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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
DECEMBER 16, 2023
GARLAND, TEXAS
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness, & Kevin Kelly
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my famed (using that term loosely) AEW Collision Hits & Misses column, which is the only Hits & Misses column that tells it like it isn’t. And by “tells it like it isn’t,” I mean everything in this column is my opinion, and that isn’t the same thing as sound advice because my opinion does not make sound unless you read it aloud, and I’m assuming most of my readers are adults.
Disclaimer: (This first paragraph was brought to you by the coherent writers of last week’s Swerve Strickland promo.)
COLD OPEN — HIT
Here are some highlights from this week’s cold open:
– Eddie Kingston’s promo was strategically mic’d by a microphone located slightly outside of the arena. Because of this, I have no idea what he said, but I assume it was a “Mega-Hit” because it came out of Eddie Kingston’s mouth hole, and Eddie Kingston is where talent comes from.
– Daniel Garcia cut a surprisingly good promo that, surprisingly, did not contain dancing.
– Brody King barked at me, and that tracks.
– Claudio Castagnoli told Andrade El Idolo that he was furious he tried to hurt Bryan Danielson during their recent wrestling match because Castagnoli has temporarily forgotten how wrestling works.
– Andrade El Idolo cut a promo from Tony Stark’s living room while wearing a jacket he borrowed from either a used car salesman who thinks that is what rich people wear or Vince McMahon.
– Bryan Danielson cut a promo while wearing a reverse monocle.
– Orange Cassidy does not know what a cold open is.
AEW COLLISION’S THEME SONG — STILL A HIT
Never change this.
TONI STORM APPEARS IN THE OPENING VIDEO — HIT
During last week’s opening video package, Toni Storm rolled around in the ring with her very deserved AEW Women’s World Championship belt, and the footage was presented in black and white, as it should be. This week, Toni Storm was featured striking a pose in the vein of Gloria Swanson if Gloria Swanson had struck a pose in the vein of the music video for Madonna’s Vogue.
ANDRADE EL IDOLO vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI — HIT
My biggest takeaway from this match was that Thunder Rosa is now on AEW’s Spanish announce team, which is relevant to this match because, OMG, it’s Thunder Rosa!
All jokes to the side (I prefer my jokes à la carte), this match was fantastic. Both of these men are not only brilliant wrestlers, but they are also brilliant storytellers (minus the ending.)
Side Note: Because I suffer from profound hearing loss, I rely on my boyfriend to make out the words in the chants that are chanted by the crowd, and he blew off watching this show to go do something less important that he referred to as “work.” As a result, I will not be able to accurately comment on what chants were being chanted during this show, but the crowd was not shy when it came to chanting tonight.
That said, while I do not promise to be 100-percent accurate, I will at least make an attempt to guess tonight’s chants so that you have a good idea of where the crowd’s collective head was throughout the show. For starters, whenever Andrade El Idolo and Claudio Castagnoli exchanged punches, I was able to make out dueling chants of “Hey!” and “You!”
ENDING TO THE ANDRADE vs. CASTAGNOLI MATCH — MISS
For some reason, AEW decided to have Castagnoli win this match by kicking Andrade in his baby-batter bits, and because of that, an outstanding match had its significance sucked out by whatever Energy Vampire is writing these match endings.
RECAP VIDEO OF LAST WEEK’S DYNAMITE — MEGA-HIT
This made the happening of last week’s Dynamite look like a million bucks. Do this more often.
ABADON vs. JAZMIN ALLURE — MEGA-HIT
This was a simple squash match, but it was also a “Mega-Hit because Abadon is one of AEW’s most entertaining personalities.
Side Note: Did you know that squashes are so horny they cross-pollinate, regardless of species. Unless you keep all variants of squash at least 1,500 meters apart, you will end up with inter-bred squash.
JULIA HART CONFRONTS ABADON — HIT
AEW continued its EnergyStar initiative with another rolling power outage, and Julia Hart used AEW’s ultraism as an opportunity to sneak into the ring. There, she taunted Abadon by waving her TBS Championship belt in Abadon’s face. Abadon responded by attacking Hart and taking the belt away from her.
THE DEBUT OF SKYE BLACK — MEGA-HIT
Just as Julia Hart started to gain the upper hand in her brawl with Abadon, Skye Blue came out to “save” Abadon. However, not yet noticing that Skye Blue was wearing Julia Hart’s wardrobe, Abadon mistakenly believed Blue had come out to help her fend off Hart. However, SYKE! (…which is how I assume Skye Blue spells “psych”) Skye Blue, it turns out, is actually Skye Black.
THUNDER ROSA BECOMES A PART OF IT — MEGA-HIT
Thunder Rosa has finally returned! Holy Takesh—a!
*SPOILER ALERT*
Upon seeing Thunder Rosa, the crowd chanted, “Belle comes back!” because I assume they wanted to spoil the ending of Beauty and the Beast for Thunder Rosa.
THE ACCLAIMED RETURNS — HIT
This was a good return promo, except for Max Caster deciding he no longer wants to do butt stuff with MJF. (Boo!)
(Just kidding; dropping that was probably the wisest choice.)
SPIDERMAN, HIS BROTHER, and ACTION ANDRETTI INTERRUPT THE ACCLAIMED — MINOR-HIT
During this promo, Dante Martin said that Team Spidey wanted to clarify that they were not the ones who attacked The Acclaimed. (Were they accused of that?)
Also, Dante Martin did not wear a shirt, which is good. That was a good decision. Lives were probably saved.
ORANGE CASSIDY vs. BRYAN KEITH — HIT
Bryan Keith won an International title shot by showing up but not being under contract yet or anything, and the resulting match was stellar.
Side note: During Bryan Keith’s International Championship Match, a fan in the audience held up a sign reading, “Sign Bryan Keith,” which made me wonder, “If this match were real, what would have happened if Keith had won the title but not wanted to sign a contract with AEW?”
MIRO CUTS A PROMO — HIT
Live from inside a film projector, Miro cut a promo in which he threatened to destroy Andrade El Idolo. (Didn’t he literally promise his wife not to do that one specific thing?)
KOMMANDER IS INTERVIEWED BY LEXI NAIR, BUT THEY GET INTERRUPTED BY RODERICK STRONG — MINOR-MISS
KOMMMAAANDER!!!!!
That was neither pleasant nor necessary.
LEXI NAIR’S DRESS — MEGA-HIT
This wine-colored leather (or possibly pleather) gown was worthy of a red-carpeted catwalk. Nair paired her well-chosen, VMA-ready outfit with matching burgundy lipstick, a burnt-gold necklace, and complimentary silver earrings. Altogether, this combination of fashionistic genius created a copper-glazed look that distracted me from Roderick Strong’s yelling.
FTR CUTS A PROMO — MEGA-HIT
FTR proved that they are not only two of the best wrestlers to have ever lived, but they are also fantastic mic-technicians.
During this promo, Dax Harwood said, “You may say we’re not the best-looking guys in the world, and you may say we don’t have the best bodies in the world.” The entire time he spoke those two sentences, all I could think about was, “Thank God my boyfriend isn’t watching tonight because he would have passed out from cognitive dissonance.”
Also, thank God my boyfriend does lust wrong because if he didn’t, I’d be single.
THE HOUSE OF BLACK RESPONDS TO FTR (BUDDY MATTHEW’S PORTION) — HIT
Coinciding with another of AEW’s “EnergyStar moments,” The House of Black appeared on the big screen, and Buddy Matthews hit Cash Wheeler with a low-blow of a line when he said, “Everyone loves Dax, but who loves you?”
Ouch. Yikes. My baby-batter bits felt that one through my phone screen.
THE HOUSE OF BLACK RESPONDS TO FTR (MALAKAI BLACK’S PORTION) — HIT
Malakai Black explained that, much like my boyfriend (who will break up with me when he reads this), he is in love with FTR.
KIETH LEE IS INTERVIEWED BY LEXI NAIR AS PART OF A VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
One night removed from one of Keith Lee’s best AEW/Modern-ROH matches, Lee poked and prodded at Shane Taylor, thus setting up the next chapter in their unfolding saga.
Most importantly, Lexi Nair was no longer wearing her critically acclaimed outfit.
KRIS STATLANDER & WILLOW NIGHTINGALE vs. MERCEDES MARTINEZ & DIAMANTE IN A TEXAS STREET FIGHT — HIT
Kris Statlander and Willow Nightingale came out in Pulp Fiction-themed attire, and it looked so good on them. I think Kris Statlander has finally found the look she needs to set herself apart and make her out-of-ring work as fascinating as her in-ring work.
As for the match itself, this match was entertaining, and the crowd ate it up. There were a couple of spots that didn’t go as planned — most notably, Diamante was unable to break a wooden sign with her spine despite trying three times, so Nightingale stomped through it instead. However, despite one or two minor hiccups, this was still a very fun match for the kinds of people who are into these kinds of matches.
THE ADVERTISEMENT OF THE AFOREMENTIONED TEXAS STREET FIGHT — MEGA-MISS
A match of this caliber should have been extensively advertised in advance, and by extensively, I don’t mean Twitter.
TONI STORM & MARIAH MAY ARE INTERVIEWED BY RENEE YOUNG — MEGA-MEGA-HIT
International treasure and testament to the human race, Toni Storm, told her potential number one contenders, Riho & Saraya, “Go out there and slap each other’s tits off, gouge each other’s eyes out, and rip each other’s hair off, and at World’s End, I’ll be facing one of two tit-less, blind baldies.”
Wow.
HYPE VIDEO FOR ADAM COPELAND & CHRISTIAN’S REMATCH — HIT
International trickster and testament to human excrement, Christian Cage, will be facing his former brother (because that is how families work in professional wrestling) at World’s End, and if built up correctly, this match could end up being the match that sells that show.
BRIAN CAGE vs. KARI WRIGHT — HIT
Did you know squash was first cultivated in Central Mexico, Peru, and the Eastern United States in 8,000 BCE, which is only one letter removed from BCC and therefore relevant to this show?
BRIAN CAGE & COMPANY ARE INTERVIEWED BY LEXI NAIR — HIT
Lexi Nair has returned to her critically acclaimed outfit.
DANIEL GARCIA vs. EDDIE KINGSTON — MEGA-HIT
This match told the story of the musical “Footloose,” and Daniel Garcia wants us all to know, “This is our time to dance.” However, this was not his time to win.
Side note: During this match, a fan in the crowd was holding up a “Sexy Dad Bod” sign, and I think I know what my boyfriend meant when he said he was “going to work.”
Second Side Note: During this match, the crowd chanted “Teddy” at Eddie Kingston to inspire him by reminding him of the life story of the retired referee and former WWE General Manager, Teddy Long.
DADDY MAGIC ON COMMENTARY — MEGA-HIT
This could be a future career path.
BRYAN DANIELSON vs. BRODY KING — MEGA-HIT
Tonight, we learned that Bryan Danielson’s face thong has a maxi-pad underneath it, and I hope Danielson is actually cleared rather than “cleared” because I do not want Danielson’s last year of wrestling to be highlighted by his skull caving in.
That said, what a match! This match was AWESOME!
Side Note: There were loud chants for my senior year mathematics teacher, “Mrs. Blossom.” She sure has taught a lot of students.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This was one of AEW Collision’s better episodes. I really appreciate the in-ring effort put forth in all of this week’s major matches, and it is nice to see a slightly greater inclusion of storylines compared to last week.
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS
If you only have time to watch one match, watch Bryan Danielson vs. Brody King. If you have time to watch two matches, check out Eddie Kingston vs. Daniel Garcia, and if you have time for three, add Claudio Castagnoli vs. Andrade El Idolo to the mix.
SHOW GRADE: B+
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, Christmas time is a time for visiting family and making sure all of your pee goes into the toilet when you do so.
(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a picture of David Bryant figure skating while juggling can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first “thought-bubble hat,” which was quickly discontinued due to rising divorce rates. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
RECOMMENDED NEXT: MOVIE REVIEW: “The Iron Claw” based on the Von Erich wrestling family tragedies including MJF
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: CJ Perry missed AEW Collision due to a medical issue
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