TV REPORTS 10/31 WWE Raw review: Dusty Giebink’s Raw Deal report
Nov 1, 2005 - 1:28:00 AM
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By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor
WWE Raw review
October 31, 2005
Live from Anaheim, Calif.
Aired on USA Network
Report by Dusty Giebink, PWTorch.com Raw Brand Specialist
Before I start the Raw Deal review, let’s go down to the studio for the pre-game show!
IRS: Welcome everyone to the latest edition of the Raw Deal Pre Game Report! I’m your host, Irwin R. Schyster, and joining me are The Mountie, Adam Bomb, and Giant Gonzalez. I have to say, right off the bat, I enjoyed stepping in and doing the Smackdown review reports for a change, but it’s nice to be back in my old familiar stomping grounds. Guys, what are you looking forward to on tonight’s show?
Giant Gonzalez: I am still very angry about having to do the Friday night broadcast! I missed out on a really hot date I had set up. Adam Bomb: Okay, you imbecile. I don’t believe that for a second, but to humor you and entertain the readers, let me pretend you are telling the truth. Who was this date supposed to be with? Giant Gonzalez: You don’t believe me? That makes me very angry! Don’t make me stalk after you very slowly, while trying not to fall over! Adam Bomb: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
IRS: And, okay! Mountie, what are your thoughts on the show? Mountie: The main event is going to be John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels. Gee, WWE! Are you telling the Mountie that he is supposed to be voting for Michaels in the Triple Threat title match at Taboo Tuesday? The Mountie wonders! IRS: And I’m wondering when the Mountie became the Rock… Mountie: One more word about that, and you will taste my shock stick! Because the Mountie, he always gets his man! IRS: In any event, let’s go down to the ring to start things off!
The show began with us forgetting the lies and the money, and then Coach and Jerry Lawler welcomed us to the show. California is the new Texas, apparently. We are on Taboo Tuesday Eve, you see, and we could be in for many tricks and treats on this very show. That might have been lame, but not really as lame as having a wrestling show without a play-by-play announcer calling the action.
General Manager Eric Bischoff came onto the scene to start things off right proper. Coach was dressed like “Stone Cold” and faux guzzled a couple beers as Bischoff was making his way to the ring. Chris Masters was out there with him. Bischoff said at Taboo Tuesday, Raw would prove its dominance over Smackdown in the inter-promotional tag team match. But first, Raw would prove its dominance over Smackdown in the form of a Masterlock Challenge contest between Masters and Smackdown super duper star Rey Mysterio. Teddy Long be-bopped his way down to the ring, and Lawler said Halloween is one of the only nights of the year Long can actually look normal. Mysterio then came out and Masters did not appear overly impressed by his presence.
Masters said he didn’t think Mysterio would meet his challenge and then made a hilarious, hilarious comment about Mysterio’s height. Mysterio said he had no questions regarding the Masterlock Challenge, but rather, he had a statement: He smacked Masters in the head with the microphone. Mysterio went to work on Masters in the corner, and Bischoff called for reinforcements. Long countered by calling his troops (JBL, Christian, Hardcore Holly, Matt Hardy) out as well. Gene Snitsky was run off in short order, which made me very sad. Masters tasted a 6-1-9 and headed for higher ground himself. Long on the microphone said that no matter who the fans vote in, Smackdown would come in and embarrass the Raw wrestlers on their own turf. Belee dat, playa. Bischoff and his wrestlers (including Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Edge and Kerwin White) were angry and yelly from the ramp to close out the segment.
We came back from break with Bischoff chewing out his wrestlers backstage. Bischoff said he knows it was just supposed to be Mysterio, but it sure didn’t end up that way. He demanded his wrestlers win the interpromotional tag team match at Taboo Tuesday, because he couldn’t live with losing to Teddy Long at anything.
(1) Kurt Angle defeated Tajiri. Before the match, they aired clips from last Monday’s show, where Kurt Angle defeated John Cena with Bischoff acting as the special guest referee. You see, just as Cena was about to tap out to the anklelock, Bischoff accidentally grabbed his hand, and it made it look like he was pulling Cena’s arm down to cause the submission. I have a trained eye for spotting that type of thing. And then the greatest thing that has ever happened, uh, happened: the cameras cut to a man in the crowd dressed as a hot dog. This is the best show ever. Okay, the match. Angle hit Tajiri with a snap suplex for a two count. Angle hit a backbreaker and just generally took his time in the match. Tajiri fought back with some chops, but then ran into a belly-to-belly suplex. Angle locked in a bodyscissors and then pulled at Tajiri’s face, causing for even more punishment. Tajiri tried fighting his way out of it with some chops, but seconds later, Angle was back on the offensive. Angle pounded away on Tajiri in the corner, but ran into a boot in the opposite corner. Tajiri hit a big kick, but was too hurt to immediately make the cover and only got a two count. Tajiri hit a dropkick to the face and then, moments later, the tarantula. However, Angle reversed out of that and applied the anklelock for the submission victory.
After the match, Angle got on the microphone and ran down Cena. He said he didn’t care who the third person was in their Taboo Tuesday match, because he would be walking out of that match with the WWE Title. He said he beat Cena three times: At Unforgiven, three weeks ago on Raw, and just last week on Raw. He said he enjoyed last week’s win so much, he wanted to see it again, and they played it on the big screen. Cena would have none of this, however, and came out to brawl with Angle in live time. He ran Angle off very quickly and showed great intensity. Gee, I wonder why Angle’s voice is so low now. He must have a cold.
We came back from break with Coach showing off his costume. Coach even had a reddened neck to match his “Stone Cold” attire. Lawler said Austin reckoned Coach would be a vampire for Halloween, because of how he sucked.
They aired a video package promoting the Ric Flair vs. Triple H match for Taboo Tuesday. They were best friends forever, but now not so much. As such, they will battle each other in a wrestling match. Back to live time, and Ric Flair came out to cut a promo. He said the Game wasn’t going to be over, and indeed had just begun. “Hunter, I have kissed your ass for so long, tomorrow night I’m going to kick it!” Good line. He said he hoped tomorrow’s match was a cage match, so you know it will be, and then gave a bunch of whooo’s to send the crowd home happy. Short, but good.
(2) Eugene defeated Rob Conway by disqualification. They showed clips from this past week’s Heat (which is now exclusively on WWE.com), with Conway taking on the Birdman, Koko B. Ware, and then dishing out a little punishment to Eugene as well. Eugene attacked him to start the match. He was really upset about how Conway has treated some of his heroes lately. The action spilled to the outside, where Conway tried to grab a chair. Eugene deterred that, however. Back in the ring, though, Conway was able to regain the upper hand. He kicked away at Eugene and then hit a back elbow. Conway punched at Eugene in the corner but ran into an elbow on a charge. He was able to regain momentum right after, however. Coach was nice enough to send out well wishes to Jim Ross sitting at home. “You know the Coach cares!” Eugene hulked up, did the finger point and then won a battle of punches. He went for the stunner, but Conway blocked it, but then hit the Rock Bottom. It got a two count before Conway got his foot on the ropes. Conway then nailed Eugene in the head with a steel chair to cause for the disqualification. After the match, he pasted Eugene some more with the chair.
All the sudden, Hacksaw Duggan, Kamala and Superfly Snuka came out and took their turn taking care of Conway. Lawler revealed his costume to be a Burger King mask, and then Superfly hit a big splash on Conway off the top rope. Burger King came into the ring and hit his patented fist drop on Conway and celebrated with Snuka, Duggan and Kamala to end the segment. I pray that Kamala wins the fans’ vote, but I will be happy with any of those choices. It should be noted that I was wearing my own Burger King mask while typing up this part of the show review. Thank you, reader Jared Vogele!
Backstage, Todd Grisham was dressed as old Cubs announcer Harry Carey. He did a dynamite Carey impersonation while trying to interview Gregory Helms. Helms just walked off. Mick Foley came onto the scene and said that he heard Carlito had a surprise for him, so he was in the production truck to prepare a little surprise for Carlito. He then complimented Grisham on doing such a good Church Lady impersonation. Nice.
Carlito was in the ring for a promo as we came back from break. He said that tomorrow night on the PPV, he had no idea if he would be facing Dude Love, Mankind or Cactus Jack. But he does know that when the match is over, Mick Foley will be defeated. The only face the people need to be concerned with is his. And with that, they showed a thing on the big screen showing the three faces of Foley. First, we had Dude Love promising Carlito no mercy. Then, we had Cactus Jack saying he had no idea what he would do to Carlito at the PPV, except to cause him great pain. And then, we had some basic Mankind-onomics.
Oh Carlito, oh Carlito
What you did last week wasn’t cool or neat-o
So I guess I’ll have to make you bleed-o
Like Rocky and Apollo Creed-o
On Mankind’s two fists you’ll feed-o
As if they were two giant Cheetos
Or if you’re in the mood for cotton tacos
Say hello to Mr. Socko
And when the match is over, complete-o
There will be skid marks in your speedos
Have a nice day!
And then, in the most awkward transition I have ever seen, Coach got on the microphone immediately thereafter, told Carlito not to worry about which face of Foley showed up, and then called out Austin for when they came back from break. Weird stuff.
IRS: And welcome everyone to the half time report! Just as WWE likes to leave little cliffhangers such as whether Austin will meet Coach’s challenge, we like to come up with cliffhangers of our own. And I can think of no better way to do that than to cut the show review in half right at this point. Giant Gonzalez, what did you think of the show thus far?
Giant Gonzalez: I don’t really have any thoughts on the show. Adam Bomb: Do you people want to know why Giant Gonzalez is so speechless? Why he has nothing to say right now? It’s because I have taken no notes on the show this week, so he can’t steal any of my lines! Notch one up in the win column for Adam Bomb, baby! Giant Gonzalez: I will pound you!
IRS: Goodness gracious. As we try to separate those two maniacs, and get people to finally pay their fair share of taxes for a change, I will toss things over to the Mountie. Mountie, your thoughts please. Mountie: It was nice to see Duggan, Snuka, Kamala and Lawler all in the ring like that. It make me look young and sprightly by comparison! IRS: Sprightly is the word of the day, and let’s get back to the ring!
We came back from break with Coach in the ring calling out Austin. He said the reason Austin wasn’t coming out tonight was because he knew Coach wouldn’t be showing up alone tonight or at the PPV. So, if it would make Austin come out sooner, he would put all his cards out on the table right away. Out came Goldust. You cannot make this stuff up. Like, believe me here. I used to completely make up what was happening on Velocity, so I didn’t have to watch the shows while doing the reviews. I am not making this up. Sadly, it would only get weirder from here. Coach pointed out Austin’s history with Goldust, including stuffing him in a porta-potty one time. (Ah, the good old days.) He said they were going to go to the back to get Austin if he didn’t come out to them, but then Vince McMahon came out instead. He said he had it on good authority that Austin was involved in some sort of accident this past weekend that would prevent him from appearing on tonight’s show or on the PPV. McMahon said that while it was possible Austin really was in an accident, it was also possible that Austin was just plain afraid of the Coach. He said that before Coach got too celebratory, he did promise Coach in action at the PPV, and therefore he found a replacement opponent for him from Smackdown.
Since Coach was the number one announcer on Raw, he would have to contest with the number one announcer on Smackdown: Funaki. “Sick ‘im! Get him, Funaki!” – Vince McMahon. Okay, that was great. Goldust immediately laid waste to Funaki, eventually hitting the curtain call and kicking Funaki out of the ring. McMahon applauded Coach and Goldust’s efforts. Coach bragged about being able to handle a lot bigger competition than Funaki and said that if anyone on Smackdown wanted to face him, he’d be happy to oblige. McMahon said that the first Smackdown wrestler to step forward would be granted the match. With that, Batista’s music hit. He came to the ring as Coach had a mini-stroke. Batista, all calm, cool, and collected, took off his suit coat and rolled up his sleeves. Coach sucker punched him, but that only served to annoy Batista. Goldust cut him off and put the boots to him when all the sudden, Vader came out. I don’t want to say Vader has bulked up recently, but someone needs to confirm to me that Kamala is okay, because Vader might have eaten him before coming out to the ring. Vader held Batista for Coach to insult him to his face and then laid out Batista. Outside the ring, Vader fell, which was the moment of the night for sure. Batista played wounded animal to set up the inevitable butt kicking that will likely come at the PPV.
They aired a video package promoting their recent Australian tour, with wrestlers talking about how great it was to be there and stuff like that. I like these segments.
(3) Triple H defeated Viscera. So that match that was supposed to happen last week, but didn’t? Here it is. Please note that Triple H’s ring entrance lasted longer than the match itself, which is not a bad thing. It was nice to see that in introducing Viscera, Lilian Garcia didn’t show any resentment towards him. Maybe she forgot that angle, too. Triple H jumped him to start the match and pounded away on the 500-pound love machine. Hunter punched at him and then gave him one sloppy pedigree for the pinfall victory. Short, which is good.
After the match, Hunter took out Viscera with the 60,783 pound steel ring steps, just to put an exclamation point on things. He got on the mic and said that Flair knows better than anybody how many bad things he’s done in his life. He said he takes responsibility for all his actions, but will not be held responsible for the things he does at Taboo Tuesday. It’s doing to be disturbing, it’s going to be brutal, but it’s going to happen. And not because he wants to, mind you, but because he has to. It’s who he is. It’s who Ric Flair used to be. Solid mic work there, as well.
Coach and Lawler ran down the lineup for Taboo Tuesday: Triple H vs. Ric Flair in either a one fall to a finish match, submission match or a steel cage match; Carlito vs. either Dude Love, Cactus Jack or Mankind; Eugene and either Kamala, Hacksaw Duggan or Superfly Snuka vs. Rob Conway & Tyson Tomko, Edge & Chris Masters vs. a combination of JBL, Christian, Matt Hardy, Rey Mysterio and Hardcore Holly; a Divas battle royal that will include either lingerie, leather and lace, or cheerleader outfits; Coach (w/Vader, Goldust) vs. Batista in either a verbal debate, an arm wrestling contest or a street fight. Coach wishes it was for the WWE Championship; Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. the two losers of the voting for the World Title match (some combination of Shawn Michaels, Kane and Big Show); and John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. either Shawn Michaels, Kane or Big Show.
Backstage, Todd Grisham interviewed John Cena. Cena guessed that Grisham was supposed to be Barbara Bush? Orville Redenbacher? Beethoven? Oh, Harry Carey. He encouraged Grisham to become Harry Carey. Grisham did the impersonation as Cena stood there stone faced. Cena channeled the Rock by saying that was sad, but he has seen worse. He said sad was Kurt Angle selling himself out to get another shot at the World Title. He sang the praises of all three possible opponents the fans could vote for. He said the odds were against him, but he never backs down and he never quits. He said that at the PPV, the championship would stay with him. A good promo from Cena.
(4) Kane & Big Show defeated the Heart Throbs. Antonio and Romeo got on the mic and said that they were planning on dressing as Bo and Luke of the Dukes of Hazzard, but at the last second, decided on being Batman and Batman! “Oh, I wish somebody would just destroy these two!” – Coach. Awesome moment. Kane and Big Show took turns manhandling the Heart Throbs with various power moves and such. Coach pointed out that it was almost like one monster was trying to outdo the other. Big Show hit a big time superplex. Kane looked impressed, and then went up to the top to hit a flying clothesline. Kane took out Romeo, and then Big Show went out after him and press slammed him over the ropes and back into the ring. They hit double chokeslams on the Heart Throbs and got double pinfall victories.
They aired footage from the Taboo Tuesday press conference. This segment was so significant, it earned itself two sentences in my show review.
Back to live time and Lawler was in the ring to host the next segment. He said the fans all held the power to vote on what the divas would be wearing in their battle royal match at the PPV. However, as of right now, we would be having a good old fashioned diva costume contest. I am not going to be able to handle this segment at all. Ashley came out dressed as a dark angel. Maria was a Victoria Secret’s angel. Candice Michelle was Catwoman. Mickie James was Trish Stratus (honest to God, looking as much like Molly as Trish, and I mean that in a very, very good way). Victoria was a baseball player. You tell me. Trish Stratus was Wonder Woman. I don’t care what anyone says, Jerry Lawler’s corny one liners are great in segments like this. Mickie James posed with Trish, which was a nice touch. Lawler opened it up to the fans’ vote. Candice Michelle wins. I don’t care what the fans say. James cut the fans off, telling them not to vote for everyone else, because they should be voting for Trish. Victoria told her to calm the hell down. She took a shot at James with the bat, but James got out of the way and kicked Victoria to the floor. The faces did a wishbone spot on Candice, but then Victoria came from behind and tossed James out of the ring. Trish laid out Victoria with a kick, and the four faces celebrated in the ring to end things. This segment made me very happy.
(5) John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels was a no contest. The match began with a staredown, and then they shook hands. Michaels immediately thereafter gave Cena a chop, however, and the action was underway. They fought at a slow pace early on, trading holds and such. Some fans hilariously chanted “You tapped out!” at Cena. Michaels hit a shoulder tackle and got a headlock takeover in. Cena hit a hiplock, but Michaels hit boots to the face and went back to the headlock. Cena attempted to toss Michaels out of the ring, but Michaels skinned the cat. Cena, however, countered any such Michaels chicanery with a clothesline. Cena hit a back elbow for a two count. Michaels took a powder outside the ring, perhaps because he knows Bret Hart was twice as good as him in every way (although that’s not confirmed), so Cena went out after him. Back in the ring, Michaels chopped away on Cena in the corner. Michaels did one of his ridiculously showy flips in the corner, but moments later hit a swinging neckbreaker that got a two count. Michaels locked in a sleeper on Cena and on the fans alike. Coach was losing his voice, and why not, what with how many great moments he was given to yell about on tonight’s show. Cena hit a back suplex to counter out of it. The two traded blows and then Cena hit a couple clotheslines to shift the momentum in his favor. Cena informed Michaels he could not see him, and then hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena went for the F-U, but Michaels countered out of it. Michaels hit the flying forearm and then an inverted atomic drop. Michaels went up top and missed a flying elbow. Both men were prone on the mat, getting counted down, when Angle came out to cause the no contest. Angle worked over both men, but then got nailed by a Cena clothesline. Cena set up Angle for the F-U, but turned around into some sweet chin music by Michaels. Michaels grabbed the title belt, looked down at the fallen Angle and Cena and then at the belt. He posed with the belt, even spinning it once, before handing it over to the near dead Cena. A good segment to end the show and not-so-subtly promote the match WWE wants (and will presumably deliver) at the Taboo Tuesday PPV.
IRS: With another Raw in the books, welcome to the Raw Deal Post Game show! Can I get you guys’ overall thoughts on the show, please?
Giant Gonzalez: As far as I am concerned, this show didn’t exist. 0 out of 10. Adam Bomb: I would normally accuse you of being a big baby and pouting because I hid my notes from you the entire time, but you actually have a good point there. This was not a good show, and I give it a 3.0 out of 10. I’m now concerned about whether the sun is going to shine tomorrow morning.
Mountie: Another show in the books, and another show I did not like. The only thing that can save wrestling now is a new reign for me as, once again, the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. Since that didn’t happen here, 2.0 out of 10. IRS: Thank you all for your comments. I liked the show a little better than all of you, once again, as I thought it was a 4.0 out of 10. How soon we forget the guy in the hot dog outfit! Dusty, your thoughts please…
Final Show Grade: 2.0. I might not be good at grading these shows yet, but I do know that there was much more bad than good on this show. First, though, the good. The opening and closing angles were decent. I am very happy with how strong Smackdown has been portrayed in the whole interpromotional tag team match angle. The closing angle with Cena, Angle and Michaels was also very good. Angle can claim three victories over Cena, and Michaels can claim an unanswered superkick, laying out the champion. Also, there were some good promos on this show. Triple H and Ric Flair cut strong and serious, albeit too short, promos on each other, and Cena’s promo was better than I thought it would be (and perhaps, than it should have been). Also, Todd Grisham as Harry Carey was tremendous, and the divas were wearing costumes.
Now, on to the bad. And, actually, the most interesting parts of this show were the things that happened backstage. Austin apparently has walked out on the company because Jim Ross isn’t coming back and he was going to have to do a job to Coach. Torrie Wilson is also apparently no longer with the company. And this might have been one of Christian’s last WWE appearances. (Is that why he was smiling so much in that opening segment?) It should definitely be noted that “legends” like Duggan, Snuka, Kamala, Vader and Goldust do not in any way come close to replacing these departures, making up for them in any way, or just generally adding anything positive to the show. The matches were not good for the most part, and Michaels vs. Cena was a disappointment, in particular.
On a side note, you have to hand it to WWE to making up the fans’ minds for them. They want Michaels to be the third man in the World Title match, and so he was featured prominently on the show in an angle and match with Cena and Angle. Therefore, Kane and Big Show would get the tag team title match against Cade and Murdoch, and wouldn’t you know it? They were featured as a tag team on this show! The stipulations WWE seems loosest with are the legend to team with Eugene (I’m pulling for Kamala, but it’s going to be Duggan), and the divas’ outfits (I’m pulling for cheerleaders, but it’s going to be one of the other two). I’ve seen worse Raws. But this was bad.
Dusty Giebink recommends “Hey Ho Let’s Go: The Story of the Ramones” by Everett True for your reading pleasure. He welcomes any questions, answers, comments or concerns you may have, and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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