By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
DECEMBER 20, 2007
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

-A preview aired hyping a Christmas-themed show with a variety of gimmicky matches which included the voiceover guy saying, "Shut the hell up, Santa."

-The show opened in a room hosting a TNA Christmas party with Jeremy Borash, Cristal, and Eric Young. Young introduced Borash to two fat hillbilly cousins chomping on food. Bushwacker Luke walked in doing his walk. Borash told viewers to stay tuned for more surprises. There was also a lemur being pet by Young's sister in a skimpy Santa suit.

-Mike Tenay and Don West introduced the show. Tenay said Jim Cornette was away on vacation, so Matt Morgan is taking over. Morgan, his bodyguard, would logically be second in charge, just like the secret service is second in charge with the U.S. president. Tenay and West ran down all of the Christmas-themed cheese-wiz gimmicky matches.

-Morgan stood inside the six-sided cage which was adorned with holiday lights that from top to bottom, the show would reflect his festive spirit. He said from the bottom of his, Cornette's, and everyone's heart, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. "Now let's get this show rolling!" They really need to address why this big guy who wrestled in WWE but has little experience is running the show and not actually wrestling. It's just one of those questions viewers are asking across the country and TNA should address. He seems like a wimp (at best) by just standing around collecting a paycheck rather than wrestling and trying to win titles.

1 -- ROBERT ROODE (w/Ms. Brooks) & JIMMY RAVE & LANCE HOYT (w/Christy Hemme) & JAMES STORM (w/Miss Jackie) vs. SCOTT STEINER & HERNANDEZ & HOMICIDE & BOOKER T (w/Sharmell)

The ring entrances just went on and on and on as they just kept adding more wrestlers to this match. The match didn't begin until ten minutes into the show. They've moved too quickly into treating Booker T like "just another wrestler." Eventually, a top tier acquisition has to blend in and work regularly on TV and such, but tossing him into this eight-man tag match in the opening of a match pointlessly inside a cage makes future appearances too commonplace. Two minutes in they cut to the first break.

[Commercial Break]

Booker got a hot-tag at 7:00 and cleaned house on all of the heels. Christy was going to slip a chain inside the ring, but the masked LAX member chased her away. As chaos continued in the ring, Booker pinned Rave after a Bookend.

-Back to the Christmas party, Eric Young claimed a stuffed reindeer had been staring at him all day. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky said they were there to service the hot wrestlers, winking as the said it. Classy. Then ODB walked in and said she wanted to know where the bar was. Awesome Kong walked in and stared at Young, who continued to go on and on about Santa showing up soon. Kong just walked away disgusted. Just participating in these skits strips her of some of what makes her stand out as something more than a cartoon character.

-Team 3D walked out. Don Young said Brother Ray makes Santa Claus look skinny. Ray said in the forgiving holiday spirit, they wanted to call Black Machismo and the Motor City Machine Guns to the ring so they could apologize to them. Three little people (as in midgets or dwarfs) walked out dressed as Machismo, Chris Sabin, and Alex Shelley. Brother Devon set Little Sabin on Ray's lap on the Santa chair. Ray asked him what he wanted for Christmas. He said, "You'll shoot you eye out with that." Little Shelley was next. Ray asked what he wanted for Christmas. He wanted a new computer. Ray said how nice that would be so he could go home and hide behind his computer and put himself over to the 38 people who read his My Space account. Little Machismo said he wanted to spend the night with So Cal Val. He gave Machismo his five dollars and told him to bring the change. So Cal was offended, not because she was for sale, but because the price was so cheap. Tenay needlessly told us the real Black Machismo wouldn't be amused. Thanks, Mike. Little Sabin slapped Ray. Devon, Ray, and Johnn Devine, dresed as an elf, attacked the little people. The real Machismo, Sabin, and Shelley ran out and cleared the ring. Sabin challenged the three heels to a match right now rather than later.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- ALEX SHELLEY & CHRIS SABIN & BLACK MACHISMO vs. TEAM 3D & JOHNNY DEVINE - Double North Pole Match

On two poles on opposite sides of the ring hung match stips for the next PPV. One was Ultimate X, which Sabin & Shelley wanted, and the other was a plate glass tables match, which Team 3D wanted. Tenay said Machismo was going to "try and take down" the slip of paper that said Ultimate X, but Ray intervened before he got it down, so Machismo "tried" to take it down but didn't get to the "and take it down" part. Ray chokeslammed Machismo to the mat as West marveled at his size and strength, then they cut to a break at 3:00.

[Commercial Break]

As I look at Ray's "X Sux" lettering on the back of his Santa suit, it points out what was wrong with this feud, which is that the X Division wasn't built up as anything special before the heesl began contending it sucked. Part of what would make Team 3D heels is being liars, but the attitude that came through on TV leading up to this feud is that the X Division did suck, or put more delicately, wasn't prestigious and filled with small guys doing an inferior style who can't cut it in the heavyweight division. In the end, Black Machismo and Little Machismo hit a stereo top rope elbow on Team 3D as Shelley grabbed the Ultimate X note off of the North Pole.

WINNERS: Shelley & Sabin & Machismo in 9:00.

-Young's hillbilly cousins were hitting on Awesome Kong. She punched them. Kevin Nash showed up. Young welcomed him. "The girls" rubbed up against him. Young offered him their services and said, "Santa is coming!" Nash said, "He ain't the only one." Everyone oohhed and laughed. This is such a smutty show. It's just too much inuendo, based around low IQ Howard Stern humor and, while there is a place and a market for it, it just doesn't sell tickets to wrestling matches in this kind of context. It's not clever or anti-authority; it just comes across like sixth graders who stole some vodka from the liquor cabinet and are making sexual puns and feeling like they're breaking these adult rules. It's kind of sad to see adults portray "come" puns and prostitutes showing up a Christmas party (worse when the "prostitutes" are wrestlers on the main roster) as clever and entertaining, even to their target demographic. The people involved in creating this type of show live in a different, sad world than their intended audience and don't realize it.

[Commercial Break]

-Kurt and Karen Angle showed up at the party. Karen's breasts were nearly completely exposed. Young forced more "service" puns: "You've got to be on your way. The girls were servicing everybody. Things got crazy. Can I service you, Kurt?" Kurt asked if he was a cupcake. Young said Santa is on his way and he's pumped. Kurt asked for a private talk. Kurt asked Karen to finish cleaning the floor. Kurt told Young that Santa doesn't exist. Young laughed. Kurt told him Santa is like a cartoon character like Spiderman or Shrek. Young excitedly said, "Santa and Shrek are the same person?" Kurt asked, "Where's the booze?" Karen said, "Yes, I need a drink."

-Ring intros took place or the women's no-rules match. The camera zoomed in on the crotch-rubbing middle-rope ring entrance of Velvet Sky and Angelina Sky. West excitedly said the camera men drew straws to see who got to film that. They also showed Samoa Joe arriving at the Impact Zone backstage. They commented on how serious and upset he looked.

[Commercial Break]

3 -- ODB & ROXXI LAVEAUX vs. MISS JACKIE vs. AWESOME KONG vs. VELVET SKY vs. ANGELINA LOVE vs. GAIL KIM vs. CHRISTY HEMME vs. MS. BROOKS

Kim charged into the ring and went right after Kong. They brawled down the aisle to the back. They used a toy box and toys as a prop. ODB stood on top of the toy box with Angelina stuck underneath it and she made a big blow job gesture with her hands. The totally smutty, sleazy tone to this show continued. Kong returned to the ring and beat up everyone leading to an Awesome Bomb for the three count. Kim returned to the ring and went after Kong , slamming her in the shoulder and back and then flush over the skull with chairshots. Security intervened to pull them apart. Tenay "begged TNA management" to book Kim vs. Kong.

WINNER: Kong in 6:00.

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

-At the Christmas party, Young congratulated Matt Morgan for an awesome show. The door bell rang. in walked Chris Harris. Harris said it's not a party because there's no music or women. He said he'd be happy with presents. Harris informed Young that his birthday is on Christmas. The little people and X Division wrestlers showed up next followed by So Cal Val. Dutt moved in on Machismo's mistletoe kiss of Val.

[Commercial Break]

-Crystal interviewed Samoa Joe. He acted moody and told her "screw you" when she invited him to the Christmas party. He apologized and talked about how great the party must be. Then he suggested the money spent on the party could be better spent "supplementing his contract." He said people want to see him commit violence. He asked her where Morgan was. She said he was at the party, "eating, drinking, and having fun." He said he'd go to the party and make sure it's a party Morgan never forgets.

-A video package aired on James Mitchell, Abyss, and Judas Mesias.

4 -- SHARK BOY & ABYSS vs. RELLIK & BLACK REIGN - Another Convoluted Christmas-Themed Gimmick Match

West said Shark Boy, with his body taped in various places, wasn't nearly ready to wrestle such monsters. Tenay announced that TNA would be headed to Canada in a matter of days. The heels hit Abyss with a Hart Attack clothesline, then the cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Bak from the break, the heels remained in control. Rellik and Reign fought over who got to pin Shark Boy. That gave Abyss an opening to clothesline them both. Abyss pulled a barbed wire baseball bat out of a gift package and used it against his opponents. Next came out a bag of thousands of thumb tacks. Abyss and Shark Boy threw a barbed wire Christmas tree into Reign in a corner, then Abyss went for a cover. Mitchell distracted the ref. The lights went out. When they came back on, Judas Mesias was inside the ring. He spit up "blood" and then drove Abyss face-first into thumb tacks. Rellik then pinned Shark Boy. Rellik wins! Rellik wins!

WINNERS: Rellik & Reign in 10:00.

-Joe barged into the party and yelled for Morgan. Joe said, "Most people think this time should be allocated for wrestling." The message here is Joe is a stick in the mud. Joe said it's funny that a company that can't afford to raise its salary cap to pay him what he's worth can afford catering for a frivolous party. He told Morgan to tell Jim Cornette to take his contract offer and "stick it." He said they can find him at home. He then apologized to everyone else partying and told them he wished the Merry Christimas. Then he snapped and tipped over a table and a Christmas tree.

[Commercial Break]

-Back to the party. Jeremy Borash sat on the floor with Young who lamented his party being ruined. Young said Santa would soon show up and fix everything. Borash asked if anything Angle told him earlier resonated with him. Young said he was ridiculous saying Shrek and Santa were the same. Borash explained that they're make-believe characters. Santa then showed up. Borash seemed shocked. Young looked up wide-eyed and excited.

-A.J. Styles and Kaz made their ring entrances.

[Commercial Break]

5 -- KAZ vs. A.J. STYLES -- Grab the Reindeer Ladder Match Main Event

They fought at ringside early with Styles getting the upper hand. Tenay noted that Angle will defend the TNA Title against Christian Cage at the next PPV. Kaz suplexed Styles from inside to outside the ring onto a ladder propped against the ring apron. Back in the ring, Kaz and Styles fought over climbing the ladder. Styles flipped off the ladder into an inverted DDT onto Kaz. Kaz blocked a suplex by Styles into the ladder, then sent him into it with a drop toe hold. Styles ducked Kaz's flip and nailed him with a Pele kick. They cut to a break at 6:00.

[Commercial Break]

The showed clips of big spots that took place during the break. Kaz knocked the ladder over with Styles on top reaching for the reindeer. Styles set up the ladder in the corner and then climbed to the top turnbuckle. Kaz ran up the ladder and met Styles on the top. Styles set up a Styles Clash. Kaz backdropped out of it. They met at the top of the ladder at 13:00 and Styles gave Kaz a salto suplex to the mat. Angle walked to ringside, cheering on Styles. Styles was distracted by Angle's presence. Kaz knocked Styles to the mat. Kaz climbedthe ladder and pulled down the reindeer costume. Angle couldn't believe it, leaning on the ring apron with a look of disbelief.

WINNER: Kaz in 14:00.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- It's hard to take anything seriously on this show, especially when two people are fighting over a reindeer suit hanging above the ring. This had some big spots, but it wasn't a good ladder match overall.

-Styles threw a Bobby Heenan fit as several referees insisted he put on the costume. Tenay said that was part of the deal from signing up for the match. Styles resisted any way possible, including that he didn't know how to put it on. Tenay called it the ultimate humiliation. Angle finally put the head on Styles, then chewed him out for humiliating him. He told him to return to the back and repeat "I am not a reindeer" one thousand times. Santa Claus then came out handing out gifts to fans at ringside. Tenay said, "Only at a TNA Christmas party sponsored by Eric Young could we have midgets, monkeys, mistletoe, and Santa himself." West said, "Only on TNA." There's a reason for that. West plugged TNA merchandise at retail stores and online.

Angle told Young that he told him earlier there is no such thing as Santa Claus. Angle asked the crowd if they believed. They shouted yes. "Well, you're idiots, too," Angle said. Angle said he never got gifts from Santa. He told him he'd been a pretty good boy this year and is the TNA World Champion. He said he's entitled to wish for something from him for Christmas. He said he's feeling pretty generous, but he doesn't want a gift for himself. He said he would like Christian Cage to "grow some balls and show up here tonight so I can finish off what I did to him last week." Angle said that wish probably won't come true, so he clotheslined Santa and threw Young out of the ring. They showed a girl on her mom's shoulder crying. Angle applied an anklelock on Santa. Christian Cage popped out of a big giftbox at ringside and made the save. So this week Christian is a babyface who saves Santa. He put Angle in an anklelock. Angle escaped and fled as Tenay plugged the Final Resolution PPV.

-A highlight music video closed out the show for those who wanted to relive that mess.

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