SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
AUG 5, 2023
GREENVILLE, S.C.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Nigel McGuinness & Ian Riccaboni & J.R. (Welcome back J.R.!!!)
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
– Heyyy! Welcome back to the only PWTorch Hits & Misses column that, to my astonishment, is being written during Summerslam — not that I’m begrudging AEW Collision or anything like that, but this show better be good.
However, I promise I will not allow my missing out on watching Summerslam for the first time since 1999 to distract me (I wonder if Bianca Belair is wrestling right now?) from giving you the best column possible. (I feel like she’s wrestling right now.) Anyway, back to my Hits & Misses column about AEW Collision, which, again, and not to belabor the point, is not Summerslam. (Bianca is definitely wrestling right now. Bianca and I are like kindred spirits; we’re able to communicate telepathically, but it’s very one-sided and not real.)
TNT ADVERT BEFORE THE SHOW — HIT
I have not watched AEW Collision on TNT since it debuted. (I usually watch it over Discord with my boyfriend, who is currently in Australia, and I would be doing that this time, but, you know… Summerslam.) So, this is the first time I have seen the advert that airs during the credits that role right before Collision comes on, and this did a really good job of summing up the main thread of the last show.
COLD OPEN — HIT
I love these cold opens, and whoever came up with them should either be given a raise, a mega-push, or a free steak dinner and the chance to shove Christian’s face into it. (All three of these things are equally valuable.)
As for the cold open itself:
– C.M. Punk’s Portion:
AEW Participation Trophy Champion and man who walks uphill both ways everywhere, C.M. Punk, did one hell of a job getting me into tonight’s program. It is crazy how much can be said in a matter of seconds if you actually know what you’re doing, and Punk 100 percent knows what he’s doing as long as it doesn’t involve media scrums.
– Ricky Starks’s Portion:
Facepalm artist and Dwayne Johnson trademark troll, Ricky Starks, matched Punk’s energy and used last week’s “You deserve it!” chant to his heelish benefit. This promo was everything it needed to be, and it might have even surpassed Punk’s excellent portion of this week’s cold open, although it’s hard to compare such divergent styles.
– The Embassy’s Portion:
Leader of grandmothers, Prince Nana, assured us that Big Bill (we’re sticking with that name, I see…) and Brian Cage will defeat FTR for the AEW Tag Team Championship because he is just now joining us from another dimension, I assume.
– FTR’s Portion:
(Cash Wheeler said his mom is in the audience, so I feel bad about making my usual stupid jokes.) 1980s sitcom dads wearing 1990s jackets, FTR, did a solid job with their opening promo tonight. They both spoke, but they kept it short, to the point, and remained effective while doing so.
(Side Note: Since I love these cold opens, I’d also love to see AEW do even more with them. Perhaps they could do a promo leading into a confrontation, or maybe start the show with a heated interview? It may or may not work out, but if it doesn’t, they can always return to these short and sweet vignettes, which sounds like a type of candy but is not. Despite being delicious, sweet vignettes are non-edible, and if you ask for them at your local grocery store, a cashier named Tonya will call you an idiot to your face.)
FTR vs. THE EMBASSY (w/Prince Nana) — MEGA-HIT
I had to pee throughout this entire match, but I could not bring myself to pause it.
FTR are artists, and if they weren’t literally wrestlers, I would say they belong in a world-class museum. In my opinion, they exemplify everything that is right about wrestling in 2023, and younger performers should learn from them. There should be nationally televised award shows for the kind of work these guys are putting out.
Heck, all four of the men in this match deserve praise, and I hope matches like this will help Tony Khan see that bigger, taller wrestlers can contribute just as much as svelte wrestlers can. Normally, I find myself advocating for smaller guys to be taken more seriously (because they should be), but it’s a bad idea to write off “hoss-sized” wrestlers, too. Just like great artists, great wrestlers come in all shapes and sizes.
On that note, I’d also like to point out how effective Brian Cage’s cannonball senton to the outside was, and the reason why (aside from Cage’s humongous execution of the move) is because there were no other dives or major bumps outside the ring during the match. Having this spot punctuate the match’s climax is a picture-perfect example of making big moves count.
In conclusion, because I knew The Embassy had no shot at winning, I didn’t feel much suspense before this match started, but by the halfway point, both teams had me enthralled. I know it’s become cliché for audiences to chant “This is awesome” during FTR matches, but they really, truly are.
(Side Note: Cash Wheeler’s mother is the most adorable woman on Earth, and you just know she throws an epic Thanksgiving! Big Bill taunting her got me legit riled up, and I fist-pumped the air when she slapped him. They should have her come out once per episode and slap a repugnant wrestler every week. I randomly volunteer Christian.)
FTR’S POST-MATCH PROMO — HIT
After the match, Dax (who must have some of the best cardio on the planet) said they wanted to be known as the greatest tag team of all time (you’re getting there), and he listed off a few of their accomplishments. Dax then said there was one team they had unfinished business with, and the crowd started chanting, “Young Bucks!”
Dax paused, and for a second, I thought the Greenville crowd might end up disappointed, but I thought wrong. When Dax said, “The Young Bucks!” the building exploded, and when he said, “Wembley Stadium,” that explosion got even bigger somehow despite that being a seemingly impossible accomplishment.
HYPE VIDEO FOR TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT — MEGA-HIT
They’re on a roll tonight. This WWE-quality hype video was a big hit with me. Things like this make AEW’s stars feel larger than life and reminds people of the highlights they either already saw or regret missing. Plus, these kinds of things make people want to invest in the main event because they know the promotion is invested, too.
TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS JUICE ROBINSON & A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT — MISS
Juice Robinson’s promos look like his face is trying to escape his body.
TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS JAY WHITE & THE ASSBOYS — HIT
Jay White’s deliciously loquacious promos are par for the course, but it’s still surprising to the point of jarring to see The Gunn Club cut good promos. It’s like seeing a dog get along with a cat while driving a car.
KRIS STATLANDER vs. MERCEDES MARTINEZ — HIT
Seeing this match in the first hour was a pleasant surprise, and the presentation of the match felt respectful. I’ve complained in previous weeks about how much of the women’s matches have taken place during commercial breaks, but this match was 10 minutes and 17 seconds long, and only 2 minutes and 45 seconds of that time was interrupted by commercials.
As for the match itself, goodnight, is Martinez aggressive! Half of the match felt like she was trying to excise the ghost of Statlander’s last gimmick! (If so, thank you.) Even Martinez’s butterfly suplexes looked like she was exacting revenge on the ring boards. I almost felt bad enjoying this.
Almost.
POST-MATCH ANGLE — MISS
Martinez’s hard blows must have given Statlander amnesia because she allowed Martinez to attack her from behind in the exact same manner as last week. Diamante (who has a great look, BTW) ran out to make the save. However, instead of saving the day, she “swerved” Martinez by attacking Statlander with punches in the vague vicinity of where her head was not.
No offense to Diamante, but given how brutal that last match was, I’d much rather see a rematch between Statlander and Martinez than see Statlander vs. Diamante. Perhaps Martinez and Diamante could participate in a tag match with Statlander and Willow Nightingale? I could see Statlander and Nightingale making a good team; they go well together. Statlander is the human equivalent of “perseverance,” and Nightingale is the human equivalent of cookies dancing into the open mouths of heart-shaped dolphins while they slide down rainbows that are not actually rainbows but are instead giant slip-n-slides made out of light beams.
TONI STORM QUESTIONS IF SHE IS STILL A STAR — MEGA-HIT
This was quite possibly the best thing on the show, and this show contained an FTR match.
Fresh off of losing her AEW Women’s Championship in Joan Crawford’s closet, Toni Storm wore exactly what that sentence makes you think she was wearing. With rollers in her hair and a black dress she bought off the comment section of Jasmine Chiswell’s TikTok account, Storm was the embodiment of poise and sanity as she randomly osculated between her indoor voice, outdoor voice, and skydiving voice.
SAMOA JOE vs. SERPENTICO — Ouch!
Finally free from his abusive relationship with Luther, pugnacious crash test dummy, Serpentico, faced Samoa Joe in an — oh, it’s over. Wow. I didn’t even get to finish typing my sentence or make one of my usual “poor Serpentico” jokes. Poor Serpentico.
SAMOA JOE’S PROMO — HIT
Having used less than ten seconds of his match time, Joe decided to use the remainder of his time to challenge C.M. Punk to a rematch at All In. (It appears they’re finally filling in the All In card, and I’m here for it. Although, TBH, I was here for it three weeks ago, too.)
This week’s “Line of the Night” award goes to Samoa Joe for saying this about his last match with C.M. Punk: “Our legacy was built on the blood, sweat, and tears we’ve put each other through, and dammit, a roll-up is not good enough for our legacy.”
I’ve not encountered truer words than that since a fortune cookie predicted I’d eat it to death, and I spent the entire drive home thinking about what other messed up messages that company put in their trauma cookies.
ANDRADE EL IDOLO’S PROMO — HIT
Roman Sionis’s more handsome half, Andrade El Idolo, cut his best Collision promo to date, in which he talked about what happened during last week’s well-received ladder match. As he talked, footage from the ladder match played alongside his chilling words.
THE ACCLAIMED DO A SIT-DOWN INTERVIEW WITH TONY SCHIAVONE — UNCOMFORTABLE HIT
The Acclaimed sat down with Tony Schiavone to talk about shoes and, more specifically, Billy Gunn’s wrestling boots. Max Caster confirmed Gunn’s retirement was definitely an angle, and Anthony Bowens cried while talking about the things Daddy Ass had done for him. This was a jarring but effective promo. Seeing Bowens cry tugged at my heartstrings (which I do have), and seeing The Acclaimed act seriously was like seeing a dog get along with a cat while driving a car to see The Ass Boys cut good promos.
ANTHONY BOWENS TRYING TO SCISSOR DADDY ASS THROUGH THE CAMERA WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES — MISS
This one is self-explanatory.
THE HOUSE OF BLACK vs. DARIUS MARTIN & ACTION ANDRETTI & LEE JOHNSON — IN THE MIDDLE
Team Martin took the “house rules” seriously and chose to have Julia Hart banned from ringside as their “dealer’s choice” rule, which makes sense but not as much sense as a rule that says something like “only their team gets to use hand grenades” or “when the ring bell rings, their team wins.”
The action in this match was fast-paced, and the story was simple: Team Martin is spunky, driven, and destined to lose. There was also a really neat spot in the match where Andretti broke up a pinfall with a 450 splash, but the referee had to alter his cadence mid-count to make it work.
(Side Note: I hope the House of Black keeps the titles through Halloween, and we get to see a Haunted House of Black match in which they pull Bray Wyatt’s worst instincts into an alternate universe.)
BLACK’S MASK SLOWLY TURNING INTO ANDRADE’S — HIT
This was a nice touch!
HOBBS’S INTERVIEW — MINOR HIT
Keeping with the tradition of all of professional wrestling, Hobbs spoke zero words before Q.T. Marshall interrupted him to answer the question, “What would happen if gentrification were a person.”
At the start of this interview, I was thinking this segment would be a miss, but Hobbs ending it by telling Q.T. Marshall (the gas station sushi of human beings) to f— off all the way to find out land was a kind of awesome.
THE MUSICALLY GIFTED HARLEY CAMERON’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS — HIT
Despite not saying a single word, Harley Cameron managed to steal this entire segment.
TNT CHAMPION CHRISTIAN CAGE’S PROMO — MEGA-HIT
“As the TNT Champion and face of TNT…” These words were the opening lines of Christian’s promo, and they totally reeked of awesomeness.
Also, there was a child involved. That’s right, an actual child. When I first saw the small, cherub child, I thought, “My God, Christian Cage has kidnapped a live angel, and it makes sense,” but nope — it wasn’t an angel. It was Christian’s daughter, and he was holding onto her like a piece of human luggage. Christian then ranted about little children and, more specifically, Nick Gage.
Then, when Christian’s daughter interrupted to ask if she could hold his TNT Championship belt, Christian cut a promo on his own daughter before sending her away. When she didn’t leave the room fast enough, Christian shouted, “Security! She’s not credentialed! Remove her from the arena!”
Schiavone said, “Christian, you are the biggest ass—”
But before Schiavone could finish saying the word asset, Christian interrupted to once again clarify things by saying, “I am the TNT Champion — now and forever! Do you understand me?!?” Christian then left to show his daughter his favorite scene from Bambi.
Oh. My. God, this is so much more entertaining than it has any right to be! At this point, I would not mind this specific version of Christian winning the AEW World Heavyweight Championship and telling Tony Schiavone that the belt exists because he invented the color gold.
JAY WHITE vs. METALIK — MISS
Metalik started the match in the ring, which, as we know, always bodes well for the competitor who gets a head start. Actually, that “boding” part pretty much sums up what happened in the match itself. There was nothing wrong with the concept of the match (White destroys Metalik), but it lasted for what felt like an unusually long amount of time.
Perhaps the reason it felt so long was because the crowd was surprisingly uninvested in the match itself, despite being very invested in Jay White’s antics before the match started.
(Side Note: After the match, they ran a graphic advertising Jack Perry vs. RVD in an FTW Rules match, and I am incredulous. What is an FTW Rules match? Is it an unsanctioned rules match? Why aren’t all FTW matches unsanctioned rules matches? Why is AEW acting like this is a sanctioned title?)
HYPE VIDEO FOR HIKARU SHIDA vs. ANNA JAY ON DYNAMITE — HIT
This pre-tape was far and away the best promo Anna Jay has ever done!
Also, I loved that Anna Jay called out the concept of “jobbers” in general. She talked about how Hikaru Shida was the first person she wrestled in AEW and how the squash she endured had made her feel like her inexperience had been taken advantage of. This is a really unique perspective, and I’m now interested in seeing the match play out.
(Side Note: This is how the women’s division should be treated!)
J.R. RETURNS — HIT
J.R.’s music played, and he was given a proper introduction by the rest of the announce team. I will never not be a fan of Jim Ross. Even at his worst, he is one of the best. Yes, he can sometimes come off like a grumpy grandpa, but in my eyes, that is a feature, not a bug.
(3rd Draft Update: While going over my third draft of this column, I decided to check out “the app formerly known as Twitter” and search the terms “Jim Ross,” “J.R.,” and “JR.” I scrolled through 14 hours of tweets, and despite the laws of Twitter, I did not find a single tweet criticizing Ross’s performance last night. In fact, I found several tweets that more or less said that Jim Ross sounded better than he has sounded in a very long time.)
C.M. PUNK vs. RICKY STARKS (w/Ricky Steamboat as a guest referee) — HIT
Before the match, Ricky Steamboat walked over to Jim Ross and hugged him. (BTW, the people who saw this show on FiteTV got to see Jim Ross’s full entrance during the commercial break.) After the belt was held up, the competitors squared up, and Jim Ross received his hugging, a “belt graphic” appeared on the lower third of the screen to clarify that the match was being held for the “Real World Championship,” so we now have an official name for the “app formerly known as Twitter” belt.
The match itself was “story-based,” with things like Starks holding the ropes open for Punk early on in the match and Punk calling back to that spot later on. There was a lot of build to each of the match’s big moves, and the competitors made every one of those moves count; however, the match never felt slow or uninteresting. The crowd was thoroughly into everything both men did, and we got multiple dueling chants of “Starks” and “Punk.”
As for Steamboat, he spent most of the match on the outside of the ring. The match had a regular referee inside the ring, and Steamboat walked around the ring’s perimeter while serving as an extra pair of eyes and doing things like knocking Stark’s feet off the ropes when he tried to use them to cheat during a crucial pinfall.
Of course, as we all know, wrestling companies only hire referees whose bones are made of glass, and so when Starks bumped into the referee late in the match, the in-ring referee collapsed into unconsciousness and never recovered. Because of this, Steamboat was able to get involved in the match and count the pinfall when Punk caught Starks off guard with a roll-up.
I highly recommend this match, even though I was disappointed by the way the match ended. To quote Samoa Joe’s “Line of the Night” from earlier in this report, “Dammit, a roll-up is not good enough.” I hope we get a Starks vs. Punk rematch, especially after Starks’s heinous attack on the legendary Ricky Steamboat.
RICKY STARKS’S HEINOUS ATTACK ON THE LEGENDARY RICKY STEAMBOAT — UNCOMFORTABLE HIT
Despite being the most handsome stud on the muffin, Starks is the sourest grape on the vine. When he lost the match, he attacked Steamboat, knocked him to the ground, pounded away at his face, and ripped off Steamboat’s belt so he could beat him with it. Given Steamboat’s health scare in 2010 (which The Baltimore Sun described as a brain aneurysm, and you can read their article HERE), watching Steamboat take even the slightest of bumps was uncomfortable, not to mention that seeing Starks use Steamboat’s own belt to beat him “like a government mule” felt almost blasphemous.
The goal of this vicious debacle was to get Starks booed, and it worked. Previously, and up until this point, the crowd had been cheering their hearts out for Starks. However, they turned on him during this segment and rabidly so. Starks needs to capitalize on this newfound heat and not let it get lost in the glitz and glamour of his next promo.
I hope that whenever we get to see Starks vs. Punk, it is at a major event and that the crowd boos Starks out of the building. I also hope it is a strap match (and not just because watching Starks get spanked feels kinky.)
FINAL THOUGHTS
Once again, Collision has outdone Dynamite, and once again, it is a shame that so few people will choose to see it. Collision has consistently overperformed in every way except in the ratings. I truly hope AEW and Warner Brothers Discover have the patience to allow for the show’s positive word of mouth to spread because this show is good enough to eventually “catch on.”
I also hope people don’t read too much into this week’s ratings. Nobody was watching tonight’s show. That is not an indictment of the show or its viewers. That is just the byproduct of having to run a show against Bianca Belair and Charlotte Flair wrestling at Summerslam, which was broadcast live from Ford Field and which I did not get to see happen. (Did Bianca win? No. No spoilers. I cannot give in to the temptations of the front page of PWTorch!)
All jokes aside (You know, what? I should try asking Bianca if she won via the telepathic connection we share that is one-sided, not real, and mostly involves me screaming, “Kick out!” at the TV screen.), the reason I wrote such a long and detailed column, is because I know most people were watching Summerslam tonight even though I was not one of them (*shakes fist at sky*), and I know many of those people will not have the time to also watch a replay of Collision.
If you are one of those busy people, I hope reading this Hits & Misses column helped to fill you in on some of what you missed, and if you do have the time, I strongly recommend you check out this week’s show. If you can’t check out the entire show, I hope you can at least check out the opening and closing matches.
(Side Note: Watching this on TNT instead of FiteTV really drummed home just how much of the show most of us are missing during the commercial breaks. I’m sure AEW’s contract would never allow it, but I’d love it if business was a fantasy and they could put commercial-free versions of their shows on Max a week after they aired. FTR’s incredible work deserves to be showcased in an uninterrupted format.)
SHOW GRADE: B
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, if you see a dog getting along with a cat while driving a car to see The Ass Boys cut good promos in a building made out of pudding, that is a you problem.
(A picture of David Bryant juggling fire can be found on his X account (not porn) @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant playing guitar can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and a Threads account that David Bryant hopes will someday be usable can be found at @IamDavidBryant. Also, this closing gag is starting to get old, and I’m probably going to change it soon, so enjoy it while you can!)
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.