By Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
July 14, 2005
Taped 7/12/2005 in Worcester, MA
Aired on UPN
Report by Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

In a nutshell: Eddie's family tries to set him straight, Road Warrior Animal makes a comeback, and the Mexicools actually wrestle!

But first! After last week's terrorism insanity, this week can't help but be better, right? Right? Well, as I gird myself for tonight's episode of Smackdown, let's head over to the one thing that you can always rely on for comfort, Raw Is Trivial!

***

Raw Is Trivial with the "Supreme" Seth Berger!

July of 1986. Prime Time Wrestling. A blast from the past. Jobber matches galore. I don't mean squashes, I mean jobbers faced each other and actually win matches. George Wells vs. Rusty Brooks. Steve Lombardi vs. Terry Gibbs. Barry O vs. Johnny K9.

Ah, the stuff of memories. But not all the matches were crap. They had some pretty good matches as well. Six-man matches like the "Dream Team" (Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake) & Johnny Valiant vs. The Sammartinos & Davey Boy Smith. The first Prime Time match ever was the Cobra vs. Tiger Mask for the WWF Junior Heavyweight title.

Of the following wrestlers, which two future World champions faced off in a non-descript match on the late-July show?

a) Rick Steamboat
b) Randy Savage
c) Bret Hart
d) Andre The Giant
e) Shawn Michaels

Answer down below.

***

On to the show!

Oh brother. Another viewer discretion warning aired this week, this time against a black screen to open the show. Viewer discretion my ass. How about a "We've got crappy judgment" advisory? The WWE intro video aired next, though I think that video's about to have a lot less shows in it come this fall.

We saw a recap from last week of JBL cutting a promo on Batista before getting cut off by the BWO, including Blue Meanie, Big Stevie Cool and Hollywood Nova. JBL was beating Meanie's ass, even hitting his finisher, but Batista ran in due to the no disqualification stipulation and delivered a spinebuster to help Meanie pick up the win. Now, let's never talk about anything related to the NWO ever again.

We got the intro next, which of course features future World Champion Muhammad Hassan. Oh, you don't think Vince will do it? You just watch him. We actually got the pyro this week, which has been absent a lot recently due to supershows and the like. Yay!

Tonight: Champion versus Champion match, baby! Batista will be going mano a mano with Orlando Jordan. I refuse to believe that Orlando Jordan has a title belt. What is this "U.S. Title" you speak of? That's silly. If there were a secondary title on Smackdown, I would have seen it defended on TV recently.

*** Eddie Guerrero's cell phone intro hit and he came down the ramp, working the Razor Ramon style toothpick like nobody's business. The crowd was booing the Hell out of him as his music played. Eddie looked disdainfully at the crowd as he stepped into the ring. Eddie removed the toothpick and said that Rey Mysterio wasn't going to be there tonight. He said that he was more disappointed than Rey was. Eddie said that he doesn't understand how Mysterio could think that not showing up for work could make it so that Eddie wouldn't humiliate him, get on his knees, do whatever he wants. Rey Mysterio: Eddie's Trish Stratus! Eddie said that he can make Mysterio do whatever Eddie wants because he knows something that Mysterio doesn't want everyone in the arena and everyone in the world to know. Eddie knows a secret, Rey's secret, the one he doesn't want his son Dominic to know. Here, let's guess what it is. I say that Rey still wears diapers. Either that or Eddie is Dominic's dad, I don't know. Eddie said that Mysterio wouldn't get away with it.

Eddie told the production staff to play the footage. We saw the clip from two weeks ago of Eddie threatening Mysterio that he was going to tell the truth, and then the clip from last week of Eddie telling Mysterio not to eyeball him and to open the ropes for Eddie. Eddie looked at the Smackdown screens with a satisfied look on his face. Eddie said that we should have seen what he had planned for this week, because that was nothing. Eddie said that Mysterio thought that he would ruin Eddie's plan, that he would have nothing to do, but Rey Rey is dead wrong. Eddie said that Mysterio had made him mad. Eddie got happy again and said that he knew what he would do. He was going to tell Rey's secret. Eddie said that he knew Mysterio and Dominic were watching, and he smiled and waved into the camera like those goofball man in the street interviews on local news. Eddie said that he wanted to remind Dominic that he loves him. He also told Dominic to get up close to the TV, because he was about to tell him the bedtime story he promised. Eddie yelled at Tony Chimel to bring his chair into the ring. Chimel handed Eddie a steel chair and Eddie started to get comfortable, hyping up his bedtime story. Eddie told Dominic to take his daddy's hands off his ears so that he could hear. Eddie started his story "Once upon a time, in a land, far, far away, lived a little boy named Dominic. And as Dominic ran out into the woods to play with his uncle Eddie--"

However, he cut himself off when his wife Vicki and their two daughters showed up on the ramp. Eddie said that this was his part, his job, and that they shouldn't be there. In a nice touch, you could see the visitor stickers on his family. Eddie told them to go to the back. Eddie walked down to his family and introduced the crowd to his family. He told his wife that she was making a fool of him and to go to the back. He then yelled louder that she should go to the back. Vicki said that she loved him and that she came out to calm him down. Vicki said that it was getting out of hand and that he should keep the secret to himself, because it could hurt a lot of people. It could hurt her, their kids, Eddie, and Rey's family. She said that Rey was a good man, which caused Eddie to yank the mic out of her hands and lead her forcefully to the back. This segment was great, and Eddie and his wife's acting was fantastic and felt realistic, and not in that goofy, over the top worked shoot way.

(Commercial break.)

Promo time: I actually just got a package from WWEShop.com website, including a Captain Charisma t-shirt, an ECW t-shirt, ECW One Night Stand, and the 2004 Divas DVD. Hey, the divas DVD was free with orders over fifty bucks, I swear! Plus, it includes the gone but never forgotten Molly! Whoo!

*** We were shown Eddie leading his wife backstage and sending his children away as he talked to his wife. Eddie told his wife that he's busy putting clothes on the kids, clothes on his wife. Eddie yelled at his wife and told her to take the kids and leave. Vicki said she couldn't believe what was going on. Eddie yelled at Vicki as the kids got in the car. Hardcore Holly, wearing the standard midcard attire of a pay-per-view t-shirt, came up to Eddie and tried to calm Eddie down, telling Eddie not to do this in front of his kids. Eddie acted nice at first and called Hardcore "Bob," but then he shoved Hardcore hard and yelled at his wife that she made him do it. Eddie continued to yell at his wife until Hardcore shoved back, hard, shoving him into the vehicle. Hardcore walked away as Eddie and Vicki continued to yell at one another. In the funniest line of the night, Eddie told his wife to leave before he got hurt. Eddie told his daughters not to cry and then yelled at his wife to leave again, and she drove away. The announcers talked about how disrespectful Eddie was to his wife. The acting continued to be strong in this segment, and I wouldn't mind seeing more involvement by his family in this angle.

(1) Mexicools (Juventud, Psicosis, & Super Crazy) defeated Paul London, Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki.

Pre-match analysis: The Mexicools came out together on a red riding lawnmower. They actually had wrestling outfits on this week, although Super Crazy was holding a freakin' rake. Oy. Paul London came out next, along with Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty. Wait, these are the guys they're using to represent the cruiserweight division, and they can't find places for Akio, Shannon Moore, or Billy Kidman? Ugh. The Mexicools argued about who would start the match.

Match analysis: The fans chanted "lucha libre." Smarks. Funaki and Super Crazy started things off. Funaki hit a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Psiscosis tagged in and took a hip toss from Funaki. Scotty 2 Hotty tagged in. Scotty did a dance taunt followed by a double right hand from Scotty and Funaki. Scotty took over and delivered some right hands to Psicosis. Super Crazy hit a knee to Scotty from the outside and laughed hysterically, Joker style. Scotty knocked him off the apron, but it allowed Psicosis to get the advantage. Juventud tagged in, jumping over the top rope and going on the offense. He applied an armbar to the left arm, but Scotty got to his feet and fought back. Scotty did a sunset flip, but Juventud countered into a low dropkick and locked the armbar back on. Psicosis tagged back in and the Mexicools hit a double team drop toehold, followed by a double dropkick to the side of the head. Psicosis hit a catapault on Scotty into the turnbuckle and covered Scotty, but he kicked out. Juventud tagged back in and kicked Scotty in the corner. Scotty countered a punch and was taking on everyone in the corner, but the numbers game finally got the best of him. Wait, did I just say "numbers game?" I feel so Cole-ish. By which I mean lame. Scotty hit a flying forearm to take down Juventud as Funaki grabbed Super Crazy from the outside, but Super Crazy rammed Funaki into the ring barrier. Scotty and Juventud were down in the middle of the ring. Juventud grabbed Scotty's foot, but he managed to reach and tag in Paul London. London came in hot, taking out both men on the apron, hit a dropsault to Juventud, a spinning leg lariat to another Mexicool, and took out the third. He set up Juventud for a 450 Splash, but Psicosis distracted the referee while Super Crazy grabbed London and brought him down, putting his throat over the top rope and sending him to the mat. Super Crazy hit a moonsault onto London. Juventud then went up top and hit a 450 splash of his own.

Post-match analysis: They showed a replay after the match, followed by trainers checking on London in the ring. Juventud apparently hit London in the head with the 450 splash, with his lower leg or foot hitting London in the head. The Mexicools then got back on their lawnmower and started heading to the back.

Match grade: B-. Short, but good cruiser action. Even Funaki and Scotty seemed to kick it up a notch since they were given an opportunity to wrestle on the A show. It was fun to see the Mexicools actually wrestle for the first time since they've gotten this gimmick (they wrestled on Velocity before, but everyone knows that, if it happens on Velocity, it didn't happen).

Tonight: Booker T versus Christian, because both men blame the other for getting eliminated in the Smackdown Championship/number one contender match a couple weeks ago. I have no idea how this match can be good, based on the endless Booker versus Christian matches we saw when Booker was still on Raw. We've also got that champion versus champion match between Batista and Orlando Jordan. I actually originally typed "Christian" there, because, if it were up to me, Christian would be in every match. Cole and Tazz informed us that Eddie Guerrero versus Hardcore Holly had also just been signed for later tonight. Gee, what a shock.

(Commercial break.)

*** Candice Michelle was backstage, and of course, she was looking in a mirror. Women. Christian came up to her and said hi, saying that it was good to see a familiar face since they both came over from Raw. Christian asked if she needed any help or advice to break out of her mediocrity. Oh, snap! Christian said that he was such a big star on Raw, and that's why Smackdown lobbied so hard to get him. Christian said kids are always coming up to him, and he has respect in the locker room. Booker T and Sharmell came up to him. Booker said that nothing's changed and he's always running his mouth, but he can't back it up. Christian told Booker that he was embarrassing him. Booker said that Christian does a pretty good job embarrassing himself, which caused Sharmell to laugh. Hey, we don't need those cold pricklies around here, just warm fuzzies, young lady. Booker said that he has to earn that respect in the ring, and he'll have to do it tonight, beating the five time, five time, five... you know, tonight, and asked Christian if he can dig that before walking off. Candice chuckled. Women.

*** Josh Mathews was backstage with an interview with Batista. They played the clip of JBL losing to Blue Meanie last week with Batista's interference. Batista said that he was a student of the game (or is it the Game?) and, even when he was on Raw, he watched Smackdown every week. Well, I guess if he was a student of the Game, he'd be busy trying to marry one of Vince's other kids. Well, they are in Massachusetts... Batista said that the one thing that stood out was that JBL was nothing but a loudmouth and a bully. He asked if Josh knew how to deal with bullies. Batista said that you punk them out and beat them up. Something tells me that Batista has never had to worry about bullies. Batista said that he punked JBL out last week, and at the Great American Bash, he's going to beat him up. Batista removed his sunglasses and said that, if JBL thinks he's walking away from the Bash as the World Champion, he's got something to tell him, because the only thing he'll be walking away with is an attitude adjustment. What I think needs an adjustment is Batista's wardrobe, because he was wearing enough pastels to look like he just stepped off the set of a cross between Miami Vice and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

*** Melina and MNM were walking together backstage. Melina had a concerned look on her face as Mercury and Nitro talked with one another. She definitely wasn't worried about showing cleavage, as she seemed fine, ahem, proudly displaying, uh, those. Melina told MNM that she had some business to take care of. Some guy from production was asking Torrie Wilson to autograph his Smackdown magazine with her on the cover. Melina sent him away and threw the magazine to the side. Melina said that Torrie had had a pretty sweet deal on Smackdown, but that was just because she didn't have any competition. Torrie asked Melina to take it to the ring. Melina challenge Torrie to a match at the Great American Bash. Torrie asked Melina, if she's complaining so much about Torrie's exposure, they should make the match all about exposure and turn it into a bra and panties match. Yeah, that's perfectly logical. Melina acted shocked at the very idea of being in her bra and panties in a wrestling ring, but said that she wouldn't ever have to worry about it and that the fans would never see her in her bra and panties, because she's going to beat Torrie and tear off every last piece of her clothing. Which, of course, means that we will see Melina in her bra and panties.

(Commercial break: An XWF commercial? Yikes. I don't even understand how they had enough extra material to put together a DVD, much less three DVD's.)

*** Hei-den-reich! Hei-den-reich! Hei-den-reich! How can you resist that theme song? That goofy march? The disasterpieces? Sigh. They showed kids in the crowd doing the goofy Heidenreich march. As Heidenreich walked into the ring, MNM attacked him. They rammed him into the barricade as Melina walked down separately with the tag team titles. MNM continued the beatdown in the ring. MNM rammed Heidenreich shoulder first into the ringpost. Melina yelled at Heidenreich and asked where his friends were now, and said twice that he had no friends. Melina then told MNM to finish him. They did the signal for the Snapshot, but before they could hit it, the Road Warriors' music hit and Road Warrior Animal came out.

The fans chanted "L.O.D." for the somewhat overweight Animal as he cleaned house on MNM. I mean, seriously, hasn't he been watching those Stacker 2 commercials? MNM exited through the crowd. Animal grabbed a mic and said that, as he goes around the country signing autographs for the new Road Warriors DVD, he keeps hearing people telling him that a new tag team is trying to tell everyone that they're the greatest tag team of all time. Hmm, maybe this is why they had to let the Dudleys go. Animal pointed to MNM and said that he thinks they're just a couple of baby punks. "Baby punks?" Really? That's the best the writers could come up with? Mercury got on the mic and said there was no way they were punks and called Animal "old man." Ooooh, he called him old! WWE is so >edgy! Mercury said that he's out there pushing his DVD, trying to relive his old glory, and so they'll give him a chance. Mercury said it would be MNM against the Road Warriors at the Great American Bash. Nitro said they couldn't do that. When Mercury asked why, Nitro said that Animal's partner was dead. Wow. Even I didn't expect them to go there. Animal was ready to run after them and rip MNM's heads off, but Heidenreich held him back and said that he was on Animal's side. Animal wasn't sure at first, but he agreed. He then got on the mic and said it would be MNM against Road Warrior Animal and Heidenreich at the Great American Bash. Animal and Heidenreich posed to close the segment. I'm actually kind of hyped for this, because MNM will probably be able to pull out the best possible match from Heidenreich and Animal, and it should be a fun retro angle as long as Animal doesn't stay past his welcome.

Tonight: Champion versus champion, Batista versus Orlando Jordan! Hmm, do you think they can come up with yet another way to make the U.S. Title look minor league? I think they can.

Promo time: ECW: One Night Stand is on DVD! I actually just got my copy in the mail today after ordering from WWE a couple of weeks ago. For my money, it's worth it for the JBL commentary track alone. Whooooooo!

(Commercial break.)

(2) Eddie Guerrero defeated Hardcore Holly.

Pre-match analysis: We got the outside shot of the arena before they hyped Eddie versus Hardcore. We saw a clip from earlier tonight of Eddie cutting his promo in the ring and getting interrupted by his family. Hardcore Holly tried calming him down backstage, but Eddie shoved him away, leading Hardcore to shove him back, hard. I just realized the hours of my life that I've wasted watching wrestling recap segments, and that somehow makes me sad.

Eddie walked down to the ring first. Hardcore came down next. Wait, I just realized, he still has a job? Insane.

Match analysis: Hardcore and Eddie locked up. Hardcore backed Eddie up into the corner, but Eddie reversed it. Eddie slapped Hardcore, and Hardcore slapped Eddie right back. They locked up again, taking it into another corner. Eddie chopped Hardcore once, but Hardcore dodged the second and started hitting his own patented stiff chops. Hardcore signaled for and delivered a fourth, final chop. Eddie delivered a thumb to the eye to get control of the match. Eddie delivered chops to Hardcore in the ropes, then slammed his head into the turnbuckle before hitting a chop in the corner. Hardcore ducked a second chop and hit a couple more chops before Eddie bailed to the outside. The match didn't have much momentum at this point and that chop spot seemed a bit repetitive.

(Commercial break.)

***

Raw Is Trivial: Answer Time with the "Supreme" Seth Berger!

We're back and have you picked out the two men that wrestled on a July 26th, 1986 edition of Prime Time Wrestling? Well, it's letters a) Rick Steamboat and c) Bret Hart. Savage was the reigning I-C champion but his feud with Steamboat hasn't happened yet. Andre was at the time "suspended by the WWF for no-showing matches". Forget Giant Machine, that wasn't really him . Shawn Michaels was just getting his feet wet in the AWA.

So there ya are. A future champions match thrown together. My work here is done. Pay attention as Mike has more to say about SmackDown on the next page.

***

OK kids, head over to hour two before Karl Rove leaks to the press that I'm really a secret agent!

*** Mike Roe now does the Smackdown Express reviews each and every week for PWTorch.com. He does this for all the readers who would rather watch something coherent like Big Brother 37 and then read the recap later. Bastards! He can be contacted at mikeroe@gmail.com if you have something to say.

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