By Keith Lipinski, Torch Team Contributor

Last week..

08/27/2003 After week-after-week of show-stealing matches against one another, the team of Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger (with manager Glenn Gilberti and the Disqo duck) defeated 2003 Tag Team of the year candidates America's Most Wanted ("Wildcat" Chris Harris & "Cupcake Cowboy" James Storm) with the "Problem Solver" to finally win the NWA World Tag Team Championship at the Asylum in Nashville, TN. In a spectacular and innovative spot, Harris put Storm on his shoulders for a nice chicken fight and went to superplex Simon Diamond from the top rope. However Swinger (from Atlanta) came underneath and powerbombed both Harris & Storm as Diamond took the superplex. Wow. NWATNA.com reported Storm suffered a concussion "as a result of the incredible quadruple super-powerbomb-brainbuster."

The finish of the match came when the "Wildcat" went to hit Glen Gilberti due to his constant interference, and swanky cowboy hat and western duds. However, Glen "the gift" Gilberti had a gift for Harris indeed! That gift was a steel-folding chair with his name on it (not literally ala Balls Mahoney). After Gilberti nailed Harris with a chair, and Simon rolled up Harris for the pin at 9:20 to become the new champions. The America's Most Wanted vs. Simon & Swinger has been an extremely entertaining OLD SCHOOL tag team feud with saucy slow build.

After the match, Simon & Swinger (from Atlanta) celebrated with fellow wacky comrades or "circus of goofs", The Wonder Twins (the Prodigy & the Prodigette), Mitch goes to Hollywood (better known as "Umbrella Guy"), Dick Hurtz (better known as Simon's big Dick), and the Musketeer! To think it was only three years ago, Simon was in the men's room staring at a mirror looking not to be a joke or a "comedy act" any more. Then fate, in the form of Swinger coming out of the third bathroom stall, took over and told him not to "sing it but swing it." Thus concludes this week's episode of the definitive history of the Simon & Swinger tag team. Please join us next time as C.W. Anderson enters the fold and causes the team to become even more serious, and the dramatic sword fight between the Musketeer and Tommy Dreamer, see you next time!

08/29/2003 From the former "Madhouse of Extreme" in Queens, New York, the formally retired Mikey Whipwreck & Wayne defeated The Boogie Knights (not Disco & Alex Wright with Tokyo Magnum, but the newly retired (see below) Danny Drake & Mike Tobin) to win the USA Pro Tag Team Championship. During the match, Whipwreck went for the his poison mist, borrowed from his old tag team partner Tajiri, but hit referee Rob Hanson instead. Whipwreck then borrowed another TajiriWreck double team spot, as both Whipwreck & Wayne placed the Boogie Knights on top of one another hanging outside the apron and did double chair dropkicks along the apron.

The match ended when Whipwreck hit Drake with a "whippersnapper" off the second turnbuckle for the pin. After the match, the entire USA Pro Wrestling locker room emptied out to pay homage to the Knight's Danny Drake, who announced he was retiring due to continued pain from a neck injury suffered working Jersey All Pro Wrestling last year against The Hit Squad. Also on the show, Slyk Wagner Brown with the lovely April Hunter defeated Mike Kruel to win the USA Pro United States Championship after Billy Reil interfered and attacked both men, yet Sylk got the cover on Kruel first for the title.

The fans in the "Madhouse" were said to have given Slyk a hard time by chanting "Koko B. Ware" and "We want Frankie." The only two things Koko and Slyk have in common are the following: both are African American with dyed blonde hair, and both of them believe sometimes love feels just like a piledriver. Finally, "The All Around Best" Xavier pinned Reefer after his 450 splash to win the USA Pro X-Treme Championship.

08/31/2003 On the final night of the latest Zero-One tour, in the mecca of manhood known as "Planet" Shawn Stasiak known as Gifu, Japan. World 1Jr. Heavyweight Champion Wataru Sakata, defeated NWA/UPW/Zero-One International Junior Heavyweight Champion Low Ki in 15:53 with a sleeper hold to win the title in a double title unification match. Unfortunately, Low Ki lost more then just a golden title belt to hold his pants up, as he will be forced to miss the upcoming Ring Of Honor/Zero-One/NWA-TNA dates, as he suffered a broken jaw during the match. Low Ki has been pulled from Saturday's Ring Of Honor show, and will be out of action "indefinitely" which makes me very sad (gee, I wonder how Low Ki feels). In order to make myself and more importantly Low Ki very happy, lets take a look at his successful near one year title reign courtesy of Strong Style Spirit website:

10/26/2002 (first defense) defeated Naohiro Hoshikawa (14:51) with the Phoenix splash - Sapporo, Japan

11/10/2002 (second defense) defeated The Amazing Red with the Dragon clutch - Pottstown, PA

01/05/2003 (third defense) defeated AJ Styles (17:03) with the Dragon clutch - Tokyo, Japan

03/16/2003 (fourth defense) defeated Quiet Storm (17:37) with the Dragon clutch - Pottstown, PA

04/04/2003 (fifth defense) defeated Kid Vicious (21:38) with a Ki splash - Kobe, Japan

05/02/2003 (sixth defense) defeated Tatsuhito Takaiwa (24:59) with the Ki Crusher - Tokyo, Japan

08/05/2003 (seventh defense) defeated Yoshihito Sasaki (13:14) with the Ki Crusher - Nagano, Japan

08/27/2003 (eighth defense) defeated Naohiro Hoshikawa (12:30) with an avalanche-style Ki Crusher - Tokyo, Japan

Also on the show, the team of Emblem (Shinjiro Otani & Masato Tanaka) defeated Steve Corino (with two black eyes and a broken eardrum) & C.W. Anderson to regain the NWA Intercontinental Tag Team Title in front of 2,700 fans rocking the Gifu Industrial Hall. The finish saw Corino submit to Otani's lethal "cobra hold" in 13:04 to win the titles for a second time.

09/03/2003 In the most bizarre title change of the year, yours truly Keith Lipinski, is the new World Magma the Grata (WMG) Champion. Now, I know you, the reader, have a million questions about how I will lead World Japan into the twenty-third century, or how Kane survived a flaming dumpster. Perhaps you are wondering how I won such a prestigious title, or my many fighting disciplines in seven of the martial arts (including the mysterious way of the Ninja).

Well, the way I won the title was as easy as "ebay." You see, World Japan, as a young Japanese company with little Yen (money, scratch, clams, etc) does not have championship belts. Instead, titleholders receive a very special "certificate of merit." These certificates are so special that a janitor found WMG Champion Kensuke Sasaki's "certificate" lying on the ground after a show in Osaka and put the title up on ebay. Therefore after I win the auction, Paypal the seller and get positive feedback, I will be WMG Champion.

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This Week in Title History

09/09/1980 In the final round of an elimination tournament to crown World Wide Wrestling Federation World Tag Team Champions, The Wild Samoans Afa (Bill S. Preston, esq.) & Sika (Ted "Theodore" Logan) with the "Guiding Light" the 20 times tag team manager of the champions, Captain Lou Albano, defeated Tony Garea & Rene Goulet in Allentown, PA to win the WWE World Tag Team Title for a second time. WWWF World Champion Bob "Boy Howdy!" Backlund & Pedro Morales defeated The Samoans to win the belts, however Backlund vacated the titles when he couldn’t hold two championships at the same time. The other tag teams Albano has led to glory: Luke Graham and Tarzan Tyler, Baron Mikel Scicluna and King Curtis Laukea, Toru Tanaka and Mr. Fuji (2), Jimmy & Johnny Valiant, The Blackjack’s (Lanza & Mulligan), The Executioners (Killer Kowalski & Big John Studd), The Yukon Lumberjacks (Pierre & Eric), Johnny Valiant & Jerry Valiant, The Moondogs (Rex & King then Rex & Spot after King contracted rabies), Mr. Fuji & Mr. Saito (two times), The US Express (Captain Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham) (two times), The British Bulldogs (wacky prankster Dynamite Kid & The late Davey Boy Smith), The Headshrinkers (Fatu & Samu). Fatu would later try and make a difference, then became a Muslim Sultan, then fun loving ass rubbing man Rikishi.

09/09/1986 On the muthaship, Dusty Rhodes gave da bidness by clubberin and delivering much plunder to Arn Anderson and sloberknockin him in Columbia, SC to win the WCW Television Championship. The win made Dusty very happy in deep down in his belly-welly, for most watchers, the match was very drawersy. To translate the last sentence please go check out the "Dustyisms" here, if you weel!

09/09/1993 Shane Douglas became the golden boy or dynamic dude of ECW when he defeated former "Franchise" and "Matador" Tito Santana by forfeit to become Eastern Championship Wrestling's Heavyweight Champion.

09/09/2000 On what was supposed to be the final ECW ON TNN on the Friday Night Thrill Zone, Rhino defeated Kid Kash with a Gore through a table in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada to regain and become the final ECW Television Champion. The show was played on September 22, 2000 and had a rating of .8, which is the usual rating for "WWE Confidential." The show ended with a shocking cliffhanger where Jerry Lynn, Steve Corino and Justin Credible came down to the ring for a ECW tradition known as the three way dance for the ECW Title, and current MLW announcer Joey Styles signed off with "see you next week!" Two weeks later, there was no more "next week" as the romance had died between ECW and the former Nashville Network. Yes, my friends, The Network had finally won. Rhino gave up the television title on the final ECW Pay Per View show "Guilty As Charged 2001" when he stated "how could he be a television champion when ECW isn't on television anymore?" For a velvety, stubby armed, man beast, that Rhino sure does make a like of sense.

09/10/1980 Harley Race defeated Japanese Wrestling Legend and close personal friend of "Keith & Tom" of the "LWF Hypeline" Shohei “Giant” Baba in Otsu, Japan to win the NWA World Heavyweight Title for the fifth time.

09/10/1988 The greatest combination to be known as "The Midnight Express", "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton and "Sweet" Stan Lee (as opposed to Bart Gunn & Bob Holly, Randy Rose & Jack Victory, Dennis Condrey & Randy Rose, Denis Coundry & Bobby Eaton) defeated Horsemen and future "Brain Busters," the WWE bound Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard in Philadelphia, PA to win the NWA World Tag Team Title.

09/10/2001 "Olympic Hero" Kurt Angle defeated Rob Van Dam in San Antonio, TX to win the WWE Hardcore Title. During a very rare "Hardcore Match", Ellen Amy Cohen's favorite stoner attempted to deliver a devastating kick on the entrance ramp. However, Angle, as a good boy and drug free Olympian, caught the leg and applied the ankle lock for the tap out victory. A minute later, Rebel Alliance leader "Stone Cold" Steve Austin threw Angle off of the ramp. Austin, as a good leader following the orders of his watch, went to check on Van Dam and proceeded to throw him off the stage as well. Van Dam covered Angle to regain his title, ending Angle's glorious one-minute hardcore title reign. Also on the show, Tajiri (with inter-promotional girlfriend Torrie Wilson) defeated Chris "Alliance MVP" Kanyon to win the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship in a match, which featured a belt shot by Torrie on her "man." Tajiri recovered enough to hit Kanyon with his poison mist for the win, and title. Who needs a title though when you have the lovely Torrie Wilson (just ask Billy "Flea Circus" Kidman)?

09/11/1973 "The Guiding Light" Captain Lou Albnao's team of Professor Tanaka & Mr. Fuji defeated Tony Garea & Haystacks Calhoun in Philadelphia, PA to win the WWE World Tag Team Title. Later on in the scandalous history of the WWWF, it was revealed that Professor Tananka wasn't really a professor after all, and Captain Lou was just all four of Popeye's nephews (Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Poopeye) dressed in a hairy, obese, rubber band pierced, Cindi Lauper listening man-suit.

09/12/1982 In a tournament final G.I. Joe superstar and All American (except for a "dark period" in the early 1990's) Patriot Sgt. Slaughter & Don Kernodle defeated the Japanese Dream Team of Shohei "Giant" Baba & Antonio Inoki in Tokyo, Japan to win the NWA World Tag Team Title. Did you know: Inoki is promoting a "Jungle Fight" in the Amazon this month. The Mixed Martial Arts show will feature matches will take place on a floating ring in the middle of the Amazon rainforest and broadcast live on Pay Per View in Japan. Somehow, former Diet Senator believes the show is a great money making idea and won't take a financial bath on the logistics of a show in the jungle. Please send all "get well" cards and letters to the offices of New Japan Pro Wrestling.

09/12/1998 Two former Four Horsemen, Tully Blanchard & Barry Windham defeated The Border Patrol in the urban metropolis which is known as Lincolnton, NC to win the NWA World Tag Team Title.

09/12/1999 In the main event of "Fall Brawl 1999" from Winston-Salem, NC, Sting defeated Hulk Hogan to win the WCW World Heavyweight Title for the sixth (seventh if you count his run as NWA World Heavyweight Champion) and final time. The match saw run ins from the following: Diamond Dallas Page, Bret Hart, Sid Vicious, Lex Luger, and Latino Comedian George Lopez. Luger brought down a "ball bat," and Sting grabbed it, used it on Hogan in a most shocking manner. Sting then applied his scorpion death drop (which will always be "slop drop" to me) for the victory, and plenty of cheers for Stings heel turn. Also on the show Harlem Heat defeated the West Texas Rednecks of Barry & Kendall Windham to win the WCW World Tag Team Title for the ninth time. "The Millennium Man" with a record of 79-0, Sid Vicious defeated Chris Benoit to win the WCW United States Heavyweight Title. Benoit had Vicious beat with the crippler crossface, as Sid tapped out trying to reach the topes. Benoit went for his top rope headbutt, but Benoit missed and was powerbombed for his troubles and the loss. Also on the show: The "Filthy Animals" of Eddy Guerrero, Rey Mysterio Jr. & Kidman defeated Vampiro & WWE Oddities, and Blender magazine worst band of all time the Insane Clown Posse (Shaggy 2 Dope & Violent J.) when Kidman hit the shooting star press on Vampiro. Cruiserweight champion Lenny (along with West Hollywood Blonde Sign Guy Lodi) defeated owner of Glacier's gear, the almighty Jung Dragon, Kaz Hayashi. The "first family" of Brian Knobbs and Hugh Morrus defeated The Revolution of Shane Douglas & Dean Malenko, in the man of 1,000 holds specialty: the no disqualification match. The highlight of the last match was Shane Douglas asking "Saginaw, Michigan" if they were "ready for a revolution." Too bad they weren't in Saginaw anymore, and the Revolution was 0-2 for the evening. WCW Television Champion Rick Steiner defeated Saturn, making the Revolution 0-3. Berlyn defeated Hacksaw Duggan (substituting for Buff Bagwell, who's "plane was late" yet he had a note from his mother Judy Bagwell) thanks to Berlyn's bodyguard, Nitro, I mean "The Wall" (now known as "Gigantes" in All Japan Pro Wrestling). Goldberg defeated Diamond Dallas Page who tried to sneak in the following objects: A roll of quarters, the entire New Jersey Triad, a chain, and the Amazon's (from Nintendo Entertainment System's "Pro Wrestling" game) wrench.

09/13/1993 Canada's strongest team and the original Thuggin & Buggin Enterprises, The Quebecers (Jacques Rougeau & Pierre Oulette) with manager Johnny Polo defeated Rick & Scott Steiner in New York, NY to win the WWE World Tag Team Titles. The Steiner Brothers lost the titles by disqualification to win the titles under special Quebec Province Rules. Damn you Canadian rulebook!

09/13/1993 Native American Hero, yet "Million Dollar Sellout" Tatanka defeated Jerry Lawler in Memphis, TN to win the USWA Heavyweight Title.

09/13/1998 WCW held it's annual "Fall Brawl" pay per view, which without a doubt is one of the top five worst pay per view shows of all time (top of the list would be WCW's "Great American Bash 1991"). In the opener The British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith & Jim "The Anvil" Neihart defeated the "Dancing Fools" (later would be known as the Boogie Nights) Disco Inferno & Alex Wright after a Bulldog powerslam. The match saw Davey injured due to taking a bump on the (ultimate) Warrior's trap door, and turn to drugs. In what was sadly the Pay Per View Highlight of the night, Chris Jericho was lost inside the Bowls of the Winston Salem Coliseum unable to find the entrance rap. JPS (Jericho Personal Security) members Ralphus and the Jerichoholic Ninja were of no help. Jericho defeated "Goldberg" in a title vs. title match. Jericho left the ring with two title belts (WCW Television Championship and a Childs foam World title), shades of Jericho's "Undisputed" future. Former? Velocity commentator Ernest Miller defeated Norman Smiley with a red slipper kick. In a brother vs. brother match, Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner (with Buff Bagwell) went to a no-contest when Buff Bagwell faked a neck injury and was stretchered out. WCW Cruiserweight champion Juventud Guerrera defeated Silver King with a 450 splash. Saturn defeated Raven after a Death Valley Driver in a match to "free the flock." Dean Malenko defeated Curt Henning by disqualification after "special insurance policy" the late Rick Rude ran in. Konnan (representing nWo wolfpac) defeated Scott Hall (with Vincent and "his drink") with the tequila sunrise. Diamond Dallas Page won the two cage, 3 teams, 9 men mock-War Games by PINNING? Stevie Ray after a diamond cutter. Team WCW: Diamond Dallas Page, The Warrior, Roddy Piper Team n W o Wolfpac: Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, Sting Team n W o Hollywood: Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, Stevie Ray. Sadly, my only remembrance of this match was the smoke of the achients filling the two caged rings, and the warrior appearing. Hollywood went after him, but the smoke came up again and the warrior was gone, but Hogan was there with the oWn (one warrior nation get it?) leaders lovely airbrushed trench coat. The Warrior ran down only to get in the cage, beat up "fruity booty" Stevie Ray, then kick a hole in the cage and chase after Hulk Hogan. Sadly, there are times I romanticize the end of WCW and WCW in general, after remembering this match, I am now back down to planet Earth.

09/13/1999 "Revolution" member Chris Benoit defeated Rick Steiner in Chapel Hill, NC to win the WCW Television Championship for the third time. Earlier during the greatest Monday in Monday Nitro History, Benoit defeated fellow Revolution member Dean Malenko to win a WCW World Heavyweight Title shot. Somehow, the title shot with Sting never happened, and he ended up facing Rick Steiner for the Television Championship. The Evil Russian Rick Steiner pushed referee Micky Jay, however, Chris Benoit rolled up the Russian for the title. Also Steiner kicked out before 3, and started beating on Benoit after the match.

09/14/1997 In a hot pay per view opener, Eddie Guerrero defeated Chris Jericho 16:44 with a frog splash in Winston-Salem, NC to win the WCW Cruiserweight Title. Also during the Fall Brawl Pay Per View, the Steiner Brothers defeated Harlem Heat (with WCW Television Champion and Disco Killa, Jacquelyn) in a number one contenders match. WCW Television Champion Alex Wright pinned the Ultimo Dragon after a "German suplex." Jeff Jarrett defeated Dean Malenko with a figure four leg lock in a "Horseman In Waiting" match. Wrath (Kronik member Bryan Clark) & Mortis (Chris "Champagne" Kanyon) defeated The Faces Of Fear (Barbarian & Meng) after Mortis hit the mighty Meng with the "Death Penalty." In a highspot filled contest, The Giant defeated Scott Norton with the chokeslam. Diamond Dallas Page & Lex Luger defeated Scott Hall & Randy Savage when Luger rolled up Hall as Larry Zbyszko counted the pinfall. Zbyszko was feuding with Hall at the time over a set of Golf Clubs stolen by Hall's "personal attendant" the late Louie Spicoli. In a two ring "War Games" match due to the nWo's "Arn Anderson" parody skit, Kevin Nash (as "Arn Anderson"), Syxx (as "Ric Flair"), Buff Bagwell (as "Curt Henning"), Konnan (as "Steve McMicheal" notice Benoit wasn't important enough to get a parody character) defeated The Horsemen of Chris Benoit (as himself), Ric Flair (as himself), Steve McMichael (as "Mongo"), and Curt Henning (as "the traitor") when an "injured" Curt Henning turned on the Horsemen and threatened to slam Ric Flair's head into the cage door. A handcuffed Mongo submitted for the Horsemen, but Henning slammed the door on Flair's head anyway. Prick!

09/14/1998 On "the greatest Nitro in Monday Night History (trademark Tony Schiavone)", featuring the glorious return of Ric Flair to WCW. Billy Kidman defeated Juvenund Guerrera in Greenville, SC to win the WCW Cruiserweight Title. Juvenund, the Rock's favorite WCW javroni, went for a 450 but was caught midair by Kidman who hit Juvi with the split legged spinebuster. Kidman then ascended to the top rope and hit the shooting star press for the win. Kidman was greeted with applause from former flock member Perry Saturn, who not only had freed Kidman from Raven's control the night before, but also gave Kidman some ointment to clear his itchy and flaky skin.

09/14/1999 During the season premiere of Smackdown, WWE Chairman and Billionaire Extraordinaire Vince McMahon defeated Triple H to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in Las Vegas, NV. Stone Cold Steve Austin ran in from the crowd to stun both Chyna and Triple H, and rolled Vince on top of Triple H for the win and a new star was born.

09/15/1986 Shiro Koshinaka defeated Nobuhiko Takada in Fukuoka, Japan to regain the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title and bring peace to Fukuoka. Now you know, and that's half the battle kids!

09/15/1996 During the 1996 edition of "Fall Brawl" Pay Per View: WCW Battle Bowl Champion Diamond Dallas Page defeated Chavo Guerrero, Jr. with the Diamond Cutter. In a very special (WARNING: sarcasm level nearing all time highs) "Fire and Ice" submission match, the mighty Ice Train beat Scott Norton with a devastating full nelson (with the fingers locked), please note this would be the last time Scott Norton would ever submit in a match. Dungeon of Doom-Mexico member Konnan (with the original "Latino Heat" Jimmy Hart in his corner) defeated Juventud Guerrera with a 187, splash mountain and super baggy pants. Konnan debuted his "Arriba la raza!" catchphrase on this show. Which translated into English means "I'm no Tito!" In his most excellent WCW debut, Chris Jericho tasted defeat to Chris Benoit and his top rope superplex. Rey Mysterio Jr. defended his Cruiserweight title and defeated number one contender Super Calo with the "West Coast Pump" in a match that could not be contained in only one ring (as there were two rings next to each other for the main event). WCW World Tag Team Champions Harlem Heat defeated Pity City homeboys The Nasty Boys thanks to Col. Parker's cane mysteriously hitting the head of Brian Knobbs. The Giant pinned Randy Savage in a nWo vs. WCW challenge match, due to the actions of Hulk Hogan and New World Order referee Nick Patrick. In a two ring "War Games" match Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall & "Sting" defeated Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Lex Luger & Sting when "Sting" put Luger in the Scorpion deathlock for the submission win. The match would be the final appearance of non-crow like Sting, until Jeff Jarrett's masquerade of him in late 2000 WCW. By then it was just too late.

09/15/1997 On another edition of "the greatest Nitro in World Championship Wrestling history." Horseman trader and nWo member Curt Henning defeated "The Last Horseman" Steve "Mongo" McMichael with a former "perfect plex" now "Henning plex" in Ric Flair's hometown of Charlotte, NC to win the WCW United States Heavyweight Title. The title change was revolutionary for the time as there was no outside interference or a screwjob ending.

09/15/1998 The former "Miss. Texas", the lovely Jacquelyn defeated "Pacific Blue" star Sable in Sacramento, CA in a match to fill the vacant WWE Women's Title. Jacquelyn would later feel Sable's wrath during an "Evening Gown Match" on Raw where Jacquelyn's top was "Sable Bombed" out of her evening gown. Yes, 1998 era WWF Attitude at it's finest!

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Keith Lipinski, is a regular contributor to PWTorch.com. Keith still hasn't received his invitation to the upcoming nuptials for Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, however he has sent them several wedding gifts, including the following "adult" toy and 311 knockoff t-shirt. He also has paid Derek Burgan $1,000 American Dollars to erotically sketch the wedding. If you have any questions, corrections, feedback, comments and ideas, he can be reached at: klipinski@pwtorch.com

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