AEW COLLISION HITS & MISSES (10/21): Danielson vs. Andrade, House of Black returns, Caster used to be cool, Memphis Street Fight, Jim Ross, more

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Welcome back to another edition of my critically-complained AEW Collision Hits & Misses column, which is the only Hits & Misses column that is complained about by people who think mustard wrestling is a good idea.

Before I start this absolute clown-cluster of an opinion-fest, I want to take a minute to thank Wade Keller for allowing me to miss last week due to the death of someone very close to me and my family. I missed writing for you all, and I’m glad to be back.

Side Note: Of all the weeks for Christian Cage to wrestle in a main event TNT Title match, it had to be the week I missed. *shakes fist at sky*

Anyway, back to my critically complained column…

NO COLD OPEN — MINOR-MISS

– I loved the “soundbite” cold opens AEW Collision used to offer way back in the old days of two weeks ago. I hope Collision’s cold opens will return because with so little build for some of these matches, opening the show with short promos was a good way to make the evening’s happenings feel meaningful.

Side Note: To be fair, I have no idea what the ratings for these cold opens were. If they were bombing, it would make sense to remove them, and so, if that is the case, my point is moot.

BRYAN DANIELSON VS. ANDRADE EL IDOLO — HIT

Earlier in the week, Tony Khan had announced that he would make an announcement on AEW Rampage about an upcoming dream match that would take place on AEW Collision. (If that sentence sounds confusing to you, you’re not alone.) This was that match.

Before the match, we got a “this is awesome” chant for the bell ringing, which sounded pleasant enough on TV, but it was apparently mind-blowing in the arena. While the crowd was busy chanting for the bell, I personally thought the match itself was awesome, and therefore, I’m labeling this segment a “hit.”

However, as awesome as this match was, I feel like we’re starting to water down the term “dream match.” It’s not that dream matches are bad — they’re usually good — but Tony Khan is literally one “dream match” announcement away from me assuming he books his shows while sleeping (and given how the ratings are going… maybe?)

Side Note: Andrade El Idolo entered wearing a mask that looked like King from “Owl House,” and I marked out for that. “Owl House” is good, and it should be brought back for a fourth season.

MALAKIA BLACK RETURNS TO TAKE DOWN DANIELSON — MEGA-HIT

Now THIS is a personal dream match, and not just because, much like Tony Khan, I have tiny dreams each time I blink. No, this is a dream match because I actually had a dream about it once upon a time, and it involved a giant bunny. So, my advice is to put this one on PPV, give it lots of time, and make the bunny (not The Bunny) a guest referee.

DARBY ALLIN PROMO VIDEO — HIT

Darby Allin is killing it with his recent promos, and I prefer that to him killing himself, which seems to be a long-term goal. There were a lot of good lines in this promo, but I particularly liked this line: “When you’re on your death bed, Nick, none of their words are going to matter.” On one of Wade Keller’s podcasts many years ago, he once said something similar to that line in regards to bullies and bullying. It stuck with me, and it is good advice. I liked hearing Darby Allin lay down his own version of that philosophy tonight.

Side note: Since turning heel, Nick Wayne has been killing it with his facial expressions. I feel like an idiot for having been lukewarm on him when he first arrived. I had no idea he would end up being so good at playing a well-dressed a—hole. Strangely, the well-dressed part is adding to his overall a—holery, and I can’t put my finger on why.

Anyway, this heel version of Wayne is coming together so nicely that when I saw Wayne broke his tooth on Dynamite, my first reaction was, “Serves him right!” before feeling guilty because Nick Wayne is also a real person, and I hope Britt Baker was able to fix that.

SKYE BLUE VS. HOLLYHOOD HALEY — MINOR-HIT

I’m enjoying Skye Blue’s journey into the depths of evil, and the evolution of her eye makeup is a nice nod to what happened to Julia Hart. Speaking of what happened with Julia Hart, AEW should consider putting together a video package to remind its viewers of Hart’s transformation because most of it happened on Dark Elevation.

Hollyhood Haley (Grammarly thinks her name is a typo.) made a great foil for Blue with her Barbie-pink look, and while some of her wrestling moves were over-exaggerated, she was charismatic, and I appreciated the way she used her facial expressions to rally the crowd near the end of the match.

Side Note: Skye Blue should consider using white contacts, or better yet, white-walker blue contacts!

THE GUNN CLUB VS. OUTRUNNERS — MINOR-MISS

The match itself was okay, but Jay White’s stolen belt angle reminds me of an episode of “Gravity Falls” in which Grunkle Stan lost his home because Gideon stole the deed to his property.

Side Note: Unlike Gravity Falls, AEW is not a cartoon.

TWO SQUASHES BACK-TO-BACK — MISS

It’s best not to be repetitive. Being repetitive can be tedious and boring. It’s not that there is anything wrong with doing something more than once, but repeating something back-to-back feels like a lazy copy-and-paste job.

TWO BLACKOUTS ON THE SAME SHOW — DOUBLE-MISS

POST-MATCH DEVIL VIDEO — MINOR-HIT

While I don’t love the low IQ aspects of this angle, I’d much rather the White vs. MJF storyline revolve around this than a stolen title belt, so I’m going to go with labeling this a “minor-hit.”

ORANGE CASSIDY BACKSTAGE INTERVIEW — HIT

I loved this setup…

STATLANDER NEEDS A PUMP — MEGA-HIT

…and I loved the punchline even more.

Side Note: While this was definitely a departure from the Kris Statlander character we’re used to seeing, it was quite funny, and this particular brand of humor might just be the personality enhancement Statlander desperately needs.

LEXI NAIR CONTINUING HER INTERVIEW WHILE BEING WEIGHT-LIFTED — HIT

Finally, a wrestling reporter who takes her job seriously.

EDDIE KINGSTON VS. JEFF JARRETT — MEGA-MISS

What is a Memphis Street Fight? Before this match, I assumed it involved hitting someone in the head with a Jerry Lawler Comic Book about Elvis, but as it turns out, it is not. Instead, it is something even dumber.

This match contained:

Hot dogs in a cooler.
Trash cans full of cardboard but no trash or anything.
A concession stand in the audience.
A concession stand in the audience that was on the wrong side of the barricade.
A concession stand in the audience that was on the wrong side of the barricade and consisted of a folding table, a picnic-themed tablecloth, and no way to take money.
A lead pipe that was swung in the most ineffectual manner possible.
Eddie Kingston, a man who once tried to end Bryan Danielson by setting him on fire, trying to end Jeff Jarrett by covering him in mustard.
Karen Jarrett (Queen of the Karens) slapping a food-covered Eddie Kingston, who, and I cannot emphasize this part enough, is your current reigning Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion.

Eddie Kingston is above this. I’m not saying he is above losing a match to a legend like Jeff Jarrett, and I’m certainly not saying he is above wrestling in a hardcore match. (Hardcore matches are 30 percent of Eddie Kingston’s dating profile.) However, I am saying that Eddie Kingston, one of my favorite performers, is absolutely, unequivocally, and without question above participating in a match that looks like what would happen if “Double Dare” were violent.

At one point during this match, Tony Schiavone said, “This was everything we thought this would be!” which, if true, makes me want to say the words f—k, s—, g—d—t, and you motherf—ing s— of a b—.

Side Note: Memphis is a beautiful place (most of Tennessee is), but it is not a place I associate with street fights that do not involve Al Snow, Hardcore Holly, and the Mississippi River.

Second Side Note: My favorite Memphis street fight will forever be Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Mississippi River.

Third Side Note: Someone needs to contact a Hollywood prop company and buy a foam lead pipe because they make ones that look very realistic and can actually be swung.

Fourth Side Note: No matter how much you dislike Jeff Jarrett, you gotta love his “pre-pin” celebrations that always cost him the pinfall.

Fifth Side Note: No matter how much you love Jeff Jarret’s “pre-pin” celebrations that always cost him the pinfall, it is still impossible to love this match.

THE ACCLAIMED PROMO — MINOR-MISS

Remember when Max Caster used to be cool?

C.J. PERRY’S RINGSIDE PERFORMANCE — HIT

I liked C.J. Perry’s pre- and post-match interactions with Miro, even if I’m not big on her flirting with Action Andretti. TBH, Action Andretti isn’t a good fit for Perry, but you know who would be a good fit for Perry? Jack Perry. IMHO, C.J. Perry should manage a returning Jack Perry under the name Perry & Perry, and they should both dress like lawyers.

Side Note: I sometimes give bad advice on purpose.

MIRO VS. ACTION ANDRETTI — HIT

Miro is so entertaining that even his extended squashes are fun to watch.

THE BOYBAND FORMERLY KNOWN AS J.A.S. IN AN INTERVIEW — HIT

Anna Jay is getting better and better at cutting promos, and Daddy Magic is already one of the best promos in AEW.

Side Note: I loved Lexi Nair asking the director, “Guys, do we still have time?” after she was interrupted during her interview. Things like that take very little time to add to the show and provide at least some semblance of realism.

RUBY SOHO AND COOL HANDS ANG INTERACTION — MINOR-HIT

I feel like I’m missing something, but I liked it.

Side Note: I would ideally like to not feel like I’m missing something.

RUBY SOHO’S PROMO — MEGA-HIT

“You know who deserves a championship? Ruby Soho,” Soho said.

AMEN! You do deserve it. You deserve it so much. Hold onto that belief, and let it lead you to an astounding victory!

Side Note: I saw some confusion online about whether or not Soho was asking for a title shot during this promo. I was under the impression that Soho was already aware that she was getting a title shot and was saying she would win her upcoming match because she was newly motivated by realizing how much she deserved to win.

RUSH. BUT THIS TIME, DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER NOLAN — MEGA-MISS

Still, no.

Side Note: Also, don’t run two “I deserve it” themed promos back-to-back.

EDDIE KINGSTON CUTS A PROMO — MEGA-HIT

I loved this. I even liked that the doctor stepped aside during Kingston’s promo rather than continuing to randomly pat down his face like she was powdering makeup. (That may seem like an obvious thing for a doctor to do, but AEW’s other backstage doctors seem to think doctoring involves touching wrestlers in random spots and making sure MJF’s eyeballs get oxygen.)

Side Note: I could have done without the doctor almost cracking up when Kingston stumbled at the end. It’s not nice to laugh at your patients.

FTR VS. BAD THAD BROWN & DARIAN BENGSTON — N/A

I’ve dated a boy named Darian!

Side Note: That is all I got out of this before the lights went out… again.

THE LIGHTS WENT OUT A THIRD TIME — TRIPLE-MISS

THE ANNOUNCERS REACTION TO THE LIGHTS GOING OUT A THIRD TIME — HIT

Some quotes I enjoyed:

“Going very heavy with the lights tonight.”
“Oh, come on! Not again.”

Side Note: I get that the lights going out are The House of Black’s thing, and I’m fine with that, but if you’re going to have The House of Black come out multiple times in one show, do not do an “extra” lights out for another act.

THE HOUSE OF BLACK’S FULL-FLEDGED RETURN — HIT

Just in time for Halloween!

RICKY STARKS & BIG BILL VS. WHEELER YUTA & CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI — HIT

This was a fantastic match, and I appreciate AEW giving this match time to breathe. However, I wish AEW had given this match more build and hype because (a) Ricky Starks & Big Bill deserve it, and (b) the fans deserve it.

Side Note: Ruby Soho also deserves it. She deserves it so much.

HOUSE OF BLACK CONFRONTS BIG BILL & RICKY STARKS W/ FTR INVOLVED — HIT

I do not usually enjoy ten-man cluster-matches, but this potential cluster-match will involve FTR. Because of that, this one will be amazing. Speaking of amazing…

THE RETURN OF JON MOXLEY — HIT

The crowd’s reaction to this was amazing.

JIM ROSS’S COMMENTARY — HIT

Jim Ross sounded like a breath of fresh air tonight, and I wish we got to hear his commentary more often.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Despite having two very good matches and the return of The House of Black, this was AEW’s worst episode of Collision since C.M. Punk left. I think Tony Khan made the right decision to release C.M. Punk, but a part of me wishes Punk could still oversee Collision via his phone and a mild-mannered mediator.

SHOW GRADE: C

Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, frantically pushing the elevator button doesn’t make it arrive faster.

(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a picture of David Bryant bending over backwards can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first boom box that actually explodes because truth in advertising matters. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)

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