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The following report was originally published 20 years ago this week here at PWTorch.com…
WWE Smackdown review
October 16, 2003
Taped on 10/14/03 in Cincinnati, Ohio
Aired on UPN
Report by Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Assists Leader
Will Smackdown achieve the standard this week?
The Big Picture: Smackdown has been steadily losing steam the past several weeks. This will be a truly telling episode. The No Mercy pay-per-view is a mere three days away, and this will generally be their last opportunity to really sell the show. Can they do it? Or will this show be another piece of crap? Time will tell. On to the show. . .
We start with Stephanie’s glowing face staring back at us. She is talking about her father, and her upcoming match with her father at the PPV. She really hopes it’s not her last night. That makes one of us. There will be more of this interview later in the show.
Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to tonight’s show. They elaborate on what I had already said, about that whole Stephanie McMahon interview thing coming up. I’m already regretting doing this for the Karate Guru.
Cena’s music plays, but it’s not the Doctor of Thugalology. No, my friends, it’s actually Kurt Angle, dressed as Cena (Mark Brunell jersey, visor hat). Angle busts out a Cena-style rap, but I guess it’s Lipinski’s job tonight of transcribing that shiznit. “Cena” claims he is going to beat Angle at the PPV. Angle’s music hits, and a midget dressed as Angle comes out. This is truly surreal. Mini Angle does the whole Angle schtick. Tazz: “I love midgets, Cole.” “Cena” tells “Angle” that he isn’t half the man he is. Angle (whatever) grabs the mic: “John Cena-you’re a wiener.” Cena (I don’t even care anymore, just go with it) heads for higher ground, and Angle leads the crowd in a delightful little ditty: “When I say Cena, you say wiener.” And they do. Cena reluctantly steps back into the ring. I’d be scared too. Cena lunges at Angle, and misses. Angle applies the ankle lock. I can’t believe I’m calling this straight faced. The real John Cena comes out, and he is mizad. I am too. Now I can’t call the midget Angle, and I can’t call Angle Cena. The Real Cena gets all up in Kurt’s face, but the midget hits a low blow (one of my pet peeves) and Angle eventually hits the Angle Slam. Cena hightails it. The midget imitates Angle, and then Angle, uh, imitates Angle. I have no idea which way is up anymore.
(1) Chris Benoit defeated Doug Basham (with Danny Basham). Cole explains that the lovely and talented Shaniqua is not at ringside because she is still selling the Bradshaw Clothesline From Hell. Benoit goes for the Crossface early, but Basham gets to the ropes. Basham gets a jawbreaker to shift momentum. Benoit tosses Doug over the top rope and to the outside, and does not get disqualified~! Benoit attempts a jump through the top and middle ropes onto the Bashams, but they move out of the way. Basham hits a couple legdrops and gets a two count. I remember when one legdrop would finish ya. Basham misses a legdrop off the top rope, but he’s too hurt to capitalize. Back up, Benoit hits a couple running back elbows for two. German suplex by Benoit. Danny tosses a chair into the ring and distracts the ref. Doug attempts to use it, but Benoit dropkicks it into his face. With the ref distracted, the Bashams pull the old switcheroo. Benoit attempts the diving headbutt but Danny manages to move out of the way. (Maybe ’cause he’s fresh.) He only gets two on the immediate cover. Danny tastes three Germans. The Bashams switch again, this time RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF~! and Benoit locks in the Crossface on Doug to get the victory.
After the match, A-Train hits the ring and jumps Benoit. A whole mess of referees try to keep them apart, but nothing can stop their fury. A-Trocious stomps away at Benoit, and refs finally manage to get Benoit out of the ring and away from him. Good gravy, I’m not looking forward to that match.
Grade: 2(Nearing standard) A very well executed little match. Everything Benoit does is so good, and so believable looking. It’s just the little matter of the Bashams switching right in front of the referee, and the referee doing approximately Jack Diddley about it. Insanity.
We go the aforementioned sit-down interview Michael Cole (a/k/a Todd Pettengill 2K3) had with Stephanie McMahon. It is announced that Vince has banned Steph from the arena tonight. Steph thinks it’s unfortunate, and wants to thank her millions of fans for the support they have given her throughout all this. Stephanie reads the Gettysburg Address about three or four times in this segment. Seriously, I feel like I’m ready for retirement now, after watching this atrocity.
Here’s the gist, in short form: Steph is taking on Vince on Sunday night at the PPV in the first ever father/daughter I Quit match. If she loses, she is no longer the Smackdown General Manager. If Vince loses, he will no longer be the Chairman of WWE. There you go. And, it’s important, because it’s the first time a father has ever taken on a daughter. It’s supposed to be despicable that it had to come to this.
We’re supposed to feel sorry for Steph, for having to go through with this, but admire her because (a) She is The Goddess of Professional Wrestling, and (b) she is so determined that she is willing to go through with this. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we are supposed to hate Vince for having the audacity to force Steph into this situation, ignoring the fact that she totally didn’t have to go through with this, and could have simply stepped down, instead of facing a guy who is like twice her size and could beat the living what what out of her.
I refuse to transcribe this interview in any kind of serious way. This took up like 15-20 minutes of air time. Stephanie McMahon gobbled air time that could have gone to any professional wrestler on the roster. Anyone. Just not here. It’s bad enough that they are going through this match. It’s bad enough that they are making us pay 35 bucks to see the PPV, and hyping this match as the main selling point. But, to gobble 20 minutes of television time, well, it’s just the final straw. This whole McEgo Trip has gone way too far. Interview over, and back in the arena, Tazz and Cole are putting over the significance of the match. They do a good job, but I still puke.
Backstage, Jamie Noble and Nidia are TALKING ABOUT THE VINCE-STEPH MATCH. Good grief. Tajiri is eavesdropping. Noble claims that the show would be a lot better without Vince McMahon, and he hopes Stephanie wins the match on Sunday. Tajiri goes to snitch to Vince. Vince sets up a match between Tajiri and Noble NEXT~! Vince claims Tajiri is going to do something to Jamie Noble that we’ve never, ever seen before. Vince can be so great.
(2) Tajiri wrestled Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) to a no contest to retain the Cruiserweight Title. Nidia’s looking especially decent tonight. Noble drops the leg and gets a two count. He must not have been watching the previous match, or else he would have known that legdrops don’t get pins. Tajiri gets a well-placed kick right to the head. I love his kicks. Tajiri works over Noble’s left knee. Noble somehow gets a roll up for two. Noble catches Tajiri charging and gets a powerslam for two. Noble blocks the handspring elbow. Tajiri grabs the title belt, but Nidia tries to stop him from using it. Tajiri sprays the mist right in her face. She looked like some kind of creature with the mist all over the face, or like Ric Flair on that pay-per-view in 1995 when he was dressed as a woman with makeup and the whole works. Anyway, Nidia sells it like she got maced or something, as we go to a commercial break.
Grade: 1(Below standard) I hate dirty finishes. The match itself was pretty good, and both are very good workers. But, there’s no excuse for a no contest.
Back from break, and we are backstage. Nidia is being attended to, and she’s still selling. The mist must be burning her eyes! I guess this is why people are supposed to sell the mist. Actually, I’m used to people selling it like they’re dead. Noble makes his way back to the ring. He mad. He challenges Tajiri to come out and finish this thing, or else he’s going to go to the back and hunt him down. Tajiri doesn’t come out, so Noble goes to search for him. On his way to back, Noble is attacked by Brock Lesnar. Lesnar beats the holy crap out of him, which when you think about it, is exactly the right way to make the cruiserweights look like serious threats. Lesnar hits the F-5 on Noble on the floor.
Vince McMahon and Sable hit the ring. Vince puts down Stephanie’s “performance.” He calls it Academy Award winning, and he must truly be delusional to think his daughter is that good of an actor. Stephanie must not have finished the fourth time through the Gettysburg Address, because Vince is out here to finish it and go through it a fifth time. Vince: “If you truly care about someone, you will hurt them, and hurt them badly. And that’s what I am going to do to Stephanie.” Vince “knows” a lot of people are hoping for some sort of a miracle to happen, where Steph beats him. No we’re not.
Vince claims that all the people in the crowd want to be millionaires, just like him, but they’re too lazy to earn it, so they play the lottery. Not true. I haven’t completely ruled out the hope that someone will drive by my house and toss a briefcase full of money out of their window. Vince shudders to think of the physical abuse that he will lay down upon his own flesh and blood. In case you didn’t know, Vince will be taking on Stephanie in the first ever father/daughter I Quit match at the PPV. You might not have known, is all. Vince: “May God have mercy on your soul, because I won’t.” Vince can be so great.
Sable grabs the mic and claims she is very honored to be in Vince’s corner at the PPV. She is looking particularly smoking tonight. Sable taunts Linda, who will be in Steph’s corner at the PPV, talking about how she knows how to truly satisfy Vince, and Linda can’t. I don’t think they realize that we don’t want to see Sable fawning over Vince. We just want to see her strip. Sexist? Maybe. But it pays to know what your audience wants. Vince and Sable kiss, and I puke once again.
Clips are of WWE in Germany and England.
(3) Eddie Guerrero defeated Rhyno in a non-title match to retain the U.S. Title.
Tazz points out that it is a good thing Eddie is not driving a poo poo truck to the ring. Boo boo face in the Torch newsletter a few weeks ago. And now poo poo truck on Smackdown? “Highlights” air of last week’s poo poo truck angle. No comments necessary. Cole puts over the fact that even though Rhyno can’t win the U.S. Title in this match, he put himself right in title contention with a win. Good announcing is much appreciated. Rhyno nails Eddie face first into the top turnbuckle from the powerbomb position in a nice spot. Rhyno plants Guerrero for two. Rhyno hits a gutbuster for two. Rhyno has the title belt, but the referee catches him with it. While distracted, Rhyno gets hit with a nice Guerrero dropkick. Guerrero hits the rolling verticals. Rhyno catches Guerrero going for the frog splash by putting his knees up. And. . . we go to commercial. I hate that so much.
We come back and Rhyno has the sharpshooter on Eddie. No wonder Bret likes the guy. The announcers talk about how Eddie might have to tap it out, to save himself for the title match on Sunday. More good announcing. Eddie gets out of it, but Rhyno stays on the offensive. Eddie gets some clotheslines and a back elbow. Guerrero goes for something off the top rope but Rhyno catches him. Rhyno hits a nice superplex, causing more damage to Eddie’s back. It gets two. Guerrero gets a huracanrana for two. Rhyno tosses Guerrero to the outside. With the ref distracted, Eddie unties his boot, puts the ring bell hammer inside his boot, and laces it back up. Something fishy gonna happen, I know dat. The hammer pretty obviously sticks out of Guerrero’s boot and Tazz points it out. Guerrero pulls the ref in front of the Gore and tosses the hammer to Rhyno. The ref catches him with it and is distracted. With the ref’s back turned, Guerrero hits Rhyno with the title belt, which enables him to get the victory.
Grade: 3(Meets the standard) This was a great match. Rhyno is pretty underrated as far as workrate goes. It’s just his interviews I don’t like. Guerrero, as per usual, was superb here. And the finish was another classic Guerrero-style finish.
After the match, the angry giant Big Show comes out with a lead pipe and smashes the back window of Guerrero’s low rider. He lays out Eddie and slobbers all over the place. He then proceeds to systematically smash all the windows on the low rider. Well, if I had a pipe, I would too. Show sends Guerrero for a ride, up the hood and into the windshield. Guerrero gets cut up pretty badly. Show powerbombs Guerrero off the hood of the low rider. Is he done? No, my friends. Show lays Guerrero on top of the vehicle and climbs up himself. Eddie gets chokeslammed on the roof. Show gets all in Eddie’s face, and for a moment it looks like they’re going to kiss. That’s going to sell the pay-per-view.
Back from break, and they show clips of Eddie getting helped to the back. Little stuff like that, I really like.
(4) Rey Mysterio defeated Johnny Stamboli (with Nunzio & Chuck Palumbo).
Well, at least Stamboli came out to the ring with them. The referee immediately sent Nunzio and Palumbo back to the back. No numbers game tonight, unfortunately. Tazz points out that Johnny is called “The Bull” because “he’s strong like a bull.” Huh, I was wondering about that. Stamboli ties Mysterio up in the Tree of Woe, but Mysterio moves out of the way of the charge. Mysterio hits a nice corkscrew moonsault for two. Mysterio hits a dropkick to the knees and a springboard senton for two. Stamboli hits a nice side slam for two. Mysterio counters something by Stamboli by hitting a dropkick. Johnny The Bull catches the 6-1-9 and hits a backbreaker. Mysterio, however, gets the West Coast Pop for the victory.
Grade: 2 (Nearing standard) Mysterio is a great worker, and his match against Tajiri at the PPV could be excellent, but there’s only so much one man can do with Stamboli. It was solid, all in all.
Backstage, Matt Hardy presents Shannon Moore with a picture of himself. He wants Shannon to hold the picture up proudly on Sunday, as he defeats Nut Zach Gowen for a second time. Out comes Big Bad John, of OVW fame, who has a tape of himself for Stephanie to watch. Matt takes the tape, assuring him that he will give the tape to whoever is in control after Sunday’s PPV. John thanks him and walks away. Matt tosses the videotape in the trash. What a meanie. Version 1!
No Mercy line-up: Vince vs. Steph in a father/daughter I Quit It Takes Two To Tango How Many Stipulations And Features Can You Possibly Add To A Match? match. Also, Tajiri vs. Rey Mysterio for the Cruiserweight Title, Kurt Angle vs. John Cena, Chris Benoit vs. A-Train, Eddie Guerrero vs. Big Show for the U.S. Title, Nut Zach Gowen vs. Matt Hardy, and Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker for the WWE Title in a Biker Chain Match.
What, pray tell, is a Biker Chain Match? What are the rules? Well, while I was pondering this ponderable, we go to Undertaker himself. Hey, maybe he can explain this better! Basically, two guys start fighting, when one guy is knocked down, the other guy can go for the chain, which will be suspended above the ring. Then, you use the chain to beat your opponent’s skull in. Undertaker: “The chain itself isn’t dangerous. The person swinging the chain is what makes it dangerous.” Gotcha. He is more ready, mentally and physically, than he has ever been to be the champion. Then, THEY ASK HIM ABOUT THE VINCE VS. STEPH MATCH. This madness just has to stop. This royal treatment should only be used for special title matches. Sweet sassy molassy. Brock Lesnar jumps Taker and ties a chain around his neck. He’s dragging him off camera as we go to commercial, in the 5,699th time we’ve gone to break tonight in the middle of something.
Back from break, and Lesnar is taking it to the Undertaker. Lesnar still has that chain tied around Taker’s neck. Taker valiantly tries to fight back, but Lesnar pretty much has his way with him, what with the chain around his neck and all. Taker gets tossed into the 3,481 pound steel ringsteps. And then into the ringpost. Lesnar then hangs Taker with the chain and starts kicking at him. Taker attempts to kick his way out of the situation, but Lesnar manages to maintain control for several minutes. Taker turns several colors other than which nature intended, but finally manages to kick his way out of it and roll into the ring. Lesnar hits a clothesline and chokes out Taker inside the ring. Taker hits a desperation chokeslam and gets the chain off from around his neck. Lesnar heads for higher ground as the show fades to black.
Giebink’s reaction: Well, I think whether or not you liked this show is mostly dependent upon whether or not you’re actually looking forward to seeing Vince take on Stephanie. Because, with God as my witness, this entire show was booked to push that particular match to the moon, and not much else. The opening angle with Angle, Cena and the midget was surreal, funny and effective at the same time. But after that, neither wrestler was seen or heard from again. We certainly heard a bit more from Stephanie, what with the ego fest interview, the Vince interview, and several other wrestlers talking about the match, it’s obviously apparent which match WWE thinks will sell the pay-per-view. I think they’re dead wrong, but for their sake, I hope I am the one that’s wrong. The closing segment did a nice job of establishing that both Lesnar and Taker will do whatever it takes to defeat the other. The severity of the chain stipulation was hammered home nicely. But, as with everything on WWE TV these days, it all revolves around the McMahons.
Drum roll please. . .
There were four (count ’em) matches for a total of 16 available points to be had for Smackdown this week. Smackdown scored an 8, giving it an F. At least, I think it’s an F. Not quite sure exactly how Sean determines that, but I really don’t care. I would have given this show an F under my Velocity grading system anyway, so I’m going to stick with it. Too much McMahon McOverkill. Not nearly enough wrestling. Smackdown is capable of so much more, but these days, as Sean put it last week, the bad is far outweighing the good on this show right now.
RECOMMENDED NEXT: 20 YRS AGO – WWE Live Event Results (10-11-2003): Lesnar vs. Undertaker, plus Eddie Guerrero, Angle, John Cena, Big Show, Rey Mysterio
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: Tommaso Ciampa discusses playing Muhammad Hassan’s lawyer and delivering the apology speech, being called up to the WWE main roster despite being scheduled for neck surgery
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