SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
It’s Friday, why so blue?! Because it’s time for the blue-tastic, bombastic, night of wrestling, featuring such hyped moments as a social media star returning, Bobby Lashley fighting a grumpy tattoo man, and Cody Rhodes and Seth Rollins answering a question! Will it be yes? Will it be no? Will there be a long dramatic pause with 3 dots appearing on screen for an absurdly long time?! Anything could happen! Let’s dig into the most overrated and under-appreciated moments from Friday Night Smackdown.
OVERRATED – WWE BRAG-A-THON
WWE just achieved 100 million followers on YouTube and got a fancy award. I can think of 200 million reasons they didn’t need to highlight this. You already make more money than most of your viewers, do you really need to take YouTube from the people? It’s all we got, Hunter! That said, it is pretty impressive that their subscriber total is more than the NBA, NFL, MLB, and NHL combined.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – FART ART
There is a fine, nuanced art to creating bout graphics. This graphic of Bobby Lashley versus Karrion Kross is absolutely hysterical. It looks like Kar-bear is letting one rip and Bobby is staring at him like “Did he just do that?”. Hilariously unintentional, but go back and look at it again. You’re welcome.
OVERRATED – ILL-CONCEIVED BARRIER LED DESIGNS
Why do Kevin Owens’ barrier graphics make it look like he’s in a dive bar? Seriously, who thought he’d benefit from the rotten wood-chic aesthetic? I mean, I guess if you’re going to fight, fight and fight some more, you might as well do it in a dive bar. Fun fact, the imaginary Kevin Owens’ dive bar has more patrons than WWE New York ever did.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – A-TOWN TODDLER
In the beginning of Kevin Owens and Randy Orton versus Austin Theory and Grayson Waller, there is a hilarious moment if you look closely. Theory and Owens go to lock up, miss, and Theory reacts like a 3 year old that just sprayed himself in the face with a hose.
OVERRATED – A-TOWN RANKED DOWN
Austin Theory’s ranking in WWE2K24 is 72?! He doesn’t deserve that. This kid could easily be a future main eventer. This feels like seeing the star quarterback from high school working at a gas station. It’s just sad, even though he still looks cooler than I ever will. Thank you, Corey Graves for pointing out this travesty on commentary. Upstanding individuals like yourself really help drive awareness to serious issues such as this.
OVERRATED – RANDY’S AILMENT
Randy Orton now has so many skulls on his arms, that it’s starting to look like a skin condition or some kind of odd infectious disease. Is there a vaccine for R.K.O.? I think Grayson Waller should be wearing a mask.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – COUNTING TO TEN
Watching Randy Orton punch Grayson Waller in the head while the crowd happily counts to ten is so wholesome. It’s such a simple thing, but we wrestling fans love to count up and count down. It’s our thing. Just look at The Royal Rumble or The Elimination Chamber. We just love numbers, and whenever a vet like Orton goes for a classic like the turnbuckle 10 punch, it’s like watching America’s Funniest Home Videos and a clip comes on with a kid hitting a baseball into his dad’s baby maker. Sure, we’ve seen it a hundred times, but it’s always a fun, happy comfort zone of entertainment (maybe not for Dad). Special shoutout to Orton who looks like he’s having the most fun he’s had in years in the ring. I have to wonder if this year is going to be Randy’s last ride and he’s trying to soak it all in and go out with a bang. I’m both kind of sick of Orton, and simultaneously don’t want him to be gone. He’s like an annoying roommate. Sure you don’t want them annoying you, but when they’re gone, it’s oh so lonely. We need R.K.O.s to keep us warm at night.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – BILL NYE THE OWENS GUY
Is there anyone in WWE that Kevin Owens doesn’t have chemistry with? Seriously, if he had any more chemistry he’d have to start teaching science courses in the ring. Special shoutout to him hilariously telling Grayson Waller “No one likes you.” Blunt, cold and classic Owens.
OVERRATED – GRAYSON WALLER’S FACE-OFF
I’m all for selling an opponent’s offense. It’s the key ingredient to getting us invested in a match. That said, Grayson Waller selling face pain after getting clocked by Kevin Owens is a bit much. He’s contorting his face so much he looks like Elvis Presley if he just got stung on the lip by a bee. He looks like Vigilante in Peacemaker trying to contort his face to avoid being identified. Subtlety is believability. That was about as subtle as John Cena wearing the entire Peacemaker outfit on the press circuit promoting the show. I’d also like to point out that not all greens are created equal, and while I applaud Waller and Theory in trying to color coordinate, this is deserving of a citation from the fashion police. Where’s Fandango when you need him? Side note, seeing the Fashion Files’ case board with a picture of Randy Orton and “Allergic to sleeves?” written on it, is still one of my fondest WWE memories. Public Service Announcement: Wear sleeves or you too could contract R.K.O.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – G.K.O.
Grayson Waller going for Randy Orton’s R.K.O., complete with the taunt, is such a hilarious, classic heel move. If they’re getting into a program together, I’d love to see Waller start using (stealing) his move in other matches. He looked like he was genuinely having fun too. I wonder if that was a surprise to try to get Randy to break character and laugh. Special mention to Kevin Owens taking out Austin Theory at ringside. I will never get sick of seeing him come in like a wrecking ball (he sings in his best Miley Cyrus impression).
OVERRATED – RANDY’S SPECIAL PLACE
Corey Graves, I am really sick of hearing about this mysterious, sick, and twisted place that Randy Orton goes to. First of all, I didn’t see him go anywhere. He’s been right in front of me the entire time. Secondly, where is this place? What is this place? Is this where patient zero of R.K.O. lives? If so, I’m going to take the long way around. I don’t want to go anywhere near that place. They say R.K.O. can come out of nowhere and I’m not taking any chances. Also, I cringe every time Randy pounds the mat. I’m just waiting for him to dislocate his shoulder again. I feel like I’m watching a bus floor it straight at a brick wall and there’s nothing I can do but watch (and enjoy the crash).
UNDER-APPRECIATED – LOGAN PAUL’S BRASS NON-KNUCKLES
Oh my God, did I love seeing Logan Paul’s hilariously cartoonish takeout of Kevin Owens and Randy Orton. He popped up like a Looney Tunes villain with the most ridiculous looking double clothesline. I loved every ounce of this over-the-top moment. That said, Logan, if you’re going to use brass knuckles, maybe, I dunno, slide them onto your actual knuckles. You have them resting oddly on your fingertips like you’re about to use them for some twisted finger painting endeavor. I know you’re a maverick but yeesh. Special mention to Logan making a hilariously relatable annoyed face when Orton stole his brass knuckles. It was such an “I’m telling my mom” face. This guy just gets his role and plays it to a T.
OVERRATED – IYO SKY
That was a great promo package hyping the Bayley versus Iyo Sky feud. I love that WWE is getting bold with having multiple layers and foils in feuds. The only problem I have with this Bayley versus all of Damage CTRL story, is that Iyo Sky is the absolute weakest character involved. I’d rank Dakota Kai the most interesting, then Kairi Sane because she’s incredibly creepy, then Asuka because she’s a legacy star with charisma for days, and then Iyo dead last. She’s just getting buried by the big fish around her. It’s like she’s a single candle on a stage of fire pyro. She’s barely noticeable with all the heat burning around her. I’ve heard of a candle in the wind, but Sky is more like a candle in the middle of a hurricane, tornado, and tsunami all at once. Corey Graves called Dakota Kai the “fourth and final dagger.” I’d say there are three daggers and a thumbtack.
OVERRATED – BAD AUDIO DECISION
Why on earth is WWE bleeding in arena audio during the Bayley interview with Kayla Braxton?! They’re not hanging on every word, or even reacting to and enhancing what she’s saying. It just sounds like the crowd is bored and everyone is talking amongst themselves. Bad audio decision, WWE. If I’m going to see Adele sing, I don’t want to hear a drum solo in the background. Yes I just compared Bayley to Adele. It was the first singer that popped into my head. It’s not my fault she has an angelic voice that sticks to my eardrums like Perry Saturn to a mop. Sue me. Actually don’t sue me. I don’t want the legal expenses or having to explain my closeted love of Adele.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – PROPER GRAMMAR
I am completely and utterly distracted by Bayley’s poor use of grammar in this interview. First, she said Damage CTRL “took their history and used it against us.” Us? Is this a sequel to Split? Bayley, is someone else in there with you? Did said individual, or individuals, come from that place Randy Orton goes to? A few moments later she topped herself by saying that Damage CTRL made the biggest mistake of their “life.” I didn’t realize that they were a shared consciousness. I thought that only existed on shows like The Last of Us. So apparently Bayley is a we, and Damage CTRL is a her. I know grammar isn’t necessarily at the forefront of everyone’s mind while speaking, but it’s like a cheese grater on a chalkboard for me. Bayley, please take the cheese grater off of the chalkboard. Just when I thought the Bayley destruction of the English language was over, she said “I will do everything in my soul to break them.” What’s in your soul Bayley? What exactly are you doing in your soul? Do you have activities there? I wish I had things to do in my soul, a crossword puzzle, maybe Sudoku, anything fun really. My soul is an empty toy chest. Lucky you.
OVERRATED – NAOMI’S EAR RAVE
Why are there strobing lights coming out of Naomi’s ears during this interaction with Bianca BelAir? That’s not distracting AT ALL. It only looks like she’s having glowing ragers inside her eardrums, which are being played by a mad man. So much green. So much glow. I feel like I’m watching a Power Ranger’s girlfriend try to be supportive but going overboard. Naomi is throwing a weak pity party at the same time. She seems so blue, but looks so green. She’s like a depressed Shrek, taking downers in the middle of a club rager. Special shout out to Bianca’s line “I said what I said.” She delivered that with contagious swagger. She should make that a shtick, insulting people and then adding the “I said what I said” exclamation point to it. Gold.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – BOBBY LASHLEY’S ALL MIGHTY ENTRANCE
I’m sorry, but is the lead lighting designer the biggest Bobby Lashley fan of all time? Was he sitting in the front row when Lashley and Donald Trump shaved Vince McMahon’s head? Whatever it is, this guy gave Lashley some of the coolest lighting for an entrance I’ve ever seen. Lashley, you should be incredibly grateful to whoever put this together for you, alrighty? Alrighty All Mighty? That lighting design is almost as gold as Bobby’s outfit (which is literally gold).
OVERRATED – KARRION KROSS’S HEAVYWEIGHT STATUS?
Did Wade Barrett just refer to both Bobby Lashley and Karrion Kross as heavyweights? While many of us see them both as such, WWE has done virtually nothing to earn calling Karrion that. The only thing heavyweight about him is that he lifts heavy weights. Also apparently his group is called The Final Testament. That’s like finding out there were more than three members of Destiny’s Child. I only care about Beyonce. Corey Graves just referred to them as two modern day gladiators. Sure, but one is Russell Crowe and the other is Laser from American Gladiators. There’s an ocean of clout between them. Also, I’m sorry but does Scarlett have claws now? That’s the sharpest creative decision involving anything to do with Karrion.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – KARRION’S ANGRY ELBOW
Holy elbows, Batman! Karrion Kross just hit Bobby Lashley with one of the most brutal elbow strikes I’ve ever seen. Where has that fire been this whole time, Kross? That was hard enough to get you one more testament. Any harder and he would have knocked Lashley back to Impact Wrestling on Destination America. Special mention to Scarlett who is really good as Kross’ ringside personality. She doesn’t say much verbally, but she speaks monologues with body language. She’s like if Paul Heyman and a mime had a love child, that grew up and went through an emo phase.
OVERRATED – SLOW AND SLOWER
Karrion Kross and Bobby Lashley both fight with such a similar slow style in the ring that it’s annoyingly slow paced. I feel like I’m watching an indy Oscar movie about Amazon factory workers…I’m looking at you, Nomadland. I honestly wonder what’s slower, this match, or Roman Reigns’ walk to the ring. Special K has a solid moves set, a great look, and a decent shtick, but watching him wrestle an equally slow-paced Lashley, is like watching a sumo wrestler wade through 5 feet of mud. I’m glad this is The Last Testament. I don’t have enough caffeine in me to stay awake for anymore testaments.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – A.J. STYLES’S HUMBLING MISSION
I really liked this quick but effective promo from A.J. Styles explaining why he’s going after L.A. Knight, and no it isn’t because they both have abbreviations as their first names. Honorable mention to Wade Barrett, for saying he hopes they have Progressive insurance on the set after Knight watched Styles’ promo, and then destroyed the TV he watched in on. Clever and funny incorporation of a key sponsor.
OVERRATED – PANTS (IN DRAGON LEE’S OPINION)
Listen, can everyone stop with the white trunks already? It just looks like you forgot to wear pants, Dragon Lee. It’s jarring, distracting, and makes me want to go to the Gap to buy you a pair of jeans. Wear pants, Mr. Lee. Wear pants. Also, I wish they’d stop trying to sell Dragon Lee as the next Rey Mysterio. That, he is not. He’s more like the discounted, off-brand, generic cola version of Rey. Rey has a level of charisma, ability and speed that few can match. Dragon Lee, you can fly under the name of a mythical creature all you want, but compared to Rey, you’re still just a green lizard. Now, read that again to appreciate my double entendre with green. Please, thank you, and you’re welcome.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – SANTOS ESCOBAR
Santos Escobar has fully embraced, and is shining with the persona of a villain in a Robert Rodriguez movie. His mannerisms, his subtle demeanor, and his explosive temper are all serving this elevating persona shift. If WWE Films were still a thing, I’d love to see him play a titular bad guy role. For now though, we’ll have to settle for serialized villainy. Santos, all your minions are bargain bin bad guys, but you sir, you are the 4K UHD, collectors steelbook of evil. Kudos. Also, don’t hurt me for insulting your friends. Seriously, I’m fragile.
OVERRATED – DARTH ROCKY’S PRIVATE ENTRANCE
Seriously, Rock acknowledges Roman Reigns as the Tribal Chief, but still can’t subserviently enter as his lackey? Weak sauce, Rock. Weak sauce with a side of pie. They bought so much real estate for Reigns’ alpha male machismo last week, and 7-days later they throw it all away so The Rock can have his own private entrance. Side note, I think it’s really sweet that Rock is willing to wear a vest his kids made for him on national TV. Cool addition to his open with the lightning, but last I checked, lightning doesn’t have Star Wars sound effects accompanying them. Rock…may The Bloodline be with you.
OVERRATED – SLOW ENTRANCES
I honestly can’t figure out who is slower, The Rock walking to the ring like he’s dragging a ball and chain hooked to his legs, or Roman “Bird Watching” Reigns during his entrance. There’s nothing wrong with watching aerial-enabled animals, Roman, but can you do it while you’re pacing around your own mansion, instead of on my Friday night? Please? Pretty please with a Solo Sikoa musical solo on top?
OVERRATED – BETWEEN THE ROCK AND A HARD PLACE
The Rock needs to commit to being a heel more. Him showing his goosebumps over and over doesn’t help to make us hate him. It also doesn’t help that he stands out amongst the darkly dressed Bloodline with a vest that can be seen from the International Space Station. On top of that (but wait there’s more) he is standing about 4-feet away from the rest of his faction. If this ain’t foreshadowing that he’s going to help Cody Rhodes at WrestleMania, I don’t know what is. Rocky is practically standing on a soap box, screaming into the crowd “I’m not with them!” I do like the added intrigue, but this is a bit too heavy handed for my taste. Let me exercise a little bit of brain power here. I don’t need a hand where the sun don’t shine, operating my mouth, forcing my opinions like a puppet. I’m also wondering if perhaps The Rock doesn’t have goosebumps. Maybe he contracted R.K.O., the poor guy.
UNDER – APPRECIATED – PRECISION CAMERA WORK
I love seeing Cody Rhodes enter from the crowd but the camera man completely missed the first “wow”, which deflates Mr. Nightmare’s entrance. WWE, cool idea but if you’re going to roll out the red carpet of creativity, don’t track mud all over it. You gotta get these things right or your fun aesthetic risks become nothing more than clunky misfires. It’s like the entrance-embodiment of Curtis Axel’s debut all over again. Side note, Seth Rollins can humble himself by entering under Cody’s music, but Dwayne “T.G.I. Fridays vest” Johnson can’t lower himself to enter under the Tribal Chief’s jam? There’s enough gray area to these entrances to fill Seth Rollins’ jumbo jacket. Seriously though, did he steal that coat from a Himalayan Sherpa with an overactive pituitary gland? If you’re unfamiliar, that’s the genetic abnormality that causes people to grow large enough to actually fit into Seth’s coat.
OVERRATED – CODY “CAPTAIN OBVIOUS” RHODES
I’m normally on the edge of my seat for anything and everything Cody Rhodes says. But I draw the line at him telling me to feel a moment instead of letting me feel a moment. The crowd alone prompts us to soak this all in. We don’t need his nightmareness to tell us to. We have eyes and ears, Cody. Let our senses guide us. Let me smell and taste the cake. I don’t need you saying it’s delicious cake. It’s just not what I want to talk about.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – ROCK’S LACK OF AUTHORITY
Okay, Cody Rhodes totally redeemed himself by asking if Rock had the authority to make a challenge, after placing himself beneath Roman Reigns’ leadership. That’s gold. He’s smartly sewing mistrust between them ahead of WrestleMania. Side note, how can Rocky call Seth Rollins a walking clown show, when he himself is dressed like Guy Fieri’s assistant? I didn’t know they opened a Smackdown Hotel in FlavorTown.
OVERRATED – THE DIARRHEA RETURNS
The Rock may not want to turn anything sideways or shove anything somewhere, because the diarrhea has returned…possibly a side effect of contracting R.K.O. I’m not a fan of fecal matter jokes, it reeks of low-hanging fruit if you ask me, but I did appreciate the unexpected chant interrupting Rock. Until now he’s seemed pretty over tonight, so this was a welcome shift. It’s also heartwarming to see the proud look on Seth Rollins’ face, like he just saw his child give a doll the stomp for the first time. Ah, proud parenting moments.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – SETH REASSERTS HIMSELF
Seeing Seth Rollins interrupt and flat out bury The Rock really redeemed him from the lingering stench of looking weak at the legendary press conference. I particularly enjoyed him calling The Rock, “Mr. Mid-Life Crisis.” It’s so true. Just look at the vest that makes him look like he’s posing for an annual fireman calendar. “You had your time. You can’t have ours” was also particularly great. If there were any lingering doubts about Seth’s machismo as a main eventer, those should be buried in the parking lot of The Smackdown Hotel now…the FlavorTown branch. Apologies for the metaphors in this column. I think it’s a side effect of R.K.O. I took a wrong turn and ended up in that place Randy Orton goes to, by mistake.
OVERRATED – ROMAN REIGNS’S LAUGH
I don’t like when Roman Reigns laughs mid promo. He looks like a goofball that can’t act when he does. He really loses his quiet, cool demeanor, which I prefer, when he’s standing firmly in The Rock’s shadow. It does him no favors.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – THE ROCK DOES MATH
I think it’s absolutely hysterical that The Rock added up the math to conclude that Cody Rhodes’ conception was a mistake. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he is The Great One. I still wish he’d work harder to give Roman Reigns the rub, but some lines can only come out of The Rock’s mouth. Kudos to him for knowing how much WWE fans love counting.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – CODY GOES WILL SMITH
I’ll be honest. I had completely forgotten about the slap at the press conference between The Rock and Cody Rhodes. Seeing Cody get his receipt was absolutely glorious. I wish The Rock had gotten in Cody’s face for an epic stare down as they went off the air but I won’t ding them for that. The Rock’s violent smile says it all.
That’s all for now. I’ll be back Monday for more fire vests, math-driven machismo, updates on the spread of R.K.O. disease, and of course, Seth Rollins’ latest catwalk.
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: WWE Friday Night Smackdown results (3/8): Barnett’s review of Cody Rhodes and Seth Rollins responding to Rock and Roman Reigns’ WMXL challenge, Bobby Lashley vs. Karrion Kross
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