By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
December 16, 2004
Taped 12/14/04 in Nashville, Tenn.
Aired on UPN
Report by Dusty Giebink, Lounge Janitor

If you haven’t read hour one yet, hit your back button and do so first.

In a nutshell: An excellent match between JBL and Angle that should never have taken place, because you should never have World Title matches on free TV!

***Cole channeled the spirit of Tony Schiavone to start this hour, saying that Layfield vs. Angle for the title would be the greatest main event in the history of Smackdown.

***They then showed a feature on WWE.com about John Cena’s new spinny U.S. Title belt. Needless to say, it’s completely lame. In any event, this served to set up the feature where they showed the entire Armageddon match between Cena and Jesus. I’m going to review it here to fill space in my show review, but I won’t treat it like a normal wrestling match, because it’s already been reviewed 832 times on this website already. Cena started off by pounding away on Jesus. Cena took the action outside and laid into Jesus with the kendo stick after Jesus went after his kidney again. The announcers were having birds about the brutality of the match. The fans were actually going nuts for Cena, so it doesn’t matter how little talent he has. If you can get over with crowds, maybe you can draw some money and be a star. I understand the two things aren’t automatically connected, but with business not exactly flourishing at this point, it’s worth a shot to push Cena to the moon. Cena chased Carlito away and then pounded away on Jesus, who was prone on the guardrail at this point. He challenged Carlito to come get him some, but Carlito would have none of it. At this point, they inexplicably started showing the match in black and white. To this point, it had been in full color. I have no idea what was going on here, but until proven otherwise, I have to assume this is a WCW-like technical snafu.

They started brawling in the crowd, with Cena stalking Jesus up and down the aisles as Jesus was basically just trying to get away from him. Carlito hit Cena from behind and then hightailed it out of there as fast as he could. Cena stalked after both of them in a pretty methodical fashion, like he was the Frankenstein monster or something. Cena chopped away on Jesus as Cole just suddenly realized that Jesus hadn’t really had much offense in this match. Jesus tried something at that point, but to no avail, as Cena no sold it and went back to business. Cena jumped off the guardrail onto Jesus. Tazz said that his performance tonight proved Cena was a thug. Sure. Sure it did. Cena grabbed a trash can lid and a something metal and walloped Jesus over the head with both items. Cena finally hit the F-U to put Jesus and the match out of its misery. At this point, the match went back to color. Don’t tell me they switched to black and white to make some kind of artistic statement about how “gritty” the match was or something. Because that would just be asinine. Carlito tried to grab the chain after the match, but Cena cut him off and took it for himself. He punched Carlito out with it and then celebrated his victory as the fans went completely nuts. God bless him, he’s over.

***They showed Layfield taking on Angle in the Play Station 2 Raw vs. Smackdown video game. Unfortunately, they just showed some of the middle portion of the match, and didn’t show who won in that match. That made me very sad.

***In the ring, Al Snow introduced the final two contestants in the Tough Enough competition. Mizanin was first. Cole told us he was 24 years old, and could be known from his appearances on reality shows in recent years. Puder is a 23 year old cage fighter from the Ultimate Fighting Championships, according to Cole. Mizanin gave Puder a phony “good luck” hug when they were both in the ring. Snow said he was proud of both of them, but there could only be one winner. He revealed then that Puder had won the competition. No big surprise there. Anyone that uses the argument against Puder that everyone else in the competition was against him as proof that he didn’t deserve to win it isn’t looking at the big picture, because they were probably just as likely to be against him because they knew he was the favorite, and if they got rid of him, they would all have that much better a chance to win it themselves. Puder said he has been working as hard as he could to win this competition, and he wasn’t going to stop there, because he was going to continue working to prove that he could be a WWE superstar. Snow asked him how he would like to main event WrestleMania next year. Puder obviously said that would be great. Snow said he was glad to hear that, because he just cleared it with Long that the winner of the competition (Puder, duh) would get to be entered into the Royal Rumble, and thus fight for a shot at the champion at WrestleMania. Puder was ecstatic.

***Backstage, Angle said that America needed a hero to look up to in his day and age. Unlike those thugs in basketball that go into the crowd and attack the fans. Unlike the baseball players that break records by cheating and using unsavory tactics. Unlike the hockey players that can’t even be bothered to show up for work. The man he had in mind to be this hero? Himself, of course. He has a point there. Reigns told him that he and Jindrak would take out any members of JBL’s cabinet if they tried to interfere in the match. Reigns then said that ever since the three-on-one match at the PPV, his back has been killing him. He not so subtly implied that he wished Angle would provide health care to him and Jindrak to take care of such issues. Angle said the important thing was that he had a big match coming up that he had to focus his attention on. Reigns agreed with that. Angle vowed to become a five time World Champion.

***The announcers helpfully reinforced what the aforementioned segment told us, that Angle vs. Layfield for the WWE Title was coming up next.

Until the day comes when a cigarette knocks on my door, jumps into my mouth, lights itself and inhales itself into my lungs, I find it hard to find complete and total fault with the cigarette companies themselves. Let’s point the finger in the right place here.

***Creed is a horrible band. What’s more, they broke up. Despite this, WWE is using their song “One” to promote them coming to the Middle East for next week’s show. In case you forgot you were watching WCW Smackdown, there’s just another little reminder for you. You’re welcome. Creed, go away.

(3) Kurt Angle defeated John “Bradshaw” Layfield by disqualification. The finish came when Orlando Jordan interfered in the match on behalf of Layfield.

The Beginning: Before the match, Teddy Long joined Cole and Tazz in the announce booth. Long said that on next week’s show, it would be Heidenreich vs. Undertaker in the Middle East. I feel even worse for the troops now than I did before. At this point, Joy came out, wearing the skimpiest possible Santa outfit and was tossing candy out to the crowd. No particular reason for this, other than to get another faceless woman on the show. Major Gunns, Madusa, Pamela Paulshock. . . Joy, Amy, Torrie Wilson. . . Oh, sorry. Layfield came to the ring with his entire cabinet, but actually walked down to the ring, and was not aided in any way by his long white limo with the bullhorns on the front. Cole asked Long if it was fair to have Layfield defend his title only four days after having to defend the belt at the PPV against three other guys. Long said he ordered it because it was what the people wanted to see. Joy gave Layfield some Christmas candy, which Amy took offense to. The two women had a catfight which was at least as good as any other catfight in the annals of Smackdown history. They separated the two and Amy said she was calm now, but that was a Vinnie Ru swerve, because she turned around and stripped Joy of her top. Which meant that you could see exactly as much cleavage as you could before she got stripped down. Joy returned the favor to Amy. Long exercised his authority by tossing everyone at ringside from the match and essentially leveling the playing field to just Layfield vs. Angle as the show went to commercial break.

The Middle: Back from commercial break and the match was already in progress. Layfield had Angle backed up in the corner. Angle took Layfield down and worked some holds on him. Layfield got out of it by punching away on Angle with some big time right hands. Angle reversed a whip into the opposite corner and hit a beautiful belly-to-belly on Layfield. Well, even when the show reaches new lows, you can always count on Angle to save things with a stellar in-ring performance. Layfield hit a high elbow (that’s three too many for that move on this show, I must add) on Angle. Fans were getting behind Angle here, chanting “Let’s Go Angle.” Layfield hit a suplex into a pinning combination, but only got two. He locked on a pseudo-sleeper rest hold thingie. Angle played complete face here, using the fans’ cheers as motivation to mount his comeback. Angle tried a belly-to-belly, but Layfield sort of blocked it. So Angle locked on the anklelock. Layfield managed to get to the ropes to break things up, thankfully for him. Outside the ring, Layfield whipped Angle into the 20,410 pound steel ring steps. At this juncture (like that?!) in the match, they went to their final commercial break.

Because some 8,000 year old guy stepped out in front of a car that you should have been able to clearly see coming, that even had its lights on, you shouldn’t do drugs.

Back from break, and Layfield had Angle in a hold of some type. Tazz identified it as a top wristlock right after I typed that. Thank you, Tazz. Angle armdragged his way out of it. Layfield hit a big time shoulder block take down and then went back to work on the arm. He had on a sort-of cross arm breaker, according to Tazz, but Angle got to the ropes. Layfield worked the arm and shoulder area some, and then went for a slam. Angle wiggled his way out of it and hit an inverted DDT to try to turn the tide in the match. Angle slugged away on Layfield and then knocked him down with a flying forearm. Layfield, however, caught Angle’s next move attempt and hit a fallaway slam. Tazz said he used to call that a tabletop suplex. I like that. Angle hit a couple German suplexes, another move I think they should ban, because of how it could do permanent damage to a guy’s neck. Just ask Chris Benoit. Hell, just ask Angle himself. Angle went for the Angle Slam but Layfield countered out of it. Layfield tried to hit a big boot, but Angle ducked out of the way. Angle locked on the anklelock, but Layfield rolled over and countered his way out of it by kicking Angle away. Angle finally hit the Angle Slam. He only got a two count for this. Layfield hit what Tazz identified as a flying armbar on Angle to stem the tide. Layfield signaled that things were over and went for his powerbomb. Angle sunset flipped his way out of it and locked on the anklelock once again. Layfield struggled to get to the ropes as Jordan came out of nowhere to try to break things up. This was hilarious, as he came running in after Angle, who promptly just ducked and backdropped Jordan to the floor. Outside the ring, the Bashams were going at it with Jindrak and Reigns. This allowed Jordan to come back in and waffle Angle with the title belt. Of course, the referee was still concerned more about the stuff going on outside the ring, because we all know that what’s happening several feet away from the ring between people that aren’t even in the match is much more important than that loud thud you just heard behind you in the middle of the ring. In any event, this only got a two count. Angle then once again locked on the anklelock. Jordan ran in for a third time and attacked Angle, this time causing for the disqualification. What a horrid finish.

The End: Layfield’s cabinet and Angle’s crew were brawling after the match when Big Show hit the ring. In a night of Dusty’s pet peeves, I have to point out another one. As Big Show came to the ring, they played his music. It’s like there’s a guy right behind the curtain where the wrestlers come out to the ring with a stereo and a CD that has everyone’s entrance music on it. Big Show could calmly walk up to the guy, give him the nod that says I’m about to run in there and whip some ass, and the guy could look on his little list, note that Big Show’s song is number 12 on this particular mix tape, cue it up and Big Show could be on his way. Honestly, it’s just another little thing that makes wrestling look even more phony than it has to look. For once, I wish a guy could do a run in without his music playing. You know, if his ego could take that.

So yeah, Show ran in on everyone at this point, for no real discernible reason. He chokeslammed Jindrak and Reigns, and then both Bashams simultaneously. There’s no better way to get the Bashams over as a legitimate, title-worthy tag team than to have them get laid to waste on each and every Smackdown. Show then took out Jordan with his F-500 (the phat version of Brock Lesnar’s F-5). Which means Lesnar can’t be far away from returning to the show. As if this show couldn’t get any worse, now it looks like Lesnar is going to return. And who wouldn’t welcome back a guy to their company that walked out on them in order to try to become a huge football star. A great guy, a real locker room leader, that would never do something like cheat on his wife, who walked out on the company to pursue some pie in the sky fantasy of becoming a football player because being a pro wrestler was beneath him, and he can just get welcomed back to the company like this. I want to puke. In any event, Show indicted to Layfield that he planned on taking his title belt from him, so it smells like a three way match between Show, Angle and Layfield is in the company’s future plans.

Quotes of the Night

Layfield: They say in history, all things come in threes. FDR ending the Great Depression. Ronald Reagan tearing down the Berlin Wall. And last Sunday, in Atlanta, the greatest, the great example of sports entertainment in history just happened. I did not just defeat three people. I defeated three of the greatest WWE superstars of all time – thereby etching my name in stone as the champion of all champions.

-After reading Layfield the riot act
Angle: So don’t you come out here with your over the top, ridiculous championship celebration. In case you forgot, I invented the over the top, ridiculous championship celebrations, bucko.

Jordan: Everybody knows that JBL is gonna win tonight.
Reigns: Yeah right.
Jordan: That’s right.
Reigns: You’re forgetting something. Kurt Angle’s an Olympic gold medalist.
Jordan: Well, JBL’s the WWE Champion.
Reigns: Kurt Angle’s a multi-time WWE Champion.
Jordan: JBL’s got national radio shows.
Reigns: Big deal. Kurt Angle’s been honored at the White House.
Jordan: JBL gives to charity.
Reigns: Well, Kurt Angle visits orphans. Sick orphans.
Jordan: JBL helps old people.
Reigns: Kurt Angle’s kind to animals.
Jordan: JBL gives all his employees full health care and benefits.
Reigns: Did you say full health care?
Jordan: That’s right. And dental, too.
Reigns: Does that include chiropractors?
Jordan: You know, it’s a very comprehensive plan.
Reigns: No kidding.
Jordan: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me Kurt doesn’t do the same?
Reigns: You know what – forget it. You tell JBL after that match tonight, he’s going to need all the health care he can get.

Tazz: They are the former champs – the Golden Warrior and the French Phenom. Let’s see if they can handle the likes of Booker T and Eddie Guerrero.
Cole: It’s actually the “Bronze Warrior.”
Tazz: What did I call him?
Cole: Golden. (calls action)
Tazz: Well, sometimes he’s gold or platinum. He’s everything. He’s like a multi-metallic, flavored thing or something.

Layfield: I am the champion of all champions. I have overcome more obstacles than anybody in WWE history. I am going to beat Kurt Angle. And I am going to beat Kurt Angle tonight!
Amy Weber: And after tonight, you’ll be heading overseas to represent Smackdown and the WWE!
Layfield: Overseas?
Weber: Well yeah. The WWE Champion headlines next week’s show in the Middle East. It’ll be great for your image.
Layfield: Amy, that’s a war zone. I mean, soldiers are fighting, and it’s great to see them and all, but it’s a volunteer army, and I didn’t volunteer to do anything like that. I don’t want to end up on some TV show as a hostage in Decapistan or something.

Carlito: Theodore Long – he’s out to get you. I know that because he’s been after me ever since the day I came to Smackdown. And that? That’s not cool.

Angle: You know, speaking of Major League Baseball, and everything else that’s going on in sports today, I’ll tell you what America needs. America needs an athlete, a hero. A hero pure of body and spirit. Someone they can look up to. Not like those professional basketball players, those thugs, who attack fans. Or those baseball players who break records but lie and cheat about it. Or the NHL players who don’t even show up for work. I’m going to be a champion that everyone can respect.
Reigns: You know, if Orlando or any one of JBL’s boys gets involved, I’m going to take them out.
Angle: You’re damn right.
Reigns: (holding his back) As long as I can.
Jindrak: What’s wrong with you, man?
Reigns: My back, man. It’s killing me. Ever since that match Sunday against the Big Show.
Jindrak: Don’t remind me.
Reigns: I mean, it’s hard to find a good doctor these days. Health care is really expensive these days.
Angle: What the hell are you talking about?!
Reigns: You know what, never mind. We’ll talk about it later.

Long: Next week, Heidenreich will go one on one with the Undertaker, right here on Smackdown from the Middle East. How about that, playa?
Cole: Next week – what a holiday gift for the troops!

Cheap Plug: Be sure to check out the “Smackdown Lowdown” thread in the Lounge Zone of the VIP Forum message board and join Paul Madavi and myself in discussing the latest happenings on Smackdown and anything else you so choose.

***Dusty Giebink now does the Smackdown Express reviews each and every week for PWTorch.com. He does his for all the readers who would rather watch coherent things and then read the recap later. Bastards! He can be contacted at dusty13@gmail.com if you have something to say.

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