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GUEST EDITORIAL
By Sam Benedict of Otego, N,Y,
PWTorch.com Reader

After Raw this past Monday, an interviewer was granted an exclusive in-ring chat with Stand-Up Sensation, and Thugenomics Professor, John Cena. The following is a transcript: 
 
Interviewer: Thanks so much, John, for agreeing to this post-Raw interview.

Cena: Yo, Raw, that's how Randy Orton likes it.

Interviewer: What? Oh, yes, right, of course. (Forces a smile.] That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Cena: Oh, snap. You want to get all raw with Randy? Damn. That's all on you. You got to talk to Randy about that.

John Cena [artist Joseph Borzotta (c) PWTorch]

Interviewer: No, no, Mr. Cena. I wanted to talk to you about your comedic influences.

Cena: All right, all right. Of course, you've got your Lenny Bruce, your George Carlin, Richard Pryor. (Leans in confidentially, whispers]. But on the real? (Yells] All props to my man Triple H! King of Kings, and never of Queens, knamean?

Interviewer: Okay.

Cena: He's a stand-up comedy legend, straight up. You heard his routine about how Vince likes cocks?

Interviewer: Yes, I think we've all heard it.

Cena: You know, not like just roosters?

Interviewer: Right. I get it.

Cena: (starts smirking, then guffaws for two full minutes]. Word life, yo. That's some seminal $%#@ right there.

Interviewer: I'm not going to touch that one.

Cena: Oh, snap, playa, what you be touching? (starts smirking].

Interviewer: (smiles and shakes his head, as Cena has checkmated him again]. Nothing, John, nothing. Genius.

Cena: Ha ha! The Genius. Yo, he was gay as hell, man! I wish I'd been around then, I would have called him on it. He kept it on the downlow, though, real subtle, not like Randy Orton. Me and the Genius, now that right there, that would have been a rap battle for the ages, son. But seriously, mad props to the gay-ass Genius. Rest in Peace, yo.

Interviewer: He's not...

Cena: Gay? Man, you know he is. (Points to his hat.] Gay-dar in full effect. (Eyes interviewer with suspicion] 'Less you be a fruit booty...

Interviewer: Let's move on.

Cena: Props to my man JBL! (throws his hands up].

Interviewer: I wanted to talk about the relentless homophobia in your comedy.

Cena: What? I wanted to talk about how Randy Orton likes sperm whales and stuff. (Laughs) I read Moby Dick as research for that one. That book is hilarious. Melville was gay as hell.

Interviewer: Okay, the literary jury's still out on that.

Cena: You know, WWE might make a movie, and I'm gonna play Ishmael. Vince is gonna be Ahab. Ask me who the whale's gonna be.

Interviewer: Who's the whale going to...

Cena: Snitsky! The undefeated Snitsky's gonna be Moby. Moby Dick. 

Interviewer: Sounds great. 

Cena: You thought I was gonna say Randy Orton, right? 'Cause...

Interviewer: But, regarding your promos. When you start exploring the infinite comedic possibilities of the word "beat," I mean...Even die-hard homophobes have got to be rolling their eyes by now.

Cena: (eyes light up] What you mean, hard?

Interviewer: I'm sorry?

Cena: You ain't got to be sorry. Just answer the question. You getting all hard over Randy Orton?

Interviewer: No, I...What I'm saying is, isn't this humor sort of lazy? The material's getting pretty monotonous.

Cena: Monotonous? You mean like you and Randy Orton?

Interviewer: I think you mean monogamous.

Cena: Oh, y'all are like that, too? Yo, that's deep. That's between y'all. I don't want no part of it.

Interviewer: Part of what?

Cena: You got to wait ‘til the 'E gets to Vermont for that. Right, Albany, NY? (high-pitched cheers, low-voiced boos]. Shout out to the Emperor, Eliot Spitzer. The Godfather tells me he was a good customer. Emperor's Club 4 Life. Rest in Peace, Eliot Spitzer.

Interviewer: Fine. Whatever.

Cena: Anyway, congratulations to you and Randy. Don't Ask, Don't Tell, right? (smirks, then gives earnest Marine salute]. Y'all are some free-thinking freaks, though. Not like J.R.. (Jim Ross avoids eye contact from the announcer's table].

Interviewer: (sighs, forges ahead one last time) But, all kayfabe aside, you're a "babyface," as the terminology goes, right? As an "underdog," it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for you to be - (considers using the term "piling on," then thinks better of it) - making the easy joke, at the expense of a minority demographic, does it? I mean, it's not really becoming...

Cena: (Pounces] Oh, no you didn't! Becoming? You mean like how you and Randy Orton be--

Interviewer: Damn you, Thugenomics! (Storms off)

Cena: Buy Backlash, y'all! The fatal fourway's not what it sounds like! Get your minds out of the gutter!

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