Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
December 6, 2004
Taped 12/2/2004
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

Alright, it's time for the insomniac's favorite wrestling show! It's time for Velocity!

***

We kick things off with our standard, hasn't been updated in ages intro video. Once again, no pyro this week.

(1) Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns defeated Nunzio and Funaki when Jindrak pinned Funaki.

Pre-Match Analysis: Josh Matthews started off by cornily wishing us "Season's beatings," which rightfully drew ridicule from Bill DeMott. Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns made their way down to the ring while Bill pointed out how the holidays are a painful time for Luther Reigns. Josh reminded everyone that he likes calling Reigns "the Demon from the Desert." He went on to refer to Nunzio and Funaki as "the new FBI." I think we all know which way this one will go, but it should be a fun match given the cruiser involvement of these two solid workers.

Match Analysis: Funaki used his speed to gain a quick advantage with a chop and a gut kick, but Reigns quickly took control, throwing Funaki to the corner. Funaki dodged a run from Reigns, tagging in his partner Nunzio. Reigns had Nunzio in his arms, but Funaki dropkicked him from the top rope to send Reigns down with Nunzio on top. Reigns regained control and tagged in Jindrak, who beat down Nunzio in the corner before tagging Nunzio back in. They double teamed Nunzio, shoving him hard to the ground. Reigns hit a crossface punch to the head of Nunzio before moving into a head vise. Nunzio tried making it to his corner for a tag, but Reigns dragged him away from the corner and tagged in Jindrak after punching Nunzio in the head. Jindrak hit a suplex on Nunzio and nipped up afterward. Jindrak hit a series of elbow drops to Nunzio's chest, with a sexual gyration after the second elbow drop, finishing it off with number three. DeMott pointed out that it was the same mannerism as Rick Rude. Reigns tagged in. Nunzio tried hitting a sunset flip, but Reigns countered. Nunzio attacked Reigns from his knees with shots to the gut, but to no avail, taking down Nunzio. Reigns applied a sitting surfboard/chinlock. Reigns moved into a side headlock in a kneeling position on the seated Nunzio. Nunzio made his way to a vertical position and threw forearms to Reigns' midsection, but Reigns hit a clubbing blow to the back to stop Nunzio from fully escaping. Reigns tagged in Jindrak. Reigns whipped Jindrak into Nunzio, with Jindrak driving his shoulder into Nunzio. Reigns tagged in and they tried to do the same spot with Reigns attacking, but Nunzio moved out of the way, leaving Reigns' shoulder with nothing but ringpost. Funaki tagged in and went for a dropkick, but Reigns countered. Jindrak tagged in for a double team attack on Funaki, hitting a combination hiptoss/powerslam on Funaki. Jindrak hit the Mark of Excellence and moved into the cover. Nunzio tried to run in for the save, but Reigns ran in and delivered a big boot to stop him short, allowing Jindrak to pick up the pinfall. After the match was over, we saw a recap of the modified double team hip toss from Reigns and Jindrak, as well as the Mark of Excellence into the pin. We were also reminded that Team Angle 2004 (Angle, Reigns, and Jindrak) will be facing off against the Big Show at Armageddon. I'm hoping they don't job like they did at Survivor Series, but knowing WWE, they probably will.

Match Grade: B-. A decent match, with nice work from everyone here. Jindrak and Reigns are starting to gel as a tag team, and when RVD and Rey win the tag titles, I'm betting they'll defend against Kenzo and Dupree before moving on to face Jindrak and Reigns. Nunzio and Funaki do some great work together, bumping like madmen and making Jindrak and Reigns look gold. They also got in a few nice offensive spots.

Tonight: Chavo Guerrero versus Billy Kidman. Yes, the big money match from the Shooting Star Press storyline is going to be on Velocity baby!

Still to come: The Undertaker faced off against JBL's posse on this past week's Smackdown!

Promo time: JBL is defending his title in a fatal four-way against all of his previous major title contenders, including Eddie Guerrero, the Undertaker, and Booker T, next Sunday at Armageddon!

Commercial break: Blade 3 looks cool, but I still don't think that line about how one of the vampires "never had to evolve" is that intimidating. What, is he like a vampire monkey or something? We also saw another Smackdown versus Raw promo, and I love how they milk this commercial by shooting about five different endings for it. Tonight's version had the sleazebag restaurant guy asking them to kiss and make up. I would also like to note that I figured out how to make the girls kiss in the game. Yes, I have far too much free time on my hands.

Promo time: WWE 24/7 looks great. Like, giant candy bar great. I hate Comcast Cable so much for not providing this. I urge you all to write in to your local cable companies to beg for this service to be added.

Smackdown last Thursday: Ryan Reeves was eliminated from Tough Enough this week, surprising yours truly, as I expected Justice to be taken out. We were then shown the Tough Enough guys in drag hitting on Hardcore Holly. Mike "the Miz" Mizanin was far too convincing, including asking Hardcore to have anal sex with him. Yikes. Justice Smith reminded me of Finesse Mitchell from Saturday Night Live when he does his Starkeesha character. Justice gave "Mr. Hardcore" some "crunk juice" and some lobster. Just scary. Daniel Puder started running toward Hardcore before the music even started. Puder had the world's largest breasts. He tried giving Hardcore a Puder teddy bear. Puder commented on Hardcore's butt when he turned around, apparently ready to vomit. The "ladies" lined up afterward, and Al Snow noted that they were enjoying this way too much. Al Snow asked the audience if they preferred "Michelle Mizanin," "Justina Smith," or "Daniella Puder." Puder seems to be going heel, as he drew a lot of boos. Michelle Mizanin won, and my mind can barely conceive that this was on a wrestling show. We were also told that that two of the remaining contestants would be facing off at Armageddon, and we saw those neat moving graphics of the three remaining contestants.

Tonight: Chavo Guerrero versus Billy Kidman baby! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

WrestleMania Recall: We saw WrestleMania 5, with Hulk Hogan fighting Randy Savage, ending with Hogan dropping the leg on Savage to finish him off and hoist that World Wrestling Federation title.

Commercial break: Viewtiful Joe 2 is out for GameCube. I rented the original Viewtiful Joe game, and I have to say that's the hardest but still ridiculously fun game I've ever played. It took me days playing this thing just to beat the second level. A definite thumbs up, and I can't wait to check out the sequel.

Promo time: Last year WWE went to visit the Middle East and do a show for the troops for the holidays. This year, they're going back. Sometimes I think that WWE is run by terrible, terrible people, but it's reassuring to know they do right from time to time. Of course, they also used this as a chance to promote Creed's song "One," so it's not totally altruistic.

We got a flashback of when Smackdown went to Baghdad last year. We also saw Colonel Spain, who was there in Baghdad, at Smackdown this past week, with tears in his eyes.

(2) Paul London defeated Akio.

Pre-Match Analysis: Paul London made his way out in some snazzy blue ring gear, including a sweet vest. London had a ton of energy, and jumped up and did a backflip off the turnbuckle. Why is this guy on Velocity? Oh yeah, he's not six feet tall. My bad. Akio made his way out next, in his fantastic suit and sunglasses. Josh Matthews informed us that Akio just got done shooting a movie in Georgia. Bill questioned Josh's dubious information, but they quickly moved on. Also tomorrow, Josh will be hosting Experience! Holy crap!

Match Analysis: We got a tie-up with Akio quickly taking down London. Akio took London into the corner. Akio shoved London instead of a clean break, and London shoved right back. Akio had a hammerlock in the middle of the ring on London, but London ran around and sent Akio through the ropes. When Akio got back in the ring, London took advantage of his position, but Akio hit a back heel trip to move into a side headlock on the mat. London threw Akio off into the ropes, but Akio hit a shoulder block. In a nice spot, London grabbed Akio's foot and tripped him. London hit the Mushroom Stomp and a dropkick, sending Akio to the outside. London stomped his feet in the ring, playing to the crowd. London then hit a somersault senton to the outside on Akio, which we got a quick replay of. London sent Akio back inside. London tried kicking Akio, but London got caught, flipping London over. However, London's legs got caught up in the ropes and he landed in a sick fashion, prompting a "Holy sh**!" from Josh Matthews, bleeped of course. Akio capitalized briefly. Akio quickly regained control though, hitting an enzuigiri on London for a quick cover. There was some fast back and forth action, ending with London hitting a jumping sidekick to Akio, sending both men to the mat. London got up and hit a big chop, and we had a chop battle between these two men, with two chops form each, then punches from both men at one another. They then traded kicks, and London yelled for Akio to "come on!" London eventually got the advantage, hitting a series of kicks. London's chest was lit up red. London hit a dropsault, but Akio fired back with a moonsault for a two count. London fought back and hit a jumping kick to the face. London went up top, and this felt like a freakin' Ring of Honor match. London took too long, and Akio got up, knocking London down on the turnbuckle. Akio went up top for a hurracanrana, but London fired back, sending Akio down to the mat. London leapt off and hit a mid-air DDT into the cover for a finish. Matthews declared it a "five star match."

DeMott's Turning Point: When London got hung up in the ropes and hit his head, DeMott noted that it should have been the turning point. We also saw a recap of London's sweet flying DDT to finish the match.

Match Grade: A+. The best match since I've been reviewing Velocity. As good as you're likely to ever see on Velocity. This match set a new B-show standard, and I still am flabbergasted at the fact that these guys aren't getting any publicity and aren't on the flagship show. Velocity: The real exclusive home of cruiserweight action! Josh and Bill were just on on commentary, too, selling this match 110 percent. If you have any way of seeing this match, do so. Just wonderful.

Up next: JBL takes out his aggression on the Undertaker. Stay tuned while I catch my breath from that last match!

Promo time: Smackdown is coming live to a town near you, and if they put on a match that's anything like that, you need to be there.

Commercial break: I still don't quite get why they thought Rob Van Dam was the best guy to use for these Metroid Prime 2: Echoes commercials. I guess it's because they figure stoners play a lot of video games.

WWE Slam of the Week: On Smackdown this week, the Bashams managed to take out Eddie Guerrero and Booker T. Score one for JBL's Secretaries of Defense!

Smackdown last Thursday: The Undertaker demanded a handicap match against JBL and Orlando Jordan. Taker was in control as we joined the match, going wild on both men, including splashes to both men. Taker set up both men for chokeslams, but JBL kicked Taker in the groin for the intentional disqualification. JBL held Taker for Jordan to attack. They tried for a double clothesline on Taker, but Taker ducked and hit his own clothesline on both men, followed by a chokeslam on Jordan and a Tombstone Piledriver setup on JBL, but the Bashams ran in for the save. Taker tossed both of them out, allowing JBL to hit a book boot. Taker sat up but JBL hit a Clothesline from Hell. Taker sat up again, more slowly this time. Taker got a crazed look on his face. JBL responded by hitting Taker in the head with the WWE Title. The Bashams came in to continue the beatdown on Taker. Should any one man need this many wrestlers to take him out? Oh, yeah, he's the Undertaker. Sorry, I forgot. Ugh. JBL kept up the beating on Taker in the corner, and then picked up his title and yelled at him "This belongs to me! You will never have it!" Josh and Bill ran down the four way championship match at Armageddon, as well as Rey and RVD versus Kenzo and Dupree for the WWE Tag Team Titles. We've also got that Dixie Dogfight between the last two Tough Enough competitors, whoever they may be. My money's on the Miz and Puder. We've also got Dawn Marie versus Miss Jackie with Charlie Haas as the special referee. The Big Show will be taking on Angle, Reigns, and Jindrak in a handicap match. Finally, we've got John Cena versus Jesus, with Carlito Caribbean Cool, in a street fight for the U.S. Title.

Up next: Chavo Guerrero. Billy Kidman. On Velocity. Could this be the best Velocity ever? Find out, next!

Promo time: We saw Triple H putting over his character from Blade: Trinity. He talked about his character in hyperbolic terms, of course. Of course, he also had to admit that he's basically Parker Posey's, for lack of a better term, bitch in this movie. This looks pretty sweet, and while I may go see Ocean's Twelve that opening weekend, Blade: Trinity will be next on my list.

Commercial break: Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater looks quite good. Not as good as that Akio vs. London match, but still good. Triple H will also be hosting a night on Casino Night on Spike TV next week, so look out for that.

WWE Rewind: Billy Kidman went up top in August 2004 and hit a shooting star press on Chavo Guerrero, giving Chavo a concussion and beginning the development of Kidman's personality.

(3) Billy Kidman defeated Chavo Guerrero.

Pre-Match Analysis: Kidman came out first, wearing a red ring jacket. You can run, but you can't hide baby, whoo! Bill DeMott described Billy with one word, "confidence," while Josh used the word "cockiness." I know there's a way I could use the first four letters of that word to make a great Josh slam, but I'll let you figure that one out yourself. Chavo made his way out next, tapping his wrist and telling Billy that his time has come. Kidman made the international sign for craziness by spinning his finger next to his head, showing his belief that he would be victorious. Billy stalked the outside of the ring as Chavo posed inside. Billy started to make his way into the ring and Chavo tried to attack, but the ref tried to keep Chavo away. The same thing happened again but the ref rung the ring bell anyway.

Match Analysis: While Chavo was talking with the ref, Kidman snuck in to attack, but Chavo countered and Kidman rolled to the outside while Chavo complained to the ref. Kidman was also sporting some stubble. They locked up, and Chavo went for a go behind. Kidman went for a hammerlock, but Chavo hit a modified suplex. Chavo hit a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Kidman into an armbar with his legs around Kidman's torso. Kidman began standing out of the move. Chavo took Kidman into the corner and the ref called for the break. Kidman tried getting a boot in Chavo's face, but Chavo took Kidman down. Kidman tried getting out of the ring. Chavo tried to stop him, but Kidman snapped Chavo's arm over the top rope. Kidman kept up the work on Chavo's left shoulder. Chavo hit an uppercut and Kidman shot Chavo out of the ring to lead us into a commercial break.

Commercial break: I agree with the guy in the Smackdown Vs. Raw commercial who says "I love this restaurant!" Why aren't there half naked girls fighting in any restaurants that I go to?

Match Analysis (Continued): Back from break, Kidman had Chavo down in the corner. We were informed that Kidman had been working the shoulder during the break. Kidman went for a hip toss but Chavo blocked. Kidman delivered a modified DDT on Chavo for a short cover. Kidman kept working that shoulder, kicking it and then stretching it over the middle rope. Kidman hit a modified armdrag into a modified submission, with his knee driving into the middle of Chavo's arm as Kidman held the wrist. Kidman moved into an armbar, but Chavo fought out. Kidman again used the ropes on that left shoulder. Kidman started repeatedly punching the shoulder in the corner, but the ref forced a break. Kidman hit a back suplex and moved into a cover, hooking the leg for two. Kidman twisted the left arm and moved into another submission, wrapping the arm around Kidman's own leg. Chavo started searching for crowd support, but they were rather unresponsive. Kidman had been working on the arm for about six or seven minutes. Chavo started fighting back with his right hand. Kidman went for a dropkick, but came up empty. Chavo applied a jackknife pin for two. There was a brief slugfest. Chavo went for a flying clothesline, followed by a series of regular clotheslines on Kidman. Kidman went for his trademark bulldog, but Chavo countered. Chavo slammed Kidman and made a cover for two. Chavo uppercutted Kidman in the corner twice. Kidman hit a rake to the eye. Kidman followed up with the BK Bomb and set up Chavo for the Shooting Star Press. Kidman went up top, but Chavo got up and shook Kidman off the top rope to the mat. Chavo was trying to set up for the Gory Special, but Kidman quickly took him down and put his feet on the ropes to pick up the pinfall victory! Josh emphasized that Chavo isn't done with Kidman. Kidman pointed to his head afterward, putting over his clever thinking in this match.

Match Grade: B-. A decent two segment cruiser match. Not fantastic, but logically sound, with Kidman continually working Chavo's left shoulder throughout the match. Still, I would have liked to see a little bit more from these two. There just weren't many surprises. I'm thinking they're saving that for when/if they decide to finish this feud on the Thursday night show, possibly even on pay-per-view as this formerly thrilling feud deserves.

Final Grade: B+. A solid episode of Velocity, with one really spectacular but short cruiser match, one meaningful good but not great cruiser match, and one tag squash with some nice cruiser and tag team work. Josh and Bill did a great job tonight on commentary, and I hope I conveyed some of that for you. I would like to see London and Akio get a two segment rematch next week, and I wouldn't mind seeing them find a more substantial reason for these two to be feuding and move it up to Smackdown.

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Thanks for tuning in! Feel free to send your faithful Velocity reporter all your thoughts, questions, etc. I love your feedback, so drop me a line! For our Jewish friends, be sure to have a happy Chanukkah, and for everyone, have a merry Chrismukkah! Until next time, do good works and remember to smile.

Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com, although he wonders where the heck Doron Barbalat is. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink fan club, Dusty's Finishers. He also writes regularly on all sorts of fun stuff on his blog, Tap Out. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at roemd03@stolafalum.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.

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