4/1 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT (Ep. 1): Brie and Bryan talk about wanting a boy, greieving over their dog, Nikki shops for lingerie

TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 1)
APRIL 1, 2020
AIRED ON E!

The show opens with a montage of what I assume is every plot of the entire season. Artem will propose to Nikki. “He’s an introvert, I’m an outrovert,” says Nikki. Yup, she said that. Get better role models, kids. Brie – the one who couldn’t not mention how much she wanted to be a mom doesn’t want another kid. Daniel Bryan is annoyed about his status in the relationship. They will somehow argue with their divorced mother or interacting with their father. Oh, and they both end up being pregnant, thus nullifying a number of previous plot points.

Okay, roll the theme music or whatever. Yeah, there isn’t an opening theme. Supposedly the “media” cares deeply that Nikki and Artem are a couple. I dunno, I haven’t seen a People magazine in like three years and can’t say anyone in my social circle gives a sh–, but okay, sure. “I have never in my life had such a passionate connection with anyone,” says Nikki in a voice-over. It would have rotted my brain, but I’m sure she said something just as ridiculous when she was madly in love with John Cena. Oh, now they play the theme song. Yeah, that was 20 seconds.

Somewhere in Phoenix, Brie is doing a pregnancy test in a bathroom with an open door as her toddler watches. Yes, that’s weird. No, my mom wouldn’t have done that. Meanwhile, somewhere else (hey, I’m eating candy right now, I can’t just STARE at the screen) Artem is making “Russian food,” which Nikki has never eaten. Brie is not pregnant. She wipes the stick on Bryan. Yup, that happened. Uh, I guess Bryan wants a boy. “Suck it,” is the nicest thing my inner feminist has to say. Yes, I’m a girl and I have a sister and I was the last child before Mom had her tubes tied. Sometimes its the luck the draw, and the correct answer is: whatever the sex of the child I will love it with all my heart. Moving along, Artem is apparently divorced. Yes, we learn this because Nikki asks if he wants to be married in Russia. To be fair, sketchy hand tattoos aside, so far Artem seems like a good guy… we’ll see if he has weird rules about shoes and closing doors later. Anyhoo, Artem got cut from “Dancing With The Stars.”

Oh, right, the Bellas have a podcast. I have no idea who listens to that, because I don’t. Artem is a guest on the podcast – they ask him how it felt to be fired, because, you know, sensitivity or whatever, right? Does Nikki want Artem to move into the house she’s building in Phoenix? Yes. The notion of Artem moving in with Nikki apparently doesn’t spark joy for Brie. Brie discusses her misgivings with Nikki as they and Artem tour Nikki’s new house.

Oh, goodie, the twins are in New York – to launch a cosmetics line… you know, because they went to college for that and studied hard and applied themselves. Ha ha! They’re quasi famous people and they’re slapping their names on stuff totally made and designed by other people! Anyway, Brie blathers on about being a career woman being behind her reasoning for not wanting another kid. Okay then.

Yup, the Bellas are slapping their name on makeup made by other people. Yeah, shameless promotion of a makeup launch. Then the twins and friends sit around a table at a cafe and discuss Russia, they’re drinking and they toast Russia. Yup, that just happened. Evidently the point of this restaurant scene is to pretend like Artem is moving in for the wrong reasons. Evidently Artem moving in with Nikki finally has to be discussed with the Mom. She’s not openly delighted. Brie and the Mom are at the doctor discussing why Brie isn’t pregnant. Brie apparently thinks there’s a way to have sex and try to have a boy. There’s not, not without medical intervention and a petri dish.

And then they’re going to kill off the family dog in this episode. Yes, that was abrupt. It’s also the reason for a crying scene. Josie the dog has died. Bryan says the dog was their “first baby.” Okay. Brie, Bryan, Nikki, and Artem are literally sitting together on a couch discussing the death of this dog. And I guess a dead dog is a reason to have a baby you’re not sure you want. Okay. There’s an entire scene where Bryan is irrationally sad about the death of this dog… as if there are no people or other pets in this household. Yes, I come from a family that has never deeply mourned a pet… anyway, Brie admits that she doesn’t want another child. Commercial.

The scene with Brie and Bryan in the bedroom crying about the dog continues. Bryan thinks it’s unfair that she said that before he’s about to get on a plane. Yeah, these two aren’t great at communicating. Bryan asks why they have a large house if they’re only having one kid. Yeah, the conversation ends awkwardly, and, really, no one gets what they want. Moving on Nikki and Artem look at women’s lingerie. Nikki is trying on the lingerie – with nothing on underneath, which seems kinda skeevy, unless she’s buying them. Nikki wants to know if they’re moving too fast as a couple. “Did you just bring me to a lingerie store to ask me if we’re moving too fast.” Yes, Artem just asked that. Artem is diplomatic.  Moving on, Daniel Bryan fights Erick Rowan on Smackdown. Bryan talks about their relationship and their desires diverging as match footage plays.

Bryan gets home from his loop. They sit in a guest bedroom and discuss whether or not there should be more kids and, of course, they talk about the dead dog more. Anyway, the show ends with cutaway shots of both Brie and Bryan talking about their goals. Brie doesn’t want another kid. Bryan very much wants this kid.

Next week they break the news to their mom that they’re seeing their dad, and Nikki makes innuendos about tools with Artem.