By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
February 12, 2005
Taped in Japan sometime before February 12, 2005
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Wisconsin Dream

The opening montage, featuring wrestlers that would rather watch a Golden Girls marathon than have to appear on Velocity aired, and Steve Romero and Josh Mathews welcomed us to the show. This marks the first time Velocity has ever come from Japan.

(1) Hardcore Holly defeated Rene Dupree. The finish came when Holly hit the Alabama Slam, enabling him to get the pinfall victory.

Match Analysis: Romero pointed out that it was interesting to see that Fifi was able to pass through customs and make it to Japan as well. Never misunderestimate the powers of Fifi, is all I have to say to that. Romero hilariously said, with a straight face, that Holly gets a thunderous reaction no matter where he is being received. Dupree attacked before the bell and started pounding away on Holly. I’m just now realizing that this is a rematch from their infamous house show Potato Shot match. Holly got on the offensive in no time and started chopping away on Dupree. Dupree was sent reeling to the outside. Mathews put over the differences between the Japanese fans and the American ones, saying the Japanese fans are more intent to watch the action and only applaud at the end or whatever. Dupree whipped Holly into the turnbuckles and Holly whiplashed down to the ground. That’s a gimmick I want them to give Holly. Make him have permanent whiplash or something. Dupree went to the choke a couple times. Holly started fighting back and the two did a sort of “hit head-to-head” spot. Romero asked Mathews if he knew how to count to ten in Japanese and Mathews said he can’t even do it “in American.” Holly hit stuff like a clothesline and a dropkick for a two count. Holly missed an elbow off the top rope, which allowed for Dupree to hit his whacky French Tickler dance. Holly then hit the Alabama Slam for the victory.

Match Grade: B-. This had solid action, but was nothing spectacular. I don’t know what Dupree needs to get over the hump, but after being very promising very early, he’s sort of been stuck in the same groove for quite some time as a worker and his skills haven’t progressed much further since then. Of course, working with Holly can’t help either. Maybe he needs to go to Raw and work programs with guys like Jericho and Benoit in order to be allowed to improve as a worker or something.

Two weeks ago on Smackdown, the first two matches in the tournament to determine the number one contender for the WWE Title at WrestleMania went down. The results of those matches had Booker T beating Eddie Guerrero and Undertaker and Rene Dupree going to do a double countout, because you just know they can’t book an entire tournament without having at least one “dirty” finish. In any event, that left us with Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle and Orlando Jordan vs. John Cena as the remaining two first round matches in that particular tournament.

Which so elegantly brings us to the Cena vs. Jordan match. Jordan had the upper hand, but Cena was fighting back as we pick up on the action. Cena clotheslined him, elbowed him and hit a shoulder knock down. Then, of course, Cena had to play to the crowd, because that’s more important than finishing off your opponent. He informed Jordan he can’t see him, and then hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He pumped up his shoes for that much needed extra support and then hit the F-U for the pinfall victory. So now it’s Booker T vs. Cena in the semi finals. Fast forward to later in the show, where Mysterio was taking on Angle. Angle went for an Angle Slam, but Mysterio countered with an armdrag. Mysterio hit a huracanrana for a two count. Mysterio hit a victory roll for another two count. Angle hit the Angle Slam after a bunch of counters between the two of them. Angle came up bleeding from the mouth and pulled his straps down. He locked on the anklelock for the submission victory. That gives Angle the bye all the way to the tournament finals, where he will take on the winner of the Booker vs. Cena match at the No Mercy PPV. I can’t hardly wait! The Booker vs. Cena match takes place this coming week on Smackdown, as if you needed any more reason to tune in to that show.

Segment Grade: A-. The first thing that needs to be pointed out here is that I love tournaments, and will gladly show a pro-tournament bias in all of my writings until the end of time. That out of the way, I thought the booking of this tournament has been very good so far. Almost certainly it will be Angle vs. Cena in the finals, which is probably one of the more intriguing matches they have available to them anyway.

(2) Charlie Haas defeated Spike Dudley. The finish came when Haas pinned Spike clean for the victory.

Match Analysis: You have to feel sorry for Haas, who got only a polite response from the Japanese crowd and really hasn’t been used for much of anything in quite some time. Romero pointed out that Spike’s beard is getting longer. Honestly, he looks ridiculous. The look on Haas’ face sort of indicated the same thing. Spike did a go behind and tried to lift Haas up. Haas would have none of this and reversed it in quick order. Spike implied that Haas pulled his trunks (I guess) and that therefore he should automatically be declared the victor. Haas hit an OVW-trademarked scoop slam and then locked on a full nelson. Haas was basically toying with him at this point. Spike got to the ropes and held his feet up there, so Haas just deposited him to the mat. Haas positioned Spike prone over the top rope and then kicked him in the gut, sending him reeling to the outside. Spike said he needed a timeout on the outside, so Mathews did this lecture about how there are no timeouts in wrestling at all. Spike hit a boot and went to the eyes back inside. He then rammed Haas shoulder-first into the ring post. Spike was on offense for awhile but Haas hit a legdrop and some other stuff to thwart the moment. Spike tried the Dudley Dog, but Haas blocked it and then hit a flapjack. Spike tried to hightail it out of there, but Haas caught up with him and dumped him back in the ring. Haas hit whatever his finisher is for the victory.

Match Grade: C. Romero summed this one up perfectly by calling it a “strange match.” I couldn’t have said it better. It was okay for what it was, but what it was was nothing more than a glorified squash match. Honestly, though, I can think of no better role for Spike than ‘80s-style jobber. The man’s selling is almost unparalleled. I just feel bad for Haas, who is a hamster on a treadmill with no discernible character development or storyline progression to be found.

They aired the newest WrestleMania commercial, this one a Basic Instinct spoof with Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit and Christian as the interrogators and Stacy Keibler as Sharon Stone. This one was fantastic as well, just like the Triple H/Mel Gibson spoof and the Eugene/Forrest Gump one. I can’t believe these were made by the same people who made the Royal Rumble commercial, which was pretty lousy. Ah well.

This past Thursday, Romero informed us, JBL had this elaborate plot to lure the Big Show into the ring, where he could have his way with him. JBL made like he was going to leave the ring, but then tricked the Big Dumb Show into letting his guard down, so he could punch him a couple times and hit the Clothesline From Hell. JBL started pulling a Wayne’s World (beating him to death with his own shoe) (actually, it was JBL’s shoe), as the rest of his cabinet hit the ring. Show got out of the way of a chair shot, and then proceeded to beat the crap out of the rest of the cabinet. Once again, this kind of stuff does wonders to the credibility of the tag team championship, having the champions getting treated like jobbers every week. Show chokeslammed the lot of them and then had a staredown with Layfield to end the segment. We were then told that at the No Mercy PPV, it will be JBL vs. Show for the WWE Title in a steel cage barbed wire match. It will also be Undertaker vs. Luther Reigns and Kurt Angle vs. the winner of the John Cena vs. Booker T match (which will take place this coming week on Smackdown) for the shot at the WWE Title at WrestleMania. The official theme song for No Mercy is “Enemy” by Fozzy, who just happen to be my favorite band of all time, ever.

Segment Grade: A-. Another very solid highlight segment that lets you know exactly what happened in the most important angle of Smackdown, were you to miss that show for whatever reason. These are almost always well produced and well placed. Furthermore, it helped to further set up the Show vs. JBL match, and let you know exactly what was at stake in that match. If anything, on next week’s show, I wouldn’t mind seeing one of them (JBL, probably) use barbed wire as a weapon on the other to even further set up the match. Probably shouldn’t try to get blood on UPN, though, so what have you. Just a thought.

In a nice touch, they showed a bunch of short little clips of the Japanese fans talking about how excited they were to be able to see Smackdown live.

(3) Paul London defeated Akio. The finish came when London hit the 450 splash for the clean pinfall victory.

Match Analysis: London couldn’t quite get all the way through the ring on the other side in his slide attempt this time. I will use this sentence to note how much of “the man” Akio is. Mathews pointed out that not only is Akio a famous wrestler in Japan, but he’s also a famous movie star as well. Enter the Yang, anyone? The Flying Elvises? He’s had a number of hit movies in Japan, too many to list, really. The two tied up to start the match, and battled into the ropes and then down to the mat. London gave a clean rope break as the two started off tentatively, feeling each other out. Akio worked a headlock, but London reversed it. They kept countering each other early, including doing some stuff on the mat. All of it was pretty okay. The fans applauded during the stand off. Akio hit a shoulder tackle, but London tripped him up and worked a headlock. Soon Akio was back into a side headlock of his own. London hit a nice boot to the stomach on Akio, sending him doubling over in pain. In the corner, London hit an elbow to the stomach and then the Mushroom Stomp. He then did his goofy, faux Sumo wrestler stomp dealie in celebration. London hit a headscissors on Akio that sent him to the outside. He attempted a suicide dive, but Akio got out of the way of it and London stopped himself. London fooled around a bit, switching hands in the lockup offer before Akio finally grabbed one of his hands and forced him into the move. They traded standing camel clutches, which was rather unique. Akio hit the Tiger Mask backflip kick, and then tried something else but London got out of the way and Akio went shoulder-first into the ringpost. They then cut to commercial break.

Back from break and London was hammering away on Akio in the corner. Mathews, having a sudden revelation, realized that the fans were counting along with London’s punches in Japanese, and therefore, he understood Japanese. This is truly a red letter day. (Which is different from a scarlet letter day, or a Scarlett Johansson day.) Akio stopped it short and then flipped London over the top rope and to the outside, where London hit the 48,092 pound steel ring steps on his way down. London has taken some of the sickest bumps I’ve ever seen lately, first with his elimination from the Royal Rumble match, and now this. The man is unsane. Akio locked on a rest hold headlock. Akio got a two count out of a jumping, rolling enziguiri. Akio went to the top rope but missed an elbow. London started calling (ha HA!) and the two ended up trading punches and chops and such. London hit a jawbreaker and a spinning kick. He then hit a couple clotheslines and backdrops, and showed major, major fire in doing so. London hit the dropsault for a two count. Akio ran right into a spinning back kick for a two count. London skinned the cat and sent Akio to the outside instead. London hit a flying somersault plancha onto Akio on the outside. London tried something off the top rope, but Akio countered with a standing spinning heel kick for a two count. That was freaking awesome looking. Akio went for a head scissors off the top rope, but London countered it and hit the 450 splash onto Akio for the clean pinfall victory.

Match Grade: A. This match was beautiful, the perfect culmination of the two competitor’s three match series on Velocity. The countering and counters of countering played into the fact that the two knew each other very well from their previous matches. And, after the commercial break, the match kicked it into a higher gear, where it become even more mind blowing and jaw dropping. By no means was this a perfect match, but for Velocity, it is never going to get any better than this. A must see match.

Final Show Grade: B. This was a solid edition of Velocity, perhaps the best one since I took the reigns of the show back from Mike Roe and started doing these reviews again. The main event was spectacular and worth going out of your way to see somehow. The highlight segments from Smackdown were great, and as per usual, helped keep you up to date on that show if you hadn’t watched it the week before. Hardcore Holly continues to annoy me with his presence, and the careers of Rene Dupree and John Cena seem to have stagnated lately, but overall, this was a decent show. Thumbs up.

Dusty Giebink is counting down the days until TNA’s demise, and he welcomes any questions, answers, comments or concerns that you might have. He can be contacted at dusty13@gmail.com, or the ultra-clever “Dusty Giebink” on the VIP Forum message board, if you have anything you wish to say.

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