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TV REPORTS
KELLER'S RAW REPORT 4/10: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of live show

Apr 10, 2006 - 10:03:00 PM
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By Wade Keller, Torch editor

WWE RAW REPORT
APRIL 10, 2006
MILWAUKEE, WISC.


-Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler, and Coach introduced the show. Styles announced that the main event of Backlash would feature Edge vs. Triple H vs. John Cena in a three-way.

-Edge walked to the ring with Lita to his full ring intro. He said because Hunter tapped out at WrestleMania and Cena tapped out last week, he is the odds on favorite to win. He said he was the most watched champion of the last five years (which really means nothing to the vast majority of viewers, but I'm in favor of him repeating it just to keep Triple H and Cena honest about their ratings power). He said it's time for fans to get used to him and said, "The champ is here!" Cena's music played and he walked out. He received a mix of cheers and boos. He thanked Edge for a wonderful introduction. Lita somehow manages to expose more of her breasts each week without ever going completely naked. Cena brought up Edge's claim of being the most watched champion. Cena said to set the record straight, he was only champ for two weeks, and the first week fans tuned in to see who beat him for the title and in the second week everyone tuned in to see him kick his ass. Cena said the fans want to see a repeat performance, based on their reaction. He offered to fight Edge. Edge, hiding behind Lita, said he hates the fans and they hate him. He said Cena, on the other hand, tries to win over the fans, yet "if they're over the age of seven, they despise you. How does that make you feel?" Cena said Edge is one to talk about controversy. He admitted there is a little unrest out there. He said it's because the fans know him too well. He said they see what he stands for now, but remember what he was. He said there's people out there who want to see a whole different side of him, "a side that is black, ruthless, evil, maniacal, crass, a little bit sexual." He got intense and then stopped himself and said if he goes that route, he ends up just like Edge. He was then bleeped. "But don't get me wrong," he said. "I'm glad all is not glorious in Chain Gang land. If everybody bowed down and told me how great I was, I'd probably buy my own hype. I might have an ego problem. I might come up with a nickname for myself, like maybe the King of Kings."

Out walked Triple H to his new intro music with the lyrics, "Bow down to the King of Kings." Triple H got in Cena's face and said nobody will ever mistake him for Cena. The crowd chanted "You tapped out" at Hunter. Hunter responded, "Apparently somebody told you all I care what you think." He told Cena the fans all respect him. Hunter again said he made a mistake taking him lately but it will never happen again. Cena was bleeped as he insinuated Edge and Hunter would make a great couple. Cena said he respects Hunter. He added that he doesn't like to make the same mistake twice. He said Hunter tried to Pedigree him last week. He asked if he wanted to try to make that mistake a second time. Cena took off his shirt. Edge walked between them and, dying for attention, said it's not just about them. He bragged about destroying Mick Foley. He said no one would ever see Foley in a WWE ring again thanks to him. He said he was the star of WrestleMania 22 and said Cena and Hunter are a joke if they think otherwise. Edge said he would prove his superiority to them right now, but he is still recovering from his WrestleMania injuries. Hunter asked, "Are you going to hang your hat on the fact that you beat Mick Foley? Let me get you up to speed. I did that six years ago." He said Foley is like one of those turds that just won't go away no matter how many times you flush the toilet. Hunter said it was obvious that Edge was getting upset with him. He said he talked to Vince McMahon before the show and found out what tonight's main event was. Hunter said Edge would have a chance to beat both of them at once because the main event was Cena & Hunter vs. Edge. He told Edge he could bring "the booby prize," looking at Lita. Lawler said Edge was okay with the handicapped match last week when he had a partner. Now he's not so crazy about it. Edge and Lita left. As Cena was about to leave the ring, Hunter asked him to stop and shake his hand. Instead, Cena slapped him, then bailed out of the ring. That was longer than usual for an opening segment on Raw, clocking in at 21 minutes.

[Commercial Break]

-They showed Triple H and Rob Conway crossing paths during the break. Conway got too chummy with Hunter, so Hunter slapped him.

1 -- ROB VAN DAM vs. ROB CONWAY

Conway was still nursing his jaw. RVD brought his Money in the Bank briefcase with him. Before the match started, Shelton Benjamin walked out with the IC Title over his shoulder and a dapper yellow outfit and sunglasses. Conway attacked a distracted Shelton, who joined the announcers at ringside. RVD came back with a spin wheel kick. Shelton said, "GQ is the word." Isn't it actually two letters? In fun irony, Shelton tripped up on this phrase, "Let's make it clear," mispronouncing (of all words) "clear." Shelton said he is the MVP of WrestleMania. RVD hit a flying sidekick off the ropes and then Rolling Thunder. He followed with the Five-Star Frog Splash to end it quick. They didn't give Shelton much time to talk.

WINNER: RVD in 1:30.

STAR RATING: 1/2* - Just a squash.

-RVD was interviewed on the rampway about Shelton's challenge of RVD to put his Money in the Bank contract up in a rematch. He asked RVD what he thought of the challenge. RVD said his answer is, "There's no way I'm putting up my Money in the Bank title shot just because Shelton Benjamin thinks he deserves it." He said instead, he has something for Shelton to think about it. He said he should put his IC Title on the line instead. RVD said when the time is right, he'll cash in the MIB contract and after that, he'll be the new World Champion.

-Maria interviewed Mickey James. She thanked Trish Stratus because if not for her, she wouldn't be champion. She said of all her WrestleManias, this has been the greatest by far. She said she can't wait to go back to Toronto and celebrate. Maria said, "You're not from Toronto. Trish is." Maria freaked and said, "Are you calling me a liar? You don't think I know where I'm from." Mickey offered Maria a shot at her title. Maria said that would be awesome. Mickey said, "100 percent Stratusfaction guaranteed."

-Lawler plugged scenes from the "See No Evil" horror movie starring Kane would be up next.

[Commercial Break[

-A trailer segment aired for "See No Evil" with the plot being explained. Kane said, "The director came to me and said you're a very good actor, a very convincing psychopath. I told him I wasn't acting." Good line. Release date is May 19.

-The Spirit Squad ran out with their signature high-energy level. Coach said this is the first time five men have been recognized as tag team champions at once. They cut backstage to Kane with whispers driving him mad, with voices saying, "May 19, it all happens again. Remember that date? May 19!" Big Show walked in and the voices stopped immediately. He said everything was okay. Apparently this is one of those ridiculous situations where we as viewers are suddenly able to hear what's going on inside Kane's head. At least that appears to be what they were implying was going on there.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- SPIRIT SQUAD (Nicky & Johnny w/the rest) vs. KANE & BIG SHOW - World Tag Team Title match

Show got oohs and ahhs from the fans and announcers when he chopped Mikey hard. They showed a close-up of the handprints on his chest. After Nicky took a beating, Johnny tagged himself back in. Nicky dropkicked Kane from behind. Kane reversed momentum and tagged in Show. Show head-butted Nicky to the mat, then stood on him in the corner. Styles gave Spirit Squad credit for lasting a few minutes against Show & Kane. Kane threw Nicky onto the other members of Spirit Squad.

[Commercial Break]

Spirit Squad dominated the match after the break with a five-on-one attack on Kane. Johnny and Nicky double-suplexed Kane. Kane sat up a couple seconds later. They continued to pound on him, and sent him over the top rope to the floor with a shoulder check. Kane beat up the ringside Spirit Squaders. Kane then shoved aside a ringside worker and began throwing chairs into the ring. Gosh, is Kane's mind microphone turned off? Why can't we hear what's going on his head now? The ref DQ'd Kane as he began chokeslamming various Squaders. Show walked up to Kane and told him to calm down. Kane shoved Show. Show told Kane he doesn't care what's going on in his head, don't shove him. Kane grabbed Show by the throat. Show struggled to break free, but couldn't. Kane eventually chokeslammed Big Show. They are putting Kane over as a huge monster headed into his movie premier in just over five weeks. Show eventually got up on his own. He was fuming mad.

WINNERS: Spirit Squad in 10:00.

STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Okay match. They did a nice job keeping things credible.

-They plugged the scheduled main event, then went to footage of Vince and Shane McMahon entering a church looking for Shawn Michaels's tag team partner.

[Commercial Break]

-Backstage, Cena said he and his tag partner are great friends. He was sarcastic. He said he doesn't mind making either of them tapout to him. Lame.

-They went to footage of Vince and Shane entering the church. Vince looked around like it was a place he had seen on TV before, but never seen in person before. Vince then said, "I've never been in a place like this before." He said he was told he can find Shawn Michaels's tag partner here. He had Shane sign in for them. Vince offered a credit card to Shane. Shane said it's cash only. "What kind of outfit are they running here," said Vince. Shane knew a lot about churches. Vince then imitated Triple H by spitting water out of his mouth. Vince called out for God. "God, it's me! Mr. McMahon. When you think about it, we have a lot in common. You created the world, I created the World Wrestling Entertainment," said Vince. He said on the seventh day he rested, whereas "I don't believe in taking a day off." He said that means he might have a stronger work ethic than he does. He read some phony commandments suck as "I shalt not cross my arms and shout 'suck it!'" He said Michaels broke all of his commandments and not even God can protect him. He said Shane would not recite a prayer. Shane read a prayer about fearing no evil other than Mr. McMahon and his tanned, well-toned body. Whose mighty grapefruits produced the semen that spawned me." Shane stopped there and said, "Dad, this is getting weird." Vince agreed he could stop. Vince then announced in the church that at Backlash, he will unleash the Apocalypse on him. He asked God to strike him down right there if he's lying. Shane took a step away from Vince at that point, which drew laughter from the crowd. Vince said, "In the name of Backlash, blessed be the name of Vincent K. McMahon." Weird. I'm sure a few people out there are offended, which is what Vince was going for.

[Commercial Break]

3 -- UMAGA (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. CHRIS KELLY (a/k/a ROH's Colt Cabana)

Armando rolled his "R" in his name to show Lilian how it's done. Umaga's hair was more kempt this week. They showed a clip before the match of Umaga attacking Ric Flair last week. They didn't show many close-ups of Cabana's face.

WINNER: Umaga in 1:30.

STAR RATING: 1/4* - Just a squash. Very old-style push of Umaga, with the WWF Superstars like ring entrance and squash win right out of the 1980s.

-The Smackdown Rebound aired.

[Commercial Break]

-Carlito said last week he went on a diet and lost about 275 pounds of dead weight named Chris Masters. He said this isn't about all the time he's wasted looking at himself in the mirror or all the times he was just a meathead. He said the fact is, Chris Masters is just not cool. Masters's music then played. Masters said he may have accidentally screwed him at WrestleMania, just as Carlito accidentally screwed him at New Year's Revolution and the Royal Rumble. Carlito said that was months ago and he doesn't remember. Masters said maybe at WrestleMania he messed up, but then again maybe he didn't. Carlito asked if he cost them a chance to win the tag titles at WrestleMania just to get even with him. He said it's as stupid as his Masterlock. Masters said if the Masterlock is so stupid, he could probably easily break out of it. Carlito said he was up for it. Masters bragged that Michaels, Kurt Angle, and Kane weren't able to break the Masterlock. Carlito brought a chair into the ring. Carlito sat down mid-ring. Lawler said it appears to be a big mistake on Carlito's part. Carlito threw his apple into the air. Masters caught it. Carlito then stood up and hit Masters with a chair from behind. Lawler asked if Masters just got outsmarted. Styles said he knows Backlash keeps getting more interesting.

[Commercial Break]

-They recapped the Chavo Guerrero angle from last week. Then they plugged that Jim Ross would interview Chavo next week. When did that J.R. guy get rehired, and if he's been rehired, why isn't he hosting Raw? Oh, the questions that riddle everyday WWE fans. Coach said Chavo's legacy will be a quitter.

4 -- MICKEY JAMES vs. MARIA - Women's Title match

Mickey imitated Trish's mannerisms in her ring entrance. Maria came out in very short shorts. They cut to a break right before the bell.

[Commercial Break]

They showed the announcers at ringside with foot long Subway sandwiches in front of them. Coach stole Styles's sandwich. Styles said normally it would be unprofessional to eat on the air, but someone was nice enough to deliver sandwiches to them. Strange product placement. Mickie missed a forearm off the ropes in the opening seconds. Maria kicked Mickey. Styles said Maria has done some training to be a wrestler, but is mainly an interviewer. Maria gave Mickey an Oklahoma Roll for a near fall. Styles said, "J.R. would love that!" Mickey reverse sidekicked Maria, then gave her the Mick Kick for the win. After the match, Trish Stratus came out to Mickey's music, dressed as Mickey, and imitated her. I'm so confused! Who's who? Trish said she wants to be just like Mickey. She held her arm in the air and then kissed her. Trish is an okay brunette, but is a better blonde. Styles said, "Things just get stranger and stranger." Mickey bailed out of the ring, looking as confused as my dog does when I wear a Halloween mask in front of her.

WINNER: Maria in 2:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4* -- Not much to it.

[Commercial Break - Did that commercial just try to sell guys their bodywash to remove the stench of having a drunken, ill-advised one night stand with a skanky slut? "Regret the hook-up?" Wow!]

5 -- TRIPLE H & JOHN CENA vs. EDGE (w/Lita)

Cena began against Edge. There was a "Cena sucks' chant early. Cena got in early offense as Hunter watched from the ring apron. A "She's a crack whore" started next. Hunter tagged himself in at 2:00, then told Cena to get out of the ring. Coach predicted Hunter won't tag Cena back into the match. Hunter punched away at Edge. Edge soon gained the advantage after Lita distracted Hunter. Edge gave Hunter a DDT at 6:00. Edge went for a spear, but Hunter stepped aside and gave Edge a spinebuster. Hunter crawled over to the corner and tagged Cena. Cena nailed Edge with a clothesline, then a back suplex. He did the 'You can't see me" bit and the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. Cena lifted Edge for an FU. Hunter entered and yanked Edge away and gave hi the Pedigree. Cena then gave Hunter an FU, then applied the STFU on Edge. Edge tapped out.

WINNERS: Cena & Hunter at 8:00.

STAR RATING: ** -- Solid main event tag match. Nothing monumental, but with several weeks to go before the next PPV, that's no shock. More of a maintenance show with a main event that didn't forward any major storylines, but further established where everyone stands. Good in that respect.


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