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1/29 WWE Raw Review: Parks's ongoing "virtual time" alt perspective

Jan 29, 2007 - 11:07:00 PM
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By Greg Parks, PWTorch Contributor

Hey all. I’m Greg Parks, your resident Smackdown reviewer, filling in for Jamie Penick this week. So let’s get to it!

-WWE Open.

-We get a cold open to the crowd, followed by the seizure-inducing graphics and music of DX. Shawn Michaels comes out to quite a pop. JR and The King welcome us to Dallas, Texas and the American Airlines Arena, filled to the brim with 17,115 fans. HBK has the mic. He said last week no mortal could beat him in the Rumble- but the one man who WASN’T mortal did beat him. He has his sights set on the World Championship at WrestleMania. HBK says if Taker chooses Batista or Lashley (boos from the crowd), that leaves the WWE Championship open. Before he can get any more out, John Cena comes out. Cena likes the idea of HBK/Cena at WM, but it’s up to the Undertaker. Then Edge’s music hits, and one-half of the tag-team champions comes onto the stage. Edge brags about being right last week about Michaels losing. Edge says he has Cena’s number. He says it should be obvious that HE should face the Champ at WrestleMania. And almost on cue, the other half of the tag-champs comes out. They give each other quite a glare. Orton says it’s every man for himself when it comes to the WWE Title. He thinks Edge has had enough title shots, and it should be his turn. Before the two can verbally sparring, Cena interrupts to mock them. Cena tells the champs to bring it on, and they do. But Vince McMahon’s mug appears on the Titan-Tron. He’s in his “indignation” mode. Vince says he tells the audience what and when they want, he says tonight, for the tag titles, Edge and Orton vs. Michaels and Cena. I think the fans would settle for that.

[Commercial Break]

-Cryme Tyme gives some free shout-outs backstage, including Sabrina from the strip club. Charming.

1- CRYME TYME VS. THE WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM
Haas and Shad Gaspard start things off. Haas with a go-behind and hammerlock. Shad gets some shoulderblocks to no reaction. Benjamin cheap-shots him from behind and Shad is in pain. Haas now works the left knee. Tag is in to Shelton and he goes after the knee too. Shad punches his way out, with little behind them. Benjamin rolls up Shad, then works it into a half-crab. Gaspard fights out and makes the tag to JTG who is a house afire, taking down Haas and Benjamin. He does some dancing then hits a back-elbow on Benjamin. All four men in now. Benjamin skins the cat but, JTG rools him up. Haas though DDTs JTG and Benjamin reverses the roll-up for the pin.

WINNERS: The World’s Greatest Tag Team at 3:39. A much-needed win for Haas and Benjamin. Good finishing sequence.

-Melina thanks Vince for something backstage, then hugs him. Oh, that Vince. Coach comes in and says the fan appreciation night is a go. Vince thinks after tonight, he’ll be thought of in the same breath as Gandhi and Mother Theresa.

[Commercial Break]

-WWE 24/7's This Week in Wrestling History: The first Royal Rumble, won by Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

2- MELINA VS. MARIA
Melina says Vince convinced her to seize and opportunity. This is a “First Contender’s Match” for the Women’s Title. I’m assuming that’s similar to a #1 Contender. The lady’s do some sloppy chain wrestling, then Maria goes right into the Bronco Buster. Roll-up gets one. Melina gently puts Maria down by the hair. Another hair-pull by Melina. Melina sets Maria back-first on the middle rope, then gives a kick to the back. She does some choking in the corner. Maria fights out and gets a roll-up for two. Boy, this is not pretty. Leg grapevine and bridge by Melina (The California Dream, according to Lawler), and Maria taps.

WINNER: Melina at 2:18. We’ll see how Melina does with a competent opponent in Mickie.

-Coming up, Great Khali vs. Jeff Hardy, and the tag titles are on the line. Stay tuned!

[Commercial Break]

-We just now get some highlights from the Royal Rumble, encouraging us to buy the replay. I wonder why it took them almost 40 minutes into the show to air it..

-HBK is backstage and Todd Grisham comes up to him for an interview. Pretty gutsy for a guy that got superkicked a few weeks ago (or last week?). HBK says Cena is no Triple H. Storyline-wise, I guess that makes sense for him to say.

-Super Crazy comes up to Mickie James backstage. He says Mickie was crazy, but HE’S Super Crazy. That wasn’t even funny the first week. Melina then approaches Mickie. Super Crazy takes Mickie’s hand and slaps Melina with it. The two ladies then brawl all over the tables backstage. Nitro and Steve Keirn try to break things up as Melina calls Mickie a whore.

-Edge is backstage with Cade and Murdoch(?). Edge says partners don’t get better than Orton, and nobody can take the belts away from them.

[Commercial Break- I gotta say, that ping-pong ball commercial is pretty cool.]

-We get stills from the Cena/Umaga LMS match from last night.

3- VAL VENIS VS. UMAGA
Venis is “currently in the ring.” Umaga has some bruises around his neck from last night. Venis tries to attack before the bell, but gets a shoulderblock. Umaga with a Samoan drop. He puts Val upside-down in the corner and lays some right hands in. Flying headbutt hits. He’s sitting in the corner now, and we all know what’s next. Butt, meet face. Thumbs up from Umaga, and he spikes Venis. That’s all she wrote for the former porn star.

WINNER: Umaga at 1:47. Looks like they’re building him back up with squash matches.

-Before Umaga can get to the locker room, Mr. McMahon comes out with his cowboy hat on. Oh man, I hope he does his, “I’m a Real Texan Now!” strut like he did in Texas a few years back! Fan appreciation night is next!

[Commercial Break]

-Mr. McMahon is in the ring with a Texas accent and a big billboard covered up by a black sheet. Mr. McMahon says anyone wearing a Cowboy hat “just looks stupid.” I hope JBL’s not listening. Is this another veiled reference to JR? Vince steps on the hat and flattens it. What a heel. Not a good start for fan appreciation night. He’s got two words to say to the crowd. They’re chanting “you suck.” His two words, that he doesn’t often say, are “thank you.” He thanks the crowd for making him a billionaire. Mr. McMahon is taking a volunteer from the crowd. He picks some hot chick from Dallas. He thinks she’s nervous standing next to Mr. McMahon. Jackie is her name. He’s gonna give her something very special. He even gets a drum-roll for the big presentation. It’s, of course, the cover of “Muscle and Fitness” magazine with Vince on the cover. Jackie will get the poster after the show, and she heads back to her seat. The fans are not fans of fan appreciation night. As Vince talks of giving, Donald Trump appears on the Titan-Tron. He says the fans have no alternative to liking WWE. Trump calls the photo “cheesy.” He then says fans want value. Trump is going to show appreciation to Vince’s audience, by giving money. Money then drops from the ceiling. Vince says it’s Monopoly money. A fan has a $100 bill he shows the camera, and it’s real. Vince calls Trump a “son of a bitch.” He says Trump hasn’t heard the last of this. He says Trump embarrassed him and the fans don’t deserve the money. He tries to grab money away from fans at ringside. Vince stomps off, while still working the arms. Well, that wasn’t what it was hyped up to be, but I guess Trump actually appearing in some shape is a positive step for their feud.

[Commercial Break]

-We get our first “Moments Ago” clip, and its of the money falling from the ceiling.

-Coach chases down McMahon backstage. Vince has never been embarrassed like that in his life. He must have a short memory. He grabs some money from Coach and his limo takes off.

4- CARLITO AND SUPER CRAZY VS. CHRIS MASTERS AND KENNY DYKSTRA
The heels almost have matching tights. Masters and Crazy lock up and Masters goes to work on him in the corner. Crazy with a springboard splash followed by a low dropkick. Cover gets one. Masters back on offense and he tags Kenny, as the crowd chants “Super Crazy.” Nice seated dropkick. Carlito is in now. Quick blind tag to Super Crazy and Carlito hits a hurricanarana. Both heels are on the outside, and the faces hit stereo planchas/dives to the floor. Masters trips Crazy back in the ring and Dykstra goes to work. Tag in to Masters. Backbreaker puts Crazy back down. Tag to Dykstra, and he hits a fist off the middle rope onto the ribs of Crazy. Near-fall for Dykstra. Torrie tries to get the crowd behind Super Crazy, and its not working. Flying back elbow by Dykstra and Carlito breaks up the pin attempt. Double vertical suplex by the heels. Masters with some vicious elbows. He then yells at the crowd, as they’re now desperate for SOME reaction. Kenny is back in and puts the boot to the mug of Crazy. Some headbutts to the gut and Crazy shows some signs of life, but that ends quickly. Couple of short-arm clotheslines get two. Rear chin-lock by Dykstra. The crowd finally follows Torrie’s lead and gets into it. Crazy fights out of a suplex attempt and both men are down. Both men make the tag and Carlito quickens the pace with his offense. Big dropkick hits and Dykstra breaks up the pin attempt. Crazy comes in and takes Kenny to the outside with him. Masters has Carlito up for a press-slam, but Carlito rakes the eyes and hits the back-cracker for the win.

WINNERS: Carlito and Super Crazy at 7:31. Real slow in spots, but the match was okay technically.

-Todd Grisham is backstage with Randy Orton. Grisham wants to know how Orton and Edge can trust each other tonight. Orton doesn’t give him a straight answer, dancing around the question. Right out of Sports Coach’s interviewing 101.

-The tag titles are on the line later, but Khali vs. Hardy is next!

[Commercial Break]


5- JEFF HARDY VS. GREAT KHALI
This is for the IC Title. Hardy tries to hit-and-run, but is tossed out of the ring. Well, at least they have someone that can bump for Khali. Big forearms as Hardy is bent over the ropes. He gets sling-shotted back in. Head first into the turn buckle goes Hardy, then Khali hits a back elbow. He actually throws some decent right hands. Chop by Khali. Hardy goes up and over Khali, right hands have no effect, and Khali with a clothesline. Hardy off the top rope, grazes Khali with a “Whiper in the Wind.” Khali misses a boot and he’s straddled on the top rope. Hardy hammers away, but Khali catches him and sets Hardy on the rope, and chops him over to the floor. Hardy doesn’t get up and Khali is too busy raising his arms in the air in the ring to go out and get Hardy, so Khali gets the count-out win.

WINNER: Great Khali by count-out at 3:38. Better than I expected actually. Which isn’t saying much.

-We see Candice filming the new GoDaddy.com ad for the Super Bowl.

-Later tonight, the World Tag Titles are on the line, Rated RKO vs. Cena and HBK.

[Commercial Break]

-WrestleMania Recall is the Wrestlemania 21 Money in the Bank Ladder Match.

-Some interview guy is with Vladimir Kozlov at ringside. Kozlov gives his thoughts on the Royal Rumble. He loves Double-Double E because money falls from the sky. He wasn’t impressed with the Royal Rumble.

-We get highlights and still clips of the LMS match at Royal Rumble last night.

-Cena and Flair are backstage. Flair talks up Cena and says HBK wants Cena at WM. He says HBK may make a statement tonight.

[Commercial Break]

-They hype up Mr. McMahon’s first-ever appearance on ECW, tomorrow night. That can’t be good.

6- RATED RKO VS. JOHN CENA AND SHAWN MICHAELS
This match, of course, is for the World Tag Titles. Michaels and Edge start. Michaels gets the advantage and taunts Edge. Knee-lift by Michaels puts Edge back down. Tag is in to Cena. He hits a hip-toss, bodyslam and elbowdrop for a near fall. Cena gets a DDT for two. Edge however is able to make the tag to Orton. Orton hits some closed fits on Cena as the crowd is pretty well behind the Champ. Cena comes back with a suplex and a pin attempt. He goes after both men, then pushes Orton into Edge, knocking him off the apron. Edge is not happy. He opens the ropes for Edge, but Edge is taking a walk. Perfect time for a break!

[Commercial Break]

Back, strangely, with Edge in the ring, getting it handed to him by Cena. HBK though is distracting the ref and Orton gives him a shot to the abdomen. Baseball slide by Edge sends Cena to the outside. Back in, Edge gets two on a pin attempt. Orton makes the tag and goes to work on the legs of Cena. The heels are cutting off the ring as Edge gets the tag. Nice forearms by Edge and a dropkick for a two-count. Cena tries to fight for the tag, but instead its Orton who comes in. Orton works in a different rest-hold, exploiting Cena’s ribs with a body-scissors. Oh, he’s got the chin-lock on there too. Cena gets up with Orton on his back. He fights out and holds the ropes while Orton misses a dropkick. Both men are down, struggling to make the tag, and both men do. HBK has multiple right hands for both Rated RKO members. Bodyslam on Edge and he heads to the top. Elbowdrop hits and he’s tuning up the band. Orton comes in though with a dropkick. Michaels is down and Orton is lining up for the RKO. He fights out just as Orton is about to hit it. Cena gets tagged in and hoists Orton up for the FU, hits, and we have NEW Champs!

WINNERS: Cena and Michaels at 14:52. The intrigue of whether both teams would get along made the match more interesting than it really was.

-HBK looked like he was going to hit the superkick, but Cena got out of the way. It wasn’t obvious that Michaels was going to go for it though. They argue in the ring while Undertaker’s music hits. He’s got some smoke and fire behind him. He stares in the direction of Cena in the ring. JR is cut-off mid-sentence and we are out.


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