By Jeremy Maes, Torch Lounge Contributor Extraordinaire

Sunday Night Heat review
Aired July 17, 2005 on Spike TV
By Jeremy Maes, Lounge Newlywed

Welcome back people to another edition of Sunday Night Heat. I finally pulled my head out of “Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince,” well actually I finished it already. Took me a decent amount of time but I have no regrets. It was good and kept me interested and damn near got me in a fight with the wife. I know, no one cares, so, let’s get on with the Heat. I hear they actually taped matches this week before Heat so no more Coachman and Grisham standing around pretending they are journalists. Nope, now they are back in the announce booth where they will no doubt botch the names of moves and ignore the matches before them.

1) Victoria defeated Talea Oh man this looks like a serious mismatch from the looks of both women. Not sure if I have the name right for Talea but here we go anyway. Talea starts with a nice go over on Victoria and Victoria smiles. Victoria extends her hand and then head butts Talea. Victoria goes for a cover but pulls her up after a one count. Victoria then backs her in a corner and smacks her flush in the jaw. This is pretty much a squash but Talea finally comes back on Victoria with some weak offense. Talea goes up top and comes off with a body block that Victoria rolls through for a two-count. Talea gets whipped in the ropes but Victoria gets surprised with a headscissors. Coach points out Talea’s thong keeps popping out instead of how sloppy this match has been. Victoria finally finishes the girl off with the Widows Peak for the three count.

Blather Points: Talea was alright there in the ring but it didn’t matter as the match was sluggish and sloppy. Not sure if it was a combination of two women who have not wrestled each other before or if they just don’t mesh well. Victoria got a decent amount of cheers still even though she is supposed to be a heel. Funny, I thought the audio sweetener would have covered up the cheers

Backstage Renee Dupree with Maria. He badgers Maria a bit and then bashes her for being a typical American girl. He says Maria has an IQ of “36?” Maria interrupts. He says he will beat Val Venis tonight and prove he is simply Phenomenal. I am giving it up for Dupree. He has a look no one else does on Raw and he will stand out. Now if he would only improve in the ring the way his Mic skills have since he dropped the thick accent.

Commercial Break: Oh brotha, hasn’t that movie “Devil’s Rejects” had its one week failed release yet? Seriously, I give it a two-week run, tops.

2) Rene Dupree defeated Val Venis Rene was sporting a robe that makes Ric Flair’s robes of old look plain. Val comes out next and the crowd looks around as if they are asking each other “wasn’t this guy cut?” The match starts after Val accosts a poor lady in the crowd with his sweaty towel. Dupree refuses to lock up but then blindsides Venis. Here comes the obligatory “U.S.A.” chant by the audience since they have no real emotional investment in Val’s character. Dupree has been in control from the beginning and now wrenches Val’s neck while taunting the crowd. Val elbows out but then gets hit with a stiff punch in the temple. Val catches a rushing Dupree and lifts Renee over the top to the floor. Back in the ring Rene begs off but gets hit with a half-nelson slam by Val. Val tries a fisherman’s suplex but Rene blocks it and hits Val with a sloppy neckbreaker. Val recovers and locks on his submission move, not sure what you call it, but he reaches the ropes. Val suplexes Rene and tries for the money-shot and misses. Rene immediately goes over and puts Val in the Cobra Clutch for the tap out victory.

Blather Points: Wow, this was a pretty damn good match. It is obvious why Val did not get released at the beginning of the month. He is indeed a good hand in the ring. Dupree held up his end of the match but Val really helped him along. Good match and if memory serves right, the last good match on Heat had Val in it also.

Commercial Break: Why would I want to eat a Starburst if it tastes like chewing on a Mariachi band, instruments and all. I find that idea rather gross.

Video Recap: Cena and Jericho Jericho plays suck up to Bischoff the entire time and then berates Cena for his dress. Jericho calls him a thug and no one knows why. Jericho says after he wins the belt he will be the biggest WWE multi-media superstar ever. Jericho won’t fight Cena so John gives Bischoff the FU. Now, if this were a real sport Cena would be fired or suspended and stripped of the title. But since it’s not, well, it still makes no sense since it belittles the idea of authority figures. Why have them if they mean nothing?

Backstage Maria interviews the newly repackaged Rob Conway. Boy, they may as well rename this Sunday Night Resistance. Ouch, that sucked, sorry. As for the interview, he says his name is Rob Conway, the Con Man; ugh, this is going to hurt. Rob says he only cared about one thing “me.” He is going to start doing things his way, the con way. Well, that was not as bad as I expected or I am really that pessimistic, it’s up for debate.

Commercial Break: Enzyte has two commercial breaks in a row. What does this say about wrestling fans? Not only are you impotent or at the least have a small pecker but you have short attention span as well. Enzyte, it fixes your Johnson while it plays with your mind while you play with your…(Editor’s Note: Enough, no more bad jokes.)

3) Rob Conway defeated Mo Sexay Conway comes down the aisle with cheetah print trunks that only cover the important parts. The rest is all fishnet. Whew, Conway does show he has the complete package though as he has a good look and carries himself very well. Rob starts off dominating Sexay without taking his sunglasses off. Finally Conway takes off the glasses and flexes for the crowd. He drops an elbow and then runs Mo in the corner. Man, this is a squash match the likes that have not been seen on Heat for a while. Even a Tomko match has been more competitive. Finally, Conway puts him away with the Ego Trip, his neckbreaker, while his opponent hangs from the top rope.

Blather Points:

After the break there was a video for the Diva Search. One of them got eliminated while the others did some dancing or something. One chick actually kissed Coach? I know some people dig this but I have eight channels of Cinemax, so I win.

Commercial Break: How the hell does a bolt of lightning rewire a plane. They do not say reprogram they say rewire. God it’s no wonder people hate the movies. Why would I sit in a theatre with cell phones going off, some brat crying cause their parents won’t take them out of the theater and then realize I am watching a Rob Cohen film?

Video Recap: Shawn Michaels and friends. Why has none bothered to ask, well besides me, why the hell Roddy Piper would care that Shawn Michaels punked out Hulk Hogan. The two hate each other and have never been on the same side in the ring and definitely outside of it? Someone please explain why this has not been addressed?

Commercial Break: Crunch Wrap Supremes have 510 calories each. That is all. Hey, my sister-in-law is in another commercial for McKinney Dodge, good going Jamie.

4) Viscera and the Superheroes defeated The Heart Throbs and Tyson Tomko There is actually something very funny seeing The Throbs jumping and dancing around while Tomko scowls at them. The Throbs go over and dance on Lillian but she doesn’t seem happy. The superheroes come out next so Lillian can cry over Viscera’s name. Rosey is actually sporting new tights reminiscent of the Electric Superman. Well there are the two things that prevented Hurricane and Rosey from being cut and I don’t mean the tag-titles. Rosey and Viscera standing outside the ring remind you that the Natural Disasters would be dwarfed by those two. Damn they are big, fat men. Hurricane and Antonio start off and then tags in Rosey. Antonio tags in Tomko and he and Rosey go toe to toe. Tomko runs in to a big boot from Rosey but Rosey then misses a butt splash from the second rope. Tomko clotheslines Rosey and then punches him down. Romeo comes in the ring and elbows Rosey. Antonio tags back in and punches away. Romeo comes back in and gets a two count on Rosey. Romeo, for no reason, punches Viscera and gets a headbutt for his trouble. Romeo tags Tomko and Viscera tags in. Viscera catches Tomko with a spinning sidewalk slam and then takes care of both Throbs members. Viscera then humps both members of the Throbs in a disgusting look. The Throbs roll out of the ring and leave Tomko. Tomko gets a splash from Rosey and then one from Viscera for the three count.

Blather Points:Boring. The only time the crowd and audio sweetener came alive was, well, they never did. The man hump got a crowd response but I am not sure what that says about WWE’s audience. If a fat man dry humping two small men is your cup of tea, well, I guess WWE is for you. The rest of us who like solid angles, good stories and good in-ring action I guess there is , aww damn, there is no combination of that anywhere.

Jeremy Maes has been writing the Heat review for damn near three years and not even he can believe that. Drop me a line at jeremymaes@yahoo.com. If you send me e-mail please include something in the title of the e-mail saying what you are writing about. My Lounge column, Frustration Nation is posted Wednesday mornings and my Sunday Night Heat reviews are usually on the site almost immediately after the show ends. Check ‘em out. Until this Sunday, don’t follow my path son, don't follow my path!

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