WWE OVERS & UNDERS: Gunther goes full Schwartzenegger, Julius Creed’s choking hazard, C.M. Punk’s hair, LA Knight’s poor timing, more

Well folks, we are a mere 1 week from the mid-summer showcase of the immortals, so we might as well dissect nuanced details that have no impact on anything, no relevance to any story, and dare I say, no point in reading. With that in mind, if you’re still with me, let’s dig in.

OVERRATED ON RAW – SHIRTS

At the start of Monday Night Raw we often see our favorite superstars entering the arena. We get to see our heroes dressed as normal people and say “Hey! Aside from wearing sunglasses indoors, they ARE just like us.” Unless of course you are witnessing the arena entrances of Ilja Dragunov or Bron (I can’t spell) Breakker. Ilja is dressed to the nines. He’s on his way to a WWE prom, a James Bond audition, or a best pocket square competition. On the flip side, Bron has no shirt. That’s right, we must now accept that Bron travels shirtless. “No shirts, no shoes, no service” signs be damned. He’s here to breakk the rules and be a rebbel beyond just misspelling wordds. At least TSA must be a breeze to get through. Although the Tourettes-like rabid barking might be a red flag that warrants a pat down, or a doggie treat. Hey, it tastes like chicken!

UNDER-APPRECIATED ON RAW – GUNTHER GOES FULL SCHWARZENEGGER

Did anyone else notice, during round 2 of Damian Priest versus Gunther, that Gunther went full Schwarzenegger? Go back and watch it. He starts screaming the Ahnuld-famous line “Comeon. Come on!!!” with all of its rich Austrian glory. Let me start by saying that Gunther doesn’t need a gimmick. He’s better than that. He’s above such things. That said, if he did decide to go even more Schwarzenegger, I’d be here for it. But he needs to commit to using such classic lines as “Who is your daddy and what does he do,” “It’s not a toomah,” and “You hit like a vegetarian.” God I love that bulletproof, meat castle of a man and his inexplicable, life-risking pauses to deliver one-liners. I tuned in tonight and saw a glimpse of my hero in Gunther, errr, heard an, uh, echo of my hero. Anyway, let me trudge through the rest of my lead up to deliver my joke. If he continues this…I’ll be back. See what I did there?! Oh how quoting testosterone-fueled 80s movies brings me joy.

OVERRATED ON RAW – JULIUS CREED’S CHOKING HAZARD

Everyone in WWE chews, or at least pretends to chew gum. Save for one near death experience by L.A. Knight mid promo, it’s a relatively safe pastime. That said, Julius Creed was chewing the biggest wad of gum I’ve ever seen tonight. I’m not even convinced it was gum, so much as a Fruit By The Foot, which he confused with gum, and proceeded to attempt to chew it down. I feel like even the Wyatt Sicks, had they noticed, ya know, if they hadn’t bribed the lighting guy to make it dark again, would have said “Dude, you’re gonna choke. Spit that out.”

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OVERRATED ON RAW – FLUFFY PHIL

What in the holy hell is going on with C.M. Punk’s hair tonight? Is that a wig? Did he just get a blow out? Is he headed to audition for a period piece after Raw?! I’m so utterly distracted by his medieval cosplaying, that I have no idea what he said or did. I’m blinded by it. I’m mesmerized by it, but not in a good way. It’s more like the way you can’t look away from roadkill. It’s hideous, but your eyes refuse to listen to your brain and look away. If the Wyatt Sicks ever want to get really scary, all they need is a VHS camera and 5 minutes with Phil and his fluffy new look. This isn’t a fashion competition, Punk, but I’m still going to need you to do better. You can be the voice of the voiceless, but can you also spare my eyes from whatever this infection is? If you do it again I’m going to have to start calling you “Fluffy Phil.” Why? Because it’s dumb, superficial and completely justified.

OVERRATED ON SMACKDOWN – KNIGHT’S POOR TIMING

Did anyone else notice during L.A. Knight’s entrance before the entrance, he said “Now play my music” after his music had already started? It’s raining outside right now, and I’d like to let everyone know that I’m predicting it’s GOING to rain. See how that works, Knight? If they hit it too early, react to it, play it off, course correct, but if you stick to the script despite curveballs it disconnects me from the realism. By the way, I’m also predicting that the rain will cause the ground to become wet.

OVERRATED ON SMACKDOWN – THE BLOODLINE GETS YOUNGEST CHILD TREATMENT

Okay so last week The Bloodline assaulted Cody Rhodes, put him through a table, outside the confines of a match, and they damn near decapitated Kevin Owens, and the first thing out of Nick Aldis’s mouth is that Tanga Loa sustained an eye injury? Where are the ramifications? Where are the consequences?! I feel like The Bloodline is getting the youngest child treatment, never facing punishment, and quite literally (almost) getting away with murder. As for their other crimes? Apparently Tanga Loa is now into piracy, and Solo Sikoa started an after-hours vigilante detective agency (nice jacket). Also, Mr. Aldis, do we really need to use the full names of Tama Tonga and Jacob Fatu when we’re in an intimate setting? Is there another Jacob around that could get confused? Another Tama within 8,000 miles?? No. No there is not. First names will do just fine here, Nick.

UNDER-APPRECIATED ON SMACKDOWN – CORBIN GETS A MOUTHFUL

If you go back and rewatch the very beginning of the tag team gauntlet match, you can see one of the most hilariously obvious examples of calling it in the ring since John Cena. Angel Garza runs Baron Corbin into the corner, then stays there, Corbin’s face perfectly positioned for a stink face. Now that doesn’t happen of course, but what does is Corbin trying to call it in the ring with a mouthful of outer thigh, which makes for a hilariously absurd moment. On a side note, later in this match, I was so impressed with the final offense from Jacob Fatu against Montez Ford. The announcers always sell how Ford defies gravity and physics, well, Fatu doesn’t just defy them, he straight up breaks and rewrites those laws. He’s just an anomaly of physicality and I think the sky’s the limit for him. He’s intense, hard-hitting and amazingly fast and agile. He’s just like Tanga Loa, except, you know, opposite in every way.

I’ll see you Monday on Syfy! Remember that channel?

RECOMMENDED NEXT: WWE SMACKDOWN RESULTS (7/26) : McDonald’s “alt perspective” report on Tag Team Gauntlet Match, Knight vs. Escobar, Bayley/Michin vs. Jax/Stratton

OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: Powell’s WWE Raw Hit List: CM Punk and Drew McIntyre, Finn Balor and JD McDonagh vs. Sami Zayn and Jey Uso in a non-title match, Bron Breakker vs. Ilja Dragunov for a shot at the Intercontinental Title