By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Raw review
January 9, 2006
Live from Hershey, Penn.
Aired on USA Network
Report by Dusty Giebink, PWTorch.com Raw Brand Specialist

Before I start the Raw Deal review, let’s go down to the studio for the pre-game show!



IRS: Welcome everyone to the Raw Deal pre-game report! On last night’s New Year’s Revolution PPV, Edge shocked the world by claiming his Money in the Bank title shot and beat an already battered and bloodied John Cena to become the new World Heavyweight Champion. Of course, we probably won’t get to talk about any of that show here, what with all the shenanigans that take place on this set.



IRS: And what on earth do you have on your hand? This is quite out of the ordinary for you.
Mountie: No it’s not! Triple H broke my hand a few weeks ago and used it against me at New Year’s Revolution! IIIIII aaaam the Big Shooooooow!
IRS: I thought yooooou were the Mooounnntieeeee!
Mountie: Get off my back, tax man.
IRS: Okay, fine. Adam Bomb and Giant Gonzalez, let's get down to business. What are you guys up to now? I know you were both practicing your lines before we went on the air tonight. Rather unsuccessfully, I might add.



Adam Bomb: Mom? What are you doing…
Giant Gonzalez: Listen to me! No son of mine is gonna screw up his lines on this Raw Deal pre-game show! You’re a Gonzalez!
Adam Bomb: Uh, actually, I’m a Bomb.
Giant Gonzalez: That’s right, you’re da BOMB! So start acting like it! Get your act straight before I drag you around the studio by your ear!

The show began with clips from last night’s New Year’s Revolution PPV. More specifically, the Elimination Chamber main event of John Cena vs. Carlito vs. Chris Masters vs. Kane vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle. They showed footage of some of the crazy bumps that took place therein. The clips shown made the match seem like something special, which it was. Michaels pinned Angle. Carlito and Masters teamed up to pin Kane. Carlito pinned Michaels. Carlito turned on Masters and pinned him after a low blow. Cena then immediately thereafter rolled up Carlito to win the match. After that, Vince McMahon came out and announced that Edge had elected to cash in his Money in the Bank title shot opportunity right then and there. Two spears later and we had ourselves a new World Heavyweight Champion.

John Cena made his way to the ring to start off the show right proper. Cena got a big mixed reaction from the crowd and he encouraged them to react as they saw fit. He reminded us all of what I just wrote, that Edge beat him for the belt last night on the PPV. He acknowledged that a lot of people out there have decided he sucks. He said, though, that there were also some fans who chose to still ride with him through the good times and the bad times. He quoted Allen Iverson, saying if there were a million people that liked him, there were 10 million people that didn’t like him. He told the “10 million” that hate him to kiss his ass. He said he would cash in on his rematch clause to try to get his title back on this show. Instead of Edge, however, Lita came out with the title draped around her shoulder, microphone in hand. She said Cena would get the opportunity to win the title back, but it wouldn’t be tonight. She said Edge had different plans for when Cena’s rematch clause would be invoked: the Royal Rumble. The only, uh, wrestling Edge would be doing on this show would be with her. And she guaranteed he would last longer during said “match” than the two minutes Cena lasted in their match last night. She said Edge knew what to do in bed, and unlike Cena, Edge knew what to do in the ring as well. Cena would surely find this out at the Royal Rumble. Cena cut her off. “Some people may think I suck, but everybody here knows that you do.” – John Cena. He said he would beat Edge’s ass at the Rumble, bank on it.

[commercial break]

Before the next match, Trish Stratus made her way to her the ring, but Mickie James, who was already standing in the ring, cut off the music and made the people give Trish a bigger reaction. They re-started the music and James was all, “That’s more like it,” even though I didn’t notice much of a difference in reaction. I was in a heavy metal band for awhile though back in high school, so that could have done long term damage to my hearing. But what have you.

(1) Ashley Massaro defeated Trish Stratus by disqualification. James hung around ringside for the match. They traded armlocks to start and Ashley worked a headlock into an armlock. Trish took her over with a fireman’s carry and got two. Trish took her over with a side headlock, but Ashley got out of it. They did some mat work and then Ashley planted Trish face-first into the mat as she was trying to do something off of the turnbuckles. James hit the ring during the pin attempt and went crazy on Ashley to cause for the DQ. Trish had to physically restrain James from continuing to go after Ashley. Trish didn’t approve of James’ actions, wanting to win or lose the match on her own accord. Ashley needs work, but looks amazing.

[commercial break]

We came back from break and were treated to a video package highlighting Rob Van Dam. He’s coming back, you know? At the Royal Rumble. Tremendous.

Backstage, Vince McMahon congratulated Cena on an extraordinary Chamber match last night and said it was too bad that he had to lose to Edge like that. He hyped up the Royal Rumble rematch for the title. Cena was great with his facial expressions here, cutting through the McMahon nicey nice crap. Vince then brought up the live sex celebration that might be coming up between Edge and Lita. It was the first time something like this was going to happen on a Raw. McMahon said that if Cena in any way interjected himself into that thing, he would lose the rights to get his rematch. Cena said not to worry because he would be watching intently just like everyone else.

Elsewhere backstage, Masters got in Carlito’s face and showed great aggression in being upset about Carlito turning on him late in the Chamber match. He said they worked well together in getting rid of Michaels and Kane, and that he was about to take care of Cena as well with his masterlock. Carlito maintained it was an accident. You see, they will be teaming up together later in the show to take on Angle and Michaels, so they have to get along but it doesn’t look like that will work out.

[commercial break]

(2) Chavo Guerrero defeated Rob Conway. This was a Royal Rumble qualifying match. Conway hit a shoulder tackle to start things off and Chavo made like he was really impressed with it. He wasn’t, though, because he immediately went to work on hammering away on Conway. Chavo hit a clothesline and a kick to the gut, then skinned the cat but Conway caught him with a knee that sent him reeling to the outside. Conway rammed Chavo into the side of the ring and then into the barricade before chucking him back into the circle of squareness. Chavo moments later hit an enziguiri that sent Conway to the outside. Chavo then hit a pescado on Conway on the outside. Chavo hit a headscissors and then did the punches in the corner bit. He hit a standing dropkick for a two count. Conway caught him with a boot in the corner and then rolled through on a Chavo crossbody for a two count. Conway hit a neckbreaker and then mocked Eddie Guerrero’s old chest pounding routine. Chavo responded by paying tribute to his uncle by hitting the three amigos vertical suplexes. Guerrero then hit the frog splash to get the pinfall victory. Chavo got a real good reaction from the crowd for his efforts.

[commercial break]

They aired a WrestleMania Big Time Moment, going back to last year’s Mania, where Edge won the Money in the Bank ladder match to earn the title shot he claimed last night at the PPV. He nailed Benoit in the arm with a chair to thwart his efforts, and win the match for himself. The announcers then talked about his victory over Cena last night.

Backstage, Angle confronted Michaels. Angle said that last night he had Cena ready to tap out but Michaels came out of nowhere and nailed him with the sweet chin music. Michaels reminded him that neither of them came out of the match with the World Title. Michaels said that while last night they were opponents, tonight they were going to be tag team partners. He wanted to know if he could trust Angle. Angle said the gold medal proved his integrity. He said the real question was whether he could trust Michaels. Angle said he would show zero tolerance for Michaels’ actions on tonight’s show.

Elsewhere backstage, Shelton Benjamin was walking with his mama. They came upon Val Venis. She introduced herself to him, saying she’s seen him in a movie or two somewhere. Venis listed off some of his adult movies, and mom immediately backed off on her claim to have seen his flicks. She walked ten blocks to go three in challenging Venis to a match tonight for her son Shelton.

They introduced Masters and Carlito for the upcoming tag team match. The two heels teased whether they could get along or not. Actually, Carlito made like he didn’t want the Masterpiece to kill him for what he did last night, which is smart.

[commercial break]



IRS: Whew, what a thrilling show! Not that I’d be able to tell, having to sit in this studio with these nut jobs. Wait a minute. Mountie, what happened to your hand? Aaa... and Gonzo, what happened to yours?



Mountie: That big goof stole my cast! Look at him! He thinks it’s a hand-puppet or something! He thinks he’s people!
IRS: Ugh. Guys, do you have anything worthwhile to add? I doubt it.



Adam Bomb: Yeah, keep this nut away from me! He’s almost smacked me twice with that monstrosity.
Giant Gonzalez: Weeeeelll... well I'm the Big Giant Gonzalez! I’m gonna eat your food all night looong! Well I’m the Big Giant Gonzalez! I wear this fuzzy suit all right, lorrrrd!

(3) Chris Masters & Carlito defeated Shawn Michaels & Kurt Angle. Michaels and Angle argued about who was going to start the match, and so Carlito and Masters jumped them to start the match off. Angle battled back on Masters with some forearms and such and then tossed him to the outside. We were left with Michaels and Carlito in the ring. Lawler did a great job of putting over how none of the men in this match are at 100 percent after the beatings they took in last night’s Elimination Chamber match. That match and its happenings are also a good part of why neither team can probably trust each other. In any event, there’s a match going on. Angle tagged in and worked a headlock on Carlito on the mat. Angle took Carlito over with the quickest fireman’s carry Joey Styles has ever seen and went back to the headlock.

Carlito caught Angle with a boot in the corner but Angle immediately retaliated with a big time clothesline and tagged Michaels back in. Michaels chopped away at Carlito in the corner. Carlito caught Michaels with his head down and nailed a big boot to the face. Masters tagged in but immediately tasted some of Michaels’ chops. Angle tagged in and worked an armlock on the mat. Masters managed to take Angle down and then pounded away on him in the corner. Angle battled back and hit a big forearm to drop Masters. Masters countered with a powerslam and then made like he was going for the masterlock. Angle countered out of it and hit a German suplex. Angle charged at Masters but Masters got out of the way and Angle hit shoulder-first on the ringpost. Carlito then disposed of Michaels to the outside as well. Outside the ring, Angle and Michaels jawed at each other. Angle wondered aloud how they were going to make this work, and there was much bickering as they cut to break.

[commercial break]

The match continued with Carlito kicking and punching away on Angle in the corner. Angle ducked a clothesline and went for a German suplex, but Carlito flipped out of it. Angle finally did hit a suplex on Carlito as Styles dubbed him (Angle, not Carlito) a wrestling machine. Angle made the desert crawl over to his corner and hit the Scarlett Johansson tag to Michaels. Michaels was on 12 different kinds of fire here, taking out both Carlito and Masters. He tossed Carlito over the top rope and to the floor. Michaels slammed Masters down and then went up top for an elbow drop. Michaels went to tune up the band, but Masters grabbed hold of the referee, which allowed for Carlito to trip Michaels up and crotch him on the ringpost. Viva chicanery. Masters crawled over to his corner and tagged Carlito in. Carlito immediately made a cover but only got two. Carlito hit a nice standing dropkick on Michaels for a two count. The fans rallied behind Michaels with an “HBK” chant. Carlito hit his innovative backbreaker move where he jumps on his opponent’s back, and then pulls them down so they land on his knees. Michaels hit a desperation backdrop out of nowhere and both men were down. Michaels made the same desert crawl Angle made earlier, but then Angle and Daivari went over to a neutral corner together to jaw with some fans or something.

Very important business, to be sure, or else Angle wouldn’t have done it. This allowed for Masters to tag in, and then hit a big press slam on Michaels. Masters signaled for, with much gusto I might add, his masterlock, but Michaels managed to avoid it. Michaels hit a desperation DDT and then made another crawl to his corner, but Angle decided this was the perfect time to consult with Daivari about his gold medal. Michaels had enough of this, dragged Angle into the ring and gave him some sweet chin music. Masters was like, “Okay, if I don’t get to put Michaels in the masterlock, Angle will do,” and then did just that. Michaels waved bye bye to Angle from the apron as Masters took him to dream land. On the outside, Daivari got in Michaels’ face about abandoning his partner, and so Michaels gave him some sweet chin music as well. Finally, the referee ruled that Angle was out from the pain of the hold and awarded the match to Carlito and Masters. Angle played damsel in distress in the ring as Michaels made his way to the back. They either face each other on next week’s show, the Royal Rumble or WrestleMania. Maybe some combination thereof. Place your bets… now!

[commercial break]

Backstage, McMahon came upon Michaels. He noticed that Michaels was busted up, not as bad as he was last night, but he was still a mess. He admonished Michaels for leaving Angle all by himself out there, and wondered if that was the old Shawn Michaels, the guy that looked out only for himself. He said he could be trusted to make the very best matches on the very best Raws possible, week after week. With that in mind, it was going to be Michaels vs. Angle on next week’s show. He said their series was tied up at one win apiece, and so they’d moving on to match number three next week. He then helpfully suggested that Michaels get himself checked out because of his face.

Todd Grisham was standing by with Triple H backstage. This is the exact same spot in the show Hunter gave an interview on last week’s show. He said on last night’s show, the guy that held the belt for nine months and no one thought could be beaten was beaten by a guy that wasn’t even in the title picture a week ago. He said the whole world might have gone loco, except for one thing: him. He said he was the one constant in the wrestling world, because whenever he said he would do something, he did it. He said he would beat the Big Show last night, and he did it. Therefore, he had some more saying things to do. He said he would win the Royal Rumble and go on to WrestleMania to regain the World Title. He didn’t care if it was Edge who had the belt, or Cena who had the belt, he would beat that person to get his belt back.

They aired the a quick clip of Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle and Victoria rolling around in the hay underneath the covers on the bed that would be used in Edge’s live sex act coming up later in the show with Lita. They then aired footage of the interview Edge gave after last night’s PPV. During said interview, he talked about how he worked his ass off for 14 years to become the WWE Champion, and so he was going to celebrate in the way he wanted. That way was having “live torrid sex” with Lita in the ring during this show. He held his belt aloft like he was He-Man. Does that make Lita Cringer?

[commercial break]

They aired a segment promoting Stacy Keibler’s presence on the Dancing with the Stars television show. She and her partner did pretty well in their performance. It ended up with my boy, ESPN funny man Kenny Mayne, getting eliminated. I must cry rip off! Master P was worse.

(4) Shelton Benjamin defeated Val Venis. This was another Royal Rumble qualifying match. Benjamin started things off by pounding away on Venis in the corner. Venis fired back with some punches and chops. Benjamin rolled to the outside and sought comfort behind his mama. Venis went out to get him and Benjamin rolled back into the ring to avoid him. Back inside, Benjamin caught Venis coming in with a knee. Benjamin slammed him down and then hit a forearm to the back. The two men exchanged punches and then Venis got the upper hand with some chops. Venis hit some more punches and a back elbow and such. Venis got a small package for a two count. Venis ducked a spin kick and hit a spinebuster. Venis went up top for the money shot, but Benjamin moved out of the way. Benjamin got a rollup for a two count. Venis got a rollup of his own for a two count moments later. Venis was prone on the ropes as Shelton’s mama stabbed him in the butt with a hair pin. This allowed for Benjamin to hit the exploder for the pinfall victory. That was, uh, unique. End this storyline.

[commercial break]

(5) Kane defeated Gene Snitsky. This was still another Royal Rumble qualifying match. Snitsky jumped him immediately and pounded away. He screamed real loud as he delivered a big boot on Kane. Kane immediately retaliated with a big boot of his own. Kane then hit a sideslam and went for the chokeslam. He caught Snitsky with it and that was it. I am very sad that Snitsky won’t be in the Rumble.

After the match, Kane said that was just the first casualty in his path to WrestleMania. He said there would be 29 more at the Royal Rumble, and they would all be his victims. He then cackled maniacally and they started up his music. Nice touch.

Outside the arena, they showed new champion Edge arriving at the arena. Lita was there to meet him. Since Cena is forbidden from interfering in the festivities and we haven’t seen him yet, I’m going to say this is where Ric Flair gets involved in things.

[commercial break]

“The champ is here!” – Edge. He said the best part was that no one saw it coming. He said everyone who liked to think they could predict everything that was going to happen were proven wrong when he won the title on last night’s show. Well, I can think of one person that wasn’t particularly surprised. He said that all six men pretty much killed themselves in the Elimination Chamber, when all he had to do was cash in his Money in the Bank title shot opportunity and take advantage of the situation. He said in order to get ahead in the wrestling business, you had to be the smartest guy out there. He said like a thief in the night, he snuck in and took everything he wanted. He said before he went any further, he wished to reminisce about his past achievements. They aired a video highlighting Edge’s career up to this point, to the tune of Staind’s “Right Here.”

Edge said that after watching that, he had to admit he was awesome. He said he and Lita abstained from any sexual gymnastics last night because they were saving themselves for this here live sex act on Raw. And with that, he and Lita began the act of stripping off their clothes. “You should tell Edge’s shorts it’s not polite to point!” – Lawler. Edge then proceeded to de-bra Lita, who then hid under the covers. I cannot believe I’m typing any of this. Edge laid on top of her and chucked the bra into the air. They got under the covers as Lawler assumed he was going down south. They black screened for a second and then Edge came up with panties in his mouth. They continued their reindeer games for a few more seconds or minutes or I don’t know what, until Ric Flair came out and called Edge a disgrace to the WWE Championship. Flair said it takes blood, sweat, tears and years to prove to the people that you are championship quality. He said Edge has proven tonight to be a bad champion and dead in the bed. “You got nothing going on, Jack!” – Flair. Flair said he was going to show Edge how to do it and made like he was coming after Lita. Flair has enough charisma for ten men. Flair deposited Edge to the outside, but there Edge was able to plaster Flair with a steel chair and open him up again. Edge cleared off the announce table and then propped a chair on it. He laid Flair face-first on the chair and then went and got another one. He hit a one man conchairto on Flair and Flair was pretty much dead the rest of the segment. Edge made like he was going to give him another one but Cena came out of nowhere and chased Edge into the ring and then out of the ring. Edge managed to take his newly won title with him but fell on his butt at the top of the stage. Cena challenged Edge to come back in and fight him, and then realized Lita was still in the bed. Lita hid under the covers, so Cena took a peak. His verdict was that she wasn’t too bad. Cena pulled the covers off but it was revealed that Lita had put on Edge’s shirt in the meantime. Cena figured if Edge wasn’t coming back into the ring, he might as well just give Lita an F-U and so he did.



IRS: Well, what a great edition of Raw that was! Or whatever, I don’t know. Go ahead and read Dusty’s review to find out. Guys, what were your opinions on it?



Mountie: …
IRS: What, are you not talking to me now? Just because I took your cast away? You were acting like children with that thing!
Mountie: …
IRS: Whatever. Adam? Giant? Any thoughts?



Adam Bomb: He's such a jerk sometimes!
Giant Gonzalez: I know, man, I know... look, we'll get another cast so you can play with it too, OK? Keep your chin up, partner.



IRS: Oh my god, you guys, grow up. Anyway, see everyone next week.
Mountie: *cough* Ass *cough*

Final Show Grade: 7.0. In many ways, this show felt like a late ‘90s edition of Monday Night Raw. Simply put, there was a lot of stuff going on, and they went out of their way to be as edgy and controversial as they possibly could. If anyone could have firmly entrenched Cena as the babyface in spite of the ongoing negative sentiments towards him, it was going to be Edge and Lita’s sleazebag act. By the end of the show, many of the fans whose instinct it was to cheer Edge and boo Cena were turned around due to the happenings during the show. I could probably go the rest of my lifetime without seeing a simulated sex act on a wrestling show again, by the way. It’s time for WWE to put up or shut up when it comes to promises of such things on their show. Meanwhile, Cena might not be the second coming of Steve Austin, but there are some parallels. Austin was Wrestler of the Year in 1997 without coming near the World Title. If Cena is booked right in the coming months, he won’t need the belt either.

Edge and Cena got the kind of heat that not many people in WWE could get these days. If WWE is headed for another boom period this year or next, it will be those two among the top names leading the way. Edge has really come a long way in the last year, to the point where his character is great (the kind you can’t wait to boo) and he has turned in some stellar performances on the microphone as well. Cena is still largely unrefined, but now they have time to work on it without him being the focus of the company. Speaking of which, as per usual, Triple H looms in the background. I wouldn’t mind seeing him win the Rumble and then the title at Mania because it’s been so long since he’s held the belt. I also don’t think it would be such a bad idea to turn Hunter babyface for his (possible) impending match against Edge. Especially considering he’s basically a babyface now, cutting babyface promos and getting positive reactions from the live crowds. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out in the coming weeks and months, what with how a lot of people still think Cena will win it back at the Rumble.

A couple weeks in, and I am already beyond tired of the Shelton Benjamin’s mama storyline. WWE needs to realize they should punish their wrestlers, if they so choose, by fining them or taking them off of TV for a certain length of time or anything other than coming up with crappy storylines that punish the viewers as much as the participants. And while I appreciated the thought of having three matches that would normally have had no reason being on TV given the added emphasis of being Rumble qualifying matches, that was negated slightly by the fact that no one really believed Rob Conway, Val Venis and Gene Snitsky were viable options for entering the Rumble match. Unless, of course, you’re a not so thinly veiled mark for the big guy, but I don’t know anyone like that. Moving right along…

Welcome back, RVD. It’s time to get buried some more!

Dusty Giebink misquoted himself when he predicted in Sunday’s column that it would be the Seahawks vs. the Bengals in the Super Bowl. He meant to say Seahawks vs. Patriots. He welcomes any questions, answers, comments or concerns you may have, and can be contacted at dusty13@gmail.com.

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