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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
MARCH 15, 2025
LAS VEGAS, NEV.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT & AUGUST STRACHAN, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTORS
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column — the best place to find the worst takes!
Friends, pray for me as I write this damn thing. I have had to rewrite this column five times so far due to an astonishing number of random bluescreen crashes. My laptop truly is the Darby Allin of Alienwares.
COLD OPEN — HIT
Ricochett’s Cold Open: Wearing a buttoned-down shirt that looks like Kane farted, Ricochet opened tonight’s episode with a flurry of words that were all soundly located in the ab section of normal.
Shibata’s Cold Open: Shibata countered Richocett’s promo by using his phone to communicate the words, “Shut up, baldy,” which sounded extremely immature for someone who is not me.
FTR’s Cold Open: FTR cut the best cold-open of the night, but to keep things on-brand, AEW’s production truck accidentally cut away from them mid-sentence.
Other Cold Opens: Tonight’s other cold open segments included Mark Davis sharing Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe, Mark Briscoe sharing a word salad recipe, and the Undisputed Kingdom sharing three entirely different versions of the exact same shirt.
THEME SONG RETURN — MEGA-HIT
Last week, AEW decided to forgo Collision’s theme song, and as an Elton John fan (a requirement of being simultaneously white and gay), I was disappointed. But tonight, I was reappointed and humming the words, “It’s (8 p.m. EST), and I want to rock…”
THE VENUE LIGHTING — HIT
As I’ve said before, I love these unique venues AEW has been using as of late, and I love them even more so when they are lit up and showcased as if they were as vital to the show’s sets as an over-reliance on LED screens.
Please, continue utilizing this kind of lighting going forward. Allow the fans at home to see the fans in attendance and the building that surrounds them. Doing this lets us feel as though we are right there, live and in person, rather than in the vacuum of a bottomless black hole.
SHIBATA vs. RICOCHET — HIT
When Ricochet first appeared in AEW, I hated having to sh— all over him because he was a hardworking talent with the personality of a kid who thinks “swag” is still a word, Heelys are still shoes, and bringing his own Lunchables to pizza parties was cool.
However, now, I love getting to sh— all over Ricochet because he is a hardworking talent with the personality of a kid who still thinks “swag” is still a word, Heelys are shoes for heels, and Luchables are “ultra” in ways other than processed, and if you don’t like them, he will shove them down your throat faster than you can say “jelly bracelet.”
Anyway, this was a solid match with a shakey ending, but I guess if you want to protect Shibata, that’s the kind of ending you would go for. (Personally, I would have gone all in on Ricochet’s delectably detestable new gimmick and given him a clean win to go with his backward-baseball-cap aesthetic.)
THE MURDER MACHINE BEATS UP GENERIC WRESTLERS — MISS
Sending a strong message to any indie talent who would dare to sneak backstage, the Murder Machine (not to be confused with The Gunns), beat the everloving crap out of four local wrestlers. For me, and your mileage may vary, this angle garnered less “heat” and more “cryogenic stasis.”
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
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“TIMELESS” TONI STORM DOES GENIUS THINGS — MEGA-MEGA-HIT
Live from inside Goldust’s Rolex, Toni Storm cut a glorious promo.
NGL, I had my doubts about whether or not an unapologetically “face” version of “Timeless” Toni Storm would work out as well as Storm’s “tweener” version of her character, but it turns out those doubts were as unfounded as ice cream oven.
I can’t decide what my favorite part of this promo was. It might have been Storm’s braggadocious proclamation about “hitting on anything over 21;” it might have been her asking Megan Bayne, “What sort of perverted fanfiction did they write you up in?” or it might have been watching Luther stroke his non-existant beard like he was Dr. Evil attending Cleopatra’s funeral. Whatever my favorite part was, this entire segment left begging for this.
POWERHOUSE HOBBS vs. ROYALY SCREWED — IN-THE-MIDDLE
Griff Garrison made his return and demise against Powerhouse Hobbs.
THE OUTRUNNER’S GET INVOLVED — MISS
Live from the inside of an arcade machine’s mid-life crisis…
THUNDER ROSA CUTS A PROMO AND MEGAN BAYNE CUTS A BEATING — HIT
This segment started off with a bang and ended with a Megan Bange. I don’t have much to critique about Thunder Rosa’s promo. While this wasn’t her greatest promo (Her greatest promo was cut on April 13 2024.), she showed intensity, drive, and did not sound like she was cutting a promo for the sole purpose of being interrupted by Megan Bayne.
MARK VS. MARK — MINOR-HIT
So, in this match, Mark marked Mark with some harsh moves that left a mark, and while the match’s in-ring action clearly marked both Mark’s dedication to their craft, I didn’t mark out much for this Mark Briscoe vs. Mark Davis match.
This was the final match to decide the last participant in the upcoming four-way bout that will ultimately determine Kenny Omega’s challenger at Dynasty (The PPV; not the soap opera). Honestly, I was surprised to see Davis get a win here, especially considering this match had stakes. As a Mark Davis fan, the only stakes I have seen him win lately have involved hearts and puncture wounds.
Side Note: For the love of everything holy, please stop talking about Mark Davis’ “big fat dumper.” I am trying to remain gay, and you’re making it difficult.
MURDER MACHINES VS. THOSE GUYS — MISS
Wearing a coat of many wrestlers, Brian Cage and Lance Archer hauled the same local talent they had beaten up previously (and not continuously because that would be ridiculous) to the ring and then beat them up some more. Times time, however, an official AEW referee was involved so now it makes sense.
SWERVE STRICKLAND PROMO — HIT
Here he is! Swerve Strickland — man, myth, legend, and Number 1 contender for the AEW World Heavyweight Championship as soon as that other contender gets his match on Dynamite first.
JON MOXLEY ATTACKS SWERVE STRICKLAND — HIT
Dressed like a Google Image search for the words “cartoon burglar,”* Jon Moxley kneecapped Swerve Strickland with a crowbar as retaliation for the Number 2 contender not knowing how the numbers work.
JON MOXLEY CUTS A RIDDLE — HIT
Standing in front of an ambulance full of valentines,* Moxley called Copeland “Superman” and then screamed the word “over” three times in the hopes of manifesting a successful conclusion to this storyline.
*Seriously, what is with those heart logos?
THUNDER ROSA GETS TOUCHED BY A TRAINER — MINOR-MISS
OMG. Has no one in AEW ever visited a doctor? I swear I could walk into an AEW Trainer’s room with a severed limb and they’d pat it down with a washcloth until I bled out.
Who are the people portraying these doctors? Are they real doctors? Would actors do a better job? Why does every AEW doctor look like they are tending to their patients by gently brushing dirt off of delicate dinosaur bones? Why do they always look terrified of wrestlers but exude the energy of a theme park animatronic when attending to them? Why did MJF’s eyeballs need oxygen?
TOP FLIGHT & HOLOGRAM vs. SHAYNE TAYLOR PROMOTIONS — MEGA-MISS
At least Harley-gram didn’t’ come out with…
Dammit.
Well. There she is. Harley-gram. The most Vince McMahon thing I have ever seen in AEW, and I’ve literally seen Ricochet.
Harley Cameron is one of the most promising talents on AEW’s roster, and this is what you do with her? Please, for the love of Mama Benjamin, remove this Doudrop-adjecent hex from Cameron’s shoulders and throw it into the same fire as Beaver Cleavage, Katie Vick, Lita’s pregnancy, that one Dog Kennel match, and the soul of every person responsible for Billy and Chuck’s wedding.
Just a few weeks ago, Cameron had one of the best matches of her career against Mercedes Mone at Grand Slam Australia. Now, she is covering her beautiful face card with a mask that is only slightly less offensive than Jack Perry’s beard while being inexplicably attached to a character who goes to work dressed like a half-hearted proton pack from Ghostbusters.
Wait. Was there a match happening?
THUNDER ROSA vs. MEGAN BAYNE — HIT
Wow. That was a Megan “Banger” of a match!
First of all, I have to tip my hat to Thunder Rosa. She made Megan Bayne look like a million bucks tonight, and still, Rosa continues to be underappreciated both online and on screen. Second of all, I have to tip my hat, shirt, pants, and shoes to Megan Bayne. This woman moves like a lion and looks like a tank. To quote the artist formerly known as Enzo, “You can’t teach that.”
“TIMELESS TONI STORM ARRIVES!” — MEGA-ULTRA-SUPER-COMBOOOO-I-MEAN-IT-HIT (August Strachan bears sole responsibility for the loquaciousness of this rating.)
The Glenn Close of wrestling graced the stage once more and like the future EGOT she is, Storm victoriously… Oh, wait. She got her ass beat.
No one gets their ass beat better than Toni Storm! The sheer grace and elegance with which she crashed to the canvas was a performance worthy of the adulation of all 9,905 voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and all 9,905 remaining members of AEW’s viewers.
That canvas is so lucky.
FTR vs. THE UNDISPUTED KINGDOM w/ADAM COLE & DANIEL GARCIA (FULLY CLOTHED) ON COMMENTARY — HIT
Did anyone seriously think this match wasn’t going to deliver? FTR delivers like Amazon only better because they know how to use a restrained amount of packaging material. (Hi. This is David. While August’s commentary on this match is correct, I feel like it is in the best interest of fair journalism to inform you that August’s enormous crush on Dax Harwood may be indicative of a mild amount of bias and an extreme amount of blindness.)
FTR and The Undisputed Kingdom now stand one-to-one in terms of victories for the various members of their respective teams. Because of this, I assume the ultimate victor in this feud will be decided by an upcoming rematch between Adam Cole and Daniel Garcia. Personally, I expect Cole to win, but I wish Garcia had been given more of a chance as TNT Champion. AEW did very little to distinguish Garcia or give him a unique identity or aura to wrap around his title reign.
Garcia did not change after he captured the title, and as a result, he still felt like a marginal character, existing on the outside looking in. It felt as though Garcia was the one who attached himself to other stables rather than having those stables attach themselves to him. If AEW decides to pull the trigger and go with Cole as their next TNT Champion, I hope they do better by him because Garcia deserved better.
FINAL THOUGHTS
While tonight’s episode of AEW Collision was certainly not the best episode of AEW Collision, it was far from being a bad one. Sure, there were moments that would have been better off if they’d left them in the rubbish bin (I’m looking at you, Harley-gram.)*
*And to be clear, I am looking at Harley-gram; not Harley Cameron. Harley Cameron, you are awesome, and please blink twice if you need to be rescued.
Overall Match Grade: B
Overall Storylines Grade: B+
SHOW GRADE: B
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: FTR vs. The Undisputed Kingdom
- Second Best Match: Shibata vs. Ricochet
- Third Best Match: Megan Bayne vs. Thunder Rosa
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, Speedball killed River Phoenix.
(David Bryant’s bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first self-blinking eyelashes. Less impressively, David studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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