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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
DECEMBER 23, 2023
GARLAND, TEXAS
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness, Kevin Kelly
– Hey! Welcome to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column! Warning: This edition may be less funny than usual because I’m sick as a dog, and despite most dogs being relatively healthy, it is harder to be “funny” when you’re running a fever — if “funny” is even the adjective you’d use to describe what I do here. Most people describe it as “immaturity,” and I’m down with whatever description you choose. I don’t judge.
COLD OPEN — MISS
I love these cold opens, and given it is Christmas weekend, everything is supposed to be cold right now. Therefore, this segment’s absence was a miss.
NO LIGHTS, DECORATIONS, OR ANYTHING AT ALL ON THE CHRISTMAS TREES ON THE STAGE — MISS
There were Christmas trees on the stage, but there were no lights on them, their halls were not decked, and their apparel was heterosexual at best. I had thought this was merely an oversight on AEW Dynamite, but as it turns out, they Grinch-ed these trees, too.
My column pays attention to the important stuff. You won’t get this kind of coverage anywhere else.
TONIGHT’S CROWD — MEGA-HIT
Because there was no opening video package or theme music, the crowd chanted “AEW” before the match started so that Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli would know where they worked.
BRYAN DANIELSON vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI — MEGA-HIT
This might be my favorite match in the tournament so far, and in fact, it was so good I don’t feel compelled to make a face-thong joke about Danielson’s eyeball hammock. This match literally transcended jokes. (That or my cries for attention, which I disguise as faux humor, are being muffled by my cries of anguish, which are meant to disguise the guttural sounds being made by the throat of the common cold as it devours me from the inside out.)
Both men told a compelling story here, and I spent the entire match wondering if Castagnoli would become a hypocrite and go for Danielson’s eye after berating Andrade El Idolo for doing the same thing. I also feel like this was the perfect match to end in a draw. Both men are teammates, and therefore, they would both know each other’s strengths and weaknesses better than anyone else. A draw made sense in this instance.
CONTINENTAL CLASSIC RECAP VIDEO — HIT
Jon Moxley’s pacing looks like a circus tiger if it decided to go full tiger and drop the circus.
MAX CASTER’S RAP — MISS
I thought The Acclaimed were faces? How am I going to cheer for you when you just made a joke about Dante Martin’s near-career-ending injury?
NIGEL MCGUINESS USES THE WORD “SIMP” — HMM…
That is how trends die.
THE ACCLAIMED vs. TOP FLIGHT & FRIENDS — MINOR-MISS
To quote Jim Ross, “Who is the legal man?”
As for the in-ring action itself, this was a fast-paced bout that ended bizarrely. The camera did not get a shot of Max Caster pulling on Andretti’s tights, so the announcers had to drum home that it had happened, and in the process, they made The Acclaimed seem like royal heels. Are they turning heel?
BILLY GUNN’S SECRET FORMULA FOR EVERLASTING YOUTH — HIT
Is it orphan tears? Do you bathe in the tears of orphans? Do you have any tears left?
HOOK VIGNETTE — HIT
This was much better than Hook’s last promo, and it makes me think Hook should talk more, not less. When Hook only says one or two words, his deep voice sounds odd and put-on, but when he talks in whole sentences, it works well for him and his character. As for the match that this vignette was hyping, I’m looking forward to Hook vs. Wheeler Yuta, and I hope Hook retains.
Side Note: Wow, I’m just now realizing I’m too sick to make sex jokes.
KEITH LEE vs. BRIAN CAGE — HIT
This was an excellent match that would not have looked out of place on a PPV. I don’t get why AEW hasn’t pushed Brian Cage harder. They should and not because of his body but because he is a talented wrestler. That said, the right man won this bout, given that I’m pretty sure AEW/ROH is setting up Keith Lee for a rematch with Shane Taylor.
Side Note: Keith Lee’s hair was dyed tonight, and he should keep it that way. It makes him look a lot younger.
KEITH LEE CUTS A PROMO — HIT
I stand corrected. Keith Lee’s win over Brian Cage was not meant to set him up for a match against Shane Taylor. It was meant to set him up for a match against Swerve Strickland because of something that happened a year ago, which was so important that no one brought it up for 365 days.
Either way, Keith Lee excels at promos, and tonight’s promo was no exception.
TONI STORM’S INTERVIEW (FEAT. MARIAH MAY) — MEGA-HIT
This was wildly entertaining. Everything from Toni Storm’s no-selling of Mariah May’s existence to Renee Young’s frustration after Storm and May left the frame was a delight to watch.
Storm spent most of this promo lost in her own world, which makes sense because she owns the world, the world is large, and it is easy to get lost in large places. However, Mariah May had a few things to say, and she is a better actress than I initially thought. I especially liked the way she delivered the line, “You ask a lot of questions, don’t you?” (By the way, that’s literally Renee Young’s job.)
I also like the way AEW is slowly introducing Mariah May to their audience. While it would have felt like a big deal if AEW had debuted her straight out of New Japan, this slow build-up to her debut match is making her first fight feel bigger than it would have ever felt before. I just hope that once May finally does make her in-ring debut, AEW doesn’t pull a “Toni Storm” and no-sell her existence.
Oh yeah, and Toni Storm wants to eat Riho, so there’s that.
CHRISTIAN CAGE KILLS PUPPIES IN PUBLIC, I ASSUME — MEGA-HIT
Nigel McGuiness informed us that Christian Cage was named after Jesus Christ, and an angel carved off its wings.
Then, Christian Cage took the mic, and he… Wait. No. I’m sorry. I’m way too distracted by how evil Nick Wayne is being in the background right now. He is literally everything every straight guy hated Justin Bieber for being, but this one can’t sing.
Anyway, back to Christian Cage, who was definitely not named after Jesus. Christian hinted that we were about to find out why Shayna Wayne hit Adam Copeland in the head with Christian’s TNT title belt. (This should be good.). Instead of telling us outright, he introduced Shayna Wayne. (This should be bad.)
“You would boo me,” Momma Wayne said. “How dare you?”
Okay, this is going better than I thought it would.
“I am a mother! Nick Wayne is my baby boy,” Momma Wayne then pointed to the only 18-year-old on the planet who is excited to be called “baby boy” by his mother. “I watched Adam Copeland drive a chair into his head, and you ask me why I did what I did?”
Okay, this is going much better than I thought it would.
“You’re still going to boo me?” Momma Wayne continued. “You’re going to boo a mother?” Then, Momma Wayne did a “hmm” gesture with her eyeballs that somehow managed to summon my manager, and I’m self-employed.
Frankly, I am astonished at how well the assholery gene has permeated the entire Wayne family. As a viewer, I am repulsed, but as a person whose job it is to opine on the art of professional wrestling, I am highly entertained and want this to continue.
These two should not be this good at being this bad. Has Shayna Wayne even stepped foot in an acting class? How is this happening? How are they this good? Why is Nick Wayne dressed like a One Direction music video but worse? The Wayne family is pure evil. That is the only explanation. If there is a version of the Batman family in the Upside Down, this is it.
Christian Cage then went on to talk about Adam Copeland’s dead mother because Christian Cage reads obituaries like bums read wanted ads, and for some reason, three feet behind him, Nick Wayne is currently busy being the human equivalent of an unsolicited dick pic.
“Montreal was a big victory for me,” Christian said. “Not only did I score a victory in my match that night, but I also scored another way.” Christian then looked to Shayna Wayne, who I assume hired the prostitute.
“When I walked out of Montreal with my Matriarch,” Christian continued, “I walked out of Montreal with Mother Wayne.” (I was so close with calling her Momma Wayne.)
Side Note: Nick Wayne pressed his tongue into his cheek “blowjob” style while Christian Cage talked about scoring with his mom. IDK even know what to do with that. If only there were a piano big enough to fall on all three of them at once, that would be worth fifty bucks.
BIG BILL & RICKY STARKS INTERVIEW — HIT
Big, of the Bill family, compared diverticulitis to gingivitis, and Ricky Starks made a comment about Kenny Omega not having guts. For me, that was an effective promo because it certainly made me want to see them not hold the AEW Tag Team Championships any longer.
CHRIS JERICHO INTERRUPTS THE INTERVIEW — MINOR-MISS
Jericho’s promo was fine, I guess, but I was a little confused about whether or not he was saying there would be a tag team title match at Worlds (World’s?) End or not. Hopefully there will be.
BRODY KING vs. DANIEL GARCIA — HIT
This was another good match. (As far as quality goes, tonight’s matches are on a roll.) I was also very happy to see Daniel Garcia finally get a win in this tournament.
POST-MATCH SHENANIGANS — MINOR-HIT
The House of Black appeared via AEW’s EnergyStar initiative and beat up Daniel Garcia. This led to one of the most awkward moments on the show. During this uncomfortable moment, Daddy Magic pounced on Daniel Garcia and covered up Garcia’s head like he was trying to smother him in his armpit. For some reason, this act of molestation caused the House of Black to not attack Daddy Magic because they were probably as stunned by it as the rest of us.
FTR then ran (slowly) down to the ring, where they rescued Daddy Magic and his damsel in distress.
DAX HARWOOD CUTS A PROMO — HIT
“If you want me in your family, well, dammit, I’ll be your tequila-drinking uncle who beats everybody’s ass.”
That line sums this up nicely.
DOING THUNDER ROSA’S IN-RING RETURN IN A RANDOM TAG TEAM MATCH ON FREE TV ON THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE — MISS
This was one of the longest-awaited returns in women’s wrestling, and they did it at 9:30 p.m. on AEW Collision.
JULIA HART & SKYE BLUE vs. THUNDER ROSA & ABADON — HIT
I enjoyed this match. It wasn’t on the level of the earlier matches in the show, but it was still worthy of watching. Plus, I am ecstatic to see Thunder Rosa step between the ropes again, even if she did show a little bit of ring rust while doing so. TBH, I was worried we might never get to see Rosa wrestle again, and I can’t wait to find out what her next move will be. (Hopefully, a Toni Storm feud!)
Side Note: Kudos to Abadon for pulling off a perfectly executed hot tag. That was one of the best-performed hot tags I have ever seen.
EDDIE KINGSTON’S ENTRANCE — HIT
That entrance was so intense, a doorway peed itself somewhere.
I haven’t even seen this match yet, but I am so excited just by seeing Eddie Kingston be Eddie Kingston in public that I’m trying to keep my laptop from falling out of my lap because sitting on the edge of my seat requires tilting it a little.
ANDRADE EL IDOLO vs. EDDIE KINGSTON — HIT
There are a lot of reasons why this match was a good match, but do you know why it was a good match for me, personally? Because I went into this match 100 percent sure that Eddie Kingston would win it, but despite being right about that, by the halfway point in the match, I was no longer sure of anything.
BRYAN VON PIRATESON STARES DOWN EDDIE KINGSTON WHILE WEARING AN INVERSE MONOCLE — MINOR-HIT
I am hyped for this match. However, I wish that Bryan Danielson and Eddie Kingston had done something in this segment to add more fuel to the proverbial fire that is their feud. Still, given how angry I am with Danielson for putting that “Eddie Is A Bum” sign on Kingston’s chest at the start of this tournament, I’ll live.
If Eddie Kingston defeats Danielson, I’ll live happily.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This was an above-average episode of Collision. In fact, I would go so far as to say it was very good. Every match fired on all cylinders, and there wasn’t a dud among the bunch. While I was disappointed in the placement of Thunder Rosa’s debut and confused about the direction AEW appears to be taking The Acclaimed, I’m hopeful those things will work out in the end. If at any point during your Christmas break you decide you want to watch a show with at least three PPV quality matches, this is that show.
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
Best Match: Bryan Danielson vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Second Place: Eddie Kingston vs. Andrade El Idolo
Third Place: Brian Cage vs. Keith Lee
SHOW GRADE: A-
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, people used to light Christmas trees with actual candles and lived.
(David Bryant’s favorite bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; stories from David Bryant’s upcoming vacation will be posted to his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is currently threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of The Cure For The Common Cold, which was a music festival meant to raise money to cure the common cold, but it never happened because The Cure stopped making music in 2008. Less impressively, David Bryant studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: AEW Collision rating for the final Continental Classic round robin matches
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