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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
SEPT 3, 2023
CHICAGO, ILL.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Nigel McGuiness & Kevin Kelly & J.R.
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
– Hey! Welcome back to my column! Make yourself at home (especially if you’re at home), kick off your shoes (unless you’re reading this under your desk in a classroom), sit back (unless you’re reading this on an airplane seat because those recline buttons are pretend), and enjoy (unless you’re a C.M. Punk fan who bought a ticket to tonight’s show, n which case, I am so, so sorry) another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column which is, for some reason, still being published by a respectable news outlet run by adults who I know for a fact can read.
COLD OPEN – N/A
The show opened with a hostage video filmed in front of the default wallpaper for Windows 10, and then Tony Khan said some heartbreaking things that I am not inclined to joke about. Believe it or not, the segments and characters I riff on are usually the ones I like the most, and there’s not much to like about this.
ALL IN 2023 RECAP VIDEO – HIT
The footage from this event should be used in every video package AEW creates from now until the end of time.
Side Note: The closing spot in the intro video (which was previously a clip of C.M. Punk executing his GTS finisher on Penta) is now a clip of FTR executing a Goodnight Express.
TONY SCHIAVONE YELLING OVER THE CROWD – HIT
Not only was Tony Schiavone able to talk through more boos than a haunted tour guide, he made it all the way through his opening speech without getting rattled once.
I would have turned into a maraca.
Good job, Schiavone!
RICKY STARKS’S PROMO – MEGA-HIT
Starks made the crowd forget to boo, which is both good and also probably the opposite of what he wanted.
The promo itself felt only mildly aimed at Ricky Steamboat, and very much aimed at whoever decided the trajectory of his career should be drawn out by a three-year-old on the back of a Denny’s menu in the shape of a misfortune.
Also, he called Big Bill, “Will,” and I’ll take it!
RICKY STEAMBOAT REALLY, REALLY LIKES HIS NICKNAME – MISS
Honestly, Ricky Steamboat had an uphill battle before his promo even started because Starks is so damn good at his job I was halfway through uploading a new #BeatTheElderly TikTok challenge by the time Steamboat’s music hit.
Anyway, Steamboat beat me in the face with Bryan Danielson so hard, I wasn’t sure the poor guy would make to All Out.
BRYAN “THIS GUY” DANIELSON SAVES STEAMBOAT FROM TALKING MORE – MEGA-HIT
During Steamboat’s promo, he called Ricky Starks, “Ladies and gentlemen,” talked about “the social media,” and used everything but smoke signals to tell us that Bryan Danielson was coming out next, so Danielson’s return wasn’t really a surprise so much as a fulfillment.
However, out of all the options, both in and out of AEW, this was by far the best replacement they could have found for C.M. Punk. (Well, assuming The Rock was busy.)
NGL, I am bummed as hell that we’re not getting Punk at All out, but I’ve already accepted that, and now, Danielson is going to beat Starks like a pinata full of retirement.
JON MOXLEY’S PROMO – MEGA-HIT (Lots of these tonight.)
If I was trying to land a plane on the Hudson River, I would want Moxley to be my pilot.
This is one of the best promos Moxley has ever given, and that is saying something. I feel like everyone on this show is firing on all cylinders because they know AEW is walking a tightrope right now, and if things don’t go well this week, the wind might start to blow.
Instead of making jokes about Moxley coming to us live from The Cupboard Under the Stairs (Seriously, look behind him), I just want to praise the sh– out of this promo. Here is an example of what made this promo so jaw-dropping to watch:
“They call him a cosplay wrestler,” Moxley said. “Okay, then who is he pretending to be? Are any of them the winningest wrestler in the business? Nah. I didn’t think so!”
Moxley’s promo made me believe in Orange Cassidy more than Orange Cassidy’s entire stellar career. That is not a slam on Cassidy, and that is also not the only impressive thing about Moxley’s promo. I am very much impressed by how Moxley is an expert at looking and sounding insane while saying sensible and easy to follow things. You know how Trump is able to give speeches that look normal and important, but when you read back a transcript of what he said it sounds like a homeless man screaming at you on the subway? Well, Moxley is able to sound like homeless man screaming at you on the subway while saying normal and important things.
That is not an easy thing to pull off. I promise you. I am an expert on batsh–. I am batsh– personified. Every cave within a hundred miles of my home has a sparkling clean floor. Wade Keller has to spray my reports with Lysol just to keep them from infecting his website with corona-ware. Because of that, every time I see Moxley, it is like seeing the voice inside my head come to life if that voice were an angry biker werewolf instead of a slaphappy iridescent leprechaun.
Last week I mentioned the idea of AEW hosting promo classes, and now, I’m suggesting that this promo should be on the first test.
THE ACCLAIMED vs. DANIEL GARCIA & MATT MENARD & ANGELO PARKER – HIT
The first thing I loved about this match was how Team Garcia dressed like the Backstreet Boys, which made it easier to make sense of Garcia’s senseless dancing. During this match, my boyfriend actually asked me why Garcia kept dancing like that, and I told him, “If you keep asking questions, he might not do it again,” and that shut him up.
(Seriously, though. Is there a story behind the dancing? Did I miss it? I hope I didn’t miss it.)
The second thing I loved about this match was how Max Caster pretend to spank his title belt while humping it. That is a man who makes good life choices, and I hope he keeps making similar ones in the future.
(Full disclosure and TMI that you didn’t ask for: I find muscles to be unattractive. IDK why. I just always have. I only ever date anorexic twinks. (Sorry, honey.) However, if you only look at Max Caster’s face and ignore his muscular body, his face is a one-in-a-thousand gem and proof that God enjoyed the song “No Scrubs.”)
The third thing I liked about this match was the match.
DARK ORDER CUT A PROMO ABOUT HOW EXCITED THEY ARE TO LOSE TOMORROW NIGHT – MINOR-MISS
John Silver is what would happen if Popeye’s cans contained a little too much spinach; Evil Uno is what would happen if Shark Boy swallowed Shark Man, and I’m pretty sure Kris Kristofferson wrote a song about Alex Reynolds.
As for the promo itself, I gave it a miss because I was hoping for more. Nothing they said was bad, and if they were hyping a match on Rampage, or if this PPV were still three weeks away, this would have been fine. However, the PPV is tomorrow, and this promo was the opposite of urgent.
KEVIN KELLY’S RESPONSE TO DARK ORDER’S PROMO – HIT
“Ho, ho, ho,” Kevin Kelly said. “Still to come…”
RICKY STARKS IS CONFUSED ABOUT HOW NOTARIZATION WORKS – HIT
“Yeah, you saw me sign it!” Ricky said.
That is not how it works.
AUSSIE OPEN vs. NICK WAYNE & KOMANDER – HIT
Everyone’s favorite daddy/son team battled AEW’s newest twink and an acrobat who isn’t Vikingo.
This was really good. I was actually looking to give SOMETHING a miss after having given out so many hits in a row, but I could find very little to complain about here, so the hits keep coming.
TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEW’S NICK WAYNE – MINOR-HIT
After the match, Nick Wayne over-sold like a realtor trying to beat the housing bubble, and in the tradition of all of professional wrestling, Wayne got out one sentence before Darby Allin interrupted him to explain why he forgave A.R. Fox for turning Nick Wayne’s garage into a blood bank.
To my great surprise, Allin has gotten good enough on the mic that I actually bought into this bullsh– for a minute. I’m not saying I agree with his reasoning, but I bought into it for at least as long as he was talking.
“Just let it go man,” Allin added.
And with the above quote, I am having buyer’s remorse.
(Side Note: The one thing I did not like about this was that Tony Schiavone opened this interview by calling Wayne a “kid.” Let’s not keep doing that. Stop reminding us that Nick Wayne is a “kid,” and start reminding us that Nick Wayne is a star.)
CHRISTIAN HEARD THE WORDS “DEAD DAD,” AND HE HAS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT IT – MEGA-HIT
If I ever run into Christian on the street, I’m buying a card for my dad on the way home.
“Nick Wayne, it was rude of me to speak so much about your father,” Christian said, “when I forgot to ask what your mom’s name is.”
Holy. Crap. (Punctuation intentional.) This man’s is an origin story after-photo. If Bob Kane were still alive, he could sue for copyright infringement, but since he’s not, I’m sure Christian has an opinion about him.
Side Note: With MJF turning face and C.M. Punk turning gone, Christian Cage would make a great AEW World Heavyweight Champion if only Luchasaurus could win it.
Second Side Note: Christian’s new theme song should be the chorus to “My Dad Is Rich (Your Dad Is Dead)” by Draco and the Malfoys. You can listen to that brilliant song HERE.
CLAUDIO BEATS UP WHEELER YUTA – MISS
On a week when some of the worst human beings on the planet are openly longing for the days when they could beat up Jack Perry for saying words they don’t like because felonies are okay if you’re old… this segment sits wrong with me in almost every way possible.
I have been so sickened by having to listen to these beta-rific bullies who will only ever be remembered for being in other people’s matches that I literally unsubscribed to a podcast this week. People don’t have to agree with what Jack Perry did, but anyone who even hints at a desire to see him physically assaulted needs to remember that the “good old days” are old days for a reason.
EDDIE KINGSTON RESPONDS – HIT
“Let me get past that,” Kingston said. (Touche.)
(Side Note: I loved the way Kingston called out Claudio for being a coward for refusing to wrestle him one-on-one. Every time I hear Kingston speak Claudio’s name, I want to see him hit Claudio that much harder in the face.)
SHIBATA RESPONDS – HIT
Excellent promo skills from Shibata.
(Side Note: Who knew his voice was that high?)
SARAHA AND SOHO CUT A PROMO – MEGA HIT
Here are just a few of the lines that made this promo a classic:
“Lexi, don’t be ugly.”
“This is mean girl behavior. You realize that? You’re being disgusting!”
“Anyway, let’s talk about me! I’m amazing.”
“Stirring the pot! Youse stirring the pot!”
“Toni will be fine. Granted, I did see her in the parking lot half naked and throwing shoes at birds.”
“Tomorrow, I am going to walk home with the TBS Champion in this Godforsaken city.”
Oh, Soho, I hope you are right! As a very normal fan who is not creepy, I will be making a shrine for you in front of my television set in hopes of manifesting your TBS Title win.
(Side Note: Toni Storm’s gimmick is so cool, it’s stealing promos she’s not even in.)
DENNIS RODMAN’S SEGMENT – MINOR MISS
Dennis Rodman looked slightly lost. The wrestlers themselves were fine, but Rodman did not seem like he was participating in the same universe as everyone else. It was jarring. While The Acclaimed and Billy Gunn were cutting a scathing promo in Rodman’s defense, Rodman hovered in the background like he was in line for a ride that broke down the first time he tried it, and now, he’s unsure if he should get on or not.
SHANE TAYLOR AND SAMOA JOE CUT PROMOS – HIT
These were good promos, especially Joe’s portion, but I cannot find a way to get into this match. It’s not that the match won’t be good. I’m sure it will be good. It’s just that I’m also sure of who will win, and that takes a lot of the fun out of something with no storyline associated with it at all.
THE OUTCASTS vs. STATLANDER & BAKER & SHIDA – HIT
This was way better than it had any right to be. However, the misunderstandings between Saraya and Storm are so contrived that it makes both women seem dimwitted for not being able to understand and/or explain what is happening here. These are not problems normal people can relate to because if someone bumped into me on an elevator, I would not spend the entire ride screaming, “HOLY F**K! I can’t BELIEVE you did that to me on purpose!”
It’s not that I like being bumped into; it’s just that I’m not a psychopath.
STATLANDER TRIES WORDS AGAIN – BETTER THIS TIME (SLIGHTLY)
Okay, so this wasn’t as bad as last time, but last time was so awkward I felt like I could have bottled it and sold it as a cologne called The Sex Talk.
This time around, I watched Kris Statlander’s promo twice. The first time I watched it was for this column, and the second time was to see what it is that is making her come off so incredibly awkward when she speaks.
Having watched the tape back, I think Statlander’s biggest problem is her lack of confidence and the tell-tale signs that point to her lack of confidence – for example, her pauses do not appear in the same places that a normal person’s pauses would appear, and her hand gestures seem like she’s more focused on the what she might be doing wrong than what she could be doing right.
What Kris Statlander needs is surety.
I did not detect anything wrong with the timber of her voice or even the words that she spoke. The issues with her promo fell squarely on the shoulders of her surety. Statlander needs to feel and convey that she is 100 percent certain of everything she says and everything she does, including where she puts her hand and how she moves them.
If I could tell Statlander one thing it would be this: If you’re going to do something badly, it is better to do it badly but with confidence.
HOBBS’S SQUASH – HIT
Hobbs entered the ring – it’s over.
That was fast, and it should have been.
MIRO FIGHTS HOBBS – HIT
Miro ran out after the Hobbs squash and the two men traded hands. I have said it before in this report, and I’ll say it again, now. I think the Hobbs vs. Miro match will overdeliver.
(Also, hire Lana.)
AN OMEGA VS. TAKESHITA HYPE VIDEO AIRED – HIT
Don Callis and his Amazing Technicolor Scar narrated this video, and he did a stellar job. I hope Callis realizes that how he handles the nuclear heat is getting right now has the potential to define his career. A lot of people would kill for that kind of career-defining/re-writing opportunity, and I hope Callis uses this moment in his life wisely because how he uses it could determine the outcomes of many of his future moments.
ORANGE CASSIDY CUTS ANOTHER JAW-DROPPING PROMO – MEGA-HIT
Narrator: Orange Cassidy arrived home to a terrible sight.
Cassidy: Honey? Why are my things in the living room?
Statlander: You know why!!!
Narrator: That night, Orange Cassidy slept on the couch, and it was an uncomfortable couch because it was made of denim.
JAY WHITE vs. DAX HARWOOD – MEGA-HIT
Dax Harwood has had a very hard week. First his tag-team partner got charged with an alleged crime, then one of his closest friends got fired, and on top of that, he has had to wrestle on two different continents in a matter of days. Amazingly, despite all of this hardship, Harwood put on a what was easily the match of the night.
I don’t know Harwood as a person. He might be great. He might be average. He might be awful. I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do know is that he is MORE than a great artist. I know that I respect the hell out of Dax Harwood as an artist. I almost wonder if he could have a bad match if he tried. (#DaxHasABadMatch TikTok Challenge, from the man who brought you #BeatTheElderly!)
That’s not to take anything away Jay White, either. White made PWI’s Top 12 wrestlers for a reason. (SOURCE), and I honestly think he will find himself even higher up on that list in the future.
In my opinion, the new faces of Collision’s male division should be Jay White, Christian Cage, Miro, FTR, and Darby Allin. These five men are at the top of their game right now, and if Tony Khan gives them the proverbial “keys to the car,” they will show him why the word “drive” has two meanings.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is was the show AEW needed.
AEW has had a roller-coaster of a week! They put on one of the biggest events in wrestling history and they lost their top star. They made headlines for their ticket sales and buyrates and they made headlines for a fight no one bought tickets to.
To be clear, this is not Tony Khan’s fault. I keep hearing from people who want it to be Tony Khan’s fault because they want the world to fit into neat folders and make sense. The world does not fit neatly into anything, and it rarely makes sense. I have never run a wrestling promotion, but I have run one of the largest drag promotions in the country. In the course of a year, I had over 100 entertainers reporting to me.
I hired people, fired people, and mediated fights between stars who had egos the size of a solar system.) On the outside, my pageants, contests, and special events looked like an award-winning achievement. I won promoter of the year five times, and I won a lifetime achievement award in 2018. On the inside, however, it was chaos held together by duct tape, wig glue, and panty hose. I can’t imagine what people would have thought of me if every mistake I ever made got written up in 18 pt. font.
Also, it isn’t fair to compare Tony Khan’s early years to McMahon’s final years. A more apt comparison would be to compare Tony Khan’s early years to McMahon’s early years, which were so tumultuous Vice more-or-less made a TV series out of it.
At least twenty-six episodes of “Dark Side of the Ring” featured wrestlers or personalities who associated with McMahon’s company in the ’80s and ’90s. I am not saying this to drag Vince McMahon. There are a lot of things you can drag McMahon for, but being an effective promoter is not one of those things. I say this because I think we need to be a little more clear-eyed in how we view Tony Khan’s managerial skills.
Rose-colored-nostalgia makes it easy for us to forget all the mistakes McMahon made and remember only the positive things he did. Those are the same rose-tinted-glasses that has tried to turn what was rampant locker room bullying into a “positive” when in reality, bullying is always a negative. Khan has a different management style than McMahon, but that doesn’t mean he should be graded on a different curve.
As for this week’s episode of AEW Collision, no curve is needed.
SHOW GRADE: A
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, nothing is ever as good as the memory of it.
(David Bryant’s non-creepy amount of Ruby Soho shrines can be found on his “The Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant balancing furniture on his face can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of The Reverse Umbrella, which is also a bucket. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
RECOMMENDED NEXT: AEW COLLISION RESULTS (9/2): McMahon’s report Ricky Starks challenging Ricky Steamboat, Acclaimed defending the Trios Titles
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