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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
AUGUST 19, 2023
LEXINGTON, KY.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Nigel McGuinness & Ian Riccaboni & J.R.
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
Hello, friends, family, and unrelated people who accidentally clicked on this article! It is great seeing you again. (I cannot see you.) Thank you so much for reading both PWTorch and, in particular, my weekly Hits & Misses column! I know you have a ton of wrestling-related options and I sincerely appreciate that you chose this one. As the least biased person to have ever written an AEW Collision Hits & Misses column for PWTorch, I can assure you that I speak for every wrestling fan when I say Toni Storm is a creative genius, Christian Cage is the greatest villain since Roman Reigns, and Vickie Guerrero is a fashion icon whose presence is sorely missed.
COLD OPEN — HIT
Once again, these cold opens did an excellent job of setting up the show and explaining the colloquial definition of schizophrenia.
As for the cold open itself…
-Christian Cage’s Portion: TNT Champion and Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Christian Cage, didn’t die in this one, but maybe next time.
-Luchasaurus’s Portion: Luchasaurus (the Miley Cyrus of dinosaurs) gave us a head-snap, so on point, a ballerina somewhere poked her eye out.
-Darby Allin’s Portion: Spirit Store mascot, Darby Allin, continued his recent trend of delivering fantastic spoken-word promos. (The key here is his subdued and soft-spoken sincerity.)
-Jay White’s portion: Future C.M. Punk dream match, Jay White, impersonated a peacock.
-Dalton Castle’s Portion: Answering the question, “What would happen if a Lady Gaga song came to life,” Dalton Castle entertained the heck out of me and confused the heck out of casual fans by existing in public.
-Samoa Joe’s portion: Scary man I’m afraid to make jokes about, Samoa Joe, made vicious threats, promised violence, and said other things I assume he says in voicemail greetings and Christmas cards.
AEW COLLISION’S THEME SONG — HIT
I know this isn’t “new,” but it can’t be said enough how much I love Elton John. He gave one of the best concerts I’ve ever missed because I was too short to see over people’s shoulders.
SAMOA JOE vs. BULLET MAN GOLD — HIT
Time Square Goldust and man who should never wear that in public again turned out to be C.M. Punk disguised as a blunder! While I was not surprised by this twist, I also wasn’t sure if Fools Gold (I’m assuming that’s his ring name) was actually C.M. Punk in a Pikachu gimp suit he purchased on Temu or a distraction meant to trick Joe into pouring bleach onto his open eyeballs.
However, the “C.M. Punk!” chanting audience seemed very sure that this man was C.M. Punk, and they were proven right when the booger-colored jobber beat the similarly colored snot of Joe’s nose.
I saw a lot of criticism online about the GTS Punk delivered in this segment, but I don’t think that criticism is entirely fair. Punk’s mask started to come off halfway through his GTS, and he was forced to execute the move while struggling to keep it on. For that reason, I give him a pass.
C.M. PUNK DRESSED LIKE A MELTING GOLDEN DILDO — MISS
I do not give that outfit a pass.
C.M. PUNK CUTS A THREE-WORD PROMO — HIT
Sometimes less is more, and this was bounteous.
As some of you may know, I am a big fan of facial expressions, and this segment was an example of masterful work in that area. Punk’s expression when he first revealed his face told a story of uncontrollable anger and detachment, which was enough to overcome his outfit telling me the story of a depressed golden snitch after an angel stole its wings.
JAY WHITE vs. DALTON CASTLE — MINOR-HIT
This was solid. It was a little long, and it wasn’t the greatest match, but it never got boring and did its job effectively. Dalton may not always excel at traditional promos, but he does excel at telling stories in the ring. I especially liked the match’s final shot in which Castle reached toward the ropes nearest the cameraman while being pinned.
NOT INTRODUCING DALTON CASTLE IN ADVANCE — MISS
A character like Dalton Castle isn’t necessarily a bad character, but it is a character whose particular brand of flamboyance needs exposition (and that’s coming from a man who has dated multiple drag queens.) Don’t get me wrong, I like Castle’s work, but trust me on this one. I am the gold standard of “extra.” Me saying a character is “a lot to take in” is like C.M. Punk telling you to let things slide. When you’ve come that far, consider the advice.
JAY WHITE’S PROMO — HIT
Tony Schiavone asked White about the upcoming PPV “All In” (or, as I assume the Brits like to call it, “Bangers and Bash”), and White responded with an absolute clinic of a promo while The Gunn Club tried to make Schiavone pick his nose.
Side Note: I’m still unclear if an All In/All Out combo (or, as I assume the Yanks like to call it, “Burger Joint”) will be offered? If both PPVs are sold separately at $50 each, that is a lot of money to ask wrestling fans to cough up in a single week.
IRON SAVAGES YELLING INTO A MICROPHONE — MISS
This was the promo equivalent of leaving your capslock on.
THE GUNN CLUB vs. IRON SAVAGES — HIT
While it felt like the Iron Savages were trying to continue their airport runway-ready promo while wrestling, White’s commentary made what was an otherwise good match (with a lot of shouting and what appeared to be simulated ass-eating) better.
HOUSE OF BLACK PROMO — MINOR-MISS
I like the concept of this feud, and I liked the shock value of seeing Max Caster bleed on Wednesday. (That was the f**kboys-shouldn’t-be-this-sexy version of smearing blood on the Mona Lisa, and it was a clear violation of my civil rights to not have scar tissue on Max Caster’s face.) However, I did not like how this promo articulated the House of Black’s side of this feud, and by “articulated,” I mean regurgitated the ramblings of an AI-operated Ouija board.
THE KIDNAPPING SKIT — MEGA-MISS
Professional cameras followed Jose the Assistant as he committed multiple international crimes by luring wrestlers to Mexico on Rush’s behalf and kidnapping them. That sentence sounds like the setup to one of my immature jokes, but it is not. It is an actual thing that happened on my TV set, and it was aired on purpose.
RICKY STARKS’S PROMO — HIT
After the kidnapping skit, Nigel McGuinness threw to Ricky Starks instead of calling the police. However, Starks’s promo was good enough to completely distract me from the felonious behavior I’d witnessed moments earlier.
Also, kudos to Starks for still carrying around the belt he whipped Ricky Steamboat with. Keep doing that.
COMMERCIAL FOR ABSOLUTE — HIT
Ricky Starks is launching a fragrance. It looks nice.
BIG BILL vs. DEREK “AS TOUGH AS THEY COME” NEAL — HIT
It’s nice to see Big Bill be taken seriously, and I am intrigued to see how Starks does as his manager. I imagine the first thing he’ll do is change Big Bill’s name to literally anything else.
DARBY ALLIN IN A VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
This video featured a replay of the footage of Nick Wayne mass-transiting himself in his garage and footage of Sting and Darby Allin retaliating against A.R. Fox at an indie show. It also contained a new promo by Darby Allin, who is still standing next to the same wooden pallet he stood next to in the cold open. Has he not made it out of that dark, dingy room with one light, one pallet, one cameraman, and no furniture or windows? He better not be in Mexico.
WILLOW NIGHTINGALE vs. DIAMANTE — HIT
IRL Care Bear, Willow Nightingale, faced off against Diamante, who I’m pretty sure is the girl from “The Ring” if she wrestled. This was a good match, and Diamante looked much better in the ring (not the movie) than she did last week.
KRIS STATLANDER ATTACKS MERCEDES MARTINEZ FROM BEHIND — MEGA-HIT
FINALLY! How do you like them apples? (‘Cause from my vantage point, they are apple-solutely delicious.)
FTR vs. THE YOUNG BUCKS VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
This is the match I’m looking forward to more than any other (unless Christian wrestles).
FTR NOT APPEARING LIVE — MISS
I was under the impression both of these superstar wrestlers with pornstar names were going to be speaking live tonight, and I am legitimately disappointed to find out they are not. In fact, the disappointment I felt when I realized they wouldn’t be speaking live drove home just how big of stars these two have become (in my mind) and it actually surprised me a little.
Please do not keep FTR off TV over Cash Wheeler’s alleged incident unless it ends up being much worse than what the police report claimed. FTR are so entertaining that they should be used on every possible show. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind FTR randomly popping up on CSPAN or Heartstopper at this point. They literally make everything they’re in better. (Except traffic.)
TONI STORM IMPERSONATES GLORIA SWANSON — MEGA-HIT
OMG! She’s wearing lace gloves!
I honestly did not think these skits could get any better, and yet somehow, this one topped them all! These backstage interviews with Toni Storm are hilarious to the point of prompting multiple rewatches of her segments; yet, somehow, against all odds (not the PPV), they are being done in a way that doesn’t cause me to consider Storm any less of a serious competitor.
Storm’s acting should be commended here because pulling off this kind of camp without going too far isn’t easy. (I know because I’ve directed professional actors, both in film and on stage.) Plus, as a film history buff and a former film student, so much of what Storm is doing is dead-on accurate to the time period she is hearkening to.
If Christian Cage vs. Darby Allin wasn’t happening on the same show as this segment, this would be the best thing on tonight’s episode of Collision. I have long stanned Toni Storm, and I even provided video proof of that fact a few columns back, but this gimmick is taking my fandom of her to new heights.
My sincere advice (and TBH, I’m not always 100 percent sincere when writing these columns): Give Storm the title at Wembley, but don’t have her drop this gimmick. Instead, have her develop into even MORE of a diva, this time armed with the bragging rights of being AEW’s first-ever three-time women’s champion. Once she has become women’s champion again, add a new level of regal dignity to her character, but do so without losing the things that make this gimmick so much fun.
In conclusion, I’d like to also add that this segment represents the ideal way to “belittle” interviewers (if you must “belittle” them at all). Instead of coming off like a helpless wimp, Lexi Nair came off like an intelligent and composed adult who is understandably frustrated by having to deal with a heel’s pathetic attempt to bully her. The difference between this and the way Kevin Kelly was treated during the Attitude Era is in the dignity of the interviewer’s response to the antagonism.
HOBBS vs. KEVIN KU — MINOR-HIT
If you’re going to do a squash match, this is exactly how you should do it. Powerhouse Hobbs destroyed Kevin Ku, and that was the right choice because having Kevin “no entrance” Ku defeat Hobbs after receiving all of the build-up of an entire All Out PPV would be insane (as is the build-up to this year’s entire All Out PPV).
I also liked the decision to have Hobbs hold Ku in a Miro-like camel clutch after the match. Normally, if Hobbs were a confirmed babyface, I would look less favorably on this, but right now, it is unclear which direction he is going to go.
Luckily they have a phone signal down in whatever dark, smokey, amber-colored void Miro lives in because he saw Hobbs’s taunting of him and responded via the television crew that follows every wrestler everywhere just in case they want to interrupt the show’s normal progress to say something on the big screen because that makes financial sense.
MIRO’S “P**S ON YOUR DEAD BODY” PROMO — MEGA-HIT
Live from the belly of a chain-smoking firefly, Miro cut one of his best promos to date (and that is saying a lot). In one promo, Miro explained why he was better than Hobbs saying, “While you rely on a book, I no longer do.” He then tied together Hobbs’s reasoning for calling him out by saying, “You have turned to me as your redeemer,” and promised that Hobbs would regret this decision by saying he would p**s on his dead body. Miro even found the time to add in a growl that would sound ridiculous coming out of the mouth of any other wrestler but sounded legit AF coming out of the mouth of the husband of Lana (whom he misses).
As a Christian, I’m not SUPER fond of the whole “Godless” idea, but I love the execution of it. Despite having been given almost no television time, Miro has told a complete and complex story. His character broke down after losing an Arcade Match (If you would like to go back and relieve that Arcade Match, you should do so at never).
His character then turned to the “God of Wrestling” for help, and that decision led Miro to a dominant and entertaining TNT Title reign. Because of this, Miro felt powerful, superior, and secure in his relationship with his supposed redeemer. However, he then lost his title in an unexpected (to him) fashion, and while that seemed to not mean very much to the promotion itself, it clearly meant a lot to Miro, and he made that clear via a series of short vignettes in which he doubted his faith. After becoming quasi-agnostic, he realized his faith in the “God of Wrestling” was misplaced and turned his back on what was once a strongly held belief. Now, he has no belief system guiding his moral compass, and, therefore, he is even more dangerous than before all of this started.
Regardless of a viewer’s religion, there are many relatable notes to this story. Everyone who has lived long enough to have lived at all has had at least one broken relationship that left us at rock bottom. Likewise, most of us have had dreams we thought we would achieve but did not, and everyone has had to fight back against acute insecurities left behind by various failures. I relate to Miro better than I relate to more than half of AEW’s roster because I have been given reasons to do so.
In conclusion, push Miro.
(Also, hire Lana.)
HOBBS’S VISUAL RESPONSE TO MIRO’S PROMO — HIT
Having spent more than a modicum of time uplifting Miro, I want to spend some time on Hobbs. I am high on BOTH Hobbs and Miro, and I think both men have an equally bright future in AEW. Two years ago, I would never have typed that sentence, but Hobbs has more than earned the right to be considered alongside Miro for an eventual world title run.
Side Note: I don’t say any of this because I am impressed with Hobbs’s size. I would say this if Hobbs was Marco Stunt’s size. The reason I say this is because Hobbs has found a way to present his character that feels real, threatening, and yet, oddly enough, likable. Yes, as angry as he sometimes seems, Hobbs is likable to me. Much like Darby Allin, I can’t put my finger on what it is that makes Hobbs so likable, but he is, and that is what matters in the end.
In fact, I can even tell you the two specific moments when Hobbs’s likability started to appear to me. The first moment was when he cut a promo for the “Who We Are” album, and the second was during his interactions with R.J. City during the most recent Revolution Pre-show. As strange as it sounds, R.J. City helped to get Hobbs over with me.
STILL CALLING IT FYTER FEST — MISS
A package of graphics aired for Fyter Fest, and it is time to rename Fyter Fest to Fighter Fest. Fyer Fest was six years ago. My 20-year-old boyfriend didn’t even know it was a thing.
CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. DARBY ALLEN — MEGA-HIT
This match made this show for me.
You may have noticed that this show has received more misses than a usual episode of AEW Collision, and it even received my first ever “Mega-Miss.” However, this main event made up for all of that. In my mind, this match replaced Christian vs. Omega for the TNA Championship as my favorite Christian Cage match since he joined the company in 2021.
Christian Cage’s new Steve-Jobs-looking, accolade-stealing, audience-gaslighting, child-abusing, Batman-villain-worthy persona is absolutely on fire, and I’m almost 80 percent sure it is on fire because he goes to bed in special circle hell every night.
Seriously, ask yourself this question: What do you hate most about other people? It’s okay; I’m not listening; you can be honest with yourself. Everyone hates something in someone somewhere.
Is it greed?
Is it manipulation?
What about that teacher who punished you for something you didn’t do? Maybe it is that co-worker who pushes food on you when they know you’re dieting, or perhaps it is a relative who always needs to borrow $200 but never pays you back? Is it a neighbor who reported you to your HOA? Is it a boss who fired you?
Is it something about yourself?
We all have things we hate about ourselves. I hate how much I push people away and don’t respond quickly enough to those I care about because I’m so focused on achieving self-aggrandizing goals. It’s okay to hate things about yourself as long as you don’t hate yourself. Having flaws doesn’t make you a bad person. We are not any one thing. We are not our white, grey, or black lies. We are not our worst choices. We are not our lost jobs, missed opportunities, failed diets, schoolyard injustices, or nosy neighbors. However, Christian Cage is.
A perfect heel serves as a scapegoat for our frustrations and tribulations. They are an effigy on which we hang the things we dislike most about others. So, now that you’re thinking about the things you dislike most about others, ask yourself this: How many of those things does Christian Cage’s new character embody?
In almost every one of those instances I have mentioned, Christian Cage’s character personifies at least a small slice of the characteristics involved with them. Christian has invented a character that is so perfect as to be both specific enough to easily identify and broad enough to represent nearly every kind of reasonable hate a person can have for another.
That is artistry at its highest level. That is what the performance art of professional wrestling is about. Professional wrestling is about giving the fans catharsis. It’s about setting up dominoes and watching them fall. Every profoundly interesting feud, just like every profoundly interesting story, is a Chekov’s gun waiting to go off, and Christian is in the process of setting up enough of those metaphorical guns to fill a house-sized magazine.
Sure, Christian Cage doesn’t exactly have a Bryan Danielson-worthy move set, but during this match, Christian showed a Bryan Danielson-level of understanding of in-ring imagery. A good example of this imagery was Christian propping up the TNT Title just out of Darby Allin’s reach while Allin crawled toward it in desperation. Another example was the way Christian flailed around like a fish as he fell from the chair Allin dropkicked him out of. (BTW, someone needs to have a long conversation with Allin about why he is trying to slowly murder himself on live television.)
After the match, there was a final image worth mentioning. It was an image of Luchasaurus hoisting Christian onto his shoulders the way he used to hold up Jack Perry, and even that felt like a moment that was thought out and intentional. It seemed as if Christian was not only gloating about being the pretend TNT Champion but also gloating about having taken Perry’s spot in Luchasaurus’s life and, in the process, helped to turn a “boy scout” babyface into a jaded heel.
In this column alone, I have now written almost 900 words about Christian Cage’s new-found excellence. In a way, I have written a mini-column within a column on this topic, but I’m writing this out in explicit detail because I want a record of what Christian Cage is doing. I want a measuring stick we can look back on in a year or so, so as to better decide if AEW has effectively “bottled” this lightning-in-a-bottle character and used it correctly. To state it another way, I want us to be able to easily rewind and recollect the acclaim Christian is currently getting (even Christian’s Wikipedia page now mentions his new character’s “critical acclaim” with a linked source to back it up), and I want us to hold AEW in judgment for how they choose to squander or capitalize on this opportunity.
So far, in my opinion, they are off to a good start. However, bookmark this column, and look back on it a year from now. Hopefully, by that point, we will be able to either say, “Wow, AEW blew it,” or “Wow, AEW squeezed every last drop of success out of this new character.” I’m hoping for the latter option because something I hate about other people is watching them choose to squander opportunities.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Collision has once again proven that it is currently a better weekly show than Dynamite. Although, given that my feed from this past week’s Dynamite was interrupted by a feed from a community theater’s reenactment of the clown-college version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it’s hard to judge the product as a whole without seeing it all.
However, unlike Dynamite, this show had a four-star match and a cohesive theme, and I don’t feel like watching it made Jesus love me less. Also, at no point did I have the uncontrollable urge to take extra bathroom breaks to hide from the deep shame my TV set was bestowing on my household — a shame that may or may not kill me in seven days unless I can find a way to show that episode of Dynamite to someone else first.
SHOW GRADE: B+
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, while Jay White’s peacock impersonation is entertaining, real peacocks are more entertaining because peacocks are the drag queens of birds.
David Bryant’s non-creepy amount of Vickie Guerrero fanart can be found on his “The Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant doing a very masculine amount of splits can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of a noise-canceling megaphone that only works when you whisper. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.
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