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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JULY 27, 2024
ARLINGTON, TEXAS
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column — the best place to find the worst takes!
Before I start this column, I want to clarify that I am not an AEW hater. I am rooting for AEW, and I have been since the very beginning of the company. The people who felt last week’s column was too harsh are justified in their opinions, but I want to assure them that I am not being “hard” on AEW because I am an E-drone or in a “cult.”
In fact, to be honest, I haven’t watched WWE in almost a month. (That isn’t because I dislike WWE; they put on incredible shows. I have just been undertaking a fairly significant new project, as well as preparing to spend 90 days on the road, traveling through both the United States and Canada.) Anyway, because of the things mentioned in the parenthetical portion of this paragraph, I have had to triage my TV viewing time, and I have actively chosen to make time to watch AEW’s programming. So, believe me when I tell you I am not a hater; I am merely honest.
Anyway… Dynamite has been on a roll lately, and Collision has been on life support. So, here’s hoping this week’s show pulls through and leaves me as gleeful as when I first saw Jack Perry handcuffed to a cage and not as disheartened as when I realized the match was going to end because Darby Allin doesn’t respect safe words.
ORANGE CASSIDY VS. JOHNNY TV — MINOR-HIT
Orange Cassidy came out first, accompanied by a volley of cheers, and Johnny TV came out second, accompanied by an Andy Warhol painting.
The match itself was a well-paced, entertaining, and appropriately humorous spectacle. However, most of its build took place at Comic-Con, which is not an AEW television program, PPV, quarterly special, or nationally broadcast live entertainment event of any sort. I am open to being wrong here, but I do not see how that lends itself to expanding Collision’s audience in any way, shape, or form.
Side Note: At one point during this match, Cassidy tossed Mr. TV’s sunglasses into the audience, and Nigel McGuiness exclaimed, “Did you see what he just did! Those must have cost him $3,000.” I assume McGuiness was talking about Ray-Ban’s limited edition “Aviator Solid Gold” sunglasses, and I also assume he has never seen a pair in person.
TAYA VALKYRIE’S RINGSIDE ANTICS — HIT
From fanning her over-heated husband to attacking Cassidy at ringside, Taya Valkyrie was comedy gold throughout this entire match. (But that doesn’t mean she should beat Toni Storm at Battle of the Belts! Storm is comedy diamonds.)
POST-MATCH SHENANIGANS — HIT
Looking like a clown that has been half-melted by the digestive fluids of a kaleidoscope, Taya Valkyrie kicked Orange Cassidy with her bare feet (Why would she take off her shoes to do that?) before Willow Nightingale came to Cassidy’s rescue.
THE JUICY GUNNS CUT A PROMO — MINOR-HIT
During this promo, Austin Gunn mentioned the Olympics (and I just remembered I was missing them and set my DVR); Colton Gunn claimed responsibility for the current state of the E-Sports Arena, and Juice Robinson threatened to screw Mother Wayne — I think? Honestly, I was distracted by my DVR menu, but he definitely said the word “screw” a lot.
BLACKPOOL COMBAT CLUB VS. BRIAN CAGE & LEE MORIARTY VS. TOP FLIGHT — HIT
This match was not bad, and in fact, it exceeded my expectations. Bravo to all of the men involved in creating it.
That said, I have no idea why this match was taking place. I mean, I do to an extent, but not to enough of an extent to care. While I’m sure AEW firmly established all of the many reasons this match had to happen, I’m also sure they did so during a press conference on TikTok Live in front of Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Given that I was not on TikTok that day and I did not need landscaping, I missed it.
Side Note: All jokes aside, please try to make the rest of the matches on this show feel meaningful and well-built.
NEW JOKER TRAILER — MEGA-HIT
During the commercial break, a trailer for the new Joker movie aired, and other than the Joker looking like he recently inhaled a donut shop, I could not be more hyped for this sequel. In fact, I would not be surprised if its trailer ends up being the highlight of tonight’s broadcast.
WILLOW NIGHTINGALE CUTS AN INTERRUPTION — HIT
I remember the days when Willow Nightingale’s promos looked like they were being cut by someone who was trapped in a haunted house. Those days are not these days. It is frankly amazing how far Nightingale has come on the mic, and she should be an inspiration to everyone who thinks they can’t train themselves into cutting serviceable promos.
MARK BRISCOE CUTS A PROMO — MINOR-HIT
Mark Briscoe cut a promo while holding a baby, and that adorable baby’s facial expressions looked exactly how you’d expect them to.
HOLOGRAM VS. THE BEAST MORTOS — HIT
Up first, Naomi came out dressed like a character from Tron, and — no, wait; that’s Hologram. Up first, Hologram came out dressed like a rave held in the basement of a Halloween Spirit store, and up second, The Beast Mortos came out dressed like both Bebop and Rocksteady at the exact same time.
Despite looking like a B-movie crossover, this match was pretty darn good. After seeing this, I take back some of the things I said about Hologram in private. (Not the things I said about his costume, though. That outfit is stupid.) Still, his wrestling skills are as good as his gimmick is bad.
Side Note: This whole thing feels like Tony Kahn watched Suicide’s debut in TNA and thought, “This is a good idea. We need more of this in the world.”
THUNDER ROSA VS. ALREADY IN THE RING — HIT
Already-In-The-Ring, who is being portrayed by Maya World tonight, lost this match in 3 minutes.
VIDEO RECAP OF WILL OSPREAY VS. LANCE ARCHER AT NJPW’S DOMINION 2023 EVENT — HIT
Given that Lance Archer hasn’t had a lot of television time in recent months, this video was a quick and easy way to give him some high-quality street cred with AEW’s newer fans who may not be familiar with Archer’s larger body of work.
LANCE ARCHER COMMITS MULTIPLE FELONIES IN A ROW — MINOR-HIT
Lance Archer is a pretty good promo, and I certainly miss his work with Jake “The Snake” Roberts, but unlike the aforementioned recap video, watching Lance Archer go on a totally random and very felonious assault and battery spree makes me more curious about how he found so many H&M models gathered in one place and less curious about what his character will do next.
THE PREMIER ATHLETES VS. THE CONGLOMERATION — HIT
This match was definitely a “hit,” and it was very entertaining. However, there was also no suspense, and it had the build of a twink. This entire broadcast feels less like a wrestling show and more like a white flag.
CHRIS “THE LEARNING TREE” JERICHO CUTS A PROMO – MEGA-HIT
Hi Guys!
Scratch what I said about the Joker trailer; this promo was the highlight of tonight’s show. Watching Chris Jericho repeatedly try to wave at his many branches (and by “many,” I mean me.) with a broken pinky was laugh-out-loud funny. One of the best things about “heel Jericho” is that he is never afraid to make a total fool of himself if it means his fans leave the building feeling entertained. Few people do that as well as him (and by “few,” I mean MJF.)
LANCE ARCHER VS. ALREADY IN THE RING — HIT
I can’t remember the name of the man Lance Archer wrestled in this match, but I’m pretty sure he can’t remember his name either.
FTR vs. MXM COLLECTION — MEGA-HIT
Somehow, despite being only vaguely aware that MXM Collection had even signed with AEW, FTR managed to get me to buy into this match completely, and I am glad they did. This match had comedy, brawling, mat-wrestling, and Dax Harwood “modeling.” For a split second, I managed to forget that the outcome of this bout was a foregone conclusion, and I am still stunned to be typing those words.
ANTHONY BOWENS & MAX CASTER CUT A PROMO — MEGA-HIT
Live from Mankind’s 1996 boiler room, Max Caster and Anthony Bowens cut one of the best promos I have ever heard them cut. Hell, I didn’t even think these guys were capable of producing something this good. I’m not sure if I should applaud them or run away in terror because this promo made me more afraid of The Acclaimed than I am of Lance Archer.
PAC VS. LIO RUSH — HIT
This was great! It was devoid of meaning, but it was great! This match was like most of AEW Collision tonight; it felt like I was drinking a freshly cracked-open bottle of ice-cold Coca-Cola with its half-shaken suds tracing their way down the length of the glass. Its carbonation sparked against my tongue, its soda tasted like a glacier made out of sugar, and its calories left me every bit as empty as I was before.
There was no build to hardly any of this show. This show felt meaningless, and Pac and Lio Rush are two very talented men who produce art that is worthy of having meaning bestowed upon it.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Not to belabor the metaphors, but watching tonight’s episode of AEW Collision was like unwrapping an ornate book for Christmas and realizing its pages are blank because it’s a journal. It felt like an unkept promise made out of thrown-in towels, and while I know Tony Khan is stretched thin and is only human, this shows current state cannot be the answer to its ratings predicament.
When watching television, most viewers want to feel like they are experiencing a store rather than an exhibition, and if AEW Collision continues to feel like an empty journal with blank pages, people will eventually stop trying to read it. I’m not saying this to be a “hater,” I’m saying this because it is true and because if something doesn’t change, then pulling in ratings that are mired in the “300,000 range” will become the norm for AEW Collision rather than the exception.
It doesn’t have to be this way. “Delegation” is not a dirty word, and it often leads to fantastic storytelling. Just look at every Writer’s Room in the country. Writer’s Rooms gave us “Succession,” “Game of Thrones,” “Stranger Things,” and nearly every major television series produced in the modern era, and they were better for it.
Just like those shows felt meaningful, episodic wrestling should feel meaningful, too. I know that wrestling inhabits a different world that is meant to mirror the tribulations of real life more than the twists and turns of “The Haunting of Hill House,” but real life needs meaning, too! That is why people have mid-life crises and why ambition is an emotion felt by nearly every person who has ever lived. I’m not one for quoting Shakespeare because doing so often comes off as trite, but let’s just say that Act V, Scene 5 of “Macbeth” has a lot to say about tonight’s episode of AEW Collision.
SHOW GRADE: D
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: FTR vs. MXM Collection
- Second Best Match: Pac vs. Lio Rush
- Third Best Match: Hologram vs. The Beast Mortos
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, as impressive as an automobile is, it is not one big machine. It is a thousand smaller weak machines that hold hands to make it move.
(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first sulfur-scented deodorant for aspiring hermits. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
NOW CHECK OUT THE LATEST EPISODE OF “THE AEW CONVERSATION CLUB,” PART OF THE PWTORCH DAILYCAST LINE-UP: CLICK HERE TO STREAM (or search “pwtorch” in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or any other iOS or Android app to subscribe for free)
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: AEW Collision results (7/27): Powell’s live review of Pac vs. Lio Rush, Orange Cassidy vs. Johnny TV, FTR vs. MxM Collection, Hologram vs. The Beast Mortos, Thunder Rosa vs. Maya World
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