By James Caldwell, PWTorch columnist

WWE Raw Alternative Report
November 6 in Columbus, Ohio

- We start with a recap of Kevin Federline costing John Cena the Cyber Sunday main event match last night. Ross and Lawler talked about Federline being in the building tonight.

- Randy Orton's music hit. Edge, Orton, and Lita walked out. Edge was caught looking down Lita's half-exposed top on the way to the ring. Lawler said they all won at the PPV. Ross said these three probably partied all night long. Edge introduced Lita as the new Women's champion. He said there is a new era on Raw and it's rated R-K-O. Edge said the days of Triple H saying jokes for eight year olds and shilling merchandise are over. Edge then introduced footage of their win from Cyber Sunday. Orton said DX has been beaten for the first time ever. I'm sure the New Age Outlaws lost plenty of times. Orton said the fans shouldn't be surprised because they voted for Eric Bischoff as special referee. He then introduced Bischoff. Bischoff asked for the music to be cut. He had many people to thank. He thanked the fans for voting for him and making him a runaway favorite. Bischoff thanked Edge and Orton for putting in an outstanding performance to get the job done. He hesitantly thanked Vince McMahon despite their differences in the past. Bischoff botched the title of his book, then said his book is making money hand over fist for WWE. He said McMahon has rewarded him with the role of G.M. for the night. "Oh man," Lawler said. Bischoff said his word is law tonight. He mentioned John Cena and said he has the night off. Bischoff then said DX is banned from the building. He said Melina would accompany Nitro to take on Jeff Hardy for the IC Title. He even thanked Melina for firing Mick Foley. Seed planting. Ric Flair and Roddy Piper then interrupted Bischoff. Flair took the mic and introduced themselves as the new tag champs. Flair said he understands Bischoff has a best seller, but he didn't mention the time Flair beat him up in St. Louis in his book. "And just so you know, I have no problem doing it again," Flair said. Edge interrupted and talked about his talk show. Piper interrupted and said Edge's show is a Piper rip-off. He then said Orton couldn't even rip off his old man right. Piper mocked Bischoff, then said he was born to controversy. Flair's music started, but Bischoff cut it off. He booked a tag title match between Flair & Piper and Orton & Edge. Everyone had a big smile on his face. This sure wasn't Horsemen-Bischoff on Nitro in South Carolina.

[Commercial Break]

- They aired clips of John Cena's various media appearances promoting The Marine. In a sit-down interview, Cena said the films division is helping break down barriers. In other words, the McMahons are ashamed of being part of the 'rasslin business and want to move away from the stigma that comes with it.

- They showed Ohio St. Buckeyes players ringside, including Troy Smith and James Laurinaitis. Yep, James has a future in wrestling after a ten-year career in the NFL.

1 -- JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO (w/Melina) -- IC Title match

Before the match, they showed photos of Melina and Nitro with celebrities at Federline's album party. Hardy sent Nitro to the outside early on. Hardy then followed up with a splash. Back in the ring, Nitro took Hardy headfirst into the middle turnbuckle. Melina then tripped up Hardy from the outside. The referee gave her a warning. She tripped him again, so the referee DQ'ed Nitro. Bischoff then walked out and demanded a re-start with it being a No DQ match. My goodness, they're recycling storylines from Smackdown now.

WINNER: Hardy via DQ in 2:00. You knew this was going short when Hardy hit a splash on the outside within the first 15 seconds of the match.

[Commercial Break]

1B -- JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO (w/Melina) -- IC Title match -- No DQ

We came back to find Nitro working on Hardy and Melina screaming. Wonderful. They had a mid-air collision after bouncing off the ropes. Hardy then hit a turnaround kick to Nitro's stomach for a nearfall. He hit the Whisper in the Wind out of nowhere and scored another nearfall. Melina then ran in and jumped on Hardy's back. Hardy flipped her to the mat, then went up top. Melina crotched him before he could hit the Swanton Bomb. Nitro grabbed the IC Title belt and smashed it over Hardy's face. He made the cover for the win. After the match, Nitro and Melina shared a kiss.

WINNER: Nitro in 4:00 to capture the IC Title. The title switch seems like a response to last night's poor showing from Hardy and Carlito.

- Ross and Lawler discussed Federline's appearance up next.

[Commercial Break]

- Random lower carders were assembled around Eric Bischoff and Coach backstage. Eugene and Hacksaw Duggan complained while Spirit Squad stood silent. Bischoff said the losing team would never be able to team up again. The Squad complained. Shouldn't Kenny have been jumping for joy? Bischoff sent them away. Maria then walked in. Bischoff reminded Maria of her performance during his trail that got him fired. He said it was impressive how Maria pretended to have brains. Bischoff smiled at Coach, then said she would have her brains splattered across the arena when she faces Umaga. Maria was shocked. Bischoff then said if she doesn't wrestle, she would be fired. Ross, speaking as the "voice of the fan" and Lawler were indignant back at the announce table. This could make for great TV if some babyfaces surround Maria and help her out preparing for Umaga.

- Lillian Garcia introduced a pre-tape video with Kevin Federline. Federline said he's sure everyone in the arena enjoyed watching what he did to Cena last night, just like they're enjoying his new album. Federline challenged Cena to a match on New Year's Day in Miami on Raw. He said that Cena's going to find out that when it comes to fighting, he can't see him. There were several awkward pauses, as if Federline was told to pause when cheers and boos were applicable.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- SPIRIT SQUAD (JOHNNY & KENNY w/Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey) vs. HACKSAW DUGGAN & EUGENE -- Losing team splits

Ross and Lawler talked about Johnny and Kenny having a difference of opinion last night. Eugene caught Johnny with Rock Bottom early on. Hacksaw took a tag and knocked down the heels. He lined up a charging shoulder tackle, but the Squad tripped up Hacksaw. He turned around to reach for the Squad, but Kenny rolled him up from behind for the win. Eugene and Hacksaw talked things over in the ring. They shared a hug, then Eugene jumped Hacksaw from behind. He shoved the referee aside and picked up the 2x4. He jabbed it into Hacksaw's stomach, then his throat. Eugene did a crazed victory lap around the ring while screaming and pulling his hair. Eugene took off up the entrance ramp as Hacksaw remained motionless on the mat.

WINNERS: Squad in 3:00. Well, we'll see where this goes. I don't think Eugene vs. Hacksaw is going to make anyone any money, but Eugene as a crazed handicap has potential, as tasteless as that would be.

[Commercial Break]

- To promote the Roddy Piper DVD out in a few weeks, they aired some clips of Piper and Flair in the '70s.

3 -- MARIA vs. UMAGA (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada)

Coach dragged the damsel in distress through the curtain to the ring. He held Maria in the ring as Umaga came to the ring. Lawler said this is like Beauty and the Beast, but without the happy ending. Coach shoved Maria into Umaga's chest when the bell rang. Umaga slowly approached Maria, who cowered in the corner. He then picked her up and gave her a Samoan Drop. Umaga dragged Maria to the corner to set her up for the running rear splash. Umaga charged the corner, but missed Maria's head. They switched camera shots at the right split second so it wasn't as obvious. Ross said something that was bleeped on commentary. Armando called for the Spike, but Cena's music hit. Cena ran to the ring and fought off Umaga. He cleared Umaga to the outside, then checked on Maria. Grisham walked in and asked Cena why he showed up on his night off. Cena said he's trying to make sense of things. He said Federline got by WWE's "crack" security staff to attack him last night. Cena said he had a bad night last night, but he wants to fight someone tonight. He asked Grisham why he was in the ring rather than taking naked pics for his Myspace page. Cena then gave Grisham the FU for no apparent reason. Cena told Federline to use all the money he stole from Britney and buy himself a military for when they face off on New Year's Day. He introduced himself for a third time and said he's right here. Cena looked into the hard camera and told Umaga and Federline to come get some.

WINNER: No Contest in 2:00. What a swell guy Cena is. He waits until Maria takes two signature moves before coming to the ring, then barely checks on her, and proceeds to cut a promo. Welcome to WWE.

[Commercial Break]

- Bischoff and Lita discussed things backstage. He said Cena is just a speed bump on his great night. Lita was impressed by Bischoff's show so far. Bischoff said he hasn't seen DX yet, which makes it an even better night. He then asked Lita why she wants to defend the Women's Title against Mickie James tonight. She said she wanted to create controversy with a specific match. Lita whispered sweet nothings in Bischoff's era and his ears perked up. He said that's a great idea. He then said he would be special referee for Flair/Piper-Edge/Orton. Lita said that's another great idea. They agreed that they work well together.

- Torrie Wilson and Carlito shared a moment backstage. Carlito didn't seem too concerned about losing his IC Title match last night. Shelton Benjamin then walked up to them and pointed out that the fans wasted their vote on Carlito last night. Shelton said he would have done better than him against Hardy. He said he would show the fans how much of a waste Carlito is when they wrestle later in the show. Shelton then said he wasn't voted by the fans because he's a black man. Carlito laughed. Shelton said the wrestling fans and Americans are prejudiced against minorities. Carlito gasped then said he's Puerto Rican. Torrie laughed and Shelton told her to be quiet. Shelton kept pulling things out of left field. He said he's a hero to black kids in Europe, especially Yugoslavia. Carlito laughed again. A large shadow appeared off camera. Carlito motioned with his eyebrows to turn around. It was Ron Simmons. He got in Shelton's face and screamed, "Damn."

- This Week in Wrestling history was Nov. 7, 1985 with the Wrestling Classic on PPV. They showed Junkyard Dog winning the 16-man tournament. The voice-over man said WWE continues to be a pioneer in the PPV industry. Not last night.

[Commercial Break]

- They showed Cindy Margolis sitting ringside. Remember when she was the most downloaded woman on the Internet? Ross said she's posing for Playboy. Ah.

- Chris Masters was in center ring. Bischoff showed up on the Titantron and told Jim Ross that he would be facing Masters. Ross said that's not right, and Lawler took a mic. He told Bischoff to get in the ring and fight him. Bischoff said Lawler doesn't want a piece of him. Lawler said he would face Masters instead. Bischoff told him that he would have one hand tied to the top rope and if he lost to Masters, he would be fired next week.

4 -- CHRIS MASTERS vs. JERRY LAWLER

Coach walked to the ring and tried to cuff Lawler, but Lawler decked him with a right hand. The referee cuffed Lawler to the top rope and called for the bell. Lawler got in a few punches, but Masters beat him down to one knee with clubbing forearm blows. Masters ripped off Lawler's dress shirt and called for Lawler to be unhooked. He applied the Masterlock and Lawler faded out, giving Masters the win. Ross was indignant on commentary.

WINNER: Masters via submission in 2:00. This is a depressing show and the crowd is lifeless because they've watched heels beat up babyfaces all night.

[Commercial Break]

- The voice over man said over 14.6 people voted last night. How do you have 0.6 of a person? Would that require two legs, one arm, and a torso, or two legs, two arms, and no torso?

- Cryme Tyme walked out and sat down with Ross for commentary. Shad said they didn't want to leave Ross alone. Shelton Benjamin walked out for his match. Cryme Tyme told Shelton to come over to the announce table. They embraced and Shad complemented Shelton on his ice.

5 -- SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. CARLITO

Shelton jumped Carlito before the opening bell. Cryme Tyme continued to complement Shelton on his abilities in the ring. Carlito made a comeback with consecutive left arm clotheslines. He then caught Shelton with a flapjack out of the fireman's carry position. Carlito missed a springboard move and Shelton caught him with a crescent kick. Cryme Tyme left the announce table and checked out Shelton's merchandise. Shelton became distracted when he spotted Shad holding his necklace. Carlito then caught Shelton from behind with the backcracker for the win. Cryme Tyme left ringside with Shelton's merchandise. "Shelton lost the match and Shelton lost his bling-bling," Ross said.

WINNER: Carlito in 3:00. Are we supposed to feel sorry for the heel for having his jewelry stolen? Are we supposed to laugh at the babyfaces for committing a crime? Welcome to WWE.

[Commercial Break]

- Maria walked out for her match. Coach was on color commentary. Wonderful. He said Ross looked real comfortable with Cryme Tyme sitting next to him. He said it was like a double Oreo. Ross said he likes Oreos. Lita walked out. She took the mic and said she has good and bad news. Lita said the title's on the line, but Maria has to have one hand tied behind her back. Referee Marty tied up Maria and even added black tape on the knot to secure it.

6 -- LITA vs. MARIA -- Women's Title match

Lita missed with a top rope moonsault early on. Mickie tried to fire up with one hand blows, but Lita caught her with a kick to the gut. She delivered a DDT for the win. Ross wanted to know what Lita had to do to pay back Bischoff. Lita took the mic and introduced Bischoff as the special referee for the main event. He walked out in stripes and they shared a hug.

WINNER: Lita in 2:00 to retain the Women's Title.

[Commercial Break]

- They plugged wrestling matches for ECW tomorrow night.

- Lita and Bischoff were still alone in the ring after the break. That must have been a great commercial break for the live crowd.

7 -- RIC FLAIR & RODDY PIPER vs. EDGE (w/Lita) & RANDY ORTON -- WWE Tag Title match -- Eric Bischoff as special referee -- No DQ

Flair started the match and Piper kept his shirt on as he waited on the apron. Edge absorbed chops, then back body dropped Flair to the mat. Edge landed a top rope missile dropkick. Bischoff should just call for the bell and award Edge and Orton the tag titles. Piper tagged in and knocked down Edge. He made a cover, but Bischoff had something in his eye. Piper then applied a sleeper hold, but Orton knocked Piper in the head with a chair as Lita "distracted" Bischoff. Um, it's a No DQ match. Why would Lita need to "distract" Bischoff? Coach predicted certain victory for Edge and Orton. Flair shot Edge the bird, then Edge went back to work on Piper. Orton tagged in and applied the always exciting reverse chinlock. Edge tagged in and landed a back elbow smash. Piper fell through the ropes to the outside. Edge tried to hit Piper with a chair, but Piper ducked and slammed Edge headfirst into the ringpost. Piper did the man crawling on his belly in the desert before tagging out to Flair. Flair landed chops before Edge caught him from behind with a chopblock. Flair, from his knees, delivered a double low blow. Flair then knocked down Bischoff. Edge speared Flair and made a cover, but there was no referee. A new referee slid into the ring and counted a nearfall for Orton. DX then ran to the ring and Shawn Michaels caught Orton square in the mouth with Sweet Chin Music. Hunter picked up Flair and placed him on top of Orton. The new referee counted a pinfall.

Afterwards, Hunter chased Edge out of the arena. He then went into the ring and waited for Bischoff to reach his feet. HBK and Hunter cornered him, then Hunter dropped him with the Pedigree. HBK gave Hunter the mic. Hunter said now is the time for Big Dick Johnson. Johnson came to the ring in a DX jumpsuit. He danced around the ring and Hunter placed Bischoff in the Camel Clutch. Johnson then stripped off his suit right in front of Bischoff, revealing a yellow g-string. Bischoff screamed as Johnson's crotch inched closer to his head. Johnson then danced around the ring and mooned Bischoff. Hunter and HBK dragged Bischoff towards Johnson and shoved his face into Johnson's DX-painted rear. They rubbed his head in pretty good before tossing him to the outside. Somewhere, Vince McMahon is having a heck of a laugh. DX posed in the ring. Ross said this taught Bischoff a lesson about messing with DX and the finish put a smile on everyone's face.

WINNERS: Flair & Piper in 10:00. Decent match, despite how illogical it is that the heel referee doesn't just give the heels the win instead of risking injury with a possible ref bump, which happened again on this show. The finish was good for a laugh or two, but I don't think Big Dick's selling any tickets to house shows.

We welcome your 1-10 score and comments on this show for a "Raw Reax" feature in the Torch Feedback section of PWTorch.com. To contribute your thoughts on Raw, click here.

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