SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Well folks, it’s that wonderful time of the week for that premiere, action-packed show that never, EVER has a talking segment as the main event. Actions speak louder than words afterall, so let’s dig into this week’s most overrated and under-appreciated moments from Friday Night Smack Talk…I mean Friday Night Smackdown.
OVERRATED – THE ROCK CAN’T PARK
That was the single worst parking job I’ve ever seen. I half expected Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to get out of the truck and say, “Driving isn’t about parking straight. It’s about family.” I think Rock’s ability to drive may have been lost after years of being chauffeured around movie sets, premieres and ZOA events. By the way, ZOA now comes in grape, so make sure you support your favorite heel, today! Seriously, that was about as crooked as the road to WrestleMania. Don’t Teremana and drive, Mr. “The Rock” Johnson.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – WWE 2K24 RATINGS
During the Kevin Owens vs. Dominik Mysterio match, I loved seeing each wrestler’s WWE 2K24 rating. This is a brilliant way to create expectations in matches while organically promoting the upcoming video game. That said, Dom and Nick both received an 83 rating? Is that a total between the two indistinguishable brothers? Those boys are a magnet for heat, and that’s worth something, but not that high of a WWE 2K24 rating. That’s about as accurate as a WWE paternity test. We’ll never forget who your true Papi is, Dom. Ladder matches can’t hide the truth. Viva la raza.
OVERRATED – DOMINIK MYSTERIO DOING THE 619
Dominik Mysterio should not be doing the 619. He needs to keep working on establishing an identity that works counter to everything he learned from Rey Mysterio. He shouldn’t be doing the 619 unless he cuts a promo framing it as pure disrespect of his (legal) father. He’s not that great at it to begin with. Dare I say, it looks “Dirty”. I’d love to see him put a new spin on it and rename it, similar to what Charlotte Flair did by evolving the Figure Four into the Figure Eight. He could call it the 1,238…hmm…that’s actually kind of the mouthful. Maybe just “The Twelve Thirty-Eight”. This is too much math for me, but special props to Alexa for contributing to my laziness in deciphering such complicated numerical escalations.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – DOMINIK “THE MULLET” MYSTERIO
Dominik Mystero’s mullet is glorious. It is pure ‘80s nostalgia. It really shows shades of his father…his real father. If he wasn’t wrestling in the great beyond in the sky, I’d think they were dropping Easter eggs for a Latino Heat return. Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio could have had a geriatric ladder match to determine which one of them gets to move into the in-law suite of Dom’s house someday.
OVERRATED – KEVIN GOIN’ TO THE CHAMBER
Knowing full well that Kevin Owens is going to go over Dominik Mysterio and qualify for The Elimination Chamber really takes the fun out of the match. I get it though. He’s a reliable utility player, a former champ and someone they can count on to hold his own and bring intensity to the match. That said, Dom is such a breath of negative fresh air. I would personally love a curveball of him qualifying for the match, just to infuse some fun “What if?” vibes.
OVERRATED – NOT THE WHOLE R-TRUTH
Why have R-Truth come out and dip his toes into thinking Kevin Owens is actually The Miz, and not go full bore into it? Usually when he plays this card he has another Ace up his sleeve for comedic effect. This felt like a waste of R-Truth’s gimmick tonight. Personally, I would have had Truth start doing bumps outside the ring, pantomiming Kevin’s falls. Then when Kevin aks what he’s doing have Truth respond “I’m your stunt double, Miz. I’m the new Damien Sandow. Remember him?!” I love it when WWE rewards longtime fans with callbacks. Missed opportunity!They could have also had Kevin put a hand up, telling Truth to stop, only to have him latch onto it and yell at the crowd “When his hand goes up, your mouth goes shut!” Another missed opportunity!
UNDER-APPRECIATED – LEAVING DIRTY DOM OUT TO DRY
Kevin Owens is so intense and entertaining that I often forget about his explosiveness. That short clothesline to Dominik Mysterio was brutal enough to knock the dirty right off of him, and leave him on the mat for a clean 3-count.
OVERRATED – SHIRTLESS WRESTLING
Who needs to show off their physique during a wrestling match anyway? Dominik Mysterio and Kevin Owens are true trailblazers of wearing shirts during matches. Good for you, gentlemen. Know you’re more than just eye candy to the world.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – FANDEMONIUM
Kevin Owens running up to a fan shooting a selfie video after a move, and asking if he got a good shot of that, was brilliant. First of all, massive kudos to the cameraman who saw the opportunity with that shot, and then same to Kevin for capitalizing on it. This is the kind of self-promotion that hooks fans and gets them to rally behind you week after week. The more he does this kind of thing, the stronger his live audience support will be. Afterall, you never know when you might score a cameo on The K.O. Show. I say this jokingly, as I’m fully aware that The K.O. Show is not actually a wrestling match. Wade Barrett on the other hand, actually made a comment about Dominik Mysterio being on The K.O. Show during this match. Wade, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but The K.O. Show is actually a faux talk segment and moments in matches are not applicable as programming for said series.
OVERRATED – WHO DIED?
Why is everyone involved in the Kevin Owens versus Dominik Mysterio match rocking black? Between the ref, K.O., Dom, and even R-Truth it’s like they all just came from a funeral. This is like watching the anti-Barbie movie. Is everyone auditioning for The Authors of Pain? Is this a Carl Weathers tribute? I love Apollo Creed as much as the next guy but would a pop of color kill y’all? This is like watching a Casablanca-themed match in a funeral parlor.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – COREY’S GREATS
Corey Graves just said, “He’s countering 3 Amigos with 3 Friendly Canadians.” It’s such a simple line but man, that’s the kind of color commentary that makes Corey so good at what he does. The man is the human embodiment of sprinkles on an already delicious sundae. No wonder he chose the name Graves, because he’s killing it and leaving his commentary in a body bag at the end of each episode. Too morbid? At least everyone is dressed as dark as my commentary…on commentary. How meta.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – DOM GETS DONE DIRTY
After Kevin Owens hit his swanton bomb, he accidentally rolled over and hit Dominik Mysterio in the face with one of his ham-hock sized hands. Watching Dominik’s head bounce around like a bobble head upon impact was pretty amazing. Head shots are nothing to joke about, but accidental clockings are worth enjoying. I love an unintentional hit during a fake fight.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – BEING CONSCIOUS OF SLANGUAGE BARRIERS
I love Pete Dunne and Tyler Bate as much as the next NXT fan, but I don’t have a clue what they said here. It sounded like they threw out some clever quips, effective slang, and funny references but I didn’t follow a word of it. I feel like the guy at the party laughing along with a joke I don’t actually get, hoping no one sees through my facade of desperation to fit in. I like the angle of Tyler Bate pitching tag team names, but I don’t get the cleverness, humor or creativity of this name he suggested. It would have been great to hear Dominik Mysterio say, as he walked away “What does that even mean?”
OVERRATED – AUTHORS OF MUNDANE
Using a squash match to reframe The Authors of Pain as a dominant force is the right move. That said, for some reason, they just don’t land for me anymore. I’m too distracted by their over-pocketed vests and wondering what they have in them. It feels like they’re full of match notes from senior management, and are so focused on hitting every single one that they lose their in-ring presence in the process. I appreciate the commentator’s attempts to build them up as a legitimately dangerous duo, but they still feel like an unemployed, humorless, Dollar General-version of The A.P.A. And to that, I say “Damn”. They can author all the pain in the world on a weekly basis, but right now that book is doing nothing but collecting dust on my shelf…right next to Cody Rhodes’ story until he finishes it. I can’t read anything without an ending. So many aimless, yet entertaining, layers in this observation. You’d think WWE writers penned this one for me.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – KARRION KROSS’S SECOND FIDDLE
Poor Karrion Kross. The guy has all the swagger and sadistic vibes in the world, but he’s destined to be a lackey for the foreseeable future. At the very least, he’ll be the coolest looking guy to ever play second fiddle. Are The Authors of Pain in his faction? Is he in their faction? Do they just carpool to Smackdown? The world may never know. This is starting to feel like a buddy comedy, directed by Christopher Nolan, wildly entertaining, amazingly visual, but more confusing than a dog remains on a pole match…yeah, I still haven’t forgotten about that.
OVERRATED – LOGAN PAUL’S WEAK SAUCE
Move over Prime, Logan Paul is here to promote about six gallons of weak sauce tonight. He is normally a ball of fire on the mic, but tonight he was little more than a leftover Fourth of July sparkler. He raised the bar so high recently with his annoyingly over-the-top quips and overly-confident delivery that he’s becoming a victim of his own skills. I’m still talking about his line the other day: “Qualifying matches are for unqualified people.” I don’t know if he’s jet lagged, in a bad mood, or Prime sales have dipped, but this feels totally phoned in. If you’re going to pick up a mic, Logan, you have to remember how high of a bar you’ve set for yourself, and consistently deliver at that level. You need to go Paul In.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – A PRIME MOMENT FOR COMEDIC RELIEF
The best performance of the night goes to the kid in the front row who handed Logan Paul a Prime bottle to sign, only to have The Maverick stick chewed gum on the lid and hand it back to him, prompting an enthusiastic “Thank you!” I don’t know if that was a genuine moment, or a plant in the crowd, but that Oliver-esq moment of “Thank you sir, may I have some more” cracked me up.
OVERRATED – RERUNS OF THE SAME LOGAN PAUL GIMMICK
Logan Paul has enough skill and personality that he doesn’t need to attempt to use brass knuckles in every match. I’m personally a little sick of it. I get that his minions are always there but can they get a little creative with what goodies they bring for him to cheat with? How about a golden Prime bottle, or better yet, a Kansas City Chiefs WWE title belt since Patrick Mahomes is an official Prime ambassador. Can it be? Yet another missed opportunity?
UNDER-APPRECIATED – TAYLOR SWIFT ACKNOWLEDGING THE TRIBAL CHIEF
They could have also drawn attention to the social media team’s hilarious Instagram post showing Taylor Swift raising a finger at the Super Bowl, claiming she too acknowledges The Tribal Chief. It’s raining missed opportunities tonight.
OVERRATED – BACK…IN BLACK
Oh look, Drew McIntyre is also dressed in black. Apparently we wear black on Fridays. L.A. Knight enters. Finally someone bringing some…nope he’s dressed all in black too. Are we mourning something? Is this paying homage to the death of The Rock versus Roman Reigns main event that WWE wanted?
UNDER-APPRECIATED – THE ONLY RED IN THE BLOODLINE
Thank you, Jimmy Uso for wearing red tonight. Yeet or No Yeet, you’re a highlighter in a box of bic pens, and I for one, appreciate your individuality. Way to go against the grain and stand out.
OVERRATED – TIFFY TIME FOR RATINGS
I was all in favor of these rankings when used effectively earlier in the show, but inexplicably mismatched rankings are a turnoff for me. Why is Zelina Vega, a veteran, ranked lower than Tiffany Stratton? I get that she’s stronger, but this is really a testament to accomplishments within WWE, and Zelina’s are far more abundant than the rookie, Stratton’s. Also, I found it very amusing that they faded the graphic of the rankings half on screen, then immediately off, only to fully bring it on moments later. Someone got a little trigger happy in the production truck.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – THE PRETTIEST ALABAMA SLAM
Tiffany Stratton’s Alabama Slam was absolutely brutal. The cartwheel lead up looked incredibly clunky, but my God, does she have some power behind that move. I wish Corey Graves would point out that it’s that type of offense that landed her a higher ranking than Zelina Vega in WWE2K24.
OVERRATED – THE MOST ORDINARY MOONSAULT EVER
The commentators called Tiffany Stratton’s moonsault “The prettiest moonsault ever.” I thought that looked like the most okay-looking moonsault ever. In my humble opinion, Kurt Angle has the prettiest moonsault ever, and Matt Hardy has the ugliest. Sorry, Matt. So this is kind of the most in-the-middle, average, run-of-the-mill, generic moonsault ever.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – THE VALUE OF SLEEP
Waking up at 5am ET to watch a Premium Live Event? No thank you. I mean, I’m still going to wake up at the crack of dawn to watch it live, but I don’t have to be happy about it.
OVERRATED – WHY SO NOT BLUE, A.J. STYLES?
Hurray, it’s Mr. Blue T-shirt, A.J. Styles…oh wait…he’s dressed in black. Seriously, who died?!
UNDER-APPRECIATED – POST MALONE’S CHARISMA
Having Post Malone curate the soundtrack to WWE2K24 is a brilliant move. That said, this guy is Mr. Charisma and is fully capable of delivering a better promo. He feels like he’s telling a group of kindergartners a bedtime story. What’s with the weak, squeaky voice of softness, Posty? Is he jet-lagged? Completely dis-interested? Sad from joining whatever funeral the rest of WWE is apparently going to tonight?
OVERRATED – LUXURY
Luxury, when it pertains to babyfaces, works against them. I feel like WWE read my critique of Cody Rhodes’ luxury bus exit last week and decided to redirect that heat to build up The Bloodline. Seeing gourmet food being brought into The Bloodline’s locker room is certainly a thumbing of the nose to the audience. What can I say, WWE, except you’re welcome. Yep, I just Moanna’d you.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – MIZ’S RED HERRING
Firstly I’d like to thank the Miz for pulling a Jimmy Uso with the red tonight. I’ve never been more happy to see attire showcasing the most annoying color to the human eye. Miz in general is so under appreciated. Why not recap some of his past main event glory to at least give us a glimmer of hope that he might be Logan, who will absolutely go over because you need that athleticism in a chamber match. But WWE, can you at least give a spark of my dreams coming true before you tell me there’s no Santa Claus? I wanna believe and hear those bells from Santa’s sleigh. Yes, I did just invoke The Polar Express when referencing Miz, because every time he’s on our screens, it’s Christmas morning and he’s the gift that keeps on giving, like Nickelodeon Gak from the ‘90s. Man. So many uses for that creation, especially the one that smelled like pizza. I miss you ‘90s. Ya know why? Because everyone wore bright flamboyant colored neon clothing, unlike this episode of Smackdown where it seems like everyone is in the middle pledging to join a biker gang.
OVERRATED – THE MISSED KICKS
Missing kicks. The Miz didn’t even come close to Logan Paul’s face when he booted him. Logan flopped back like he connected but my God that looked horrible. That was like watching one of those videos on YouTube where someone walks into traffic, a car slows to a stop and then someone jumps on the hood and pretends to have been struck by the car. Yeesh.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – LOGAN’S PAUL OUT OFFENSE
Logan Paul’s inventive offense is always impressive. Every time I think I’ve seen all the moves, Logan flies in with an unexpected gem. The guy is born for this business, truly. He goes Paul or nothing in every match. You want a fresh cache of moves to have a character fully break bad in a match, you better call Paul.
OVERRATED – DANGEROUSLY LARGE BALLS
Miz, we have to stop with the massive balls shtick. I’m starting to get concerned, and perhaps you should get a doctor to check them out. The size about which you’re boasting about sounds dangerously abnormal, and testicular cancer is no joke.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – NIA JAX’S RAZZIE-WORTHY PERFORMANCE
Not recapping Nia Jax’s razzie-worthy performance brings me buckets of joy. I am so happy to NOT see that again. It was like watching a WWE promo as directed by Tommy Wiseau (if you’re unfamiliar, Google it, and enjoy levels of poor acting you didn’t know were achievable).
OVERRATED – GLOW NO
Naomi has lost a glow step, or two, likely three. That was like watching a brick roll down a hill. It wasn’t smooth, every turn was clunky and rigid, and also watching a brick roll down a hill is just kind of boring. Going neon funkadactyl doesn’t redeem several minutes of my life that I can’t get back. Dinosaurs are extinct, even funky ones.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – BREAKKING NEWS
In unexpected and breakking news, Bron Breakker signs with Friday Night Smackkdown? This is a missed opportunity in my opinion. He’s a badass, a workkhorse that belongs on Monday Night Raw. Up and coming main eventers get lost in the shuffle on Smackkdown with a stagnant main title. Bron there done that. I’m not enthusiastic about his momentum at the moment.
OVERRATED – HERPE SLAPS
The contact-fueled contagious nature of herpes. Rock said he’d smack the herpes off of the lips of the crowd. First of all, Rock, that is an ailment spread by physical contact, so the joke is on you. Second of all, if you’re running around slapping sexually transmitted diseases, I definitely don’t want to smell anything in your kitchen.
OVERRATED – THE GOLDEN BOY
Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to take this opportunity to thank DraftKings, the official sponsor of The Rock’s golden vest. Nothing says gambling more than a man willing to play The Tooth Fairy.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – ROCK-SOLID CONTROL
Even in heel mode, The Rock has people in the palm of his hand. Telling the crowd “No, no, no. Sing along with The Rock is over” was fantastic. He knew the crowd would chant with him, and perfectly set them up to get burned.
OVERRATED – NAME CALLING
Name calling is beneath Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. That’s low hanging fruit for a man who is certainly tall enough to reach the top shelf delights. He’s better than that. I would have had him say something like “The road to WrestleMania is going to be a long, sad, walk home on a bunch of dusty roads”.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – ROCK BOTTOM
We “Cody crybabies” may have stripped Rocky of the main event, but what we got out of The Rock is so much better. We have ‘97 Rock in full heel mode, and I for one, am here for it. I’m super curious to see if Rock has a match at WrestleMania or if he’s just a screw job waiting to happen. I can’t imagine Rock just being a lackey.
I’ll be back on Monday to shine an amusing spotlight on completely inconsequential elements of Monday Night Raw.
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