SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
FEBRUARY 1, 2025
HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
AIRED ON TNT AND MAX
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column — the best place to find the worst takes!
I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you guys, gals, and other pals last week, but I was working on my fiancé’s K1-Visa application, and Mr. Keller was very gracious in allowing me the week off. He really is one of the best bosses you could ever work for, and I’m not just saying that because there’s a good chance he might read this.
Speaking of reading, it is once again time to read Collision.
I mean review Collision.
It is time to review Collision for filth.
HOOK & SAMOA JOE vs. NICK WAYNE & KIP SABIAN (w/The Other “Daddy Magic”) — MINOR-HIT
This week’s episode of AEW Collision opened to a hardy crowd of enthusiastic seats and about a thousand fans who stuck around after last week’s Dynamite. I assume many of those fans were there to bask in the “battle of the twinks” that opened the show. Now, while we did get that aforementioned battle and while it was indeed a baskful one, I was hoping for something clean and honest that would deliver for the fans, but unfortunately, Hook decided to cheat by wearing black underwear beneath his trunks.
Bad form.
Side note: Watching Kip Sabian slip off the top rope in spectacular fashion was an entertaining moment, but for the safety of the wrestlers, please stop greasing the ropes (I assume that’s the issue. I mean, this is the same company that looked at rounded ring posts and asked, “How can we make these more dangerous?”).
Second Side Note: Tony Schiavone should be ashamed of himself because, in the middle of the match, he tried to remove his wedding ring while talking about Momma Cougar. Thankfully, the noble Nigel McGuinness caught him in the “Nick” of time.
POST-MATCH BEATDOWN — HIT
After the match, The Patriarchy went all “Death Rides” on Hook and Joe, except that unlike Jon Moxley, when Christian cuts a promo about it, you won’t need to hire a psychic to decipher the words for you.
SPEAKING OF WOEFUL PROMOS — MEGA-HIT
Coming to us live from the inside of an electric cigarette lighter, Edge… I mean Cope… I mean Precpice… No. Wait. Precipice isn’t a one-syllable name.
Cliff cut one of the best promos we’ve heard from him since his arrival in AEW. The only note I have is that, and this is only my opinion, Cliff should refrain from calling Jon Moxley a “kid.” We get it, Edge is in his 50s, but let’s not highlight that for the same reasons I don’t start conversations with, “Hi! I chose these shoes because I’m 5’6.”
Side Note: I feel like this well-executed promo would have had even more impact had The Death Riders been more omnipresent in every aspect of the show. If you’re going to do a story like this, go all in. Have them ruin everyone’s lives. Make them feel like an existential crisis in the battle of the conscience of AEW’s soul.
At first, it felt like AEW was going to do this, and then AEW saw a butterfly and wandered off.
Second Side Note: While giving us fans this “first-ever” match-up makes sense, don’t end the match by putting the title on Cliff. Not yet, at least. Beating Moxley is one of the most prestigious things an AEW wrestler can do, and there are so many younger wrestlers in the company (wrestlers who will be with AEW for years to come) who have ample time left on their bump cards to repay AEW ten-fold for the benefits of such a victory.
THE BEAST MORTOS vs. ADAM PRIEST — MISS
Adam Priest (who you may remember from such wrestling classics as the April 5, 2021 edition of Dark Elevation) was completely obliterated by The Beast Mortos (who you may remember from some such wrestling classics as ideas Vince Russo would have said no to) in a 60-second squash match.
Side Note: I care far more about Adam Priest than I do The Beast Mortos because I still have not been given a reason to care about The Beast Mortos who looks like a character from Arcania and not like a thing that exists in real life. Maybe they explained his personality and motivations vividly on an episode of Ring of Honor or some other form of shoulder content, but I try my best not to drive along the shoulder of highways because it is meant to be used for emergencies and because using it in any other circumstance is illegal.
RUSH VS. MAX “THE MOST CRAPTASTICAL WRESTLER ALIVE” CASTER — HIT
While I’ve not been given a ton of reasons to root for Rush (outside of a handful of Quentin Tarantino outtakes), I have been given a heaping helping of reasons to root against Max “The Cheugiest Wrestler Alive” Caster after he betrayed the patron saint of creatine, Anthony Bowens.
LEXY NAIR INTERVIEWS THE OUTRUNNERS — MEGA-MISS
No. None of this. Everything about this is wrong.
THE LEARNING FOREST vs. THE OUTRUNNERS — HIT (BECAUSE THE OUTRUNNERS LOST)
This match wasn’t perfect (Although, Chris Jericho’s “Hi Guys”-ranna was hilarious), but at least The Outrunners did not win. Don’t get me wrong, The Outrunners’ in-ring skills are fine — heck, they are more than fine — it is just that everything else about them is awful.
REDWOOD GETS C—BLOCKED FROM SLAMMING THE OUTRUNNERS THROUGH A TABLE — NOOOO!
After the match, Redwood and Bad Apple were about to do the world a favor by slamming The Outrunners back to the decade from which they came. However, for some reason I do not yet understand, Bandido showed up and slammed Mr. Apple through the table instead.
Why?
Why in God’s name would AEW deny us the spectacular image of the decimation of The Outrunners? Just because the Royal Rumble is on opposite of this broadcast, doesn’t mean we don’t also deserve nice things, too.
LEXY NAIR INTERVIEWS OKADA — HIT…-ISH
This would have been a fine promo interruption (does any promo in AEW ever go uninterrupted?), except that Buddy Matthews’ laugh sounds about as authentic as the acceptance of a Jumbotron proposal.
Side Note: “Hounds of Hell” sounds like a name the Hells Angels thought about for two seconds and rejected. Can we please go with “The House of Hearts” or literally anything else that doesn’t sound like a Marilyn Manson B-Side?
HALREY CAMERON vs. TAYA VALKYRIE — HIT
Taya Valkyrie is the queen of facial expressions and her gift for always finding the right camera to make eye contact with borders on the supernatural. The way Valkyrie seethed with anger and astonishment after Harley Cameron’s victory did as much to put over Cameron as the pinfall itself.
As for Cameron, she is bordering on having one of those rare “lightning in a bottle” moments that Tony Khan desperately needs to cork but never does. This match literally got a “Feel the Wrath” chant. While I’m not yet convinced that Cameron can do quite as much for the AEW Women’s Division as Toni Storm, Mariah May, Britt Baker, and Thunder Rosa, I’m also not convinced she can’t.
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
Check out the latest episode of the “All Elite Conversation Club” with Joel Dehnel and Gregg Kanner, part of the PWTorch Dailycast line-up: CLICK HERE to stream (or search “pwtorch” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or any other iOS or Android app to subscribe free)
RENEE PAQUETTE SITS DOWN AND THEN STANDS UP FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH RICOCHET — MINOR-HIT
Ricochet said all of the right things in this promo, but his voice sounds like a Charles Dicken’s character. That has always been a bit of a problem with him, to be honest. Still, this new murderous, felonious, and some-how-not-in-jailious version of him is the most interesting version of him he’s ever been.
SWERVE TAKES RENEE’S SEAT TO CONTINUE THE INTERVIEW — MEGA-HIT
Swerve Strickland interrupted Renee Paquette and took her seat to continue the interview (because that’s how journalism works), and things quickly escalated to the close proximity of murder in the 2nd degree. Typically, I would take off “hit” points for something like that, but given that this is AEW, it would be more unusual for a segment to not involve death threats.
You know what?
At this point, I’m on the verge of just accepting that AEW’s Universe takes place in the same universe as the Purge if the purge part never ended.
“TIMELESS” TONI STORM STEALS THE SHOW AGAIN — MEGA-MEGA-HIT
Now in her “Mildred Pierce” era, Toni Storm literally stepped back into the spotlight in an on-stage segment that featured her struggling to do the “Toni Time” sign, assuring fans that she really was the one who played that “young girl in the red shorts,” and wearing Ingrid Bergman’s hair from the 1946 film “Notorious” but bigger.
This was everything I could have ever wanted from such a segment. In fact, even the camerawork was some of AEW’s best camera work to date. I have no additional notes to add, except: more of this, please.
HARLEY CAMERON MAKES MERCEDES LOOK LIKE A DUMMY — HIT
As a massive fan of Randy Feltface, I could not have enjoyed this segment more; however, I have no idea how normal people felt.
DANIEL GARCIA vs. LEE MORIARTY vs. KYLE O’REILLY — MINOR-HIT
There was nothing overtly wrong with this match except that it took place without any obvious explanation as to why Daniel Garcia would agree to put himself in a situation where he did not have to be pinned to lose his title.
Side Note: It looks like the point of this match was to lead to another clustermatch next week. Joy.
HOLOGRAM INTERACTS WITH THE CGI TEAM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FLASH MOVIE — MINOR-HIT
While this video looked entirely out of place in AEW (or in any facet of the real world), I hope AEW continues to explain to me why and how Hologram can shoot space dust from his fingertips. Yes, I know; it is not the best backstory, but at this point, I will take any backstory over nothing at all.
MEGAN BAYNE vs. HYENA HERA — MISS
I have nothing against Megan Bayne (She is good in the ring and looks intimidating), but three squashes in one show are two squashes too many.
KRIS STATLANDER HAS ANOTHER CHANGE OF HEART — MINOR-HIT
Kris Statlander’s character changes hearts more often than Dick Cheney.
JON MOXLEY & WHEELER YUTA vs. FTR — HIT
Wheeler Yuta came out to the ring with a chest that looked like it had been absolutely blistered by chops, and I imagine that is how his friends help him “warm up.”
As for the match itself, this one was consistently entertaining, and even though I could have done without the bolt cutters to the nose and without Wheeler Yuta taking the pinfall, both of those things should have been expected by now. Plus, FTR’s in-ring storytelling ability is impeccable and meshes well with Jon Moxley’s. All three of those men are true artists, and this match allowed all three of them to showcase that artistry — full-stop.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This show had too many squash matches, and while the main event was very enjoyable, a show is more than just its main event. For that reason, I’m giving its overall match grade a “C.” On the other hand, it has been nice to see more storytelling added into AEW Collision. I was unable to review last week’s show, but had I been able to, I would have given its storylines an “A+.”
This week’s storytelling wasn’t quite as in-depth as last week’s, but you can’t have big storyline reveals every week. (Can you believe that girl in the red shorts was played by Toni Storm??? Good gracious, she is good.) Therefore, I will give this week’s storylines a solid “B” due to the outstanding promo delivered by “Timeless” Toni Storm.
So, if on a 7-point grading scale, a solid “C” is the equivalent of an 81 and a solid “B” is the equivalent of an 89, that averages out to an overall show grade of 85, which is the equivalent of a “B-”
- Overall Match Grade: C
- Overall Storylines Grade: B
SHOW GRADE: B-
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: Jon Moxley & Wheeler Yuta vs. FTR
- Second Best Match: Daniel Garcia vs. Lee Moriarty vs. Kyle O’Reilly
- Third Best Match: Harley Cameron vs. Taya Valkyrie
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, you can’t spell the word shame without the word ham. And also me. And sha.
(David Bryant’s bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant juggling can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first permanent deodorant, which I swear is not soldered on Saran Wrap. Less impressively, David studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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