AEW COLLISION HITS & MISSES: Takeshita attacking Moxley, The Elite’s self-promotion video, FTR’s closing promo for PPV, Willow-Mercedes hype video, more

AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
MAY 25, 2024
LAS VEGAS, NEV.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness

– OPENING NOTE: I’d like to start this column with a correction because my opinions are super important and totally matter to people who aren’t my parents. In last week’s column, I accidentally gave the Serena Deeb vs. Anna Jay match a “Miss,” but I had meant to give them a “Hit.” I wanted to take the time to make this correction because, while my “Hits & Misses” columns are intentionally silly, brimming with immature takes, and full of irreverent B.S., I actually do take the “Hits” and the “Misses” parts of my Hits & Misses column seriously.

Anyway… *clears throat*

– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column. We are one night away from Double or Nothing, and this is AEW’s final chance to sell their PPV via buzzworthy appearances from household names like Satnam Singh, Shawn Dean, Charlie Bravo, Toa Liona, Bishop Kaun, Dutch, Vincent, wrestlers who don’t work there, and Jeff Jarret in 2024.

SHOWING CLIPS OF MOXLEY’S FIRST-EVER AEW APPEARANCE — HIT

Tony Schiavone opened the show by congratulating AEW on their 5-year anniversary (Congrats!), and he managed to tie this acknowledgment into Jon Moxley’s upcoming promo by showing us clips of Jon Moxley back when he had hair because Schiavone wants to make me feel old.

JON MOXLEY & DON CALLIS CUT A PROMO — HIT

Don Callis interrupted Jon Moxley to talk about his forehead scar of many colors (tonight’s color was copper-glazed burgundy) and how both he and Moxley were fellow psychopaths. (I’m supposed to like Moxley, right?)

Instead of refuting that he was a psychopath (a trait commonly associated with figures like Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, and Donald Trump), Moxley offered to give Callis a second scar in hopes of bolstering their friendship. (He did not appear to be using the sarcasm emoji while making this offer.)

TAKESHITA ATTACKING MOXLEY FROM BEHIND — MINOR HIT

Despite Moxley’s generous offer of harmonious violence, Takeshita attacked Moxley from behind and crushed his arm with a steel chair. However, given the promos that preceded this course of action, I’m unsure if Takeshita was trying to offer Moxley carnage or chiropractic care.

IN A POST-DYNAMITE PROMO, WILL OSPREAY TRIES TO OUT-BLADE SWERVE STRICKLAND — HIT

As memorable as these graphic visuals are, I think it would behoove everyone to remember that there are starving vampires in China.

HIROSHI TANAHASHI & CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI & DANIEL GARCIA vs. VINCENT & DUTCH & LANCE ARCHER — HIT

This was a good match that I’m sure will help promote tomorrow’s PPV, given its relevance.

Side Note: Seeing Lance Archer almost land on his hand on the ring apron was terrifying and not in the “Jon Moxley” way we’ve all come to love at a safe distance.

Second Side Note: Watching Claudio Castagnoli spin Dutch in a circle gave new meaning to the legend of the “Flying Dutchman.”

THE ELITE AIR A HYPE VIDEO FOR THEMSELVES — MEGA-HIT

The Elite’s new gimmick is starting to border on Christian Cage-levels of entertaining. I honest-to-God did not know The Young Bucks had this in them, and by “in them,” I mean a Waystar-branded stick up their a—.

THE LUCHA BROS vs. THE GUNN BROS — HIT

Once again, I admire AEW’s commitment to serving us go-home-show matches that join the words “jack all” with the words “to do with it.”

CHRIS JERICHO CUTS A PROMO — MEGA-HIT

Smiling like a man who ate a cat who ate a bird, Chris Jericho talked about how honored he was to be the longest reigning “For The World” champion in the history of the last 34 days.

Side Note: Chris Jericho is also the youngest “For The World” champion. That part is important, too.

Second Side Note: I went into this gimmick as skeptical as a germaphobe at a handshake convention, but I have since been won over, under, and inside out. So far, this version of Chris Jericho is the most entertaining he has been since he was sipping champagne and calling himself “Le Champion.”

Third Side Note: That said, I hope Hook beats the ever-loving dad jokes out of Chris Jericho’s never-loving dad bod.

KYLE O’REILLY vs. KM — IN THE MIDDLE

In just over a minute, AEW continued to put the word “relevance” in irrelevance and then set it on fire.

HYPE VIDEO FOR MERCEDES MONE vs. WILLOW NIGHTINGALE — MEGA HIT

I’ve never wrestled (to the surprise of absolutely no one), but if there is one thing I can speak with authority on, it is producing hype videos because I have literally won awards for having produced hype videos. This particular video was an award-worthy video.

I love watching hype videos produced for professional wrestling events, and WWE used to be the only company with the means to produce jaw-droppingly good ones. However, AEW has been giving them a run for their money in recent years, and this hype video is at the very front of that race. I have no idea who was responsible for creating this video, but Mercedes Mone, Willow Nightingale, Tony Khan, and anyone else who stood to benefit from it should be thanking them.

THE HOUSE OF BLACK vs. THE ACCLAIMED vs. THE INFANTRY vs. THE GATES OF AGONY — MINOR-HIT

This was a lot.

I’m not saying this wasn’t an entertaining match because it was, but it was also “extra” with a capital “X.” I could not keep up with who was doing what, who was the legal man, or even who was taking the pinfall. (I had to ask my boyfriend to run it back so I could see who it was that Brodie Lee pinned.)

That said, if you like fast-paced cluster-matches with plenty of cool spots, plenty of memorable imagery, and absolutely zilch to do with AEW’s upcoming PPV they want me to spend $50 on, then this match is for you.

ADAM COPELAND CHANNELS THE GHOST OF GIMMICKS’ PAST — HIT

While I’m still worried that Adam Takerland’s newest iteration of himself might fizzle rather than sizzle, this clever and surprisingly coherent promo gave me hope.

TONI STORM CUTS A PROMO — HIT

Toni Storm should not be a heel, but if she is absolutely determined to continue fighting this up-heel battle, this was the kind of promo she needed to cut. However, this current iteration of Toni Storm would have trouble getting booed on Halloween.

MARIAH MAY vs. LEYLA HIRSCH — HIT

This was a really good women’s match, especially given how short it was. In fact, after the match ended, I was left wanting more.

Side Note: Mariah May deserves her own entrance. Borrowing Toni Storm’s music was cool the first ten times she did it, but now it’s starting to feel like the company doesn’t care enough about her to help her establish her own identity.

Second Side Note: Speaking of Mariah May’s identity and given her recent wrestling style, it seems as if AEW wants Mariah May to adopt a Sable-like “sex-kitten” gimmick. As long as she is on board with that kind of gimmick, I’m all for it! However, to fully embrace that gimmick, she needs to step out of Toni Storm’s shadow. May is a very gifted wrestler who, much like Jay White, should not be squandered.

Third Side Note: I look forward to the day we get a Toni Storm vs. Mariah May match. That match has all the ingredients to be as epic as epicenes could epically be.

SERENA DEEB CUTS A PROMO — HIT

Serena Deeb’s backstage promos have been as on point as a ballerina, and tonight, she turned up the music. Now, I’m not going to lie; I’m pretty sure that tune is the sound of a funeral march heading toward an inevitable defeat at Double or Nothing, but at least I’m having fun dancing to the beat until then.

HYPE VIDEO FOR SWERVE STRICKLAND vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE — MEGA-HIT

The Emmys should start a category for hype videos.

FTR & BRYAN DANIELSON vs. JEFF JARRET & COMPANY — HIT

This was so much better than it had any right to be. Plus, nothing says “go-home-show” like a match featuring three men who have more to do with Good Housekeeping matches and Leatherface than with tomorrow night’s $50 PPV.

Side Note: Did I mention it’s $50?

FTR CUTS A GO-HOME PROMO — MEGA-HIT

This was a clinic of a promo. Honestly, before this promo, I was going to give this show a B- for its failure to feature matches that were in any way relevant to tomorrow night’s PPV, but this promo was good enough to bring the show’s grade up from a B- to a B+. I don’t know if Dax Harwood really meant the things he said, but that doesn’t matter because what he said was true, and his words touched a nerve with me.

During his promo, Harwood talked about the way great wrestling helps people escape, even if only for a few minutes, and he’s not wrong. In fact, listening to Harwood’s promo, I thought about something I wrote in a previous Hits & Misses column. In that column, I said, “I think the best praise I can give this match is to say that I received devastating personal news right before sitting down to watch Collision, and for 20 straight minutes, this match made me forget about it.”

That is high praise, but it is also not only true for me but for many others like me. So, all jokes aside, to the wrestling artists out there who put everything on the line so we can escape, forget, and get through really bad days: thank you. As critical as wrestling fans can be, it may not seem like we appreciate what you do, but in at least one way, real life is a little bit like wrestling because things aren’t always what they seem.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

If I were grading this show based on how well it hyped Double or Nothing, I’d have spent half the night Googling whether there is a line of demarcation in which letters can cross over into the negatives. However, if I were to grade this show based on how well it entertained me, I’d have no choice but to give it an above-average grade. For the sake of time, the alphabet, and my sanity, I’m going with the latter option.

SHOW GRADE: B+

DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:

• Match of the Night: FTR & DANIELSON VS. JEFF JARRETT & COMPANY
• Second Best Match: HIROSHI TANAHASHI & CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI & DANIEL GARCIA vs. THE RIGHTEOUS & LANCE ARCHER
• Third Best Match: MARIAH MAY vs. LEYLA HIRSCH

Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. As always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember to remind AEW’s team that there is a PPV tomorrow because if tonight’s show was any kind of indicator, only 50 percent of them know about it.

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(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first sleeping bag, which is a shopping bag for people whose groceries get tired. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)