By James Caldwell, Torch columnist

WWE Raw Alternative Report
August 28 in Atlantic City, New Jersey

- We start with a recap of last week's DX-McMahons segment(s). After the video package went on and on, Shane McMahon walked out to the ring by himself. No dance from Shane tonight. Shane said Hunter and HBK's sophomoric pranks have hit a new low. He said they've disrespected and disgraced hollowed ground - WWE HQ. "You guys have gone too far because you've endangered my father, and, and, and our lives!" Shane said. He said Hunter ripped out a piece of Vince's heart. He said Vince tried celebrating his 61st birthday last Thursday, but all he could was hang out on the couch and mutter "DX" over and over. Shane said Vince took his advice to chill out in the hotel and skip the show. He said he's running the show. He booked DX in a tag match against a mystery tag team. Shane said neither DX nor the fans need to know who the opponents are. He said DX would also find out who their opponents are at Unforgiven at the September PPV. Shane said he's going to put DX straight to hell. Edge's music interrupted.

Edge and Lita walked out with their respective title straps...er...titles over their shoulders. Edge took the mic and said Shane needs to do something about what John Cena did to him last week. Edge demanded footage of Cena putting him in the drink last week. Ross and Lawler narrated the big splash. "I am the WWE Champion, you do not put your hands on the WWE Champion!" Edge screamed. "Shut up!" he said to the fans. Edge told Shane to fire Cena so he would be out of his life. Cena's music hit and the women and kids erupted in unison.

His music stopped and the mixed crowd reaction ensued. Cena told Edge to calm down because he doesn't want him out of his life yet. Cena said Edge shouldn't want him out of his life because then all the fans would remember the last image of Cena throwing Edge into the water. Cena asked Shane if he had ten bucks to get a happy ending from Lita. He did Shane's dance to insinuate a sexual act with Lita. No wonder she wants to move on. Cena pulled out a three-year contract straight from the desk of Teddy Long on Smackdown. He said he would be more than happy to sign the deal, but only if he takes the WWE Title with him. He told Edge he wanted one more match for the title and if he loses, he would be gone from Raw and sign with Smackdown. Edge said he would do it, but only under two conditions. 1) Not on Raw in "this dump. Boos from the crowd. 2) The type of the match. Edge named his match and Cena agreed to it. Cena began to leave, but Shane held him back and said he needs to learn some respect for the champion. Shane said he was booking Cena in a match. Cena took off his t-shirt and prepared to wrestle. Shane, Edge, and Lita left then Chris Masters's music hit. "Well, I'll be damned - it's the Masterpiece," Ross said. He said Masters was coming back from a sabbatical. Ah, yes, a "sabbatical." Masters did his usual pose and his robe looked two sizes too big. He was also sporting a goatee. "Leaner and meaner," Lawler said. Ah, yes, "leaner".

[Commercial Break]

1 -- JOHN CENA vs. CHRIS MASTERS

Cena hit a suplex out of the break. He landed a right hand then drove Masters to the corner. Masters caught him with a boot to the face. He continued to work over Cena while the males in the front row chanted, "Cena sucks." The kids responded with a shrill pro-Cena chant. Masters caught Cena off the ropes with a powerslam for a nearfall. He applied a Camel Clutch in center ring. Cena powered to his feet then hit a running shoulderblock off the ropes. He set up for the You Can't See Me spot, which drew boos and cheers. Cena hit the Five Knuck Shuffle then went for the FU, but Masters slipped out and hit a reverse DDT. Masters called for the Masterlock then stried to apply it, but Cena took him down into the STFU. Masters held on long enough for Edge to run into the ring with a chair and smash it over Cena's back. The referee called for the bell. The fans booed Edge. He went under the ring and pulled out a ladder. He slipped the ladder into the ring. "I know he's not going to clean out Cena's gutters," Ross said. Edge drove the ladder into Cena's face then smirked as he stood over Cena. Edge shook his head as if he wasn't done. Edge slipped a table into the ring. Chair, Ladder, Table. "I think you've made your point," Ross said. Edge set up a table in the corner then threw Cena into the table. The table collapsed with Cena sandwiched in between. Edge took the mic and said he decided the match would take place at Unforgiven in his hometown of Toronto. He said he also decided on a match Cena's never had and he's never lost - a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. Edge held up his WWE Title as he stood over Cena's fallen body. Ross said Cena has one last chance to win the WWE Title and it's going to be on Edge's home turf with Edge's hand-picked stips. "I don't like Cena's odds of this," Lawler said.

WINNER: Cena via DQ in 3:00. Nice segment to set-up the (expected) main event for the Unforgiven PPV. They stuck to and established the ole' formula of stacking the deck against Cena, which is fine.

- Sabu vs. Heyman is booked for an Extreme Rules match on ECW TV tomorrow night. Oh boy.

[Commercial Break]

- They recapped Edge's run-in during the Cena-Masters match. I hope TNA is paying attention to the all-important "reinforcement" part of TV storytelling.

- Ross and Lawler talked about Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy in a #1 Contender match to the IC Title and a "paddle on a pole" match between Torrie and Candice.

- Cade, Murdoch, Viscera, and Haas were yelling over each other while trying to convince Shane McMahon to book them in a match against DX. Shane told them to scram. Shane called up Vince on the cell phone and they went to a split screen. Vince was relaxing at the hotel with some wine. He said some food was coming. The hotel doorbell rang. He said it was room service. A rooster crowed somewhere. "They're not here?" Vince asked Shane over the phone, referring to DX. He found a wheeling cart that was covered by a white cloth in his room. Vince slowly removed the cloth and there were two roosters in two cages. I wonder if they're free range. Vince smelled something foul. Shane asked Vince what was going on. Vince nearly slumped to his knees as he stared at the rear end of one of the roosters.

- Carlito and Trish were walking backstage. Carlito said he wanted to talk to Trish privately. He said he got a WWE Mobile alert that read Lita said Trish is retiring after Unforgiven. He wanted to know if that was true. Trish said she didn't want people to find out about her retirement that way; she was going to make an announcement and make it official. "That no good bitch is in my business!" Trish said about Lita. Carlito calmed her down and said he supports her 100 percent. He said they need to say good-bye the proper way. He leaned in for the slow kiss with Trish. They held everyone's attention for a good ten seconds. They've done a nice job establishing Carlito as a strong babyface who is hooking up with the most desirable female in the company. Randy Orton ran into the picture out of nowhere and shoved Carlito into Trish, who was slammed into a wall. Orton slammed Carlito into the wall then walked off. Ross said, "That Orton is a piece of-" Lawler interrupted and cut Ross off. Carlito and Trish recovered on the floor.

[Commercial Break]

- Ross said he's shocked about Trish leaving. He said the story is on WWE.com and he suspects that Lita heard about the retirement plans and leaked the story. Let's hope this leads to a genuine, non-heel-interrupted ceremony for Trish, who has been the most successful diva the last five years.

2 -- CANDICE MICHELLE vs. TORRIE WILSON -- Paddle on a pole match

Ross said he was reading the FHM issue with Torrie on the cover on the airplane. He said Torrie was quoted that she likes it rough in the bedroom. Lawler wasn't sure what to say. Candice tried to get a jumpstart on scaling the turnbuckle for the paddle. Torrie cut her off. They exchanged attempts to scale the pole then Torrie dropped Candice to the seat of her...um...pants in the corner. She stripped off her schoolgirl skirt then went for the stinkface, but Candice bit her somewhere in the lower rear area. Candice hopped to her feet then retrieved the paddle to win the match. Afterwards, she told Torrie to spank her with the paddle. "I think Candice would rather be the spankee than the spankor," Ross said. They exchanged playful spanks afterwards.

WINNER: Candice in 2:00. It is what it is.

[Commercial Break]

- This Week in Wrestling was Summerslam on August 29, 1992. The voice-over man said over 80,000 fans packed Wembley Stadium. They recapped the Bret Hart-British Bulldog main event IC Title match. Sure seemed like a nice set-up for the Raw debut (outside of doing a run-in months ago) for Harry Smith. Ross said it's hard to imagine that match was 14 years ago.

3 -- RANDY ORTON vs. JEFF HARDY -- #1 Contender's match to IC Title

Ross said Ric Flair, "who is tougher than two-a-days," is not on the show this week following his match with Orton last week. Ross said Umaga put Kane on the injured list last week so they have to determine a new #1 Contender. Orton beat down Hardy with straight right hands after the opening bell. "Hardy, Hardy" the fans chanted. Hardy returned the punches then hit a double foot dropkick to the stomach. Hardy appeared to be going for a jawbreaker, but he opted to clothesline Orton over the top rope to the floor. Hardy hit the Whisper in the Wind splash onto Orton. Both men recovered on the outside.

[Commercial Break]

In the ring, Orton had a signature headlock on Hardy out of the break. Hardy slipped out and hit a back kick to the gut. Orton cleared to the outside then Hardy flew through the ropes with a suicide dive. Ross said wasn't sure which man was hurt worse. He said he'd be surprised if Hardy makes it to be an old man while he's in his rocking chair. Back in the ring, Orton applied another signature headlock. Hardy countered with a side suplex. He flew off the ropes with a flying forearm smash then hit successive clotheslines. Orton tried to counter with a dropkick, but Hardy split the legs with a drop kick to the crotch. Hardy went up top and hit a dropkick for a nearfall. Orton came back with a thumb to the eye followed by a fallaway back snap for a nearfall. Orton set up for a powerbomb, but Hardy countered with a huricanrana. He tried to run the ropes for a back splash, but Orton countered with a drop kick in mid-air. After scoring a nearfall, Orton took a neckbreaker. Hardy went up top and Orton slipped to the outside to avoid an apparent Swanton bomb. Carlito ran to ringside and shoved Orton into the ring. Hardy choked Orton then the referee turned around to reprimand Hardy. In the mean time, Carlito spit his apple into Orton's face. Orton stumbled backwards into the Twist of Fate. Hardy went up top and hit the Swanton Bomb for the win. Carlito smiled as he backed up the ring entrance.

WINNER: Hardy in 10:00. Slow early on, but a strong finish setting up Hardy for a program with Nitro and a probable Unforgiven match between Orton and Carlito.

- Hunter and HBK were backstage admiring the Vince (heart) rooster t-shirt. Shane and cops entered. We have Claudio Castognoli as a cop and the tallest man in the segment. Chardonnay! Hunter said the rooster bit was from the heart. HBK nodded his head in deep thought. Hunter said they thought Vince could relieve his stress by choking the chicken. Whoa. Shane told them to grow up. Hunter corrected Shane that his father needs to grow up because he forces people to kiss his ass on national TV and he hits on women one-third his age. He said Vince forced his own daughter to wrestle him in an I Quit match just days before he married the man with the world's largest penis. HBK cut him off then told Shane that what they're trying to say is that Vince's antics are well documented. He pulled out the Vince DVD for a shameless promotional plug. He told Shane they had two words for him. Shane wasn't amused.

[Commercial Break]

- They aired The Marine trailer again. This time, they had interviews with some of the actors.

4 -- SPIRIT SQUAD (KENNY & MIKEY w/Mitch, Johnny, and Nicky) vs. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN & EUGENE -- World Tag Title match

The Highlanders joined Ross and Lawler on commentary. They said they feel like they have a chance to win the belts in the tag division. Eugene sent Mikey to the outside with an atomic drop early on. The Squad ended up on the announce table and nearly in Ross's lap. Highlanders and Squad had a disagreement on the outside. Referee Marty kicked the Squad out of the ringside area when they shoved him to the floor. Mitch remained ringside, however. Marty followed up by giving the Highlanders the boot. With the outside participants cleared from ringside, Squad worked on Eugene in the ring. Kenny took off the turnbuckle pad from a natural corner. Duggan took a tag then slammed each legal Squadster. He went for the corner shoulder block, but the Squad moved and Duggan ate the exposed turnbuckle. Kenny rolled up Duggan from behind for the win. Afterwards, Umaga's music hit. He walked to the ring with Armando following close behind. Ross said we might have a Katrina-like tragedy on our hands. That's a distasteful line fed to him through the headset. Umaga attacked Eugene and Duggan in the ring. He did the running rear splash on Duggan in the corner. Eugene took the Samoan Spike to the throat. Armando said he didn't like Kane sticking his nose in Umaga's business so he was put out of commission last week. Armando said Umaga is the only monster in WWE.

WINNERS: Squad in 4:00 to retain the World Tag Titles. Blah match for a blah division. Squad needs to be broken up or be given a credible program.

- They plugged the DX vs. "two mystery opponents" match. The silhouettes of the two mystery men in the graphic look like Randy Orton and Steve Austin. Ross said Melina and Nitro were going to have a press conference in the next segment about Melina turning on Foley last week.

[Commercial Break]

- They recapped Foley kissing Vince's ass then Melina turning on Foley.

- Melina and Nitro walked to the ring. Ross said Foley is gone from Raw and the WWE after being fired last week. Ross asked how Melina and Nitro get their own press conference. Melina kissed Nitro's IC Title belt hanging from his pants. Nitro said it's obvious why Melina turned on Foley. He said she's standing next to Johnny Nitro, the IC champion, and everyone, including Foley, wants to be him. Nitro said he goes home, gets freaky with Melina, and cuddles with his IC Title. He said as much as little Mick tries, he never could be what he is to Melina. Nitro said fantasizing and dreaming is as close as anyone is going to get besides him. He went in for a kiss on Melina. "That's for me and not for you," he said. Nitro said Melina doesn't associate with quitters. Melina took the mic and everything went downhill. She said Foley is a quitter and an ass-kisser. She said he kissed McMahon's ass, the fans's ass, and her ass. She got lost as the fans chanted "boring." Melina said she was creeped out by Foley and he never could get her hands on her, even if he tried. She rambled and rambled about the same thing over and over. "This is a two-hour show here, folks," Ross said. Nitro told Foley to enjoy his 19th retirement. He told Foley to watch as his career takes off while he sits at his computer desk and complains on his little blog. Nitro said he is the future of sports entertainment. "No further questions," Nitro said. "I think all the press did was waive dollar bills at Melina," Lawler said. Ross said that was a sad press conference...because it was a self-promotion tape. Boy oh boy, this was not good.

- Ross discussed Kurt Angle's release from WWE. He plugged the WWE.com articles on Angle with quotes from WWE superstars and Vince McMahon. Ross said Angle is dealing with emotional and physical issues. He said WWE wishes Angle well in recovery.

[Commercial Break]

- Ross and Lawler plugged the WWE.com article on Trish's retirement. Lawler said Lita overhead a phone conversation Trish was having with her parents then she couldn't wait to leak the story to WWE.com. They rolled footage from earlier in the show when Orton attacked Carlito when he was sharing a moment with Trish.

5 -- LITA vs. MICKIE JAMES -- Women's Title match

Mickie shoved Lita to the mat before the opening bell. Lita told her to calm down. Mickie charged Lita, but she moved out of the way and sent Mickie to the outside. Mickie held her left knee. Either it was a heck of a sell job or she injured the knee. Lita worked on the knee for several moments. Ross and Lawler continued to discuss Lita leaking the story about Trish's retirement, as if they were using hidden language to rip Newsletters for covering Trish's plans to retire months ago. Mickie went for a roll up after Lita tried to use the title belt, but the referee was distracted. Lita was able to kick out when the referee finally made the count. She then rolled up Mickie and hook the ropes for additional leverage to win the match.

WINNER: Lita in 3:00 to retain the Women's Title. Another blah title match. Mickie has lost the edge to her character that led to her being cheered at WrestleMania 21 because of how great she portrayed her character on TV.

[Commercial Break]

6 -- DX (SHAWN MICHAELS & TRIPLE H) vs. ??? & ???

Hunter and HBK came out first and did their crotch chop ring entrance followed by the Michael Buffer intro. Hunter said Vince is feverishly choking the chicken in his hotel room right now. "I wonder if Mr. McMahon likes BBQ chicken," Ross interjected. That's a bad visual. Shane McMahon walked out and introduced Smackdown's Finlay, Regal, and Kennedy. Ooh goodie. Hunter gets to present the visual of Raw being the superior brand to Smackdown by beating Smackdown's default top heels in a handicap match.

[Commercial Break]

Regal kicked HBK in the gut out of the break. HBK fought out of the heel corner then Finlay took HBK to the outside and clotheslined him to the floor. The leprechaun jumped out from under the ring. Finlay slammed him onto HBK. Ross posed the obvious question: "How the hell did he get under our ring?" Back in the ring, Regal worked on HBK as Hunter tried to break up the offensive attack. Finlay took a tag and worked on HBK with right hands followed by a cannonball splash and trapezius vice. HBK fought out then avoided a corner splash. Finlay ran into the ringpost shoulder-first. Hunter encouraged HBK to make the tag. Regal took a tag from Finlay then Hunter took his hot tag. Hunter tossed Kennedy to the outside then hit a spinebuster on Regal. He followed with a Pedigree attempt, but Kennedy clotheslined Hunter. He went up top and went for a Sentaun splash, but Hunter moved out of the way. Hunter cleared him to the outside. Finlay held Hunter's arms behind his back then Regal missed with a chair shot and nailed Finlay. Hunter hit the Pedigree on Regal for the win.

WINNERS: DX in 7:00. See: formula handicap match from Smackdown three nights ago.

- Shane McMahon walked out and said he has two words: Big Show. Ross asked how Show was in the arena when he was supposed to be in Poughkeepsie, New York for an ECW house show. DX fought off Show with a double kick to the groin. Hunter went for a Pedigree, but Finlay entered the ring and nailed Hunter in the face with the shillelagh. Show pounded away on Hunter in the corner then Finlay smashed HBK in the stomach with the shillelagh. Show chokeslammed Hunter. He finished off HBK with a Cobra Clutch slam followed by a standing leg drop. Vince's music hit and he came to the ring with a lead pipe in his hand. He told everyone to scram. Vince decked Hunter in the head with a lead pipe. HBK was motionless on his stomach. Shane held up Hunter as Vince opened up Hunter's forehead with repeated pipe shots. Shane picked up HBK then Vince grabbed a camera from a cameraman standing on the apron. He smashed it over HBK's head. HBK came up bleeding from the forehead. Vince choked HBK with the camera cord. He choked Hunter with the pipe then ripped off his tie and gagged Hunter. Vince asked for the mic. He said this feud wasn't over until he says it's over. Vince said they would meet again in the ring, but this time with Big Show. He said it would be Hell in a Cell. Give Vince credit for making the word "Cell" sound interesting when he says it. HBK remained motionless the rest of the show while Hunter struggled to pull himself to a seated position near the ropes. Ross said this was a perverse act. Ross and Lawler discussed DX having their own death sentence.

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