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(I have a bunch of schoolwork to do, so I'll make this quick and share with you a story I totally saw in some completely real, incredibly not-fictional newspaper.)
CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- It's not allergies: Retired professional wrestler Ric Flair still had the waterworks going while trimming the lawn yesterday, observers say.
Flair, who had "a tear in [his] eye" at the then-WWF's Royal Rumble 1992 and has frequently shown emotion on national television since, looked to be beside himself while doing yardwork, confusingly claiming it was "the greatest moment in [his] entire professional wrestling career."
"I saw him crying during his retirement speech on TV, and he hasn't stopped," said neighbor Cephus Wainwright. "I asked him if he needed a tissue, and he just kissed his hands, said 'I love you,' and then cut his forehead with a razor blade."
Neighbors claim they saw the aging "Nature Boy" steering his self-propelled Lawn Boy across the grass, bawling the whole time and naming wrestlers who "paved the way" for wrestlers in the current day.
"I don't know who Dusty Rhodes, Harley Race, Ricky Steamboat, the Funks or the Briscoes are, but if they don't stop making Ric cry, he's liable to lop off a foot while mowing," opined Julie Devereaux, who lives two doors down from "the biggest house on the biggest side of town."
Industrious Charlottonians are stocking up on Bond Green Giant Spiked Aerator Shoes, hoping they can convince "The Man" to follow them onto The Lawn and moisten their nicely irrigated soil.
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