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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JUNE 22, 2024
ALLENTOWN, PA.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone & Nigel McGuiness
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column — the best place to find the worst takes! Tonight’s episode of AEW Collision needs to deliver with the surgical precision of a ballet at the Palais Garnier, and not because it involves ballet dancers or surgery, but because we are one week away from Forbidden Door, the most deceptively-named PPV event since Taboo Tuesday, Barely Legal, Hardcore Heaven, Uncensored, and two years of weekly PPVs by a company named TNA.
Speaking of Forbidden Door (which I assume was named for Pride Month), I have seen a distinct lack of new Pride t-shirts being advertised this year. As a gay wrestling fan and proud owner of a fast-fading “JungleHook” Pride t-shirt, I was hoping for a Christian Cage “Who’s Your Daddy?” t-shirt, but maybe next year.
SAMOA JOE & SHIBATA & HOOK VS. THE PREMIER ATHLETES — HIT
Samoa “The Learning Mountain” Joe, Hook, and Shibata (the funniest man to ever frown with both his face and his belly button at the same time) came out first, followed by the Premier Athletes, who looked like they were about two episodes away from being canceled by a chokehold.
This match was fun to watch, and everyone in it played their roles well except for that one spot where Nese got dumped on his head by Hook, and the announce team had to pretend he didn’t almost die because that would make him sympathetic.
Joe and Hook are a joy to watch each week, and the Premier Athletes’ humor-laced shtick contrasts well with Joe and Hook’s barbed wire-laced sticks. As a result, I’m putting this match in the “Hit” column of tonight’s column despite Nese’s near-death experience.
Side Note: Tony Nese’s arm is so colossal that it bulges out like a mountain even when it is being stretched out as straight as an arrow in Shibata’s armbar!
JUICE ROBINSON & THE GUNN CLUB CUT A PROMO — MINOR-HIT
Juice Robinson’s facial Tourette tics made it look like his muscles were trying to escape his skin, but other than that, his delivery was as good as the United States Postal Service, and I’ll let our readers decide whether or not that is a compliment.
CHRIS “THE LEARNING TREE” JERICHO & COMPANY VS. PRIVATE PARTY — MEGA-HIT
For the first time in a while, Chris Jericho is one of my many reasons to tune into AEW each week. Jericho, Christian, and Tony Storm are some of the most enjoyably outlandish characters mainstream wrestling has spawned since the 1990s, and I hope they continue schmucking it up every single week until Chris Jericho announces he’s replacing Le Champione’s Champagne with a new brand called Beer Gut, and Christian announces they’re both co-authoring the non-awaited sequel to Bill Cosby’s Fatherhood but creepier.
Side Note: TBH, I feel so alone in loving this gimmick right now. Every time I open the door to the soul-sucking black hole that is the internet, it seems like everyone else — from published analysts to random tweeters — absolutely hates Chris Jericho’s “Learning Tree” gimmick, and I feel like I’m going insane. How can anyone hate something this cringe? This is quality cringe! You could not buy better cringe at a Comic Con booth that sells racy pictures of comic book characters to full-grown adults.
Second Side Note: While I don’t normally like “non-finishes,” I liked the ending to this match, and I would enjoy a wrestling world where Chris Jericho’s teammates keep cheating for him, but he thinks he is winning each of his matches legitimately and brags about it.
Third Side Note: Big “The Redwood Tree” Bill’s trunks had the perfect slogan for this year’s Pride t-shirt if anyone in the t-shirt department is reading this.
Fourth Side Note: Can we just call him Redwood now and pretend the whole “Big Bill” thing never happened?
Fifth Side Note: I realize I have a side-notes problem. I’m working on it.
TEAM LEARNING TREE VS. TEAM LEARNING MOUNTAIN — HIT
After Chris Jericho’s match, Hook and Samoa Joe wave back to him with their fists.
SAMOA JOE CUTS A PROMO — HIT
The greatest gift Samoa Joe could ever give Hook is gab.
OKADA VS. ULTIMO GUERRERO — MINOR-HIT
Ultimo Guerrero (no relation to the renowned fashion icon Vickie Guerrero) is one heck of an ultimate warrior (no relation to the renowned homophobe.), but his talents weren’t enough to defeat the renowned (no parentheticals needed) Okada.
While I genuinely thought this match was more than decent, it wasn’t as good as Team Jericho vs. Team P.P. I am still surprised by how fun that match was. I’m not sure it was fun for all of the right reasons, but it was definitely entertaining. I’m also surprised by how middle-of-the-road Guerrero vs. Okada was. It wasn’t a bad match by any means, but here’s a thought exercise: When you first heard AEW signed Okada, is this what you had in mind?
DANTE MARTIN CUTS A SURPRISINGLY NOT-AWFUL PROMO — HIT
On a night that saw a plethora of promos that were better than they had any right to be, this one was one of the most surprising. (I’ll get to Jeff Jarrett later.) For most of his career, Dante Martin has confused cutting promos with butchering them, but tonight, he shut up his critics except for me because, rather than butchering the English language, I tend to slowly drag it out behind a car over long-winded stretches of mind-numbing road. (Seriously, the columns you are currently reading are the heavily abridged versions of my columns. If you don’t believe me, go back and read my old Dark Elevation columns where I managed to turn 40-minute YouTube shows into twenty-five-page filibusters.)
Side Note: Whoever is convincing Dante Martin he needs to look heavier to look manly should be prosecuted for crimes.
LIO RUSH JOINS DANTE MARTIN’S NOT-AWFUL PROMO — HIT
On a night that saw a plethora of promos that were better than they had any right to be, this one was unsurprising because Lio Rush does words goods, and by good, I mean “masterfully.”
A CHRISTIAN CAGE-ORIENTED RECAP VIDEO — MEGA-HIT
I talked about this a few columns back, but whoever is doing AEW’s recent video packages deserves everything their heart could possibly desire, including a personal coffee machine in their office and not Tony Khan’s.
IRON SAVAGES SCREAM A PROMO AT ME — MINOR-MISS
From the people who brought us unwanted promos about “eating ass” comes an all-new promo about Timothee Chalamet and “titty city.”
THE PATRIARCHY VS. THE IRON SAVAGES — HIT
The Iron Savages may not be the best babyfaces in the business, but The Patriarchy are the best foils since aluminum, and together, these two teams turned what could have been a dreadful match into a wonderful spectacle.
This match started with the greatest ramp walker of all time (Christian Cage), featured The Iron Savages drinking what looked like tobacco juice out of what I’m assuming was Tommy Dreamer’s sippy cup, and ended with Christian Cage getting a rightful pinfall he fought hard to obtain.
Side Note: Nick Wayne was fantastic here. I cannot overstate how good he is at pretending to be a smarmy dick, and I’d love to see him featured more often. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind it if he changed his name to Twinky McFace-Pubes, started wrestling in a sweater vest, greased his hair back with “Mean Street” branded pomade, and handed random girls in the audience his phone number. At this point, and as far as I’m concerned, Nick Wayne can do whatever he wants as long as he remains this naturally hatable forever.
Side Note: Is seeing “Yard Sale” Chalamet getting motorboated by a bear supposed to replace our t-shirt this year? If so, I want a refund.
TONI STORM & MARIAH MAY VS. LEYLA HIRSCH & LADY FROST — MEGA-HIT
Between Dynamite’s Nyla Rose sighting and Leyla Hirsch showing up tonight, I’m half expecting a Pride t-shirt that says, “Happy Pride Month! Here’s All Of Our Many Queer Wrestlers Losing.”
That said, Hirsch lost well, and this match’s story added another chapter to the gripping saga that is the Toni/Mariah/Mina love triangle. I “popped” big-time in my living room at the sight of Toni Storm sacrificing herself for Mariah May, and I am pretty sure my fiancé is now ashamed of me because of it, but God, I love women’s wrestling! I especially love good women’s wrestling, and it is so nice to see AEW’s Women’s Division finally getting some of that magic WWE’s Women’s Division has had for years now.
Side Note: Props to Luther for his excellent contributions to this match’s post-match imagery. It was almost enough to make me forgive him for how abusively he once treated poor, sweet Serpentico. (Almost.)
SERENA DEEB CUTS A PROMO — HIT
This was another surprisingly good promo (and just you wait until we get to Jeff Jarrett’s because that one is going to be a doozy), but it shouldn’t be THAT surprising that it was good.
Serena Deeb “gets” the art of the promo and despite constantly losing, she is almost always able to convince me that she is on the cusp of winning big time “this time.” Deeb’s promos are like the “Charlie Brown football gag” of promos, except the role of Lucy is being played by Tony Khan.
Side Note: Before moving on to the next segment, I wanted to drop one of my favorite lines from this promo: “Baby, I’m on the up! And from here, I’m going to remind everybody, and I’m going to remind myself just who the hell I am. I am the professor of professional wrestling.” (Soooo good. She is so good at this stuff.)
BLACK & KING VS. ALREADY IN THE RING – IN-THE-MIDDLE
In this match, Malakia Black and Brody King absolutely destroyed their opponents, who were named LSG, MSG, and their invisible tag team partner SOL.
HOUSE OF BLACK ANSWERS A HUMAN QUESTION — HIT
The two things I liked most about this promo were hearing Malakia Black describe Ian Riccaboni’s pleasant face as punchable and hearing Brody King respond to a “human question” with a haiku.
HE… “THE SABINO TREE” …CHICERO VS. DADDY MAGIC — HIT
This was a solid match featuring solid wrestling and Daddy Magic wearing skims while serving plumber’s crack (for Pride Month? No?) Seriously, though. I love Daddy Magic, but please never wear low-rise jeans in public again.
JEFF JARRETT CUTS ONE OF THE BEST PROMOS OF HIS CAREER – MEGA-HIT
You’re not going to believe this, but a Jeff Jarrett promo was one of this show’s biggest and brightest highlights, and I’m not saying that ironically.
There are not that many active wrestlers who can talk with authority about what it was like to work with Owen Hart, but Jeff Jarrett is definitely one of them. This promo felt real, visceral, and like I was watching someone read excerpts from their diary. If we got more of this Jeff Jarrett, he would need less (or none) of his hit-or-miss comedic shenanigans to get over. People would love him all of the time, and it would be deserved.
Moments like this remind me that Jarrett has a cornucopia of talent at his disposal, and nobody undercuts that talent as much as him.
Side Note: Because of this promo, I hope to see a different side of Jeff Jarrett in the Owen Hart Tournament. I hope to see someone who is determined, serious, capable, and uses far fewer hijinks.
WILL OSPREAY VS. BRIAN CAGE — MEGA-HIT
This was outstanding, and this is the reason Brian Cage should win more meaningful matches. If Cage had won more meaningful matches in the past, I could have better suspended my disbelief during this match’s tantalizing near falls. Both wrestlers worked hard to make this match feel like it mattered inside of the ring, but one of AEW’s writers’ biggest flaws is failing to make matches feel like they matter OUTSIDE of the ring, too.
That said… OMG, this was good! This match’s “This is awesome” chant was well deserved, and this was very likely the best match Brian Cage has ever wrestled inside an AEW ring. While that sentence might imply that Will Ospreay carried Cage to a great match, that would be an inaccurate description of what happened. Cage proved he did not need to be carried here or anywhere. All he needed was the time and the chance to show AEW’s audience what he is capable of.
From the moment Cage came out dressed in a cape that looked like what would happen if the Tiger King was in the MCU to the moment Ospreay ripped off an elbow pad made of the exact same style of holographic lame as Cage’s costume (which was in no way distracting to anyone but me), this match never lagged, snagged, or met a single bump in the road. We got a top-rope-spring-board-powerslam, a defiant Cage screaming, “Who’s better than The Machine!” (The AI version of Kanyon’s old slogan?), and an endless supply of cardio from both Ospreay and Cage as they jumped between strong-man wrestling, chain wrestling, and high-flying wrestling.
Having watched every AEW show this week, this match was by far the best match on any of them, and I am lucky to have covered it. If you haven’t seen it already, I highly recommend you check out this match.
FINAL THOUGHTS
AEW’s undeniable strength is its in-ring action, and its undeniable weakness is its storytelling. While in-ring wrestling matters and makes for compelling television, good storytelling is what makes for a great show. Wrestling without storytelling is like going to a ballet studio and watching ballet dancers slowly destroy their bodies while executing beautifully performed dance moves to zero music. Despite how often J.R. used to tell us, “Wrestling ain’t ballet,” wrestling is actually a lot like ballet. Both sports are dangerous, challenging, require incredible athletic ability, incredible disregard for fear, and memorable stories to make them meaningful.
A wrestling match with no story behind it is no better than a ballet with no music. That doesn’t mean the matches can’t impress and wow their audiences! Seriously, go watch Will Ospreay vs. Brian Cage! You won’t care about that match before it starts, but you won’t be able to stop yourself from caring about it by the time it ends. However, once it ends, you’ll eventually forget about it because there was nothing leading up to it, and there will be nothing that follows it.
Think about that. Will Ospreay vs. Brian Cage put on a match few wrestlers would ever be capable of performing, and in three months’ time, we will barely remember it. Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan and Andre The Giant wrestled a dreadful match at WrestleMania III, but it made for a glorious memory that will never be forgotten because that match was performed to music.
SHOW GRADE: A-
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Match of the Night: Will Ospreay vs. Brian Cage
- Second Best Match: Chris Jericho & Redwood vs. Private Party
- Third Best Match: Tony Storm & Mariah May vs. Leyla Hirsch & Lady Frost
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, the t-shirt should be rainbow-colored, it should say, “Who’s Your Daddy,” and Christian Cage’s face should be a part of it!
(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first Pied Piper to come in blueberry, strawberry, and boysenberry. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
NOW CHECK OUT THE “AEW CONVERSATION CLUB” PODCAST ON THE PWTORCH DAILYCAST LINE-UP. (Click player below or search “pwtorch” in Apple Podasts, Spotify, or any other iOS or Android podcast app.)
RECOMMENDED NEXT: AEW DYNAMITE HITS & MISSES (6/19): MJF vs. Rush, Swerve-Ospreay promo, Owen Hart Tournament brackets, The Acclaimed’s win, MJF-Ospreay tease
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: NJPW “Soul” results (6/23): Vetter’s review of Satoshi Kojima vs. TJP and Toru Yano vs. Boltin Oleg in G1 Climax qualifier tournament matches
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