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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
MARCH 29, 2025
MILWAUKEE, WIS.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column — the best place to find the worst takes!
TONI STORM COSPLAYS AS ROSIE THE RIVETER — MEGA-HIT
Tonight’s episode of AEW Collision kicked off in the best way an episode of AEW Collision could possibly punt — with Toni Storm dressed as “Rosie the Riveter.” For any readers who happen to be unfamiliar with “Rosie the Riveter,” she was a character the U.S. Government encouraged women to model themselves after for about eight years before ushering them back into the kitchen for decades.*
In front of what I assume was a drunken security camera**, Toni Storm delivered a promo dripping with glamour, grace, and enough in-you-end-oh! to make Mae West blush, and in doing so, she sold both the “shame” of her recent loss and her desire to never have it happen to her again.
At one point, Storm laid down on her back so as to replicate the moment she was pinned, and the crowd booed at the very thought of her losing. That is how it should be. Fans should be outraged at the very thought of a beloved babyface losing, and if TK so much as thinks about having Toni Storm lose to Megan Bayne at AEW Dynasty, I will personally fly my ass to Philadephia, Pa., drive to the Liacouras Center, and smash a strongly worded email into my drafts folder before visiting Betty Ross’s house because I’m already in the area.
*For more information about “Rosie the Riveter” and the “Rosie the Housewife” campaign that followed, click here: (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosie_the_Riveter)
**THE SOFT CAM — MEGA-MISS
I have no idea why this segment chose to forgo the use of a traditional hard camera for a series of overhead shots that swayed like they had been mounted to a ship made out of hammocks, but this downward-angled camera was kept so high above the ring that I thought it was about to win a briefcase designed by Hasbro.
At one point, it appeared as though the high angle of the camera actually caused the key light (the primary spotlight in a trio of spotlights that were being used to illuminate Storm) to miss Storm’s face entirely, plunging her into darkness.
Now, while it is completely understandable for a spotlight tasked with illuminating Toni Storm to be starstruck to the point of having an existential crisis, the awkwardness of Storm (ever the consummate professional) running toward a light like an amphetamine-fueled starlet having a near-death experience is unacceptable because much like Judy Garland, Toni Storm deserved better.
Heck, AEW’s fans deserve better! The framing of this artfully executed promo featured shots that were claustrophobic, idiosyncratic, and so off-kilter that a hanging cable made its way into a pivotal shot. Even the final shot of this segment felt awkward because Penelope Ford’s drive-by kick took place so close to the camera, I could see inside of Penelope Ford’s pores, and that woman barely has pores!
I’m sorry for the rant, and if this mishap was due to technical issues with the hard cam or the layout of the venue, I can sympathize; I have worked on a number of films, and cinematography is a hard craft to master, but modern spotlights literally have guides to help pinpoint their target!
THE DEATH RIDERS CUT A PROMO — HIT
Live from a subway stairwell, Claudio Castagnoli cut a promo so entertaining, he did half my job for me (which, let’s be honest, isn’t that hard, but it’s still appreciated). In this one promo, Castagnoli referred to “Cope” aka Cliff by his birthname, Adam Copeland, and included the line, “I know that you are losing your Edge, and you are just trying to Cope with it.” I am sent! You win. If my fingers weren’t in the way, my laptop would start a slow clap. I assume. Actually, you know what? I think the lid is broken.
After Castagnoli finished lighting up what looked like my high school stairwell, Jon Moxley took time away from turning the Saw franchise into documentaries and used that time to become the founding president and sole member of the Marina Shafir Hype Squad. Moxley’s promo did more to put over Marina Shafir in three short minutes than anything AEW has done in three long years, and to my unbridled astonishment, he did all of this without channeling Vin Diesel’s version of the Riddler from Batman.
JAY WHITE vs. KEVIN KNIGHT — HIT
Jay White and Kevin Knight wrestled a stunning match that made me realize just how invested I am in stocks and bonds. I should have been just as invested in this particular match, but it is hard to invest in a match pitting a wrestler I’ve never heard of against a wrestler I’ve been trained to believe could lose to a wrestler I’ve never heard of.
Jay White has all of the skills a potential megastar would need to have. He has HBK-level linguistic skills, Punk-level in-ring skills, and he clearly has a willingness to put over anyone. Literally, anyone. Anyone at all. I mean, I assume TK requires wrestlers to have torsos if they want a chance to pin Jay White, but I’m not entirely convinced.
White’s misuse is honestly one of the biggest tragedies in AEW, and while tonight’s victory warmed the cockles (a hilarious word) of my heart, it doesn’t fully make up for the fact that, so far, White has been wasted more than a Rock Star in a luxury hotel room. But! There is good news! White is still only 32, and I assume he has a few more years left on his contract before calling Paul Levesque to see how his mother-in-law’s soul is doing; let’s make those years count. (And when I say “count,” I mean like Dracula, and not at all like counting the number of times I have to Google the names of his opponents.)
MERCEDES MONE vs. ROBIN RENEGADE — MINOR-HIT
Mercedes Mone wrestled tonight’s match in an outfit that looked like she ran through Bob Mackie’s closet and came out the other side holding a bag full of his wildest dreams, and Robin Renegade wrestled tonight’s match in an outfit that looked like she ran through a Shoddyshire county Walmart and came out the other side holding a bag full of clearance sales and a bedazzler.
All jokes aside (but never in back), Mone needs to hook up every woman in AEW’s locker room with her costume designer or at least petition to have her closet declared an official branch of the Fashion Emergency Management Agency (the other, more important FEMA).
Robin Renegade is a fine wrestler, but even the finest of wines taste better when sipped out of crystal rather than a Solo cup from Shoddyshire. Renegade certainly isn’t the worst offender when it comes to things like this, but being better than the worst isn’t enough when you are competing with the best of the best, especially when “the best” is dressed like what would happen if a Faberge egg became a Power Ranger.
Speaking of the best of the best…
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
Check out the latest episode of the “All Elite Conversation Club” with Joel Dehnel and Gregg Kanner, part of the PWTorch Dailycast line-up: CLICK HERE to stream (or search “pwtorch” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or any other iOS or Android app to subscribe free)
ATHENA INTRODUCES MERCEDES MONE TO HER FINISHING MOVE — HIT
Looking like she just finished playing League of Legends from the inside, Athena met Mercedes in the ring, and two of the best women’s wrestlers in the world confronted each other like planets colliding in the night sky.
Athena taunted Mone with her Cena-inspired belt, her Jem-inspired hair, and her Superhero-inspired finisher with a Screech-inspired name… the O-Face. (I will never understand how a death-defying maneuver that was once called The Eclipse got renamed to something that sounds like you’re having an orgasm and a facepalm at the exact same time.)
TONIGHT, QUEEN AMINATA’S INTERRUPTED INTERVIEW WAS BROUGHT TO US BY A WOMAN WITH THE IN-RING SKILLS OF A WRESTLING SAVANT AND THE COMPASSION OF A MISMATCHED SOCK— MINOR-HIT
This is going to sound like a strange compliment, so let me preface it by saying I’m gay, and therefore, I am not trying to convey creepiness:
Queen Aminata has the kind of face you can’t help but trust. I don’t even know Queen Aminata, and I would let this woman borrow my phone, babysit my beloved collection of #smellmaxxing colognes, and memorize my social security number for reasons that I am sure would be wholesome.
Serena Deeb, on the other hand, is as hardboiled as an egg-based detective, as intimidating as eating ribs on a first date, and is so into everything “dodge” that she probably cut 20,000 jobs while I was writing this sentence. On top of that, and to emphasize Deeb’s toughness, she chose to wear a white top that had been rolled around in Toni Storm’s bucket of broken glass.
These two women do not belong in the same room together, much less the same interview, and that is exactly why I consider this pairing brilliant. I hope AEW delves into these fictional characters’ private lives to show us what makes them tick and drives their most controversial decisions. Before its inevitable implosion, I want this relationship to feel as meaningful as Queen Aminata’s face feels trustful because that will make its demolition at All In (look at me pretending AEW has patience) all the more meaningful.
The reason I gave this segment a “Minor-Hit” instead of a full-blown “Hit” is because A.) interrupted interviews have become more cliché than eggplant emojis and B.) Aminata and Deeb should work with acting coaches or at least watch some YouTube tutorials on “Human Speech Simulation.”
Trust me, as someone who has directed a crap-ton of actors, there is NO shame in doing this! Even the best of the best do this. Heck, Noah Schnapp was so nervous about a scene that he didn’t think he could pull off that he literally went to Winona Ryder’s trailer to ask for help.
Now he has a Screen Actors Guild award.
REDWOOD & BAD APPLE vs. TOP FLIGHT — WORDS
Dante Martin, the man gravity forgot (until his ankle got in the way), and his brother named… I want to say, Mr. Martin? — took on Bad Apple and the cover model for Needlessly Tall magazine, a bi-weekly publication that is subscribed to by Wade Keller* and no one else.
This match was good, but its ending was as shocking as an Amish light socket. (Remember that time Dante Martin wrestled for the AEW World Heavyweight Championship? Saltyridge Farm remembers.)
*Wade Keller is an awesome boss, and I shouldn’t be making jokes about him, but dammit, I need to fill space in my needlessly long columns.
JAMIE HAYTER CUTS AN INTERVIEW THAT WENT SURPRISINGLY UNINTERRUPTED — HIT
OMG! I’ve missed you, Daphne!
Dressed like a leprechaun being eaten by a bear, Jamie Hayter announced that she was main-eventing tonight’s episode of AEW Collision (Hell yeah!) and that she would be throwing her name into the hat (which I assume belongs to Martha Hart and looks like what you’d want to wear to an Easter egg hunt at a graveside service) to compete in the Owen Hart tournament!
Side Note: Did no one tell Jamie Hayter her pantyhose was sticking out of her pants? I loved this outfit, but a friendly intervention would have made it perfect. Hayter does have friends backstage, right?
Second side note: I cannot give enough props to AEW for how much they have improved their handling of the Women’s division. I can give scenery though. I have a lot of stage flats that are just randomly hanging out in my garage, so if AEW needs an LED Hollywood sign, a sports shop/gymnasium backdrop, a brick alleyway on wheels, or a wallpapered living room with candlelight sconces and Mickey Mouse posters, give me a call. Props, however, I do not have enough.
ADAM COLE CALLS OUT DANIEL GARCIA — HIT
HBK’s Substance clone called out Daniel Garcia (who was once again wearing clothes despite my recommendations), and Garcia came to the ring with his best pal, and the only man I’ve ever seen named after a Grindr profile, Daddy Magic.
Given the blandness of this promo’s outline, its captivating appeal and well-paced cadence are truly a testament to Cole and Garcia’s evolving mic skills. These guys literally looked in the promo closet and said, “Give me the simplest outfit you’ve got,” and then proceeded to wear it like an attention wh—re at the Met Gala.
Side Note: You know those acting classes I mentioned a few segments back? Daddy Magic would be a good person to call. His expressions in the background of this segment were subtle but clear, and instead of trying to make himself the star, he tried to make himself the best supporting character he could possibly be in an effort to elevate Garcia. I make a lot of jokes about Daddy Magic because his name sounds like a movie about an AARP strip club, but I really should spend more time pointing out his skillset because that kind of acting talent is harder to come by than you’d think.
ATHENA TEACHES A MASTERCLASS IN THE CUTTING OF A SHORT N’ SWEET (SHAMELESS SABRINA CARPENTER PLUG) PROMO — MEGA-HIT
Hot Topic Girl Doll and real-life Thundercat, Athena absolutely owned my high school’s stairwell and the camera lens’ soul as she laid into Mercedes Mone with a promo that begged the question: how is Billie Starkz, someone who is so good at wrestling, still so bad at doing words? You are literally Athena’s mentee! The solution to all of your problems is standing right next to you.
Quick Aside: Starkz, let me pull you aside for a second and give you some advice that I’m sure you will never see, hear, or know about and has all of the monetary value of two cents after being pressed in a souvenir machine. Now, before I start, let me ask you a question: have you ever seen the 1989 film “When Harry Met Sally?” (If you haven’t, it’s okay; my fiancé is Gen-Z, too.) If you have seen it, do you know that woman who looks over at Meg Ryan’s fake orgasm and says, “I’ll have what she’s having?”
Do that.
Look over at Athena, and then decide you want to have what she is having because you can have it as long as you believe you can. Good speaking skills come from self-confidence, and self-confidence is a lot like Meg Ryan’s fake orgasms. You don’t actually have to have self-confidence to portray self-confidence. If you can fake it well enough, people will buy into it because no one can read your mind except you.
DAX “THE AXE” HARWOOD vs. WHEELER YUTA — HIT
Well, Dax Harwood has a moniker crammed into the middle of his name, and we all know how that ends. I just hope Cash Wheeler can avoid barbershop windows between now and All In.
That said, this match was good, but this match’s post-match angle was…
CASH WHEELER MAKES RIDICULOUS ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MISUNDERSTANDINGS — MISS
After the match, Dax “The Axe” Harwood was surrounded by a group of AEW’s vending machine-quality security guards who really need to consider unionizing*, and in the process of pulling those NPC guards off of Harwood, Cash Wheeler was accidentally shoved.
Of course, because professional wrestlers have brains the size of quantum particles, Wheeler assumed Harwood’s accidental shove was done to purposefully spite him.
*As was suggested on Wade Keller’s Pro-Wrestling Post Show for last week’s episode of AEW Dynamite, which you can watch HERE.
LIO RUSH & ACTION ANDRETTI USE THE WORD “BOY” A LOT — MISS
Momma Wayne was the best part of this promo. She is so good at her job, it’s astounding. I cannot believe this woman was not a trained actress before taking on this role.
The second best part of this promo was Nick Wayne and Kip Sabian. However, the material a performer is given to work with matters just as much as the performance itself, and this entire promo appeared to be built around a 2023 angle without so much as a mention of what happened during that angle in 2023. The “assumed knowledge” was strong with this one. I’m surprised they didn’t reference the AR Fox vs. Nick Wayne match at GCW’s Astronaut PPV in 2022. I mean, after all, casual viewers are all-knowing beings with the memory of a vigilante elephant.
HOLOGRAM VS. BLAKE CHRISTIAN — HIT (BUT OMG…)
Day-Glo action figure, high-flying wrestler, and stardust magician, Hologram wrestled Blake Christian, who I assumed was Seth Green if Seth Green was also a 70s porn star. That said, this match was fantastic, but Hologram’s character development has separated me from all of my f—ks. They now live in an orphanage for f—ks that is located in the faraway land of Shoddyshire, which is located about 20 miles outside of Give-a-Damn.
KRIS STATLANDER AND THUNDER ROSA HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE — MINOR-HIT
Dressed like the cover of Taylor Swift’s Folklore, Kris Statlander announced that she would be entering the Owen Hart Tournament alongside Thunder Rosa (of Thunder Tits fame.)
JAMIE HAYTER vs. BILLIE STARKZ — MEGA-HIT
Dressed like a MAGA meme about “owning the Libs,” Billie Starkz faced off against Jamie Hayter who was either dressed as Burberry Tinkerbell or a Keibler Elf in a shampoo commercial — I can’t decide, but you should definitely watch this match and decide for yourself!
This match was riveting (but not Rosie), hardboiled (but not egg-based), and orgasmic (but not the fake kind.) Hayter vs. Starkz kept my eyes glued to the computer screen from start to finish, which is really saying something considering that can lead to corneal tears, detached retinas, and outright blindness. It was totally worth it.
I hope TK continues to feature women in his main event scene, especially when they can go in the ring with the same agility and mastery that Hayter and Starkz left on full display for us tonight.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This week’s show was better than last week’s “Slam Dunk” episodes, and I am frankly surprised. You would think that AEW would want to put its best foot forward when its biggest potential audience was watching… unless their secret strategy involves confusing Nielsen families into thinking this week was last week, which, honestly, feels plausible at this point.
Not that last week’s Garcia vs. Cole match was anything other than a spectacular work of art! AEW has proven time and again that, despite its shortcomings and naysayers, it still manages to somehow stumble its way into brilliance. I’m not entirely sure how such a gumshoe promotion gets so lucky so often, but every time I see it happen, it feels like I’m watching a professional wrestling company find winning lottery tickets stuck to the bottom of its shoe.
Going forward here is hoping for more lottery tickets and less gum. (Unless you like gum more than money, which I’m pretty sure is a wholeass character arc in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”)
Now, for tonight’s show grade:
On a 7-point grading scale, I would give this show’s “Match Grade” an “A,” due in large part to the Hayter vs. Starkz match as well as the Harwood vs Yuta match. I would give this show’s “Storylines Grade” a “B+” due to the in-ring promo cut by Toni Storm, the backstage promo cut by the Death Riders, and Athena’s interactions with Mercedes Mone.
So, if I’m grading this on a 7-point grading scale, an “A” would be a 97, and a “B+” would be a 92. The average of those two grades would be a 94.5 which averages out to a very solid “A-.” That would mean that “A-“ grade is literally half a point removed from being an “A.”
Overall Match Grade: A
Overall Storylines Grade: B+
SHOW GRADE: A-
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: Jamie Hayter vs. Billie Starkz
- Second Best Match: Dax “The Axe” Harwood vs. Wheeler Yuta
- Third Best Match: Hologram vs. Blake Christian
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, jokes are like IKEA instructions: confusing, probably assembled wrong, and the enjoyment they give you is fleeting.
(David Bryant’s bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first reverse oven, which is a refrigerator that sets off a fire alarm whenever I use it. Less impressively, David studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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