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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
DECEMBER 21, 2024
NEW YORK CITY, N.Y.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
Check out the latest episode of the “All Elite Conversation Club” with Joel Dehnel and Gregg Kanner, part of the PWTorch Dailycast line-up: CLICK HERE to stream (or search “pwtorch” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or any other iOS or Android app to subscribe free)
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column, the best place to find the worst takes!
Did ya miss me?!
Well, I missed you, and I’m excited to be back! Despite taking an intentional sabbatical from professional wrestling, television in general, and most social media, the past few months have been a whirlwind of delight. I toured twelve states in the U.S. with my Australian fiancé, went on a 10-day cruise, spent nine days at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando, visited three beautiful destinations in Canada, and helped my partner file for a K-1 Fiancé Visa so that they can eventually live here in the United States alongside me. I did all of this while carrying around a Darby Allin bag (which will be relevant later on in this column).
Anyway, let me tell you. I love AEW, but catching up on AEW after a long hiatus is like trying to snort cocaine through the world’s thinnest straw. Feel free to take that metaphor however you like, just don’t take it out of context.
In closing, (my opening statements, not the column), I want to take a moment to thank Wade Keller for not only being understanding but for caring enough to keep in touch with me throughout my travels and ask after my physical and mental health. Mr. Keller is every bit as nice as he seems in his podcasts. (Except for when he’s on Todd Martin’s podcasts. That version of Keller is the “Chucky” version of Keller, and all you “Chucky” fans out there know what I mean.)
And speaking of Chucky, this unrelated show opened with…
IN-RING INTRO — IDEK
This week’s episode of AEW Collision was kicked off in the ring by Ian Riccaboni, and for some reason, The Costco Guys. (I know I’ve been gone a long time, but is Collision being broadcast on TikTok now?)
THROWING PAPER PRODUCTS AT THE RING — MEGA-HIT
To whichever superfan threw those streamers at Will Ospreay, I appreciate the effort, but you need to work on your aim because you almost hit him.
To whoever threw literal rolls of toilet paper at Ricochet, I appreciate your efforts, but you need to work on your aim because you failed to hit him.
Side Note: This signing should have been Ricochet’s chance to reinvent himself, but instead, he just relocated himself, and much like Sheamus in a snowstorm, he is not standing out. I don’t know what needs to be changed, but Ricochet’s gimmick needs a purpose statement, a direction, and a lot more edge. (Not the wrestler.)
I have nothing against Ricochet’s in-ring work, and I’m sure he’s a lovely person outside of the ring, but I can’t be the only person who thinks his personality tastes like Gatorade Zero. It’s not something you hate, but it’s also not something you’d have with dinner.
WILL OSPREAY vs. RICHOCET — MEGA-HIT
This was not the match I was looking forward to the most tonight (that would have been Darby Allin vs. Claudio Castagnoli), but it over-delivered like Amazon. (Seriously, I don’t know what is going on at Amazon’s packaging department, but I have ordered playing cards that have arrived in refrigerator boxes.)
One of this match’s highlights was watching Ricochet realize, in real-time, that the local crowd viewed him in the same way John Cena was viewed at One Night Stand, and, being the pro he is, Ricochet changed his character’s disposition appropriately. In fact, for this one match, Ricochet’s personality tasted like Red Bull: Yellow, and I’m here for it.
At one point during this match, Ricochet wiped his ass with the aforementioned fan-thrown toilet paper and shoved it into Ospreay’s face. The crowd gave this act of WTF-ism a chant of “You Sick F—!” Maybe if Ricochet embraced such heelish antics every match (and never spoke into a microphone again), he could come off as a wannabe-badass who people would pay money to see defeated. Whatever he does, he needs to avoid presenting a character whose personality tastes like flavored sweat. His in-ring skills deserve better.
A HYPE VIDEO FOR DARBY ALLIN vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI AIRED — HIT
Reminding us that this match is a big deal is a no-brainer, but given some of the recent shampoo-infused decisions AEW’s hair-brain has been making, I feel compelled to give them props for getting it right.
ADAM COLE AND MJF CUT DUELING PROMOS — HIT
If facial expressions were an energy source, these two could fuel the world. My fiancé has a bachelor’s degree in drama, and I attended the University of North Carolina School of the Arts, and we both spent a lot of this segment discussing the facial expressions of MJF and Adam Cole.
At one point, MJF looked like he might tear up (and he didn’t even need a menthol-infused tear stick to do it), but despite MJF’s near-flawless delivery, some of this segment’s best facial expressions came from Adam Cole. For the purposes of giving you a specific example, rewatch Adam Cole’s muted but authentic performance in response to MJF’s “Britt Baker” line. It was so realistic that my partner and I literally went back to watch it a second time. It felt like you could see the wheels turning in Adam Cole’s head, despite no part of his head moving. That’s acting talent.
Acting is an incredibly important part of the performance art of professional wrestling, and frankly, I don’t feel like any of us talk about it enough. For every wrestling class a wrestler takes, they should also take an acting class, join an improv troop, or read through “The Emotion Thesaurus” (a book originally meant for writers, but one that I have asked multiple actors to read because it explains the conveying of emotions so well. If you’re an aspiring wrestler, actor, or writer, and want to check out this book, you can do so HERE.) [Editor’s Note: Bookmark a local indepenendent bookstore to support when you buy books online or just go with our choice, Drury Lane Books in the wonderful far northern small town of Grand Marais, Minn.]
Anyway, someone should start a high-profile podcast or vlog that focuses solely on acting in the context of professional wrestling because I would watch the hell out of that.
KRIS STATLANDER CUTS A PROMO — MINOR MISS (SO, MUCH BETTER THAN USUAL)
What happened to Stokely Hathaway?
Why would you take away someone so helpful to Kris Statlander?
Have they already rebooted Kris Statlander’s character for the 13th time?
I haven’t been gone THAT long!
Again, and not to belabor the point, Statlander is a gold mine of a wrestler if you would just present her as a Lesnar-esque beast with a Heyman-esque manager. The only difference is that Statlander is a better in-ring wrestler than Lesnar was during the second half of his career. (I’m sure that will get me a lot of hate and a lot of disagreement, but I genuinely believe it to be true.) It is for that reason that I keep writing these long rants about my deeply held belief that AEW is doing her a disservice by having her cut her own promos.
That said, Statlander IS getting better on the mic, and her promo tonight was helped by her decision to use a temperate speaking voice while not flailing her hands around like she was trying to land a very large plane on a very small runway.
ORANGE CASSIDY CUTS A PROMO — HIT
Orange Cassidy is one of my favorite promos in AEW. He doesn’t yell, he doesn’t flail, he doesn’t shrink away from the microphone, he just talks, and it works. His words don’t punch you, they cut you, and a knife beats the knuckles every time.
Side Note: IMHAVSSO ( aka “in my humble and very shortsighted opinion”), Orange Cassidy should have beaten Jon Moxley at Full Gear. Moxley is one of AEW’s biggest stars, and he would lose nothing from putting over Orange Cassidy. Cassidy, on the other hand, COULD be one of AEW’s biggest stars if he could just find his “star-making” moment. With Cassidy being 40 (and cruelly keeping his skincare regimen a secret), AEW needs to hurry up and decide just how big Orange Cassidy should become because when it comes to pulling the trigger on his character’s assent, it really is a “now or never” situation.
(Side note: I hope AEW makes the Four-Way title match at World’s End an elimination-style match. It will give more credibility to whoever wins or retains.)
KRIS STATLANDER vs. PENELOPE FORD — HIT
Kris Statlander wrestled Penelope Ford (who was dressed like a Baltimore Raven in a Vegas line), and this was a good match. While a part of me wanted to see Statlander put Ford away easily, I think it is important to have as much women’s wrestling on TV as possible, so I’m okay with this match’s 9-minute length.
Side Note: I am liking this episode of Collision a lot more than the episodes of Collision I was reviewing at the end of July. Maybe it’s better writing? Maybe it’s the smaller, more appropriate, venue? After all, most Collisions are so dimly lit that they look like they’re coming to us live from outer space, and Collision’s E-Sports residency looked like it was coming to us live from a cosplay based on a video game TNA released in 2008.
However, The Hammerstein Ballroom has an atmosphere that uniquely contrasts an elegant venue with a violent product, and it puts AEW’s fans right up against the action like kids smushing their faces into the window of a candy store. Perhaps AEW should try to suss out similar venues in the future? I don’t know if it would work, but it’s worth a shot, and the ratings can’t possibly get lower. (I hope.)
MERCEDES COMES OUT WEARING CLOTHES — MEGA-HIT
Mercedes Mone’s costumes are so enjoyable! The stonework, the sequins, the sewing. She always looks like the most professional of professionals. Tonight’s ensemble was clearly inspired by the thought of Mrs. Clause falling into a vat of RuPaul, and all of it worked.
Side Note: There is no more glitter in that glitter roller. It lived a good life, it died for a good cause, and it will be missed.
MERCEDES CUTS A PROMO — MINOR-MISS
This promo was well articulated, but it would have been buoyed by more substance and reasoning. Other than for the purpose of a very good Santa pun, I have no idea why a deliciously evil villain like Moné would give Statlander a second shot at her championship right after stating that she had been planning to take the night of the PPV night off.
HARLEY CAMERON’S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS ADVERT — MEGA-HIT
Harley Cameron has a truly beautiful singing voice and an annoying speaking voice, and both are being wasted. Cameron is improving in the ring a lot faster than I thought she would, but I don’t feel like she is being paired with the right people. Have her “purchase” and manage the MxM Collection and move them from ROH to the main roster. She would be fantastic in that particular role, and it would allow her to remain on TV while she continues to perfect her in-ring technique, and when the story calls for it, it would allow her to showcase that technique by wrestling the women who get caught up in feuds with MxM.
That idea isn’t a “must do,” it’s just one of several potential universes in which Harley Cameron’s talents are not being wasted, and they shouldn’t be wasted. Harley Cameron, she’s a good singer, a good actor, has good comedic timing, and most importantly, she was born 40 minutes away from my fiancé’s house.
THE BOOM GUYS ARE BACK — MISS
I don’t even live near a Costco!
CHRIS JERICHO SAVES THE SEGMENT — HIT
Speaking of acting, I’ve never seen anyone act so legitimately hurt at being called a “jackass” in my life.
Side Note: I love everything about this new gimmick, but please stop referencing Bill De Blasio. He hasn’t been mayor since 2021, and the references sound dated. I get that De Blasio was very unpopular near the end of his tenure, but if you want to sound dated and reference a very unpopular former New York City mayor, Rudy Giuliani is literally right there (assuming he hasn’t finished melting).
ANTHONY BOWENS (SANS MAX CASTER) CUTS A PROMO — MINOR-HIT
Given their long history together, Bowens was eager to come to aid of the The Costco Guy. He talked them up by pointing out that A.J. was wearing a walking boot (I hadn’t noticed that) and that Big Justice was an eleven-year-old boy. (He is 12.) Bowens then went on to scissor A.J. and Big Justice, and they both managed to miss.
That said, if there is any solid evidence that A.J. and Big Justice are drawing ratings or selling tickets, having them in AEW isn’t the worst idea. Just make sure you keep an eye on the law of diminishing returns.
TAYA VALKYRIE & DEONNA PURRAZZO CUT A PROMO — HIT
Dressed like a Warhol painting of the Spice Girls, Taya Valkyrie and Deonna Purrazzo began to cut a promo only for it to be interrupted by…
TONI STORM! — MEGA-HIT
Rookie wrestler, Toni Storm burst onto the screen in an effort to ingratiate herself with Deonna Purrazzo and congratulate Purrazzo on existing (something we should all do more often), and Deonna Purrazzo responded by saying, “How about right here in the Hammerstein Ballroom on Dynamite: Christmas — You vs. … Taya.” (The entirely logical match I was totally expecting her to announce.)
Side Note: Toni Storm cannot stop winning. Her gimmicks are so entertaining! I cannot wait to see all the unexpected, unanticipated, jaw-droppingly surprising twists and turns her new story will entail, like when she reveals it was all a hoax to get her title back! Who could have seen that coming? OMG! (No. Seriously, I love it, though.)
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. DANIEL GARCIA —HIT
This match was fantastically wrestled, and Daniel Garcia got a meaningful win that will help boost the legitimacy of his TNT Title reign. As much as I enjoy watching Shelton Benjamin “go” in the ring, this ending made sense to me given that Benjamin is almost 50. (Apparently, he is using the same skin care regimen as Orange Cassidy.)
POST-MATCH BEAT DOWN OF DANIEL GARCIA — MISS
For a group called The Hurt Syndicate, they do a lot less “hurting” than their name advertises. Shelton Benjamin should have gotten in at least one good cane shot before Mark Briscoe (?) interrupted him. (I had to google to see if Daniel Garcia was a member of Briscoe’s very exclusive, very catch-all stable “The Conglomeration.” He is not… yet.)
However, the same security team that couldn’t be bothered when Jon Moxley tried to murder Bryan Danielson, when Chris Jericho tried to burn off people’s faces, or when the antagonist from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” tried to use an actual chainsaw to eviscerate AEW’s wrestlers, were very much bothered by the site of a Babyface interrupting a Heel’s beatdown. This unspeakable horror caused at least half a dozen men to run to the ring and get in between Briscoe and Benjamin. Again, and to be clear, they did not get in between the cane and Garcia, they got in between Briscoe and an attempt to rescue an innocent person from felonious harm.
SWERVE STRICKLAND GETS INVOLVED BECAUSE WHY NOT! — HIT
It looks like we’re going to get Swerve Strickland vs. Bobby Lashley at World’s End. I just hope that both Tony Khan and the agents who help Strickland and Lashley lay out this match remember that Strickland is 34 and Lashley is damn near 50.
Lashley is not the future. He is certainly the present, and there is no time like the present, but he is not the future of AEW — Strickland is.
MARK BRISCOE vs. THE BEAST MORTIS — MISS
In this match, Mark Briscoe wrestled the Rock’s Brahma Bull tattoo, and it wasn’t a bad match, but…
I’m sorry; I just cannot get into either of these characters. It’s not even because of their wrestling. They wrestle like stars, which is great, but their gimmicks feel like mid-card acts from 1994, and that was a bad year. It was a bad year for plane crashes; it was a bad year for the World Series; it was a bad year for fashion in general, and it was an especially a bad year for wrestling gimmicks.
JULIA HART CUTS A PRE-TAPED PROMO — MINOR-HIT
Julia Hart has been improving by leaps and bounds since she first arrived in AEW, and this was a good promo, but the sound mixing of her voice made her seem small, frail, and demure. Luckily, Hart’s body language was good enough to save this, and she ended the promo with a striking and memorable pose.
MARIAH MAY FINDS MORE WAYS TO SHOW OFF HER CLEAVAGE — HIT
Every time I see Mariah May I think about a blonde version of the beautiful woman Ursula turned herself into so she could steal Eric’s heart, and how she would be ashamed to associate herself with someone as evil as Mariah May.
May wore her exceptional promo skills on her sleeve (Just kidding; she didn’t have any sleeves.) and threatened to “Dawn-Marie” Thunder Rosa’s father, and Thunder Rosa was furious at such a prospect. (BTW, TIL that Thunder Rosa’s first name really is Thunder because that is how Ian Riccaboni referred to her on the mic…)
Rosa responded to May’s wicked (to go see the Golden Globe-nominated film, “Wicked,” click HERE.) taunting by bursting forth from concealment and attacking her. The fight made good use of the small space they were in and spilled out into The Hammerstein Ballroom itself. Finally, just as Rosa was about to gain a clear upper hand, AEW’s security stopped staring at MVP’s horrifying cane long enough to run out and prevent a good thing from happening.
Side Note: Is there any chance Britt Baker’s first name is actually Doctor?
DEATH RIDERS VIDEO — HIT
Up next, a Dodge Ram car commercial aired, and Jon Moxley was featured in some of it.
DARBY ALLIN vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI — HIT
And finally, the reason we are all here (I assume): Darby Allin vs. Claudio Castagnoli. During this match, Castagnoli and Darby worked together to double-team Darby, and as a result, Darby got the absolute crap beat out of him before, after, and during his performance.
The match itself was fantastic and the story it told was breathtaking. I wish Darby had pinned Castagnoli, but the William-Regal-esque brass knucks Castagnoli used at the end of this match, made me despise Castagnoli’s character even more than I did before the match started. Everyone here played their part well, and both men delivered.
That said. I want to speak to Darby Allin directly. While I have NO delusions that Darby Allin would ever want my advice or even read one of my columns, I still want to speak from the heart in hopes that someone who cares about him might read this and tell him something similar.
Dear Mr. Allin,
You don’t have to do this to get us to like you. We already like you. We really do.
Do you remember that three-month-long tour I talked about at the start of my column? I carried a Darby Allin bag with me everywhere I went. I even carried it onto planes as my one personal item. Heck, I used it so much that one of the strings broke and my fiancé fixed it for me because he knew how devastated I would be. Your fans, and I am definitely one of them, genuinely like you for the person you present yourself to be and not for how much pain you can take.
You remind me of Mick Foley, and that is high praise. Mick Foley was and is my favorite wrestler of all time. I rooted for Foley because he was an incredible actor, an amazing promo, and the first author whose book moved me to tears. In the same way that I did not root for Mick Foley because he jumped off of a cage, your fans do not root for you because you apparently want to become an update on rotten/./com. We like you because you are a good promo, a great actor, and an extraordinarily entertaining wrestler who connects with people on a profound and emotional level.
Personally, I root for you because you went to film school, and I went to film school, too. I root for you because you’re a teetotaler, and I am a teetotaler, too, and I root for you because you’ve spoken out about issues I care about like depression, anxiety, and mental pain. I like you because you’re likable.
Of course, none of us are in your head, and you could have a very good reason for performing the style of wrestling you perform. If you’re doing these stunts because of deeper reasons, then carry on, but please know that you don’t have to do these stunts because of us, your fans. Your fans don’t want you to end up like Mick Foley, who retired at 34 and lives his life in pain.
During an Oct. 28, 2022 episode of “Foley Is Pod,” Mick Foley said, “I’m looking at all these things I did during the course of my career and I mean, I’m paying a steeper price than I thought imaginable.” Most of your fans don’t want you to feel that way in 20 years, and if they do, they’re not fans of yours; they’re fans of something entirely different.
In conclusion, I say this as someone who has done trapeze, gymnastics, fire stunts, competitive figure skating, and participated in a number of other circus arts:
Please be kind to your body because your brain will miss it when it is gone.
— David.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
This episode of AEW Collision was an improvement over what they were putting out in July, but AEW needs to do something monumental to quell the bleeding of fans they’ve continuously experienced over the past two years.
Yes, AEW has received an incredible rights contract that will set them up for several years to come, but I know Tony Khan doesn’t do this for the money. Khan does this because he likes to entertain wrestling fans. Right now, Khan still has plenty of wrestling fans to entertain, but the thing about bleeding is this: If you don’t stop it, you’ll inevitably bleed out, and you can’t entertain fans who aren’t there.
SHOW GRADE: A-
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: Will Ospreay vs. Ricochet
- Second Best Match: Darby vs. Claudio
- Third Best Match: Kris Statlander vs. Penelope Ford
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, donating to a blood bank run by a vampire would be a charitable donation and would save lives. Do the right thing.
(David Bryant’s bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David Bryant’s Bluesky account does not yet exist because he has been very busy. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first “firework umbrella” that helps you keep those suckers dry when you hunch over them to set them off in the rain. It is a very safe product because it is made entirely of wood to prevent lightning strikes. Less impressively, David studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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