first time. Before he can get the cover, Sonjay clips his leg from behind and gets three. Seriously? The all-mighty leg-clip gets three? Next week, Sonjay wins off a stern pat of the cheek.
After the match, Lethal runs down and ambushes Sonjay, but Devine comes to Dutt's aid. Lethal fights through, taking them both down and tossing Devine from the ring. As Lethal pounds Dutt in the ring, SoCal Val runs down and begs him to stop. Lethal takes Dutt to ringside, where someone hands him a chair. Lethal reaches back to nail Dutt, but Val pulls the chair away and tosses it down. As she walks back up the ramp, Dutt grabs the chair, slams it against the ring-post, then tosses it to Lethal and takes a dive. Val turns around to see Dutt clutching his head and Lethal holding a chair, and she's not happy. Wow. It's a good thing for Dutt no one had any cameras around, or he'd totally get busted by next week—if they do try to play it like Val doesn't know next week, and she doesn't turn out to be heel, I'll be seriously annoyed.
[Commercial Break]
Storm & Roode are in the ring, belts in hand. Roode is annoyed at the people for screwing with him at Victory Road. They say they're going to get to whipping, and start looking for just the right fan to whip. They pull a "fan" into he ring and whip his back. Refs come in to try to stop this, but prove ineffectual. Scott D'Amore and some other guy come down, and they get whipped to. I thought he got fired? They chase D'Amore out through LAX's entrance, where they get the bright idea of strapping Hector Guerrerro. He tries to take the fight to them, but it doesn't work very well. Willie Urbina must be like the worst friend ever. They take Hector down to the ring and cuff him to the turnbuckle, where they do some whipping. Homicide & Hernandez, who were apparently in Puerto Rico when this segment began, finally come down to make the save.
JB is in the back with Angle & Team 3D, and he announces that the match next week has been made official. Angle says that Team 3D has never lost a tables match, which seems like an obvious lie, but, annoyingly, I'm blanking on a counterexample. Angle says they won't be alone next week, cause Sting will be in their corner. He asks Tomko, who apparently spends his day lounging in Angle's locker room, to crash Karen's talk show next week.
[Commercial Break]
Not-Crystal is in the back with Consequences Creed, who is understandably psyched. He says that Booker T might be the five time, five time, five time, five time, (he does a Spinerooni) five time WCW champion, and he might not even be able to pronounce his name, but after tonight he'll never forget the name "Creed". That promo was all right, but I think I prefer serious Creed to energetic Creed.
(6) BOOKER T defeats CONSEQUENCES CREED
Creed is literally bouncing on his way to the ring, and the crowd is behind him. Tenay says that you win this match as soon as you fasten your opponent to the stretcher, but then West says something about rolling your opponent out to the ambulance, so I don't really get the rules. A small but distinctly audible of the crowd responds to the chants for Creed by coming alive for Booker. Cool. Booker controls to start, but Creed starts blocking punches and firing back. He hits a Rolling Clothesline and then a Cross Body Block, so Booker decides to take a breather.
[Commercial Break]
Creed is still in control when we get back, but not for long. Booker knocks him down with Spinning Heel Kick, and then plants him with a Spine Buster. Tenay announces that The Motor City Machine Guns have challenged Beer Money to a strap match next week. Booker nails a big kick in the ring. He roughs Creed up a bit before nailing the Scissors Kick. He drags Creed out to the stretcher. Creed tries to fight back, but Booker plants him with another kick to the face. He knocks him around a little more before placing him on a stretcher, and I guess it is over. Booker hasn't had enough though, so he gets in a few more shots as they take Creed to the ambulance. They open the ambulance door, and Sharmell freaks out. Sure enough, here's Samoa Joe, who beats up Booker and tosses him into the ambulance. It drives away, and they show Consequences Creed slowing dying of untreated brain damage. I'm just kidding—he does it off camera, cause on camera Sharmell is sneaking up behind Joe with a black baseball bat. He turns around in time, but wants to know where she got that particular weapon. She flees.
Where We're Going: Apparently, we're doing the time-warp again. We've got Joe vs. Booker at the next PPV, and, while they're having a match next week, it certainly seems like we'll have some variation on Team 3D & Angle vs. AJ, Rhino, & Cage. LAX is still feuding with Beer Money, who it looks like are going to get fed The Guns on their way to earning a title shot. Sonjay and Lethal are still fighting. Other than the World X Cup, did anything get resolved at Victory Road? It seems like, perhaps not surprisingly, we have to look to the women's division for anything approximating new material. Kong seems to be out of the picture, and hopefully it'll stay that way for a month or so to build to her return. Other than that though, we're going nowhere good.
Star of the Night: Sting, for having the good sense to stay away from this mess of a show.
Overall: Ignoring the lost 37 minutes at the beginning, which appear to have been solid, this show was not very good. Most of it felt like either an ad for next week's show, which already has four events booked, or a rehash of last Sunday's PPV. And the Dutt business was just silly—why pull a trick that will necessarily be exposed as soon as SoCal Val learns to work a DVR? Actually, given how well my DVR's been working lately, maybe Dutt is a lot smarter than he looks. D+
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