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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
MAY 18, 2024
PORTLAND, ORE.
AIRED LIVE ON TNTBY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
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– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column. I just got back from an awesome out-of-state wedding, so I’m a little behind on wrestling-related storylines, but since it’s AEW, I’m not.
NEW OPENING MONTAGE — HIT & MISS
WHY IT WAS A MISS: I have no idea if I’m in the majority or not, but I’ve been enjoying the “Elite” takeover of AEW. Sadly, it looks like they have decided to forgo Elite-themed opening montages going forward.
WHY IT WAS A HIT: It featured more footage of Hook than I had expected it to, and my opinions are cheaply bought.
WILL OSPREAY vs. SHANE TAYLOR — HIT
Last week, I brought up how counterproductive it was to have Lee Moriarty look so strong against Will Ospreay just two weeks before Ospreay’s match at Double or Nothing 2024. While I stand by that opinion, I also hoped this match would be of a decent length because I am a fan of Shane Taylor’s in-ring work. Because of this, I am happy to see that AEW found a creative way (via interference by Roderick Strong, Mike Bennett, and Matt Taven) to give this match a longer runtime without making Ospreay look weaker. On top of that, seeing Ospreay hit his Stormbreaker finisher on a man the size of Taylor was an impressive visual that more than makes up for the runtime!
FTR & BRYAN DANIELSON CUT A POST-DYNAMITE PROMO — HIT
In this segment, three of AEW’s most outstanding wrestlers cut an outstanding promo. I just hope that their upcoming match at Double or Nothing is more cohesively presented and better filmed than last year’s “Anarchy in the Arena” match. (A match with so many wrestlers and potential locations should be storyboarded in advance.) I also hope that Darby Allin doesn’t do anything risky, unsafe, or typical of everything he’s ever done in public and probably private.
CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI & JON MOXLEY CUT A PROMO — HIT
During this stellar promo, Jon Moxley said, “We don’t hunt because we’re hungry; we hunt because we’re lions.” While lions do engage in surplus killing, it is almost always due to hunger-related survival instincts, drought, as a side effect of the lower brain activity often associated with feline domestication, or because they are killing the cubs of a lion they are replacing
On a less relevant note, this promo was well executed. Moxley is both terrifying and insane, and I’m not entirely sure it’s an act. Claudio Castagnoli is also terrifying, cerebral, deliberate, and probably likes to watch whenever Moxley kills the cubs of lions he’s replacing.
CHRIS JERICHO CUTS A POST-DYNAMITE PROMO — MEGA-HIT
Still bleeding from Hook’s mic-shot-to-the-head, Chris Jericho was on the cusp of tears of joy for Hook and how well he is “learning.” Jericho said he was so very, very glad Hook hit him in the head and made him bleed. He then smiled through clenched teeth and, after the promo, mumbled something about how much pain he loved being in.
Side Note: How is anyone crapping on this new Chris Jericho gimmick? This whole “learning tree” thing is so hilariously hateable that I can’t imagine anyone NOT wanting to see Hook beat the ever-loving crap out of Jericho! Personally, I’d watch a 15-minute loop of Hook doing nothing but beat Jericho over the head with a microphone, the FTW Title belt, a kitchen sink, a bigger kitchen sink, and a copy of “The Giving Tree.”
SPEAKING OF HOOK BEATING PEOPLE UP — HIT
Hook beat the ever-loving crap out of Johnny TV, who, for some reason, made his entrance while wearing a coat made out of his wife’s hair.
SHIBATA vs. ROCKY ROMERO — HIT
In a fairly straightforward (not a bad thing) match, Shibata defeated Romero to earn a shot at a shot at the FTW Title.
THE IRON SAVAGES SCREAM A PROMO — MINOR-MISS
I had trouble understanding most of this promo due to its volume breaking my hearing aid, but I did catch the words “titty city,” and, while I’ve never cut a professional wrestling promo before, I know that can’t be right.
BRYAN KEITH vs. BEAR BOULDER — HIT
In a fairly straightforward (not a bad thing) match, Bryan Keith defeated Bear Boulder to earn a shot at a shot at the FTW Title.
Side Note: Boy, it sure is nice to see how seriously AEW is taking its top title that is in no way affiliated with their company. I mean, after all, given how much Christian Cage went through to get his World Championship match against Swerve Strickland, it is only fair.
PAC CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — HIT
This intense promo took place in front of the door to a sex dungeon in Pentagram City — a location I am frankly surprised Lexi Nair neither asked about nor tried to find the portal from which they came.
Also in this promo, we learned that Pac has feathers.
A RECAP OF THE WILLOW/MERCEDES CONTRACT SIGNING AIRED — HIT
It’s nice to see AEW treating their women’s division with the pomp and circumstance it deserves. It is also nice to see a recap of what looked like the most murderous-looking table-involved powerbomb in AEW history. (Seriously, the way Mercedes fell limp upon impact had me wondering if something went horribly wrong for a second.) Bravo to both women for their execution of that particular segment (unless Mercedes Mone was supposed to be a face, in which case, something really did go horribly wrong.)
THE ATTENTION SPAN OF BOTH AEW’S CAMERAMAN AND THEIR COMMENTATORS — MISS
Bullet Club Gold made their entrance, complete with the cameraman fully encircling them, and yet, somehow, someway, with the obliviousness of a political tribalist, nobody noticed they were accompanied on stage by Pac’s corpse until the camera zoomed out – and that is not how vision works.
BULLET CLUB GOLD CUTS A PROMO — HIT
Jay White is fantastic on the mic, and it is not his fault that AEW hires people with only a transient grasp of sensory perception.
CHRISTIAN CAGE AND NICK WAYNE CUT A PROMO — HIT
It’s not surprising that Christian Cage was good here. Cage has been one of the best promos in AEW for quite a while. However, I was very surprised by how good Nick Wayne was. It is not easy to cut a promo about “becoming a man” and achieving major goals on your own while still coming off like the contents of a colostomy bag if fecal matter could reach adolescence. However, Nick Wayne pulled that feat off perfectly, and from an acting standpoint, I am impressed.
NICK WAYNE’S FACE PUBES — MINOR-MISS
If Nick Wayne is going to play the “son” to Christian’s “daddy,” he needs to keep his face shaven so as to look the part. While I know that it is conventional wisdom for male wrestlers to try to look as masculine as possible, Wayne has managed to stumble into the one gimmick where that wisdom does not apply.
That said, I’m reticent to even mention this minor quibble because everything else about Wayne’s appearance right now screams Saltburn-but-funnier, and he couldn’t be doing this gimmick more right if it were his actual personality (and from having seen some of his work in GCW, I don’t gather that it is).
ORANGE CASSIDY vs. ISIAH KASSIDY — HIT
In a battle of the C/Kassidy’s, Cassidy won.
Side Note: I love how much sense it made to have Orange Cassidy fight so hard and get so easily distracted by Trent Beretta doing nothing but stand in the audience.
LEXI NAIR INTERVIEWS TRENT BERETTA AT RINGSIDE — HIT
The heat Trent Beretta got during this promo was so overwhelming it was hard to hear what he was saying over the boos, but given how loud those boos were, he must have been saying something right.
SERENA DEEB vs. ANNA JAY — MISS
This was a pretty decent match, and I applaud Anna Jay’s incessant refusal to remain bad at everything. In fact, if Jay keeps improving at this rate, she’ll be on Deeb’s level in a matter of only many years.
Side Note: All jokes aside, it is good to see Jay improving, and her improvements are notable and should be lauded. I hope she does not give up or become complacent because if she can master her craft in the ring, she could be unstoppable, given that she already has the look of a star.
LUTHER STEALS DEEB’S FLAG — MINOR-HIT
Dr. Luther stole Serena Deeb’s flag, and as one of only more than a dozen AEW stars with a flag for sale on AEW’s website, Deeb was devastated at the possibility of having to spend five hours trying to remove canyon-deep creases from its poorly packaged replacement. (Why are AEW’s flags shipped folded? Flags should be furled, right?)
Toni Storm then used the flag as a privacy screen to undress behind, and once she was fully nude, she proceeded to wear it like a makeshift dress. When Serena Deeb chased after Storm, it apparently had never occurred to her all of the many, many ways this could go wrong.
VIDEO RECAP OF THE CHRISTIAN/SWERVE ANGLE ON DYNAMITE — HIT
Holy crap.
That wasn’t a blade job; that was a blade career.
NICK WAYNE vs. JACK CARTWHEEL — HIT
This quick squash match is exactly what should have happened going into Nick Wayne’s upcoming match against Swerve Strickland on Dynamite, and I’m glad to see AEW make an effort to build Wayne as a worthy opponent so there is at least some level of suspense regarding whether or not he can weaken Strickland to the point of Christian Cage having the illusion of a smidgen of a chance of possibly beating him at Double or Nothing.
Side Note: Given Wayne’s previous wrestling style, it is impressive how seamlessly Wayne has transitioned into wrestling like a heel.
Second Side Note: I hope Jack Cartwheel’s arms, knees, and ribs are okay. That mid-match crash to the floor looked brutal.
FTR & BRIAN DANIELSON vs. THE RIGHTEOUS & LANCE ARCHER — HIT
FTR and Bryan Danielson strive to never disappoint their fans, and this match was no different. However, even their best efforts (and they were very good efforts) were unable to overcome the unbearable suspense of whether or not three of AEW’s biggest stars could overcome three of AEW’s central casting.
POST-MATCH ANGLE — IN THE MIDDLE
Sure. Why not? That makes sense for AEW.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This show was better than last week, but it was great. Tonight’s episode of AEW Collision felt very “mid.” Hopefully AEW will up the quality of next week’s episode of Collision since it is technically their go-home show for one of their biggest PPVs of the year.
SHOW GRADE: B-
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
Match of the Night: SHIBATA vs. ROCKY ROMERO
Second Best Match: FTR & DANIELSON vs. THE RIGHTEOUS & LANCE ARCHER
Third Best Match: WILL OSPREAY vs. SHANE TAYLOR
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, “blood is thicker than water,” unless someone hits you over the head with a picture frame, in which case, “blood is thinner than Ozempic-infused vapor.”
(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first silent alarm clock for those who prefer to wake up peacefully and in a panic. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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