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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
APRIL 13, 2024
HIGHLAND HEIGHTS, KY.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
– Hey! I’m back for another AEW Collision Hits & Misses column! I’ve been absent from wrestling for the last couple of weeks, but I am thrilled to return. Did I miss anything eventful?
AEW COLLISION’S INTRO VIDEO & MUSIC — HIT
– Given AEW’s recent propensities, I am very pleased to see this week’s opening video package did not contain a major announcement, security camera footage, puppy-bowl footage, promises of a Taylor Swift sighting, or a “desperately seeking attention” on a pole match.
MOXLEY WINS THE IWGP CHAMPIONSHIP IN A RECAP VIDEO — MEGA-HIT
In a shocking turn of events, Jon Moxley has now become the IWGP World Heavyweight Champion at a New Japan event in Chicago. This event was so successful it drew over 6,000 fans.
https://twitter.com/WrestleTix/status/1778913771815129510
That is not only a great number for New Japan in the U.S., but it is also approximately the same number of people who attended WrestleDream. I assume they were there to see Jack Perry.
Side Note: Jon Moxley is a human success magnet. He has now won 15 World Heavyweight Championships across multiple promotions (depending on how you define a “World Heavyweight Championship.”)
He has been a three-time AEW World Heavyweight Champion, a two-time CZW World Heavyweight Champion, a one-time FIP World Heavyweight Champion, a one-time GCW World Heavyweight Champion, a three-time HWA Heavyweight Champion, a one-time MPW Heavyweight Champion, a two-time IPW World Heavyweight Champion, a one-time WWE Champion, and now a one-time IWGP Champion.
DANIELSON AND CASTAGNOLI CUT A BACKSTAGE PROMO — HIT
Live from Hulk Hogan’s man-cave, Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli cut a joint promo in front of red and yellow lighting that was captured by microphones someone left in a sound truck that was currently in the process of drowning itself.
However, sound issues aside, both men did a good job of setting up their respective matches against Will Ospreay. One of the highlights of this promo included Danielson saying, “Don Callis, you told your guys to try to hurt us. To try to hurt me. To try to hurt Claudio. Well, guess what? Violence is our specialty.”
HOUSE OF BLACK VS. DANTE MARTIN & ACTION ANDRETTI & MATT SYDAL — HIT
During this match, Schiavone informed us that Darius Martin was not with us at the moment because he was getting his pilot’s license. I assume he is doing this in honor of Top Flight’s name and because he has run out of more conventional ways of injuring himself.
As for the match, this was a good one, and watching it drove home just how much genuine talent there is in AEW. I wish there was a way for all of these amazing talents to reach a wider audience while still allowing Tony Khan to achieve his lifelong dream of alienating everyone.
Side Note: I asked my fiancé if there was anything he thought I should add to tonight’s column, and he said it was absolutely essential to inform PWTorch’s readers that Buddy Matthews is the best member of House of Black and that I should consider myself lucky that I get to make public comments about his matches. Because I would like my fiancé to follow through on the fiancé part of being my fiancé, this paragraph now exists.
Second side note: This was one of two matches to receive a “This is awesome” chant tonight.
HOT LESBIAN ACTION JUMPS SHIP TO AEW — MISS
A recap video of Mina Shirakawa kissing Mariah May aired to the tune of everything that was wrong about the early-2000s.
TONI STORM CUTS A HILARIOUS BACKSTAGE PROMO — MEGA-HIT
In this segment, Toni Storm talked about kissing bottoms, fetish magazines, and other ideas for her OnlyFans. Also, she may or may not have mentioned having a match with AZM tonight, but I was too busy being blinded by the glare of her glowing awesomeness to notice.
CHRIS JERICHO HOLDS A PTA MEETING — MINOR-MISS
In this segment, Chris Jericho asked Taz to tell Hook that he is “trying to help him.”
Taz told Chris Jericho that doing so may “piss him (Hook) off,” which makes sense given that Hook is a 24-year-old man with a phone number.
TAZ’S ACTING — HIT
Taz killed this segment, while somehow refraining from also killing Chris Jericho.
KATSUYORI SHIBATA VS. LEE MORIARTY — HIT
My main takeaway from this match is that while Lee Moriarty is good, he is no Shane Taylor — not that many people are Shane Taylor. (Why isn’t Shane Taylor being used at a higher level? IMHO, this man screams “main event.”)
Either way, this match went on way too long and was way too competitive. If you’re not going to push Moriarty (and I’ve seen enough of AEW to know you’re not), then continuing to give us false hope by having him go more than ten minutes with Shibata makes as much sense as a paper thimble, except using a paper thimble hurts less.
Side Note: Anthony Ogogo was on commentary, and thanks to him having good chemistry with Matt “Daddy Magic” Menard, his contributions were far funnier than they had any right to be.
SHANE TAYLOR & HOOK’S POST-MATCH ANGLE — MINOR-HIT
The only thing wrong with this segment was how short it was. Shane Taylor beat down Shibata, and Hook came to the rescue. It was a classic stare-down to add fuel to the fire of their upcoming match on Battle of the Belts — a show where prestige goes to die. (Again, both of these men deserve better placements and more appreciation.)
ATHENA & BILLY STARKS CUT A BACKSTAGE PROMO — HIT
Athena cut the best backstage promo of the night and is literally the only reason I still have an HonorClub subscription.
THE KINGDOM CUT A BACKSTAGE PROMO — MINOR-HIT
This is a very promo-heavy episode of AEW Collision.
Anyway, during this promo, Tony Schiavone asked Rodrick Strong if Wardlow deserved any credit for their recent victories, given that he interfered in nearly all of them.
“How dare you give credit to anybody but me!” Rodrick Strong said, using the same voice any of us would use if we were talking to someone on a roller coaster.
DANIEL GARCIA VS. ANGELICO — HIT
This was a basic exhibition match with a clean finish. I could write more, but why?
PAC DELIVERS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — MEGA-HIT
Live from the backstage of a bordello, Pac cut a promo drenched in lights borrowed from Hazbin Hotel.
Despite this, Pac made the promo work to his advantage. Pac was intense, effective, and left me feeling hyped for his match with Okada, which he said would take place on AEW’s award-winning television series, Dynasty.
TONI STORM VS. AZM (A NAME GRAMMARLY THINKS IS SPELLED ATM FOR SOME REASON) — HIT
This match earned two mid-match ovations from the crowd and showcased the kind of wrestling AEW’s women’s division has been lacking. Both Toni Storm and AZM came off looking like primetime-ready stars, and it is a shame AZM isn’t under contract.
This was the best match of the night so far. In fact, it was so good, I don’t have any jokes to make about it.
AFTER THE MATCH, MORE WEIRD LESBIAN STUFF — MEGA-MISS
This is so out of place. I do not understand why AEW would choose to follow that match with this jackassery. I don’t want to see Mariah May kissing Toni Storm, Mina Shirakawa, or anyone else unless it is meant to advance a storyline or develop her character.
That said, if this is part of a plan to introduce a nuanced and thoughtful LGBTQ+ storyline, I am all for that. After all, I am a gay fan myself, and we rarely get to see ourselves depicted in a dignified fashion in professional wrestling. However, unless this whole “kissing thing” takes an unexpected turn, these segments feel less “dignified” and more “sleaze-ified.”
Side Note: Right now, Mariah May’s twitter banner is a picture of her kissing Toni Storm.
RED VELVET CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — HIT
Backstage, Red Velvet cut a very short promo on Athena. It was nice enough, but it couldn’t touch Athena’s earlier promo. The best line was, “A high-profile match? … I AM high profile.”
MARK BRISCOE CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — MINOR-MISS
This was a little too intense, and by “a little too intense,” I mean he tried to bite the cameraman.
THUNDER ROSA CUTS AN ON-STAGE PROMO — MEGA-HIT
While Athena had the best backstage promo of the night, Thunder Rosa not only had the best overall promo of the night, but she likely just gave us the best promo of her career. This on-stage promo felt personable and humanizing as Rosa talked about working hard for the things you want in life. She talked about working hard to earn her college degree, working hard to earn her American citizenship, and how hard she was willing to work to become the next AEW Women’s Champion.
Rosa ended her promo by saying that the AEW Women’s Championship was her passion but “my body couldn’t carry me as much as my passion could, and the day I lost the AEW Women’s Championship, something died inside of me. At Dynasty, I will carry the passion of my people, and if I have to break every bone in my body, I will bring home that title.”
Rosa then removed her face paint and finished her closing statement by saying, “This face paint is my mask, but you don’t want to see what is underneath. Just remember, you can’t kill what is already dead, and on Sunday, I am coming for that title, I am coming for you, and I am coming to drag your soul to hell.”
I liked this promo so much that I watched it twice.
DEONNA PURRAZZO — MINOR-MISS
Deonna Purrazzo used this promo to say (or at least imply) that she hoped to work her way back up to a championship shot. While I labeled this promo a “Minor-Miss,” it wasn’t awful. It just had the misfortune of following Thunder Rosa’s oratory masterpiece.
SCHIAVONE AND “DADDY MAGIC” DISCUSS THE THUNDER ROSA PROMO — HIT
Having the commentators take a beat to discuss Thunder Rosa’s promo was the right call. This helped to drive home just how sincere and impactful her words were. I can’t wait to see her wrestle Toni Storm. While I will always root for Toni Storm because I am a mark, I won’t be mad if Thunder Rosa pulls this one out — not after that promo.
THE YOUNG BUCKS VS. FTR IS NOW A LADDER MATCH — WE’LL SEE
Okay, but why?
Was a Jack Perry on a pole match not an option? I’d love to see a Jack Perry “desperately seeking attention” on a pole match.
Seriously, I’d pay more than $50 bucks to watch two wrestlers try to wrestle and remain undistracted while this went on in the corner:
KYLE FLETCHER & POWERHOUSE HOBBS CUT A BACKSTAGE PROMO — MINOR-HIT
Again, there are a lot of backstage promos tonight… geesh.
During this promo, Kyle Fletcher and Powerhouse Hobbs vowed to “protect the golden goose,” which I think is supposed to be Will Ospreay? If so, this promo makes it sound like Fletcher and Hobbs are secondary to Ospreay. I know they may be secondary in the eyes of the powers that be, but it’s odd for their characters to openly insinuate something like that on television.
BRYAN DANIELSON & CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI VS. KYLE FLETCHER & POWERHOUSE HOBBS — HIT
During this match, something interesting happened… At one point, Kyle Fletcher pulled back the floor mat in an attempt to powerbomb Bryan Danielson onto the exposed concert floor. However, the floor mat had other ideas. As soon as Fletcher turned his back on it, the mat flipped back over and laid back down. Fletcher then turned around and tried a second time, but once again, the mat flipped back over and laid back down. Then Powerhouse Hobbs came to help Fletcher flip the floor mat over. Hobbs held onto the floor mat as best he could while Fletcher set up the move, but low and behold, the mat flipped back over and laid back down while he was trying to execute it. This entire exchange was epic, but probably not in the way Danielson and Fletcher wanted it to be.
Side note: The Callis Family needs cohesive music.
Second side note: This was the second match to get a “This is awesome” chant tonight.
Third side note: By the end of this match, the referee seemed almost irrelevant as the match’s order broke down around him.
Fourth side note: There was a table spot that involved the announce desk, and it knocked over all of those beverage cans that always sit there unopened, unconsumed, and not used in any manner that is familiar to human beings.
POST-MAIN EVENT BEATDOWN — MINOR-HIT
Takeshita came out to beat up the BBC, and upon doing so, the crowd started chanting for Jon Moxley. Sadly, Moxley was unavailable because he was busy being a 15-time world heavyweight champion. (What’s up legend?)
FINAL THOUGHTS:
So, this week’s episode of AEW Collision was better than the last few episodes of Collision I assessed, and it was far better than this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite (which isn’t saying much). Speaking of this week’s AEW Dynamite, for the love of God, I hope the ratings are up because I am genuinely fearful that we are one more publicity stunt away from seeing Tony Khan’s dick.
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
Match of the Night: Toni Storm vs. AZM
Second Best Match: Kyle Fletcher & Powerhouse Hobbs vs. Bryan Danielson & Claudio Castagnoli
Third Best Match: Kyle Fletcher & Powerhouse Hobbs vs. The Floormat
Side Note: The real match of the night was Athena vs. Red Velvet at Battle of the Belts. If you haven’t seen that one, do.
SHOW GRADE: B
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, “laughter is the best medicine,” but if you’re allergic to laughter, try Benadryl.
(David Bryant’s bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first no-snitch fire alarm. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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