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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
AUGUST 26, 2023
TAPED 8/23 IN DULUTH, GA.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Caprice Coleman & Kevin Kelly & J.R.
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
Heyyy! Welcome back to another edition of my Hits & Misses column for AEW Collision! I initially planned to put as much effort into this column as AEW put into this week’s episode of Collision, but having already written words, I’ve done too much.
NO COLD OPEN — MISS
The lack of cold in this open left me with heat.
JACK PERRY HOLDS A FUNERAL FOR THE FTW TITLE — MINOR MISS
Taz literally invented this title out of whole cloth. “Ending its legacy” makes no sense. Taz could easily just declare Jack Perry’s abdication of the FTW Title a vacancy and create an all-new WTF Title tomorrow.
PERRY’S ACTUAL PROMO — HIT
While this segment makes as much sense as a fragile wrecking ball, the promo itself was pretty good. Jack Perry came off snotty, immature, and showed his ass in more ways than one.
PERRY’S ASS — HIT
The most important takeaway from this segment was that it contained a shot of Jack Perry’s butt (sort of). This highlight was executed via a picture of Perry in the shower with his FTW Title belt covering an inappropriate amount of his buttocks, and by inappropriate, I mean too much.
BLACKOUTS STOP SLEDGEHAMMERS — MISS
AEW’s recurring electrical problems don’t annoy me as much as they do some people, but how does a lack of light stop a sledgehammer from swinging? Also, Hook’s first suplex on Perry nearly drove Perry’s head into the hammer part of his discarded sledgehammer.
HOOKS NEW TATTOOS – IN THE MIDDLE
These ones are fine, but let’s stop while we’re ahead.
HOOK’S TWO-WORD PROMO — HIT
If you’re a talent who is worried you can’t cut promos, this was an effective way to cover for it. Hook sounded like a badass, and I look forward to Hook vs. Jack Perry at All Out. I mean, what could go wrong?
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
FREE SAMPLE VIP PODCAST: Today’s Wade Keller Hotline covering CM Punk-Jack Perry controversy in depth and the fallout and cascade effect of it
ORANGE CASSIDY & EDDIE KINGSTON & PENTA vs. THE BUTCHER & THE BLADE & KIP SABIAN — HIT
I love Eddie Kingston’s in-ring style, and while parts of this match were a little more chaotic than I’d like, the whole thing only lasted ten minutes and did not overstay its welcome.
POST-MATCH PROMO FROM THE BEST FRIENDS — MINOR HIT
Chuck Taylor’s face looked really red here. Did he get sunburned?
Anyway, this promo for a blood-soaked death match contained the words, “You sons of bitches broke my mom’s van!” and I don’t know how to feel about that.
VIDEO PROMO BY JON MOXLEY — HIT
Moxley is excellent at saying almost anything, and for some reason (probably because he looks like the dictionary definition of insanity), it always catches me off guard.
VIDEO PROMO BY SANTANA & ORTIZ — HIT
Ortiz and Santana were standing as far apart as humanly possible without both men being off-screen.
EDDIE KINGSTON GOING TO FIND THE BCC & COMPANY BACKSTAGE — HIT
Why don’t people do this more often?
EDDIE KINGSTON CUTS A TERRIFYING PROMO — MEGA HIT
Eddie Kingston, the William Shakespeare of death threats, cut a promo in which he promised to gut, burn, and bury various members of the BCC, which is a vibe that definitely jives with “You sons of bitches broke my mom’s van!”
HYPE VIDEO FOR FTR & THE YOUNG BUCKS AT ALL IN — HIT
It’s Bears vs. Twinks, and to my great astonishment, I’m rooting for the Bears.
DARIUS MARTIN & ACTION ANDRETTI vs. DARK ORDER — MISS
Up next, Collision was inexplicably interrupted by an unaired episode of Dark Elevation.
A SEGMENT WITH A.R. FOX, NICK WAYNE, and DARBY ALLIN — MISS
Because A.R. Fox’s old friends turned on him (and for no other reason), Fox wanted Nick Wayne to know he was sorry he tried to murder him in his home.
NICK WAYNE NOT ACCEPTING A.R. FOX’S APOLOGY — HIT
This was the only part of this segment that didn’t want for a laugh track.
THE ACCLAIMED PRESENT A NEW RAP VIDEO — HIT
I loved this. I’m not entirely sure what all Max Caster said because his shirt was off for a lot of it, but watching this hilarious video was a good use of my time.
HYPE VIDEO FOR THE WOMEN’S MATCH AT ALL IN — MINOR HIT
This video contained trace amounts of Toni Storm, which is not enough amounts.
BIG BILL SQUASH MATCH — HIT
Bill (a name that is only slightly better than Bob) won this match easily.
STARKS WHIPS VARY MORALES WITH A BELT BECAUSE MORALES REMINDS HIM OF STEAMBOAT — HIT
Starks should do more of this and less of being too cool to boo.
RUBY SOHO’S PROMO — HIT
Ruby Soho cut an excellent promo. She was quick, to the point, intense, articulate, and she made me care about her match with Statlander.
Soho is a very good promo when she wants to be, and I don’t understand why they don’t have her cut promos more often. For that matter, Soho should be taken more seriously in general, and I’m confused as to why she is not.
WILLOW NIGHTINGALE vs. ONE OF THE RENEGADE TWINS (w/Other Renegade Twin) — MINOR HIT
Have they introduced the Renegade Twins on either of their main shows?
Maybe?
I feel like they haven’t.
MIRO VS. HOBBS VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
This was a great recap of the Miro-Hobbs feud, and if they give them enough time, I think their match will over-deliver at All Out.
KRIS STATLANDER STRUGGLES TO DO WORDS — MISS
Statlander is the epitome of someone who needs a manager. IMHO, she has everything you want in a wrestler except for the gift of gab. She has an intense look; she moves well in the ring, and she is good at facial expressions. Sadly, however, she can’t talk, and having her cut promos in a traditional setting is setting her up for failure.
Do they not have an acting coach in AEW? They should get an acting coach.
Not everyone is going to be naturally good at promos. While it is true you can’t teach charisma, you can at least teach adequacy. For example, Kurt Angle was awful at the beginning of his career, but with enough practice and guidance, he quickly learned to be more than passable.
This isn’t complicated, and it doesn’t have to be hard or expensive. There are a lot of wrestlers in AEW who are good at cutting promos; all you need to do is find one and set up a promo class.
KEITH LEE SQUASH — IN THE MIDDLE
Okay.
JOSE COMMITS MORE CRIMES IN MEXICO, BUT THIS TIME, DIRECTED BY JOHN WOO — MEGA MISS
No.
SAMOA JOE’S PROMO — HIT
I found the guy to teach those promo classes.
C.M. PUNK & HOOK & DARBY ALLIN & STING vs. JAY WHITE & LUCHASAURUS & SWERVE STRICKLAND & BRIAN CAGE — HIT
This was a very good match, and it almost entered “mega-hit” territory for me. Everyone in this match played their parts perfectly; Hook continued to prove he isn’t a one-move wonder, and Christian’s facial expressions at ringside were classic. The only thing I didn’t love about this match was its disregard for rules, especially near the end; however, I’m inclined to defer to the “rule of cool” for this one.
Side note: I think Cage is underused, and while he is not exactly my style of wrestler, I know there is a market out there for Warrior-esque wrestlers like him, and I don’t get why he isn’t utilized more often because he is very good at being the style of wrestler he is trying to be.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This entire show felt thrown together and like a missed opportunity. TBH, there was nothing horribly wrong with the matches themselves, but why were they chosen for the go-home episode before the biggest PPV in AEW’s history?
SHOW GRADE: C-
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, there is nothing less “manly” than “settling things like a man.”
(David Bryant’s non-creepy amount of Vickie Guerrero fanart can be found on his “The Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant doing a very masculine amount of splits can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of a noise-canceling megaphone that only works when you whisper. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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Hi David, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your column. It’s so funny, entertaining and recaps what I missed! I usually don’t watch Collision (because it’s on the same time as Svengoolie). However, because of your column, I finally watched an episode, and I have to agree it was better than Dynamite. Thanks!