By Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Raw "Virtual Time" Alternative Perspective Coverage
August 1, 2005
Live from Uncasville, Connecticut
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor

Ongoing Alternative Perspective Review of the Show

Raw was live tonight from the sold-out Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, Connecticut, and it marked a very special occasion--the 636th original episode of the show, which surpassed the record of 635 original episodes set by "Gunsmoke."

Jim Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Jonathan Coachman welcomed viewers to the show as Chris Jericho made his entrance. Being a self-proclaimed genius, he said he'd concocted a plan to end John Cena's championship reign. He called Cena's rap performance last week a fraud. Then he called for footage of his special style of refereeing last week during Cena's match with Carlito. Jericho said he fully intended to walk out of SummerSlam with Cena's title belt.

Cena considered those to be fighting words and hit the ring with fists flying. Referees and security guards swarmed out to pull them apart.

Eric Bischoff was furious and insisted that Cena's championship reign would end tonight. He assigned a special guest referee to officiate Cena's match tonight with Carlito. And surprise, surprise...that ref would be Jericho.

(Commercial break)

Masterpiece Theatre was about to begin. Flex...pose...long, boring, narcissistic entrance.

(1) Tag Team Match: Shelton Benjamin & Big Show over Chris Masters & Gene Snitsky. Big Show got a great pop from the crowd. The match got off to an unusual start, as Benjamin was launched into the ring by Show. When Big Show tagged in, Masters made himself scarce and left Snitsky to take the beating. Snitsky, who already appeared to be black and blue, took some tremendous chops from Big Show, who tossed Snitsky to the outside, then picked up Masters and dropped him out on top of Big Snit.

(Commercial break)

Returning from commercial, Shelton was in control of a dazed Snitsky. Masters tagged in and put Benjamin in a bear hug. Snitsky was back in and put the boots to Benjamin, who was isolated from his tag team partner. Double-teaming by Masters and Snitsky. Big Show had seen enough and put a stop to it before the ref shooed him back to the apron. Benjamin took a brutal clothesline from Masters and was at a definite disadvantage. Hot tag to Big Show, which involved a mule kick to Snitsky who was trying to drag Benjamin backwards. Big Show "hulked up" and ran wild on Masters and Snitsky. Chokeslam by Big Show on Snitsky and Big Show and Benjamin took the win. Pretty good match, all things considered.

(Commercial break)

Eugene and Christy Hemme came out for the Eugene Gold Medal Invitational. The pigtailed Christy was the cheerleader, and Eugene said he wanted to play with her pompoms. She called for the hometown hero to come out and Kurt Angle headed to the ring to the tune of "You Suck."

"What's your name and where are ya from?" asked Eugene several times. Angle finally answered and Eugene said that someone from Pittsburgh was not a hometown hero. Angle pointed out that it was an Indian reservation and the only person who would qualify was Tonto.

He didn't get Tonto, but he did get Tatanka, who came out in full headdress and qualified as the hometown hero, even though he was from a tribe in North Carolina.

(2) Eugene Gold Medal Invitational: Eugene vs. Tatanka ended in a DQ after interference from Angle. This wasn't an especially pretty match, although it was good for nostalgia. It ended in a disqualification 27 seconds from the end when Angle interfered. Eugene and Tatanka double-teamed Angle and chased him away.

Hulk Hogan had been on the Larry King Show last week, laying on the kayfabe. Thick.

(Commercial break)

An enraged Angle was storming around backstage. Next week, he would really be the hometown hero and planned to break Eugene's ankle and get his medals back.

J.R. finally got around to mentioning the Stretcher Match from last week. Kane had tombstoned Lita, then driven off with her in a stolen ambulance. Kane had subsequently been "arrested" for stealing the ambulance and assaulting a "police officer." But what about Lita?

Carlito and Jericho were discussing strategy. Bischoff joined them and made it clear that Cena's title reign was to end tonight. The G.M. told them to come up with a plan before they left his office.

A limo arrived in the garage and out stepped Vincent K. McMahon. He swaggered toward the stage for his big announcement.

(Commercial break)

"No Chance in Hell," hit and Mister McMahon got an enthusiastic welcome from the crowd. McMahon said this was a very special edition of Raw, as they were celebrating the 636th edition of Raw. It was a milestone. And this was the Big Announcement? They'd announced it over a week ago on their website. Nonetheless, McMahon thanked himself and said Raw would continue for generations to come because he'd made good business decisions, such as bringing back people who'd stabbed him in the back. He mentioned that S.O.B. Eric Bischoff and then took credit for breathing life into ECW. McMahon said he'd recently signed someone who'd been "setting fires backstage." McMahon said he wanted to pour gasoline on the fire, so this person would face Edge at SummerSlam. Without further ado, he introduced Matt Hardy, who hopped out of the limo and headed to the ring.

Matt took the mic and contemplated thanking McMahon for bringing him back to Raw. However, he said it was really the people who'd brought him back. He provided the back story of his 6-year relationship with Amy Dumas/Lita for anyone who'd been living under a rock for the last few months. While he'd been out of action with a knee injury, he found out that Amy had been involved with Adam Copeland/Edge. Now Matt Hardy was back. He said he had no sympathy for Edge's personal misery. His promo continued on a dark note, saying it was kill or be killed, and Matt Hardy would not die.

(Commercial break)

Mister McMahon was strolling around backstage, looking pleased with himself. He greeted Chavo, who promptly reminded him that he was now Kerwin White, polo fan. Whatever.

(3) Rob Conway over Val Venis. Rob's a con man now and does things the "con" way. Get it? *wink, wink* (At least it's an improvement over that stale French sympathizer gimmick.) Conway was wrestling with his shades on and Venis knocked them off. Good, even action until Venis went for the Money Shot, and Conway clumsily knocked him off the top turnbuckle. Conway won it with the Ego Trip.

(Commercial break)

A Larry King impersonator introduced the immortal "Hulk Hogan" who limped out using a walker. It wasn't really Hogan, of course, it was the Heart Break Kid, dressed up in feather boas and a fake moustache and using the word "brother" as often as possible. He said he was as old as he felt, and he felt 150 years old.

A retrospective of Shawn Michaels' career aired.

Back to the "Larry King Show" and Hulkamania ended up giving "Larry King" a taste of the sweet chin music. Michaels took off the disguise and mentioned Hogan's reality show, "Hogan Knows Best." Michaels asked what Hogan was going to do at SummerSlam when reality kicked him right in the face.

(Commercial break)

So far this show hasn't been overburdened by that pesky wrestling stuff.

And to kill even more time, out next were the divas. Coach told Summer she'd been cut. Buh bye.

The final four got into the ring for something called Queen of the Mountain. The ring was heavily padded and they'd have to knock each other off pedestals. Rob Schneider, star of the "Deuce Bigalow" movies, was announced as the special guest judge. He was remarkably crude, but then this stupid Diva Search competition begs for that sort of thing. Elizabeth won the cheesy contest and went off with Schneider. I guess he was also the prize. UGH!

(Commercial break)

Eric Bischoff was shown sitting at ringside for the main event.

(4) WWE Championship Match: John Cena over Carlito. Jericho was the special guest referee. Before the match even started, Cena had attacked Jericho. As the match got underway, it was clear that the odds were against Cena.

(Commercial break)

Returning from commercial, Carlito was in control of the match. Cena was looking bad in the ring tonight and this match was bordering on tedious. Bischoff was barking orders at ringside. Cena kicked out of every pinning situation Carlito put him in, and Carlito and Jericho were getting frustrated. Jericho finally peeled back the cover of the guardrail and he and Carlito slammed Cena into it.

Cena made a comeback and covered Carlito for the pin. Jericho stood there with his arms folded and refused to make the count. Cena took Jericho and Bischoff out of the equation, then pinned Carlito. A second referee ran down and made the count and Cena retained the title.

Jericho was livid and gave Cena a beat down after the match. As the coup de grace, he hit Cena with one of the television cameras and busted him open. Jericho had Cena in the Walls while Bischoff "Bisch" slapped him.

As the show went off the air, Jericho as admiring the title belt and Bischoff was still blowing his top.


***

I love feedback and you can reach me at mallory_m_@hotmail.com. See you in The Lounge on Saturday.

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