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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JUNE 29, 2024
BUFFALO, N.Y.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column — the best place to find the worst takes!
Given that I suffered multiple power outages while trying to write this Godforsaken column, I’m going to skip the rest of my opening paragraph and jump straight into making immature comments about the show.
ORANGE CASSIDY & TOMOHIRO ISHII VS. TMDK’S SHANE HASTE & ROBBIE EAGLES — MINOR-HIT
Orange Cassidy came out first, followed by Tomohiro Ishii. Shane Haste & Robbie Eagles came out together, and Shane Haste wore his IWGP Tag Team Championship Belt around his waist, his Strong Openweight Tag Team Championship belt around his neck, and neither belts were ever fully explained.
The match itself was fast-paced, and Eagles and Cassidy had great in-ring chemistry together. However, I have no idea if they have great out-of-ring chemistry together because this match felt like an exhibition match that was put on for no reason other than someone in the back thought it would be a good match (and to be fair, it was.)
“HANGMAN” ADAM PAGE VIGNETTE — HIT
A trailer for a horror movie about Johnny Cash’s insecure ghost aired, and I’m just now remembering that “Hangman” Adam Page is still under contract.
Side Note: Has anyone heard from Miro lately?
CHRIS “THE LEARNING TREE” JERICHO CONTINUES TO MEGA-HIT IT OUT OF THE BALLPARK — MEGA-HIT
Hey guys!
As the only living member of the human race who enjoys this gimmick, I believe it is incumbent upon me to share my favorite piece of Jericho-rrific wisdom I learned by not going to the bathroom during this segment:
“Every time you go into the trainer’s room, grab a roll of tape and put it in your bag. That way, you don’t have to pay for it later.” ~ Abraham “The Learning Tree” Lincoln
STEPHANIE VAQUER VS. LADY FROST — HIT
Vaquer came out first wearing her signature cosplay horns, and Lady Frost came out wearing a Siegfried & Roy-inspired outfit designed by Tilda Swinton. Once both women were in the ring, Mercedes Mone came out looking like a more expensive version of Rose McGowan at the 1998 VMAs.
I’m actually excited for this match because I am excited to see Stephanie Vaquer wrestle in an AEW ring, but part of me wishes her first match could have been saved for the actual PPV. That said, I can understand why Tony Khan chose to have this match. He is in a sort of “lose-lose situation” here — booking this match means giving away Stephanie Vaquer’s first bit of in-ring action in AEW for free, but not booking this match means she has to wrestle for an AEW crowd who is even less familiar with her body of work.
The match itself was enjoyable, and I look forward to seeing Vaquer’s more fulsome performance tomorrow night. Also, Lady Frost is growing on me, even if her character feels like an undefined parody of what people outside of wrestling think wrestling characters are supposed to be. (That problem could be easily remedied by giving Frost more time to better explain her character to AEW’s viewers.)
MERCEDES MONE AND THE GREAT BEAT DOWN — HIT
While I would have preferred a promo in place of this beatdown, I am happy to see AEW add a little more fuel to this feud’s fire before it culminates at Forbidden Door.
A LUCHAS BROS. PROMO GETS INTERRUPTED — MINOR-HIT
There was nothing wrong with this segment (aside from Takahashi’s acting,) but it felt “flat” and not at all like a promo that was airing the night before a major PPV.
SERENA DEEB VS. KELLY MADAN — HIT
Serena Deeb came out wearing a bathrobe she borrowed from Ric Flair who borrowed it from a bird, and somehow, this was a good look for her. As for the match itself — it ended in about the same amount of time it took me to type this paragraph, so there’s not much to say about it other than it accomplished its goal of making Deeb look both strong and powerful.
DEEB CUTS A POST-MATCH PROMO — HIT
Deeb acknowledged her recent loss to Toni Storm, and then she said, “I refuse to be put into wrestling purgatory.” (I’m guessing she doesn’t get along with Miro? Adam Page? Wardlow? Is Evil Uno still alive?) She then immediately followed that up by saying, “Because this is AEW!!!” (The War and Peace of purgatory.) “And this is where the best wrestle!!!” (Sometimes more than once!) “So come on, AEW — give me some competition that is on the Professor’s level!”
Despite how excited I was to cover Abadon’s return, Riho came out instead.
(No complaints, though.)
Side Note: Did you know AEW has 37 women on its roster page?
CHRIS JERICHO MAKES A SECOND APPEARANCE — MEGA HIT
Hey guys!
Multiple people have expressed utter disbelief that I can enjoy these Chris “The Learning Tree” Jericho segments as much as I claim to enjoy them, and I have been asked to explain my reasoning. Because my reasoning is both sound and good, I have decided to sum it up in a single sentence: Chris Jericho is, unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt — and I have no reservations about saying this — a wrestler who is 100 percent of everything that I have said about him in this sentence.
“THE LEARNING MOUNTAIN” ATTACKS “THE LEARNING TREE” — MEGA-HIT
Hey guys!
Chris “The Learning Tree” Jericho explained to the audience that the Zamboni machine was invented by Frank Zamboni in 1949, but he neglected to mention that it was also based on a prototype Mr. Zamboni had previously abandoned in 1947 and that his 1949 remake was not patented until 1953. Even after he patented the Zamboni Machine, Frank Zamboni continued to make changes to the machine’s design for over a decade. When you think about it, a lot of work and time went into creating that Steven Austin segment for which I assume the machine was invented.
Anyway, during this segment, Chris Jericho opened what looked like a janitor’s closet, and Hook came out of the closet during Pride month.
Side Note: Hook also ripped off his shirt during the ensuing brawl, and I’m assuming this was also for Pride month, and I appreciate his benevolence.
AN ORANGE CASSIDY PROMO GETS INTERRUPTED — HIT
Orange Cassidy cut a promo, and to the shock of everyone who tuned into professional wrestling for the first time tonight, he was interrupted.
Side Note: Did you know that Orange Cassidy is only three years younger than John Cena?
HECHICERO VS. KEVIN BLACKWOOD — MINOR-HIT
Looking like he was dressed for both a rave and a dungeon, Hechicero came out first, and to the shock of everyone who tuned into professional wrestling for the first time tonight, he obliterated the man who was already waiting for him in the ring.
CHRISTIAN CAGE WINS THE WORLD BY EXISTING (WHILE BEING INTERRUPTED) — HIT
With the proud glow of a man who’d just helped a kitten get stuck in a tree, Christian Cage was killing it on the microphone (the promo, not the kitten. He killed the kitten earlier when he accidentally tied it to a train track.), but then, out of nowhere, Jay White interrupted the promo because professional wrestlers are contractually obligated to barge in on anyone who is caught talking in public.
Side Note: Jay White is incredible on the microphone.
Second Side Note: Twinky McFacePubes is incredible at being hateable, even when he isn’t talking, and that’s saying something because I actually liked the little Harry Potter-looking reject before I found out he was the human equivalent of a White Claw made out of the carbonated tears of someone who recently ate a grapefruit.
DANIEL GARCIA VS. THE BUTCHER – MINOR-HIT
There wasn’t anything wrong with this match, but like most of the matches on this show, it felt superfluous.
A WILL OSPREAY PROMO GETS INTERRUPTED BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DID — MINOR-HIT
Will Ospreay got out about three sentences before he was interrupted by the A-list manager (and D-list comic book villain) Don Callis. However, in a second Shyamalanian plot twist, Don Callis was interrupted by the A-list hairdresser (and D-List comic book hero) Rush.
A JACK PERRY PROMO GETS INTERRUPTED — HIT
Jack Perry, a Tom Holland-quality twink who was recently bitten by a radioactive homeless man, started to cut a promo, but, via the insurmountable rules of professional wrestling, Perry was interrupted by Christopher Daniels. Daniels threw around his as-of-yet undefined authority and threatened to take Perry off tomorrow night’s PPV if Perry didn’t perform for him later.
DEONNA PURRAZZO VS. HIKARU SHIDA — HIT
This was a good (but not mind-blowingly good) match. However, it ultimately suffered from the same problem that many of AEW’s matches suffer from — a failure to adequately advocate the magnitude of the stakes that are involved.
JEFF JARRETT AIRS A PROMO HE PRETAPED SO IT COULDN’T GET INTERRUPTED — MEGA-HIT
Once again, Jeff Jarrett was one of the best things on this entire show. (Don’t worry; I felt just as dirty typing that sentence as you felt reading it.) I hope we get to see a lot more of this “serious” side of Jeff Jarrett going forward, and (God, I can’t believe I’m about to type this), I really, really hope Jeff Jarrett wins his match on Dynamite.
TONI STORM CUTS A PROMO THAT WAS NOT INTERRUPTED! — HOLY SHIT
Promos like this remind me of why I love professional wrestling.
Toni Storm has taken on one of the most one-dimensional, off-the-beaten-path characters a wrestler could possibly choose to portray, and she has made that character one of the most compelling, intricate, and empathetic individuals in all of professional wrestling today. I am truly starting to believe that if Storm had been born in some far-off yesteryear, she would have been a star so undeniable that even Cecil B. DeMille would have bowed to kiss her glass-covered feet.
LIO RUSH & MARK BRISCOE & DANTE MARTIN VS. JACK PERRY & TAKESHITA & PHANTASMO — HIT
This was an action-packed match that culminated in a daredevilish ladder-based stunt that served to hype the TNT ladder match tomorrow night. I don’t normally enjoy cluster-matches, but this one worked because of the talent involved, because it served a valuable purpose, and because it may have secured a few extra buys for this weekend’s PPV.
SWERVE STRICKLAND AND WILL OSPREAY ARE ASKED TO DISCLOSE THEIR WEIGHT IN PUBLIC — HIT
Well, I now know the exact size and shape of Will Ospreay’s penis.
On a more serious note, this was a clever way to end the show with a stare-down between two talented men who would, in just 24 hours’ time, put on an insanely entertaining main event at Forbidden Door. AEW loves to end its go-home shows with high-profile stare-downs, but this time, they made an effort to have a damn good reason for it to happen. I give everyone involved in this segment an “A for effort.”
FINAL THOUGHTS
This was a better-than-average episode of AEW Collision, but it wasn’t the “homerun” I would expect from a company that is about to put on one of their biggest PPV events of the year and ask their fans to pay $50 for it.
Much like this show, this year’s Forbidden Door has felt like an event that was more about the matches taking place than the storylines that led up to them; however, both things are required to put on a great show. Imagine if the creators of a blockbuster action film only did half of their jobs but still wanted you to pay the full price for a ticket? Would you really want to pay $15 to watch Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans do a table read? (I mean, sure, Chris Evans is nice to look at, but he’s not that nice to look at.) (Hook, on the other hand…)
Anyway, I’m not saying Forbidden Door isn’t going to be a great show. In fact, thanks to a multitude of power outages, I am writing these “final thoughts” after Forbidden Door has already taken place, and it was indeed a very good show. All I’m saying is that just because something is good doesn’t mean it is as good as it can get. I can only imagine how tremendous Forbidden Door would have been if it had been brimming with storylines, and as good as my imagination is, the real thing would have been better.
SHOW GRADE: B
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: Stephanie Vaquer vs. Lady Frost
- Second Best Match: Jack Perry & Takeshita & Phantasmo vs. Marc Briscoe & Dante Martin & Lio Rush
- Third Best Match: Daniel Garcia vs. The Butcher
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, while outrage makes winning an argument easier, it also makes succeeding in an argument harder.
(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first reverse Zamboni machine. The “Inobmaz” is a machine that worsens the ice’s surface because Hockey players enjoy watching figure skaters ruin our blades on practice ice. Less impressively, David studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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